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 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 1
First Relationship - Changing who I am? Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hi Everyone,

I posted before. I dated a girl (my first relationship) for 6 month's and I really fell in love with her, she cared for me but after 6 months she told me she never felt any romantic connection to me. We never had sex, and she was hesitant but she only ever said that she was scared of hurting herself, and when I asked her if she wanted to be with me she said she did and she was scared I'd leave her if she told me that she was a bit hesitant. For me I knew I loved her and I was fine with that, we were going so slow, but as long as she wanted to be with me I could show her she could trust me and show her how much she meant to me.

After a month of her telling me she wanted to be with me and was scared I'd leave, she dumps me saying she never felt any romantic connection to me, never felt I was her boyfriend and there was a difference in our maturity level.

NOW:

I was very open and straight forward with her. I was never in a relationship anything so she asked or I did, I never had any hesitations in my mind from previous experience, it was just a matter of doing what I felt was right, even staying with her, I told her I'd go if she didn't feel anything or want me around and she said she wanted to be with me, and I just trusted that.

I LOVED WHO I WAS, when I was with her. I know that. I loved how open I was, how understanding, how I never doubted her. I just assumed if she was with me she wanted to be and that's all that mattered.

I know it was Naive =( but I liked that, I liked that I for me there was never any game or plan to get into her pants. I fell in love with her, and wanted to be intimate with her, but my plan was just to get to know her and go from there. But she strung me along for 6 months and then dumped me, telling me to be mature about it. And now I feel like I can't be that person again, who I was with her. That now I'm going to not really trust or be so open, because I didn't realize that you don't always get what you put into a relationship =/. It's a scary thought to me, but I'm guessing to a lot of you with experience it's just how it is. This is more of a rant, I don't even know what advice I could get. I was just confident in myself that she wanted to be with me because she was and never said anything about not wanting to be with me, and I was confident in her, because I trusted her. But all that went out the window, my confidence in myself, and my trust for other people. I just felt like the person I was sort of was extinguished. I know it's a learning experience, but I'm scared between learning and being a bit apprehensive/paranoid.

Sigh
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 2
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 6:39:02 AM

now I feel like I can't be that person again, who I was with her.

That's good news! You were a bit of a woos with this lady and shouldn't try and repeat that ever...

Dating is about romance, not being friendly companions that may over many months turn into something wildly intimate. It just doesn't happen.

If she isn't physically affectionate and into you from the very beginning, don't torture yourself hanging around trying to wait for it to happen.
 InThePipe
Joined: 8/29/2011
Msg: 3
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 6:46:52 AM
Oh sweet innocence.

Did you ever stand your ground, or say what you really thought even though it was something she didn't want to hear? It sounds like you kept saying what she wanted to hear, just hoping for the best. 5 months is a long time not to have any conflict of interests. I know that if I was dating someone and he never took a stand I wouldn't respect him as much.

Given time you will probably see it as a good learning experience.
 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 4
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 6:59:07 AM
She was really into me since the start I thought. She jumped on me in my car and made out with me like crazy, when we went out with friends she'd take me somewhere private to kiss me madly, and I reciprocated many times, carrying her to a couch and telling her I wasn't done yet before I said goodbye when I saw her.

It was just sex that had hesitation. And I respected her for that. I don't know if it's because of my South Asian heritage or me just being naive. But I was totally fine with waiting as long as it took as long as she wanted to be with me, which is what she told me. She said she was scared to get hurt emotionally. I don't get what really happened, as if she liked me enough to hang around for 6 months shouldn't she have at least said something to me and if she felt this way, isn't it something you feel much sooner than 6 months, why wait around for that long.

As far as conflicts of interests, I brought up certain issues with her. I told her I wanted to see her more and that I wanted to hear from her more, and she said she would try. I'm not a demanding person, but if there are things I feel or want I shared them, the one thing aside was sex, because I wanted it to be organic and just happen, because I trusted she liked me =/. She didn't respect me it seems. I'm not really a conflict starter, but as far as being a pushover I'm not either. I just try and ensure whatever I'm mentioning is worth bringing up.

This whole sense of doubt and mistrust are new to me =/

Sigh
 InThePipe
Joined: 8/29/2011
Msg: 5
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 7:07:50 AM
She was really into me since the start I thought. She jumped on me in my car and made out with me like crazy, when we went out with friends she'd take me somewhere private to kiss me madly, and I reciprocated many times, carrying her to a couch and telling her I wasn't done yet before I said goodbye when I saw her.


And then she goes 6 months dodging sex?
Okay she had some major issues and you should be glad she got you off the hook when she did. Sounds like she did what she had to to get your attention, and then just used you for emotional support for as long as she could. Or until she felt too guilty about it.
 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 6
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 7:26:14 AM
I think she did use me. For whatever reasons =/

She got really angry after she dumped me, she said she felt like we were best friends, but I brought up how much I felt for her a few times and how I couldn't understand how she said and did things but didn't feel anything for me, and she said I made her too angry to even be friends. No more communication or anything now.

But I cannot understand. How someone could do that to someone else, and even to themselves =/. To be so fake. In may she was a bit distant to me and I brought it up. She said she was 'scared to be hurt in a relationship' so I told her if she didn't want to be with me I would go, there was no point in me being around. Her answers were 'I want to be with you, I was scared you'd leave me, and you are the greatest guy I've ever met'

I knew at that moment I loved her, I was fine going slow with her as long as she wanted to be with me and that's all that mattered.

I know relationships need their ups and downs to build strength, but really if I ever date another girl, trusting someone seems difficult almost scary, I feel lost, confused, abandoned and used and I never want to feel this way again.
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 7
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 7:31:38 AM

I feel lost, confused, abandoned and used and I never want to feel this way again.

Instead you should realize you were too needy, desperate and did not demand respect. You killed this relationship, not her.

Women will start hating someone that is weak. I have been with someone like you before and I know how it feels on her side of this.
 InThePipe
Joined: 8/29/2011
Msg: 8
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 7:42:11 AM
Hey for me trust is slowly earned. I'll only let you get away with so much before I've had enough. But once you've earned my trust that counts for something.

What did this woman do to ever earn your trust? It doesn't sound like she showed you any affection. She said she was scared you would hurt her. How can you be in a relationship with someone like that? She has things she needs to work out on her own.

I'm just saying it sounds like there were a lot of good reasons not to trust this women. And a lot of good reasons to trust other women
 Titus_Maccius_Plautus
Joined: 6/26/2011
Msg: 9
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 7:50:19 AM
Sorry man, you let your feelings run away with you. There were probably some red flags indicating that she was wishy washy about the relationship but you let your emotional state blind you to them. It is a learning experience…One that I had to learn as well.

My advice for next time is to pull back on the emotional attachment stuff at the beginning. When your gut tells you that there is something wrong…listen to it.

It takes 3 to 4 months before someone is comfortable enough to be herself or himself around the person they are dating. Then, the true colours come out.

On another note, if you loved the way you were in the relationship, there is no reason why you can't be that person outside of it. Be open and understanding towards those around you...just be careful not to trust foolishly.

I have no doubt that you will find other relationships and you will learn to trust again, as many others have done. Remember that there are no guarantees in life. You may find another woman that will break your trust and your heart again.

Don't let this experience or any other bad experience leave you jaded. Go out there and find someone new. Just make sure you're careful about the way you go about it.

Titus
 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 10
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 7:54:59 AM
I thought of that Janet.

But honestly I do not believe that. I believe I was naive and these emotions to me are new which is why I feel this way now.

But I can say I wasn't needy or desperate. I never pushed my need for her to be with me. I would honestly say when I missed her if it's been a week since I saw her, but it wasn't clingy or needy. I love being myself and enjoying my own personal time and I totally respected her for that as well. I had complete confidence in myself. If I was desperate, I would've pushed for sex.

As far as demanding respect, sure maybe I didn't demand respect. But if I am open with her to tell her that I care for her and I noticed she is being distant, whats up? And her response is I'm scared to hurt myself in a relationship. And I tell her straight up if she doesn't want me to be with me I'll go, there's no point in me hanging around. That was me demanding my respect. I had ultimate respect in the sense that I was open with her and I was myself with her and I took it for granted that she may not be truthful to me.

As far as weak, I don't believe that either. I'm not judging your comments, I'm just trying to dig deep into myself to see if that is who I am. Emotionally sensitive sure. But as far as weak no. Is it weak to trust someone you are with, is it weak to believe in that this person is with you out of your own merits. I am confident in who I am. These posts are emotional, because I need a place to vent. But as a person I know I have strength in my beliefs and in who I am. Even with her, I believe as much as her front seemed stronger than me, I was and am a stronger person than she was. I was ALWAYS true to myself and true to her.
 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 11
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 8:06:08 AM
She was building my trust. She let me into her life. I met her parents, she brought her younger sister out with us on a few occasions, and I told her that I loved how she trusted me enough to feel comfortable to do that. She opened up her fears to me talked to me about her homeland and her worries and sadness after she had left. I let her into my life too, she had met my friends and family, even my parents (which is a big deal I thought to both of us). I shared who I was with her too. I don't know what else I should've done before trusting her.

And I know she had issues, just everything she was telling me, was that we together could work past them. Before she dumped me she asked me about what to do on my birthday, asked me about going to a bed and breakfast, and even mentioned wearing matching clothes to my friends wedding that was coming up. I don't know if these were insignificant things, but they showed me her affection for me, and especially the bed and breakfast for me was a sign that she was trusting me and was moving forward for affection.

But in the end, it seemed to me like she was just 'playing this role' and she didn't really mean any of it, it was just some weird game.
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 12
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 8:57:28 AM
Well OP, as with all things, we live and learn. I think some will be tough on you on this thread. Normally I would among the worst, but I see in you naivety that I can't fault you for.

Relationships have many components, love, lust, organic growth, trust and others.

When you and this woman first were together, you had attraction, the kissing part was the beginning of lust, eventually given the right growth, it may have turned into love. But you both stifled the normal reaction to those beginnings which is sex after a reasonable period of time.

This usually injects frustration into the situation, on one side or the other, sometimes both.

In my head, either a relationship grows, to an expected level or, if stifled, whithers and dies. Then it's up to whoever feels the pain/frustration more to call it a day. Since you had this in a "rose colored glasses/puppy love" kinda thing going you were willing to wait. She SHOULD have called it a day, she didn't.

She did the "back up plan" coward thing, and kept stringing along till the next best thing came along, I imagine. Her anger at you was more a reaction of "I want this over, I don't want to see you" because when you do something bad, the last thing you want, is it in your face.

As for going forward, when and if you put your feelings and heart out there, you generally have a 50/50 that you may be hurt. You never know what's in the head of someone else. So get over it and live, or become a monk and enjoy your aloneness.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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History
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 10:03:08 AM
The sooner you get it through your head that the large percentage of relationships you will have of the course of your life go nowhere, that is when you can start really enjoying yourself.
Thank your lucky stars that you will never again be so naive. She did like you, a lot. But you were not the one she pictured herself being with any longer than 6 months.
You will meet the right person, you just cannot expect it to be the first one you ever date.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 14
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 10:43:14 AM
It seems she did string you along, but so you know for for next time, if 6 months have gone by, & you still have not been intimate, then she sees more as a friend. It's perfectly fine to wait until you to get to know someone before you become intimate. But, 6 months is a long time to wait. Yes it appears she did lie, & string you along. If she doesn't show some sort of affection toward you, kissing, snuggling, holding hands, that is a big warning that you are 2 are looking for dfferent things. Peoples actions speak louder than their words. Stop beating yourself up over this. As time goes by you will feel less pain. This is not an honorable person who deserves to be in your life, If you contine any contact w/her she will probably use you & take advantage of you again. Give your self a chance to meet new people. Sometimes we get our hearts broken more than once, but time heals the wound. You will meet a new girl who is worthy of your love & afffection. Stop being so hard on yourself.
 Detectorman1976
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 15
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 10:59:06 AM
Hey, i am not going to waste your time by posting a long and drawn out answer.

Point Blank..If a woman does not have sex with you within the first month you need to make your demands known..If she backs off..then leave fast.

zShe is either screwing another guy or a lesbian!
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 16
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 11:04:35 AM
After I posted my comment, I read the rest of the thread. It seems the 2 of you were not a good fit. The man a few posts above me hit the nail on the head when he said she should have ended it but didn't, & strung you along until the net guy came along. Close this chapter in your life. She used you & she acted like an azz. You will have many more relationships in your life. I hope you meet a nice lady who appreciates you for the gentleman that you are.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 17
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 11:07:16 AM
I disagree w/detectorman. Dating for only 1 month may be too soon for an intimate relationship for some people. Don't give yourself any kind of deadline or specific timeline. One month is probably too soon, but 6 months is probably too long.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
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First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 12:00:49 PM
It's a game, it may be subconscious on her part but still a mind game she plays with herself and others. Some women don't like to not have a boyfriend but since the guy is a real person he tends to get in the way of the fantasy she is living in her head. One of the first signs of people who play head games with themselves is the way too early jumping of the bones. She may not have had intercourse with you but she certainly was very sexual and using sex to keep you interested and to get herself off. Always beware of people who love you too quickly, who like you right off like a cling-on, who over compliment you, who seem to be madly in love with love but not really paying much attention to you as a real person. Always watch out for people who become like you instead of being themselves too.

Now she has to get rid of you because either she can no longer play this game in her head about you or she's found a new playmate for her games. When someone doesn't know you but loves you, then you know it's not real, so take it for what it is. As far as never being open again, that's your choice, she's not controlling you and she didn't ruin you unless you want to go there and play that mind game on yourself. That's what is so great about a good relationship really, is being able to be open and be yourself and not play the social game you have to outside. You should be able to trust your partner to be vulnerable, but you can't get there without doing the work of finding the right person and when you make a mistake, well we all do, but don't use that to become bitter. It just didn't work, it will hurt for a while then if you don't wallow in it, it will be the past and you can be open to finding the right person.

You know if you buy a piece-0-shyte car you don't decide all cars are out to get you, unless you have mental/emotional issues that stop you from being normal. No, you get a better car at some point and be glad that it's not the rotten one you use to have. So why beat yourself up then treat others coldly because someone broke your heart? It's always your choice as to how you react to things that don't work out.
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 19
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First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 12:08:02 PM

Hey, i am not going to waste your time by posting a long and drawn out answer.

Point Blank..If a woman does not have sex with you within the first month you need to make your demands known..If she backs off..then leave fast.

zShe is either screwing another guy or a lesbian!


I'm not going to post a long one either .

I would not even demand anything . I would not want to continue unless she really really wanted sex within the first month . Women are either attracted or they aren't .
And yeah if they aren't then we can pretend they are getting some or lesbians . lol
 DeviantAJ
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 20
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 12:22:49 PM
If she doesn't show some sort of affection toward you, kissing, snuggling, holding hands, that is a big warning that you are 2 are looking for dfferent things.


She didn't have sex with me. But she kissed me, made out with me, heavy petting, held my hand, she'd fall asleep in my arms a few times. We were exclusive, had the boyfriend and girlfriend talk and were 'official' I guess but not really, she asked me not to cheat on her, she asked me if I was serious about her, and she said she didn't want me to leave her and she wanted to be with me.

All things I thought were indicators she had issues with sex/trust and I would show her she could trust me. I was stupid to think that, but I believed it and trusted her. In the end there were these huge reasons she couldn't be with me. No romantic connection, difference in maturity, she never felt I was her boyfriend, and she never came to me for help with her family things.

I've learnt a lot, but it still hurts a lot too. I loved her, and she left me and because of that I feel like I lost out. I'm the one missing something.
 Detectorman1976
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 21
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 12:59:59 PM
Why do I give the woman a month? Because I do not like to waste time. I am not going to take more time after that only to find yep shes not interested. Then I have wasted so much time.

There are very few women out there who will take longer than amonth to open up. If I get one shes not worth my time, when i can be in a REAL relationship with another woman
 pinkoleander
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 22
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 1:06:33 PM
As usual we're only hearing one side of the story-yours but based on what you've written you were (are?) a gentleman and you respected her. For whatever reason it didn't work out but you can look back and be proud that you were honorable (the measure of a man)
You were not stupid. Nobody strung you along. And there is no timeline for sex. You could have walked at any time during those 6 months. I'll repeat it: you could have left. You chose to stay so you got something from the relationship too.
Be confident that you treated a woman well, understand that it didn't work out for whatever reason and next time be more assertive about your needs and wants (while still respecting her boundaries) and if you are unhappy you can always leave.

You ARE the same person. You're just hurt and this too shall pass (if I had any tats I'd have that one backwards across my chest so I could see it in the mirror each morning.) You can choose to become angry and bitter and start posting crap on the forums about women thereby sealing your single status permanently or you live and learn and get a sense of humor about things.
And next time put your needs and hers on slightly more equal footing.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 23
First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 1:11:49 PM
As I read your various posts, I find myself somewhat baffled by the trust you speak of OP. You write about it as though it's a given and not something to examine for quality or criteria.

I think trust MUST begin with self and even that, takes time, effort and examination to build. Whenever people meet and decide to date, there is an unspoken requirement for each of them. They must be able to trust that no matter what the outcome of meeting that person is, they will be able to handle it with strength and with the ability to appreciate it for what it was... Often times, dating, short relationships and break-ups are specifically intended to help us build our own trust in our ability to handle disappointments with grace. They also help us to learn to appreciate the wonderful times we have with somebody for what they are rather than to measure every single thing by its outcome.

It reminds me of a story I read about a young man who asked God how to get ahead in life. God took him to a place that had a huge boulder blocking any further access. God told him to put his shoulder to it and push with everything he had. He told him that he must not stop pushing it. Almost a year later, the young man angrily approached God asking why he had been expected to push the boulder knowing that he would never be able to move it. God's answer was that by pushing the boulder, the young man had strengthened many facets of his physical body but more importantly, the young man had grown very strong, very tolerant, very patient and VERY determined. He could now go into the world understanding the value of pushing the rock in all areas of his life.

The same is very true for you. It was obviously your time to learn that you CAN pull yourself through a disappointment or a relationship breakup. The trust you MUST build before you ever try to trust someone else, is your own trust in yourself to be able to handle these things knowing that they are part of your very own journey and self-development. When you KNOW that you can appreciate the times you had together without the outcome taking that appreciation and flinging it into the garbage, you will be able to trust yourself to be the person you WANT to be, with or without someone in your life.

Good luck to you!
 cedar77
Joined: 7/17/2006
Msg: 24
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First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 1:53:15 PM
One time not too long ago , I did go through a long period when I had met someone and it seemed like we had something going . But , she would always make excuses about why we should " wait a bit" I only went along with it because I believed she really was in to it because she acted like she was really liking me in some ways , but that she felt she needed time . I thought I would be gentleman and be patient .

Sure enough , soon enough she started to hint that it was no good and that she was busy , then I said forget it and thanks for leading me on and playing with me . As it turns out , I met a much better woman soon enough and I got over her quickly .
So don't waste your time !
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 25
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First Relationship - Changing who I am?
Posted: 9/4/2011 5:17:50 PM
You are who you are, shouldn't change just to please a woman, and probably can't change enough to satisfy her anyway. (You can improve, but you'll still be you ... just a better you.) If she doesn't appreciate the person you are, move on and find someone who does like you as you are.

And don't spend a lot of time wondering what might have been if you had done things differently -- like having sex, to give one example. Maybe that would have held her interest longer, maybe not. But if you aren't the person she wants to be with long-term, it's probably because of more than just one or two things, perhaps even more things than she realizes herself.
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