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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them      Home login  
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 SexySmilePrettyEyes
Joined: 7/22/2011
Msg: 1
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
So my estranged husband and I have been separated since February. He served with divorce papers on August 1st; the day after my birthday and 10 days after he was ordered to pay child support. He does not want to pay child support so in our first court hearing he has requested an order of 50% placement. I can't imagine only being a mother to my daughter part-time! Is this reason enough to ask him not continue with the divorce process and come back?
 Janet_Always
Joined: 12/7/2010
Msg: 2
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 5:58:38 AM
I can't imagine only being a mother to my daughter part-time!

Why would you think the father would be content only having visitation... every other weekend, holidays and a couple of weeks a summer?

Kids need their dad, too.

Your assumption that this is about your request for child support says more to me that the money is YOUR focus -- and the reason you would be considering asking him back if you can't get it.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 3
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Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:03:24 AM
Your daughter's welfare should be of paramount importance and unless her father is abusive, it's in her best interest to have 50% placement. Why do you say her father doesn't want to pay child support? Maybe he can't imagine being a weekend dad.

And given that you mentioned he served divorce papers the day after your birthday, information which is entirely irrelevent to your question, I suspect a reconciliation wouldn't work because you sound resentful. Does he even want to get back together?
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 4
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:07:25 AM
I have to agree with Janet...
Why is ok for the father to be a part time parent but not you?
A bit selfish don't you think and extremely unfair to your daughter.
If all your focus is on YOUR financial situation where does your daughter fit in and why would you teach her that that is ok to have double standards?
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 5
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:10:05 AM
Sounds like you are more concerned with the money and your own selfish motivations rather then what is good for the child. You should be THRILLED the father is wanting 50 percent custody of that child.

I had 50 percent custody of my daughter from age 2 through high school. And I would not trade that experience for anything on this earth. Thank gawd the courts are now working harder to help fathers gain split custody in cases where they seek it.

No OP that is not a reason to reconcile. He does not want you as a wife. He wants to have access and custody of his child. You are only involved because your an "ex" and happen to be the mother.

But maybe it will be a wake up call for you regarding your child, their future and what the future holds for you also.

Cowboy
 BigBadNIrish
Joined: 1/31/2011
Msg: 6
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:24:57 AM
OP..I'm sorry to hear about the demise of your marriage.

But, going back to a man, you've decided to leave-for what ever reason, for issues of money is a bad decision.

I read a report on shared custody...and think that it could be a good thing for your child...I also think that if your ex is only doing this to cancel or lower support payments...you still need to give shared custody a try...keep a log of the times your child spends with the ex...and if he plays games with the system...drag him back to court...the courts don't like liars.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 7
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:33:47 AM

Sounds like you are more concerned with the money and your own selfish motivations rather then what is good for the child. You should be THRILLED the father is wanting 50 percent custody of that child.


I couldn't agree more ^^!!

OP... The ONLY thing that matters is what is in the best interest of your child. Your discomfort with being part-time or his discomfort with paying child support is all part of the adjustment that divorce requires.

I think that if he actually WANTS joint custody and IF you two can co-parent with maturity and consideration for your child, you are already way ahead of many families. Something tells me you have lots to do in your spare time.
 MsMuscleChick
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 8
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:49:18 AM
I do not blame the man and thank God he is stepping up to take care of her. To me it * appears * you are more worried about the money side of this ( gee what a shock ) than the fact this man is taking responsibility to raise his child.

Maybe he chooses not to want to pay it for a few reasons. He wants his child in his life, and does not want to be giving you a huge chunk of change to go shopping with as well all know tends to happen. Sure, it is expensive to raise children, but I see some women ( know a few ) who get a lot of money from these men and what it does is allows these women to work less, shop more and take the guy to the cleaners.

I do not see it as a reason to ask him to come back. LOL He might now want too ! Maybe try making it on partial support and allow him to help raise his child !! Most women **** that men want nothing to do with their kids.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 9
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 6:54:00 AM
it doesn't matter what your husband wants or how much he wants to pay. his child support obligation will be determined for him by the court based on his income. they might consider other factors, but "what he wants" isn't one of them. sometimes the custody arrangements are court-ordered as well. i think what you are saying is that he is requesting 50% custody to reduce the child support he would have to pay to you?? sorry, it doesn't work like that.

i don't know why you would consider taking him back based solely on financial or custody considerations. the whole premise of your question seems strange. care to clarify?? however for now i will state the obvious by saying if there is any way you two can reconcile, perhaps thru marriage counseling, that would be the best of all possible worlds.

whatever you decide, you are both WAY OFF BASE by making your daughter a pawn in your divorce war.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 10
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Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 7:36:58 AM
We only know what we read here..albeit it is coming from one side.
Doesn't appear to look good, but I am sure there is somethings that we don't know.

Having said that, I am in the camp that a child needs a father in her life.
I have seen the results of a father not being there and it hurts the child.
We can only hope..that the father takes his responsibility to the fullest and provides for, nurtures, cares for their child.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 11
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 7:52:57 AM
i think what you are saying is that he is requesting 50% custody to reduce the child support he would have to pay to you?? sorry, it doesn't work like that


Actually it can in Canada. My ex has 2 kids, both were living with her and her ex had visitition right. He had lower earnings ( at least what he reported to revenue canada - under the table contractor in part ) than her. He paid her child support when both kids were primarily in her care. When her son decided he wanted to go live with his dad at age 16 she had to pay him child support based on thier earnings. I guess it does not work that way in some of the states.


I have seen the results of a father not being there and it hurts the child


I would have to second that with the caveat that the father is a reasonably good Dad. Having said that having only a part time dad ( or part time mother ) tends to establish that disneyland quality to him ( or her ). Sometimes it is helpful for the child to live with both parents enough that they have a realistic view of both parents. Such was the case with my ex's son - he had his dad up on a pedastal and blamed his mother for most things until he lived with his dad for awhile which really opened his eyes and helped him grow up.

OT - the OP needs to give us a little more info but based on her original post - getting back together solely for financial reasons is not good. As said in previous posts you need to consider the well being of your child. If your ex is a decent guy and a good father your daughter will likely be better off having 2 half time parents than a sometimes dad and a full time mom. Sharing custody will require the two of you to be civil with one another. The fact that you are thinking of getting back together with your ex suggests that you are still on good terms.

 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 12
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 8:12:14 AM
It cost me THOUSANDS of dollars to gain 50% placement. And this was just last year. Weekends and holidays? gimme a break! Be thankful he is the man he is, wanting to be a father to his child. I thank God the courts are now beginning to actually listen to men and give them more rights to their children. It is a statistic, that if a divorce must take place, split custody produces a much more rounded child than not. And boys raised by the mother only, have a much higher rate of criminal activity in that child. This is a very sore subject for me, so I will stop now.

I think you are being very selfish. Do not reconcile for monetary reasons, or the 50% placement issue, that situation would not be healthy for the child either.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
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Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 8:38:11 AM
I can feel your pain, but your Ex is well within his rights to ask for this. When you served him with papers you should have understood that the best interest of your daughter and not YOU would be paramount in the courts decisions.
But this is not a good enough reason to stay in a crappy marriage.
 forumjunkie942
Joined: 8/15/2011
Msg: 14
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:02:53 AM
Well hard to tell since the full story isn't detailed, but it doesn't quite sound like you or your soon to be ex have thought this divorce all the way through. I'm not saying you should get back together, as it appears that's not going to happen or if it did happen, it would be difficult and end in a breakup anyway, with trust broken. But I am saying you don't write as if you even considered you'd only see your children half the time now as a possibility.

My take is this, if you want your kids full time and you think child support is the issue, tell him you are willing to receive zero child support, if he signs away his right to your children. I can't be sure their quality of life would be any better, probably and likely it would be much much worse, but you'd have your answer then.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 15
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:06:34 AM

So my estranged husband and I have been separated since February. He served with divorce papers on August 1st; the day after my birthday and 10 days after he was ordered to pay child support. He does not want to pay child support so in our first court hearing he has requested an order of 50% placement. I can't imagine only being a mother to my daughter part-time! Is this reason enough to ask him not continue with the divorce process and come back?


Hummm You can't imagine only having your daughter 50% of the time but have no problem keeping her father away from her over 90% of the time.

I also notice you mentioned that he didn't want to pay it......yet he was asking for 50/50 placement. Meaning he would have to support her the exact same amount of time as you would.

It doesn't seem to me he is NOT wanting to support his child......However it does seem to me that you want to be the one to handle the support he does give her.

Hummmmm why would it matter to you about whom is in control of the money as long as the daughter is being taken care of?

I personally think that 50/50 custody should be the point where the courts start and then make adjustments on a case by case basis.

Each parent would be responsible for the children when they are with them and each would be responsible for any health care or other things such as glasses and braces ect...ect....

No "child support" should be "paid" to anyone.....the child should be supported not a ex-spouse.
 *Cowboy*
Joined: 4/28/2006
Msg: 16
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:18:57 AM

So my estranged husband and I have been separated since February. He served with divorce papers on August 1st; the day after my birthday and 10 days after he was ordered to pay child support. He does not want to pay child support
Actually he may not want to pay YOU child support which is a different matter.

If he has the child 50 % of the time he is covering half the expenses as long as the court handles stuff like medical expenses and clothes etc...

I paid my ex (and it galled me) for many years when my daughters living arrangements were one week there and one week with me. I covered ALL extra school and clothing expenses etc.. i did what was best for my kid. So even at her moms she had a decent place to stay even though I was already handling half of everything and she had a bedroom at my house also. So I was paying for my half and her moms half also basically so that she would always have the choice and benefit of both homes available to her.

It was expensive but paid off in the end. And I would rather have the cash going to my kids benefit then some lawyer.

Cowboy
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 17
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:30:04 AM

Hummm You can't imagine only having your daughter 50% of the time but have no problem keeping her father away from her over 90% of the time.

I also notice you mentioned that he didn't want to pay it......yet he was asking for 50/50 placement. Meaning he would have to support her the exact same amount of time as you would.


Exactly. And where in your world is it less expensive to buy the groceries, clothing, drive them to school and activities than it is to PAY YOU to do it. It's just easier to write a check than cook the food, go to the store and help the child pick them out and take the time to read the books to them and attend their activities. It costs the same...but is priceless to the child and the father. And...you'll get to do the same. Win...win...win situation.

A good mother would not only be unresistant to such a proposal...but an advocate of same. With further benefits of having time to pursue your life.

Asking him back for any other reason than you want HIM...is wrong.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 18
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:34:23 AM
Having your ex back in your life teaches your daughter the wrong lessons...if you said I love him and cant live without him that is one thing but to ask him back would be unfair to both him and her.

Also he is the one asking for the placement to avoid paying the child support...how much time has he spent with your daughter since February?

How old is the daughter?

Him being a part of his daughter's life is a good and positive thing and something you should encourage for her benefit. If you weren't working then you should view this as an opportunity for you to start the career you want and build your future vs being dependent on a man to provide for you.

Yes you will miss your child the days/night she isn't with you. But rather than resent him you really should encourage him to be a good influence in her life.

If your concern is he will ask for half and then never see her ...and so you will be trying to support her without his assistance then you can always go back to court and present your case to the judge. Keep good records of when and why he doesn't keep her as scheduled.
 buckeye1332
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 19
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:35:37 AM
SexySmilePrettyEyes,

Obviously the marriage did not work out. And it is also apparent he does not want to pay child support as you mentioned. But neither of these things are reason enough to take him back. In my honest opinion, him asking for 50% placement is just a way to avoid paying child support, and not about your daughter. Just by guessing, he thinks he can go the cheaper route by trying to obtain the 50% placement, which does not mean he is looking out for your daughter's best interest but instead his own.

I would seek an attorney if you have not already done so. It is kinda funny how he suddenly wants 50% placement right after child support was ordered, and maybe that can be used in your favor. I don't know your situation, but if the situation would necessitate the child in question to be in your custody due to whatever circumstances, the seeking the advise of a professional would be a good idea.

But like I said, this is not reason to take him back.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 20
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:44:59 AM
Exactly!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I guess a few members DIDN'T READ that the guy DOESN'T WANT TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT and THAT'S why he petitioned for his kid 50% of the time. That's a pretty crappy reason to want your kid half the time, just to avoid paying child support. I'd hardly gift him with the 2011 Father of the Year Award for THAT.

Don't be suprised OP, when you end up with your daughter more than he does once he gets that 50% order in place. His reasons aren't altruistic for having her half of the time, so eventually he'll show his hand when it really starts interfering with his new single social life.

And why would you stay in a miserable marriage just because you both want 50% custody? That's absurd.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 21
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 9:57:49 AM
^^^^^^^^^


It is kinda funny how he suddenly wants 50% placement right after child support was ordered,


No...it's not "funny" at all. The timing was completely appropriate. At the first hearing. There is little point in arguing the temporary custody/support during the separation as the permanent orders would be forthcoming. Battling over the little temporary arrangements only prolongs things and pads the wallets of the attorneys.

It's a huge assumption that his motivation is purely child support. Even if it is a motivating factor...it is still in the best interest of the child as long as he is an engaging, loving and competent father. And I will continue to argue that he would NOT be saving a dime. It is still going to cost him...whatever it's going to cost him. Perhaps even more. And a good mother should NOT profit from child support so money should NOT be a concern. It shouldn't matter if he spends his money directly on the child...or provides it to her to spend on the child.

There could still be support awarded and is statutory. And, hopefully based on what each is earning (or more importantly what they are capable of earning). So...either way...if you don't have a job...you'll be needing one and having half the time to do so will only help your situation.


Exactly!!! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I guess a few members DIDN'T READ that the guy DOESN'T WANT TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT and THAT'S why he petitioned for his kid 50% of the time. That's a pretty crappy reason to want your kid half the time, just to avoid paying child support. I'd hardly gift him with the 2011 Father of the Year Award for THAT.


As stated and/or assumed by the same person that would choose a dysfunctional family reunion if it means not getting a fat check. I'd hardly gift her with the 2011 Mother of the Year Award for THAT.

I DON'T believe a father would petition for 50% of the work and expense for that sole reason. If that is true...the child is better off with other family that aren't tossing her around for a few bucks. BOTH of them.
 cap_n_mORGAN
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 22
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 10:02:56 AM

I guess a few members DIDN'T READ that the guy DOESN'T WANT TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT and THAT'S why he petitioned for his kid 50% of the time. That's a pretty crappy reason to want your kid half the time, just to avoid paying child support. I'd hardly gift him with the 2011 Father of the Year trophy for THAT.


No what we have is the woman that is divorcing him saying he doesn't want to pay child support.....while at the same time wanting to reconcile because he has filed for custody 50% of the time.

It is amazing how touchy some get when the archaic "child support" traditions are questioned.

When a truly fair system like 50/50 custody and both being responsible for any bills the children generate.
Such as health bills and the like, many go ballistic.......Claiming they are the only parent that can take care of the children........at the same time demanding a exorbitant amount of money for the "children" yet they are the sole person to disperse these funds......with no accountability if the funds are not spent on the children.

The change is coming slowly but it is changing and I hope soon the father will have the exact same standing in a family court room as the mother.

Now watch the mothers that live on child support attack these ideals of equality.
 sweetest
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 23
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Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 10:08:10 AM

Is this reason enough to ask him not continue with the divorce process and come back?

^^^Have you been looking for a reason to have him come back to you and the marriage?
This isn't it.

If you want to go back with him, go back for reasons that hopefully brought you together in the first place, not to ease a financial burden or cater to some social optics.

He does not want to pay child support so in our first court hearing he has requested an order of 50% placement.

^^^Well, at least you know that he's no interest in assuming full custody.
You can't try to bargain affections and the return to a marital state by offering to stop proceedings.

His actions do appear to support a viewpoint that he's motivated by money....but what is yours' about by asking this???

Is asking him back only based around you having not to be mom to your daughter on a part time basis? That's what's not clear at all. There's a really odd juxtapositioning going on in your question....somewhat disturbing really.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 10:55:20 AM

He does not want to pay child support so in our first court hearing he has requested an order of 50% placement.


Do you know for a fact that the child support issue is the only reason for wanting 50% custody of his daughter? Having the kid 50% of the time is a huge, life altering responsibility. Not many would do that strictly for monetary reasons. If you believe he has ulterior motives for wanting 50% custody of his child, why would you entertain the thought of taking him back? Your reasoning has no logic. For that matter, how do you know he would want you back? This is more about YOUR needs instead of what's best for the kid.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 25
Is losing 50% placement to your estranged spouse a reason to ask them not to divorce you?
Posted: 9/6/2011 12:58:24 PM

Is this reason enough to ask him not continue with the divorce process and come back? ... OP


Why did you serve him the divorce papers?


And boys raised by the mother only, have a much higher rate of criminal activity in that child. This is a very sore subject for me, so I will stop now. ... Jamies004


Where did you pull that stat from?
Out your ass?
I raised both my boys to be wonderful young men.
I really take offense to that remark!
Because your ex is backtracking to her "hippie" childhood, don't take it out on us other single parents.
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