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 AUTHOR
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 1
Does this happen to others?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
You go out on a date and have a great time. The person seems and even says they're interested in seeing you again. Then nothing... I'm not sure if this is normal but it's happened to me 4 times now.

If I'm interested in the person I'll make contact but I don't do it aggressively. I tend to just assume that they really aren't interested and move on.

I'm just curious and would like to see if this is a normal thing and if others have experienced this, as well as their opinion on this subject.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 1:53:26 PM
We get all three sides of this issue:

1. folks like you, complaining about the "one date, then vanish (pretending things went GREAT on the one date seems to be optional)." they usually complain that "people should be more honest."

2. folks who had the person ON the first date, say "sorry, no spark." They usually complain people aren't sympathetic enough, or are too impatient.

3. the folks who DID the one and done, complaining that the other person expected too much, so they either pretended everything was great out of politeness, and then "lost" their number, or they THOUGHT things were good, and did mention further possibilities, and then changed their mind, and felt too embarrassed or awkward to call just to say "never mind."

So, yes, I see lots of this here. If you want to do a thread search, try the word "vanish."
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 3
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 1:53:38 PM


If I'm interested in the person I'll make contact but I don't do it aggressively.


There can be a fine line between being non aggressive and indifferent. If I tell someone I'm interested in seeing them again...I'm interested in seeing them again. If I smell indifference..."I tend to just assume that they really aren't interested and move on".
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 4
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:00:04 PM
When I say I try to contact them I generally only try once. Do you think perhaps that maybe I'm not showing enough interest.

I hate to be one of those woman who go all crazy and text all the time and call all the time when I like a guy. I suppose I'm shy in that sense.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 5
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:01:07 PM
You go out on a date and have a great time.

If I went on a first date with a woman and there wasn't any kissing going on, then I might have had a great time, but not great enough to do it again. Did you part ways with the obligatory hug, handshak or peck on the cheek? If so, then maybe that's why you didn't get called back. The part about being interested in seeing you again is just a way to chicken out of saying, ``not interested.''

If I'm interested in the person I'll make contact but I don't do it aggressively.

Well, if I wasn't planning to call back, that would be the way to get a second date if I had been potentially interested but the lack of physical contact said led me to think a second date was a waste of time. Being aggressive would only be a plus.

I tend to just assume that they really aren't interested and move on.

Same here.

I'm just curious and would like to see if this is a normal thing and if others have experienced this, as well as their opinion on this subject.

I have no idea. I made my decision by the end of the first date and didn't sit around waiting for the other person to make a decision.
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 6
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:04:52 PM
I am sorry but the way people are treated who may be new to the forums is a bit bothersome to me.

In response to Igor. Search "vanish" well I'm sorry but sometimes people have new thoughts and new ideas. Is it so wrong to perhaps start a new thread? I don't understand why people have such a problem with this.

I've been on social sites for years and I remember I used to give people crap about the same thing until I realized that there is always room for fresh ideas. I understand subjects get redundant but they're only redundant to people who spend all their time in the forums which I do not do.

Also, some of these dates haven't vanished. So it may not entirely apply to me.

A few of them talk to me from time to time just nothing like they did before he dates.
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 7
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:08:36 PM

. Did you part ways with the obligatory hug, handshak or peck on the cheek?


The one I'm the most interested the answer to that question would be no, there was a little more than that but nothing sexual.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 8
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:14:10 PM
^^^^ forum mods don't like to have a lot of redundant threads around; that is the context of igor's comments. if they decide this is "done to death", they will delete it.

bottom line is you can't read too much into what people say after just one date because there are a LOT of them who are so uncomfortable with the tentative nature of dating and speaking their minds that they can't even say something as simple and direct as, "it was nice to meet you but i don't think we're a match". what you *can* be pretty sure about is if some guy is genuinely interested in you, he won't waste a whole lot time figuring out a way to let you know (besides just spouting a lot of pleasantries right before he disappears, i mean...)
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 9
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:14:43 PM
OP - guys don' t really need for you to tell us you are interested...

at least not in words.


if we liked ya we'll ask you out again.

its up to YOU to make yourself available to us if you are in fact interested...


we don't need road maps...

but we do see stop signs.


that is the natural order of things.


if you as a woman give me any verbal clues about how interested you are - i am going to KNOW that you are really into me...

and I will proceed accordingly which winds up straight in your bed...at the cul de sac you live in on the end...


make sense...


people try to complicate things...

if we just leave things the way they were and have always been - it makes dating a LOT easier.
 kiwicoffee
Joined: 4/18/2011
Msg: 10
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:18:14 PM
Yes it keeps happening to me as well. I know it's easy to internalise it and assume it's us but it probably isn't. At least that's what I tell myself. Deep down I have to wonder if there's something fundamentally wrong me me that makes me undatable, like I'm some sort of dud.
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 11
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:27:40 PM

if you as a woman give me any verbal clues about how interested you are - i am going to KNOW that you are really into me...


Perhaps that's where I'm lacking. I don't necessarily make it verbal that I'm interested in the person. Rejection used to be one of my biggest fears. So, I know it's something I need to work on.


Deep down I have to wonder if there's something fundamentally wrong me me that makes me undatable, like I'm some sort of dud.


SOMETIMES, I think it's me but I usually snap out of that really fast. As I mentioned before I was rejected a lot in my teens and early 20's so I think it left a scar that I'm trying to get rid of.
 3xsacharmsotheysay
Joined: 8/12/2011
Msg: 12
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:30:25 PM
Sometimes you just don't know until you meet them face to face. I never spend too much time with emails or phone chatting. Until the two of you meet none of that matters. Don't take it personally and keep expectations in check. It truly is a numbers game!!! Good luck :)
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 13
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:46:03 PM
Yes, OP, I sympathize with your Msg #6. It appears that about dozen or so individuals on this forum site are engaged in an Olympic size competition in trying to be the first to jump on any and every subject, having an opinion on any and every subject, and sadly, with never an ounce of empathy for anyone. A genuine desire to offer a helpful suggestion or provide a constructive point of view that adds to healthy discussion of the subject at hand is almost always absent.

I am glad that you took a stand by speaking out against this form of intimidation and mild harassment. I support this and even suggest that maybe forum moderator/s should put a limit on how many posts a day (say, 3?) or a week (say, 15-20?) by a single individual to be considered reasonable. POF provides a great forum for free exchange of thoughts, ideas, concerns, & feelings. A healthy dose of restraint on the part of concerned would be a welcome change.
 Possessions
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 14
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 2:59:34 PM
In response to kmx; It's not that I have a problem with people who post a lot, but to attack others because a subject is redundant is a bit much. I've seen people be outright rude to others. I understand that some people come to the site strictly for forums and I can also understand how it might get annoying to read the same subjects all the time, but these subjects are done by different people and really all I was looking for was new thoughts new ideas.

I just think people need to take that into consideration that perhaps the poster is new, perhaps they want people to respond to their specific situation and for me, I like to respond to responses. I don't necessarily like reading a 30 page thread from 2 years ago where I will just be reading and make one post with no personal interaction.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 15
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 3:19:34 PM

When I say I try to contact them I generally only try once. Do you think perhaps that maybe I'm not showing enough interest.


I'm not privy to what kind of "contact" you're talking about...so this is not directed specifically to you. But...what I've gathered personally and from the forums is that many people either don't communicate effectively or use inappropriate forms of communication.

If you mean you sent him a text...he responded...and now you haven't heard from him again...you dropped the ball. If you called him and told him you had a nice time and would like to do it again...he's lost interest.

I've gotten first contacts...replied (open ended) and never heard back. I don't know (or care) what the deal is. Either she was killing time, got a better offer or can't seem to figure out how to maintain communication. Or maybe she figured I needed to begin a hot pursuit. I say what's on my mind...when it's on my mind. If you've done that...the ball is in his court...or...somewhere down the line...one of you have dropped it.

Only you know if you've showed enough interest and how interested you are/were. He said he wanted to see you again...did you ask him out? Or...are we waiting for someone else to create opportunity for us?
 CulturedSistah19
Joined: 9/12/2011
Msg: 16
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 3:32:41 PM
A couple of years ago one date shared that he had been talking with a woman for quite some time, and while the date went very well he was offended that she didn't call him right after the date to thank him. He thought it was rude, and by the time he decided to reach out a week or two later things were chilly between them. I offered that perhaps she felt that the thanks given at the end of the night would suffice and she would wait for his next move.

So it's hard to tell what people are thinking and why they do or don't do certain things. After that date, I did send him a note as soon as I got home thanking him, and he called me before he read the note. I think if folks have been communicating really well prior, a call from either one is a nice gesture, unless things went drastically wrong.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 17
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 3:32:43 PM

Perhaps that's where I'm lacking. I don't necessarily make it verbal that I'm interested in the person. Rejection used to be one of my biggest fears. So, I know it's something I need to work on.



oh yes, we men are taught the world does not revolve around us at an early age.

we have to learn how to deal with rejection as little boys or we won't make it in this life very well.



anyhow - you missed what I was trying to say OP - you do not have to TELL me...but if you do, unless I already am totally into you....I'm gonna stomp on the gas and get you to bed and that's it...
 femaleandflirty
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 18
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:01:57 PM

Possessions

Have all your dates been from dating sites? THen it is par for the course and you are dealing with players and liars... THey may be married or otherwise partnered, looking for quick sex or whatever.....I think everyone eventually may experience this if you have enough dates.... Some people are frightened to get close or have a real relationship, there are many reasons...
 femaleandflirty
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 19
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:05:13 PM
Boondock.

Many men are raised to think they are the king of the universe, especially by their mothers....We all have to deal with rejection one way or another....
As for getting a woman into bed on the first connection, well that wont necessarily happen even with chemistry......dream on!!!
 femaleandflirty
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 20
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:14:01 PM
Another argument for treating the first meet as just that, a meeting. If he paid for the meal or whatever, then thanking him at the end of the meeting, is all that is needed. I for one would always go dutch as I think it is only fair.....no matter how long you may have communicated beforehand.....
 femaleandflirty
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 21
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:17:54 PM
REvilors

I wish every man was as sensitive and alert to the signals being given out, as you are.
I find that they just dont pick up on the lack of interest and take my politeness as interest I guess. I have had only four meetings from a dating site and three of them wanted to see me again despite my evident lack of interest... Maybe I should be more pointed but I dont like to appear rude.....a fine line.....
 MagikMan59
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 22
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:37:37 PM
LMAO, I just had that happen to me. We emailed back and forth everyday, talked on the phone a couple of times and then she kept wanting to set a time to meet. We meet, it seemed like both had a good time, and then..........nothing.
Not even one email or text saying I don't think we're a match. I'm 52, she is 46, is that too much to ask? Really?
It seems some people are very mature, until they lose interest, then it's like we're in high school all over again. Oh well, I guess dating really hasn't changed all that much over the years.
 MagikMan59
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 23
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:42:10 PM

I find that they just dont pick up on the lack of interest and take my politeness as interest I guess. I have had only four meetings from a dating site and three of them wanted to see me again despite my evident lack of interest... Maybe I should be more pointed but I dont like to appear rude.....a fine line.....


How about just saying "I'm not interested, thanks"? Is that really so hard?
When women like a guy they have no problem talking a mile a minute, but once they lose interest not a single word. Stop with the "hints" and speak up!
 smua
Joined: 4/20/2010
Msg: 24
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History
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 4:57:49 PM
It sort of happened to me a couple of times. After the date I was wondering why the guy didn`t ask me out again. When I really stopped to think about it, I wasn`t really interested in either guy. Just miffed that they weren`t interested in me. I realised they actually made life easier for me.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 25
Does this happen to others?
Posted: 9/23/2011 5:05:14 PM



When women like a guy they have no problem talking a mile a minute,
but once they lose interest not a single word.
Stop with the "hints" and speak up!


READ what you just wrote. It's right there...in black and white.

You KNOW this. Yet you wonder why she didn't communicate it. She did... Just take the "hint".
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