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 tastelife2
Joined: 8/22/2010
Msg: 1
First date...serious opinions wantedPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I had planned to meet a girl for a drink, and stated as much. We set a time for 8pm at a local pub. Prior to meeting, she sent me a text saying she would have 1 hour to spend with me, before leaving for a concert. Upon arrival, we make small talk and look at the menu, and she makes it known that she hasn't eaten dinner and is hungry.
My first thought is this girl purposely waited to eat so that I would purchase dinner, while having a limited amount of time to interact.
I ended up ordering a large appetizer and drinks for us both, but thought it was poor form on her end. She was one of the more attractive girls I've met, and I wonder if she isn't used to having guys dote on her.

Questions:
1) Was it rude of her to show up on an empty stomach, insinuate by virtue of the fact the guy pays for the first date, that she wanted me to buy her dinner dinner?
2) Would you have bought her dinner (guys)?




Please refrain from posting user names and / or privately received emails in the forums as both are against the Forum Rules. Thank you.


 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 2
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First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:37:30 PM
when i had that first thought, the one you mention, i would have said you know what i have an even more limited time to spend with you. maybe we can do this another time.
and hit the door.
kaylee
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 3
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First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:41:45 PM

when i had that first thought, the one you mention, i would have said you know what i have an even more limited time to spend with you. maybe we can do this another time.
and hit the door.

Excellent response, Kaylee. Much better than anything I could have said.
 mrmisterme
Joined: 6/7/2009
Msg: 4
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First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:45:32 PM
You were dazzled by her beauty, so you bought her food.

You invited her for a drink, not a meal. It's a bit suspicious that, at 8pm, she hadn't eaten.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 5
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:50:54 PM

1) Was it rude of her to show up on an empty stomach, insinuate by virtue of the fact the guy pays for the first date, that she wanted me to buy her dinner dinner?


No; it was tact.

She probably would have given you a few minutes to choose to buy, and then bought herself if you didnt.


2) Would you have bought her dinner (guys)?


Nopers; not unless I was going to the concert too. I've had enough of mealwhores I dated one for way too long. I swear; this is how this girl actually fed herself!!

Truthfully; I think you played it great.

 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 6
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:52:50 PM

you know what i have an even more limited time to spend with you


You would demand more than one hour and a drink on a first date?

 tastelife2
Joined: 8/22/2010
Msg: 7
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 8:59:06 PM

You would demand more than one hour and a drink on a first date?

I think she was referring to the fact it appeared the girl wanted dinner and drinks.
Thanks for your thoughts.
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:06:59 PM
I think its pretty rude. You met for drinks not dinner. If I am meeting a guy for drinks, bowling, etc. then I am not planning on eating with him and If I do get hungry Ill pay for my own food and offer to buy something for him to eat. I think you went about it the right way splitting and appatizer between the two of you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 9:28:39 PM
There's part of this story missing. The OP didn't say what was discussed before the meet for a drink, whether this was a first meet or a mini date or what it was, whether he knew her from elsewhere, and so forth.

If this was to be a first meet, then it would NOT be rude for her to announce at the last minute that it would be limited to an hour, and that she had other plans.

As to the exchange about hunger and food, that is described here as a series of ASSUMPTIONS by the OP, based on a SINGLE statement by the woman that she was hungry.

The OP ASSUMED that he should act to take care of her hunger, EVEN THOUGH HE ALSO ALREADY KNEW THIS WAS A ONE HOUR MEET.
The OP ASSUMED that because the woman was attractive, that she was used to being given free rides.

The OP ASSUMED that she purposely arrived hungry, AND that she used HIS supposed belief that "the guy pays for the first date (even though it WASN'T a date).

With all of that assuming going on, I can ONLY blame the OP for the course of events. Take it as a learning experience, OP, that's what I did when I got "stung" like that back in my college days. Just as you did here, I did MYSELF in, and was actually in control the whole time.

Now you know that you DON'T want to pretend you have a DATE, when you only have a brief MEETING.

Now you know that YOU don't feel you should foot the bill for said "meet" without actually planning ahead of time to do so.

And OP, you can NOT both be the one CHOOSING the rules (the Guy pays for the first meet) AND ALSO blame her for accepting what YOU chose.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 10
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/18/2011 10:03:31 PM

And OP, you can NOT both be the one CHOOSING the rules (the Guy pays for the first meet) AND ALSO blame her for accepting what YOU chose.


Awesome post all around Igor. (if I may say)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 12
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/19/2011 9:06:38 AM

she sent me a text saying she would have 1 hour to spend with me, before leaving for a concert

Okay, that happens. But you can tell if she's hanging out with you out of pity due to OTHER things... but sometimes so early on it can be difficult to be totally sure...

Upon arrival, we make small talk and look at the menu, and she makes it known that she hasn't eaten dinner and is hungry.

Does her personality come across as the type of gal who would? Does she seem not interested in you, but feels obligated to hang out with you because she said she would? Even with that vibe, it can be hard to tell.

It's not the craziest situation. Yeah, I would pay... but I would have thrown out the notion of meeting up after the concert. Meeting at a pub for a drink doesn't mean only *1* drink, nor does it mean appetizers can't be ordered.

I think the real frustration is that she's not that interested (as far as you can sense), and that it sucks flipping a bill, one notably greater than you expected, while you're sitting there with someone who's interest doesn't seem to be all there. But that's part of the trials and tribulations of the dating game.

But the real question is -- was she interested? Do you have a real outing set up, or did she fluttery away for good?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 13
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First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/19/2011 9:58:38 AM
I do believe in short initial meetings, but I definitely don't like to be told ahead of time that the meeting has to be over in one hour. The idea here is that you can escape if you want to, but if the meeting goes well, you can stay longer, move on to other activities (dinner or whatever).

When it comes to paying, I never let that bother me. If I couldn't afford it, I wouldn't be going out on dates.
 tastelife2
Joined: 8/22/2010
Msg: 14
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/19/2011 11:34:44 AM
Thanks for all of the responses. There are a lot of interesting comments flying around here...some relevant, some decidedly not.

Let me clear one thing up: I did not post her name in the forum...and I have more tact than to do something like that. Someone wrote me privately about my post, and I posted her response. I think if you have something to say in response to my thread, please do it publicly. Thanks.

She did not ask for me to buy her anything. In this case, she did not offer to help when the bill came, which is fine. As a guy I will foot the bill for the first encounter/meet/whatever, unless she is adamant on paying for herself. And physical attractiveness or my desire to meet again plays absolutely NO role in that. Please do not assume I'm writing this based on my ability to get to 1st base etc. with her. That has no bearing on my question, and in fact, I am on here mostly looking for friends, though open to more.

A few have mentioned something along the lines of "no one held a gun to your head to buy her anything," or "you made the rules," But it is generally accepted that the guy pay for the first date/meeting. This is considered etiquette, in my opinion. Ordering an appetizer along with drinks is normal, in my opinion. I'm curious, of those who have sent replies along those lines (Igor, etc), would you have asked for separate checks at the end had she ordered a meal?

To me an hour is not too short, and it gives you enough time to gather a first impression and decide if you want to meet again. So I was happy with the time limit, which she set the night beforehand.
 tastelife2
Joined: 8/22/2010
Msg: 15
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/19/2011 11:50:06 AM
@forumsishie...I don't think you understood the crux of my post or my response. Thanks for your thoughts, but please exert your efforts elsewhere.
My question was an attempt to clarify what others have been suggesting.
And if a woman asks me out....as has happened, I will still pay.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 16
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:24:46 PM

Never heard a man complain about some stuffed mushrooms


Mmmm; now Im craving.

I dated a meal whore; but you wont know this about this girl until you know how and when and why she dates other men.


. In this case, she did not offer to help when the bill came


So; she expects you to pay for her, and it probably extends to house and car and such also.

Do so; just know that you're allowed to have two..or three,...or more of her. Why not; you pay for them right? Perhaps this decision can wait until the second or third date, but I hate when they dont even offer to pay some. (not like I let them, generally, but to not even offer to help out?) If she still never offers to pay, ya know you have yourself a certified who...I mean dependant.


Or, he could have whipped the menu out of her hands and said, "Forget it, gold digger


I would pay to know this is happening so I could get a nearby table.

 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 17
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/23/2011 3:00:47 PM
I think the OP made a big mistake in the way he set up the date. If I am having a date with someone, WE are the main event, not the second thought. So if she says, I have this concert to go to, and have an hour to meet. I would tell her, let's do it some other time where things are not rush. I would explain to her that I do not do rush. If she wants to do rush, let's have coffee and we do it Dutch. So I think the OP needed to do better intel. And then handle the situation much better.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/25/2011 11:01:22 AM
1. It's not a date for me, it's a meet (YMMV). I have made plans to grab a quick coffee or drink with someone before heading somewhere else so as to meet them within a couple days. Some people have two and three hours to kill within the week, I usually don't with three jobs, school full time and whatever else life throws at me on top of that - and have to plan stuff like that a couple weeks out.

I don't think it's a good idea to meet someone for three hours and dinner that I haven't met yet at all, though - neither of us wants to be stuck there more than 10 minutes if we're not interested. Once we've met and sniffed each other out a half hour or so, making plans to have an actual date the next time is more than fine.

2. I have made plans to have drinks but then decided to grab dinner in the same place instead of eating earlier before. I would never expect the person I'm meeting to pick up the check, though I will ask him if he wants to order something as well. Then I just pay for my dinner. *shrug* Did this woman say "it's on you" or did you assume she expected you to pay? Maybe she fully intended to pay for what she ordered but you grabbed it first?

3. Before I'm dating someone a couple times, they aren't going to be the main event (and neither will I) until some time has passed. We'll try to fit each other in until we want to make time because they've become more important to us during the dating process. That whole "I should come first" thing coming from men is a bit primadonna, especially in reference to a woman they don't know. I'm a woman and I don't get upset when a guy includes me in something he's already doing.

It's "hey I'm heading here, you're welcome to join", or "I have plans at 8 - let's meet at 7" until I'm dating someone more seriously (and vice versa).
 ActiveAVguy
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 19
First date...serious opinions wanted
Posted: 9/26/2011 1:39:36 PM
I always try to make sure that we are in agreement that we are just meeting for the first time and should keep things very casual. A drink means, a drink unless someone "offers" to buy the other one dinner. Unfortunately, there are some takers out there that make guys cynical about the intentions of women.

Once you have met and have somewhat of a feeling of where the date will go in the future, then it's up to you to decide how to proceed.

In your case, looking at the menu hinted that you may have been hungry and left the door open...also, when she said she was hungry, another option would have been to endorse the quality of the food at the concert venue she would be going to!

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