|FWBPage 1 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)|
|Just curious to find out if a man has ever "fallen for" or decided otherwise, in a FWB relationship? My FWB and I have been at it for almost a year. I know he has trust issues. His ex cheated on him. Blah, blah, blah. Everything was good.. Well, as well as could be expected, until he found out I went on a date with a Dr. .... We are both nurses... After that he went through my phone and found some text messages to another person. Now the FWB, is his rules. Not mine. But, I'm not stupid either. However, yes I do have feelings for him. After the phone incident, I told him that all he had to do was ask me to stop, and I would. He admitted that he wasn't sure what he wanted. But, he continued to give me a hard time over dates and other such things. Then he started posting to other girls FB pages. Commenting on their pictures. He claims he didn't know that it posted to my wall. Being that we are mutual friends. But, I wonder if he was just doing it to get back at me. This coming from someone who never gets on FB very often. Of course I was mad and hurt seeing these posts. So I asked him about it and then deleted him as a friend. I told him that I didn't like feeling that I had hurt him and that I didn't like feeling the way I did when he posted those things. He agreed but then continued. It seems that about the time I can block the feelings, he does something to make me think he has more feelings. Then BAM!!! I have to rebuild my walls. I know this isn't an ideal relationship. But it is great sex, and I hate to lose that. And cutting all ties is easier said than done. Just curious to see if guys do fall. Or am I wasting my time......|
Posted: 9/7/2011 6:38:24 AM
|I wouldn't want this guy now even if he did change his mind.|
He doesn't want a relationship with you -- and if he has some kind of knee-jerk reaction out of jealousy or feelings of possessiveness, is that what you want?
You picked this non-commitment guy for a reason. This is just as much about you as him. Maybe you don't really want a relationship either.
Figure out why.
Posted: 9/7/2011 6:47:46 AM
|I think Janet Always makes a valid point.|
YOU chose this guy. YOU knew he wasn't in it for any kind of commitment. NO he shouldn't get pissed because your seeing someone else due to the fact that THERE IS NO COMMITMENT.
It's up to YOU as to whether or not you keep putting yourself through this.
Posted: 9/7/2011 6:49:17 AM
|ok continue dating that doctor.|
continue having sex with your FWB. i guess he is good at it huh. you can't live without it huh. but do not ask him what he's doing like if he is seeing someone else or if he is still posting on FB. don't.
don't befriend him again on FB so that you will not know if he still messages other girls and so that you will not get hurt.
i think that he really doesn't like you. if he did then he had the time to make you from a FWB to a gf for over the year that you were together. i think that he is actively looking for another girl. and if he can find a girl that is more than you are, he will definitely drop you like a bad habit.
FWB is BS. you will always develop feelings in the long run. just like you did.
Posted: 9/7/2011 6:53:25 AM
|First off this guy has HUGE insecurities and is going to make you miserable down the road. If the sex is good then just keep it at that. Any type of relationship with this guy and you can kiss all your male friends/privacy/self esteem good bye.|
Posted: 9/7/2011 7:43:22 AM
|If your current deepest need is simply great sex, outside the context of a loving, committed relationship, then you are not wasting your time.|
If your deepest need is a loving, committed relationship then you are wasting your time. If this man, who happens to be a FWB, yet seems to have feelings for you, communicates his feelings as he does (in an immature, passive aggressive way) he isn't capable of being in relationship at this time.
He clearly isn't over his trust issues or his ex and is projecting onto you. He will continue to do so if you allow this (i.e. if you stay) because he seems quite ambivalent about having new feelings for *anyone* at this time, and at this time you seem the one he is having new feeling for yet, at the same time, his old unresolved feelings are surfacing (thus his projections).
Yet you also seem to have feeling for him beyond FWB and that is why you can't permanently keep up any walls; you're expressing having authentic feelings for him but are also afraid to have them, for whatever your personal experiences/reasons. What will *you* do about this?
I think it's a matter of getting completely honest with yourself about what you want and need at this time in your life. If it's just great sex, then it is. If it's not, you'll only be subjecting yourself to more pain if you stay. So the ball is in your court. You have the power to directly communicate with him, and/or to stay or go. It may not be easy, but it is that simple.
Know what you want and need and make a decision, one way or another.
I wish you both the best.
Posted: 9/7/2011 7:45:23 AM
|This just illustrates my perspective on the whole FWB situation in that such a thing is usually an illusion. A few people can pull it off but, most have ulterior motives and hidden agendas. This guy is jealous of your dating other men. You confess to having feelings for him that are not strictly about two friends meeting a need in one another and are, in fact, jealous of him as well. This situation was all kinds of wrong from the get go and now, it is deteriortating into a bunch of junior high drama with him checking messages on your phone, playing the "I'll get back at you by paying attention to other women" game and you questioning both your own and his motivations. |
Lets be clear on something here. A FWB situation means you do not get to have expectations of the other person. You are in it for the sex and the company. It is NOT a relationship in the conventional sense and if you cannot handle such an arrangement, you should not enter into one. It seems, neither of you either wants, or can handle just a FWB scenario. Unfortunately, he at least is not ready to give up the game playing and admit he likes you as more than a friend he sleeps with so, effectively, your entire friendship is now at risk. Trying to close the barn door once the horse has run away is an exercise in futility so I am not sure there is anyway to fix this situation that will be mutually satisfactory to both of you. I think you may have to just accept that you both blew it by settling for something neither of you really wanted but waded into full steam ahead without thought to the consequences if it did not work out.
Posted: 9/7/2011 8:01:34 AM
|You are wasting your time you know it but you refuse to accept it, look.... men and women views FWB differently , most women assess people from the instant they meet them. They think Hmmm" is this someone I want to date, want to spend my life with, want to never see again, or want to just be friends with?"|
When a woman puts a man in the friend zone, thought has gone into it and it is generally a fairly final decision. This is why friends with benefits is a difficult thing with many women. Odds are if a woman is open to sleeping with the " man" , it means she hasn't eliminated the guys from the potential life mate zone, It generally means the man haven't been banished into the Friend Zone for ever. .......Yet, I heard somewhere a woman has decided within the first 5 minutes of knowing you, if she's ever going to sleep with you.
On the other side of things, men tend not to assess every person they meet immediately. Men tend to be more relaxed about this. They don't categorize too quickly. They wait and see how things develop. most men tend not to assess every person they meet immediately. most of these guys tend to be more relaxed about this, They don't categorize too quickly... They wait and see how things develop.
OP this particular guy has issues, and he knows where you stand with him, its the case I want my cake and eat it too, the blaming on the cheating ex is a excuse in most cases, he has issues but uses excuses to keep you at bay, hence the jealousy crap , the interrogation the snoop through your phone.
Posted: 9/7/2011 8:42:22 AM
|I married my FWB, that was 20yrs ago. We have since parted ways. I have a new FWB, been going on 4yrs now, but we both know thats just what it is, FWB. So use protection!|
Posted: 9/7/2011 8:46:27 AM
Well, as well as could be expected, until he found out I went on a date with a Dr. ....
Realistically, if you're dating, you shouldn't be in a FWB...
Let's face it, how would you feel if the person you were dating was having sex with another person while you're attempting to build a relationship...?
However, FWB is not a committed relationship... monogamy only applies if you both agree to it, and both stick to what you agree...
It's most likely that your FWB doesn't care about you. He's just worried that if you get in a relationship with another person, that the sex benefits with him will end... so he's trying to prevent that happening...
That being said, chances are, if you do end up in a serious relationship, he will try to sabotage it... maybe by little comments "you can do better" etc... or by telling you that he wants a relationship with you... of course once the threat of an outside relationship is gone, he'll revert to being an FWB...
[ Just curious to see if guys do fall. Or am I wasting my time......
Not only are you wasting your time, you are wasting the time of any other guy you meet in the meanwhile...
And finally, if I was dating a woman and found out that she had been seeing a FWB while we were dating... I'd dump her.... If a woman wanted to remain friends with her past FWB, then that's fine... but I wouldn't date her....
Posted: 9/7/2011 9:25:33 AM
|you're wasting your time! |
the guy is a control freak and you're his steady screw. isn't that what being a fwb is all about?
you're also being very immature with all the fb stalking...that's more the behaviour of a 17yo, not a 37yo!
i've been on fb since it began and the one stipulation i made, and have kept, is NEVER to "friend" a current or ex boyfriend/lover.
you might want to do the same!...
Posted: 9/7/2011 10:15:39 AM
It seems that about the time I can block the feelings, he does something to make me think he has more feelings. Then BAM!!! I have to rebuild my walls.
for starters, i think you learn to recognize when you're being jerked around.
you're willing to put up with crap treatment based on the hope that you can eventually get a relationship out of it?? why would you make a choice like that....
I know this isn't an ideal relationship. But it is great sex, and I hate to lose that.
what is your your priority.... great sex only, or a normal relationship?
And cutting all ties is easier said than done.
on the contrary, it's easily done once you get some clarity and decide what it is that you actually want.
Just curious to see if guys do fall. Or am I wasting my time......
you want a manipulative guy who uses you like a talking inflatable girlfriend to fall for you?? man-o-manischevitz, what happened your pride and self-respect?
Posted: 9/7/2011 2:45:00 PM
|You're wasting your time.|
If he wanted you only,
he would have said so.
But he wants you and whatever chick herd he can corral.
and doesn't want you to date out of his herd.
win for him.
lose for you.
It won't change.
You can find great sex with a guy in love with you.
waste time with one who never will.
You aint getting any younger.
Posted: 9/7/2011 3:02:58 PM
|funny,i have lived most of my life with FWB,not that it has been my choice but things just seem to turn out that way..guess im good enough in bed,just not good enough to have a relationship with.....i should be insulted but we all have our rolls to play,mine is just for sex.....and im ok with that|
Posted: 9/7/2011 3:42:32 PM
|OP: People on this site will swear up and down FWB never works. That's becuse it never works for them. I can tell you absolutley FWB works. If you are of the same mind it will work for you. This fellow you are seeing is obviously going through some issues because as he said he doesn't know his own mind. You can continue with him if you are willing to put up with it. We all know the kind of stuff people in a committed relationship put up with. There is nothing wrong with feelings toward a FWB, feelings like kindness, compassion, and consideration. Feelings you would have for any close friend. When the time comes to turn him over to someone else will you be happy for him or will you be possesive and jealous? That's what determines if you are FWB or not.|
BTW I don't consider FWB to be an exclusive monogamous relationship. You might want to talk that over with him and define what kind of FWB you're going to be.
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:23:43 PM
|Of four FWB's I've had, two became relationships.|
My rule for FWB isn't one of exclusivity as much as it is about disclosure.
I'll explain... While being FWB we are free to do as we please, however, if one of us is intimate with another, it must be disclosed BEFORE having sex again.. If the other person is a potential LTR prospect, then benefits cease...
If it was a ONS then the safety details are discussed and further benefits are decided.
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:37:09 PM
|Funny I started a thread tonight about people we meet, who can't commit, or trust, or get over past hurts.|
My opinion, not worth the cyber space it takes up is, that FWB's cause more pain than they are worth. Yes you get great sex, but there is all that ying/yang about who is control of the relationship(such as it is) and their own emotions about the other person.
You are basically running in sand, not getting anywhere. They get closer(you percieve), then you move and they move away. You live by the rules of the situation and they react with emotion and anger, which isn't supposed to be there.
Do guys fall? Yes and no, since what is perceived is not real. They fall and then rethink, what if it's not real? Too many mixed messages, would not do it now, but at 20 something, a nice diversion, if all you want is sex.
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:51:15 PM
|You CAN......HAVE your cake and EAT it too.....but you CANNOT eat your cake and HAVE it too....as it was originally said!|
Some don't get FWB...some do....Most don't understand that the core of that relationship is FRIENDSHIP. If there's any deceit going on then there's no friendship...hence no FWB....that leaves it as a FB situation.
Posted: 9/7/2011 11:52:52 PM
|Inevitably there are feelings . So then someone gets jealous and then it goes sour .. |
If you don't have feelings after many times having sex than you had better ask yourself if you are a rock or a person . I think some guys like to go on about FWB as being ideal , but it's mostly just talk . It's "cool " , but it isn't one bit cool when somebody gets hurt ( and he or she gets nasty )
FWB is something that just does not work .
if one of us is intimate with another, it must be disclosed BEFORE having sex again.. If the other person is a potential LTR prospect, then benefits cease...
Oh yeah sure sure . So let me paint the picture ...
You are banging away regularly and having a good ole time with you " FWB" , then all of sudden there is a little side action ......
You : " Oh , I must disclose that I banged Ginger down at the wharf because I was feeling a bit horny from the salty sea air "
Her : " oh , and how was she ? "
You : " ahh not bad but nothin like you , poopsie "
Her : " ok , good , we can now resume our FWB program "
You : " yes , Let us proceed "
Posted: 9/8/2011 12:05:29 AM
FWB is something that just does not work .
It may not work for YOU, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work!
you don't wanna get in to this with me.
I'm pretty sure I can handle it!
My idea of friendship is not sinkin my kock in to some one else.
or what ever flavour of the week.
Well if THAT's how you look at it, sure...I'd never treat a friend that way!
I will/would/have been intimate with friends...but then it was about sharing intimacy with a friend and not about sticking my C@CK in something.....I can see why so many people think poorly of sex...it's because of their own attitudes!
I've never even looked at a ONS as you.... I've looked at it as sharing something beautiful and healthy with someone who also wants a night of company and pleasure....
I couldn't imagine going around with the attitude of doing something ugly with someone!
EDIT to ABOVE
If I had a dime for every time some one started a thread about a FWB situation gone wrong I'd be a millionaire.
I could say the same for ANY type of relationship....does THAT mean that NO type of relationship can work?
Very faulty reasoning at best IMHO
EDIT to BELOW
You refer to the OP as whoring her self out and FWB as unpaid prostitution, yet you ADMIT to "hit it and quit it" sex....how wonderfully moral of you....again, thanks for backing up MY take that people who think FWB is using or ugly are the people who have ugly views on sex!
Posted: 9/8/2011 12:07:16 AM
|I agree with the above redwagon guy.|
I've never gotten the FWB thing. It's like being a prostitute only you don't get paid. I tried it with a girl I knew and it made me sick because I had feelings/respect for her yet saw this side of her that was 100% selfish. Now whenever I find out some chick I'm dating is banging a FWB on the side I just hit it and quit it.
OP, you're almost 40 and whoring yourself out like a naive teenager in the hopes that some guy who looks at you like you're a hole in the ground will love you. Either find a man who actually wants a relationship or start charging admission (might as well make a few bucks while you're at it)...
Posted: 9/8/2011 12:16:11 AM
|FWB is always dificult. One person usually ends up having feelings. By the sounds of it you both ended up having feelings so I think either have a realtionship or call it quits.|
FWB is great if both people can handle it but it is most times short term and there needs to be some rules, if you agree that either one of you can still date other people fine or it's just sex between the two of you with no commitment.
To answer your qeustion, yes guys do fall the same as girls.
Posted: 9/8/2011 2:00:04 AM
|FWB type things only really work if on an emotional level niether person either doesnt see the other as "partner material" in a clear and definitive way, or if theyre just not emotionally in a place where they can be bothered with a fully fledged relationship|
The first one makes for the better scenario really, as the second can often just be a transient state, and rather than just women as many seem to think EITHER person is EQUALLY capable of coming out of that state of mind and then developing feelings for the other
With more level headed couples they will actually end the dalliance when they start to see this happening, but others will either hope or assume they will in time be reciprocated. And to be honest, that does happen if both people are temporarily "not in the mood" and are seeing someonen they "could" date if they werent feeling like that
But often you tend to find one person seeing someone they "could" date whilst not feeling like dating, and the other seeing someone they could never see as serious relationship material and thats where it tends to get messy
This notion that "falling" is a purely female trait is a misnomer. Men and women are far more similar than most want to accept in practically every area of sex, relationships, feelings, wants and needs. But the genders are just conditioned to either hide or suppress different facets of that grouping which makes them appear more different than they really are which is actually the root of a LOT of relationship problems
Whether someone will "fall" for a FB isnt to do with gender, its more to do with why that type of relationship appealed to them at the time, how their partner compares to the types they would consider dating and several other factors. Its nothing to do with simply their gender alone as both genders are equally capable of developing feelings OR having sex without developing them despite what feminists or some psychologists might try and claim
Posted: 9/8/2011 2:04:48 AM
|^^^^^^^ That's pretty accurate, hopefully the participants have discussed the reasons and feelings before beginning the benefits portion...this is where the friends part is important. Usually male/female friends are friends due to previously having tried to date and remaining friends or know each other well enough to have known not to try...|
Posted: 9/8/2011 2:47:54 AM
|He has just the situation he wants with you. How dare you mess it up by dating someone else? [sarcasm off]|
Seriously, things have been pretty good for him; you're available, he probably knows you have deeper feelings than just FWB for him, and he didn't think he had any competition for you. He didn't have to take your relationship to a deeper level, because he was getting what he wanted.
Now he is either jealous or concerned that you will end the FWB, possibly both. And, speaking as a man, you SHOULD end the FWB if you want anything more. My gut tells me he is a "friend" only because of the "benefits", and will cool toward you if you are in a relationship with someone else that precludes "benefits" for him.