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 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 1
Etiquette for parents who are datingPage 1 of 1    
I searched for rule/etiquette/manners to be practiced BY the single parent regarding their children while dating and did not find that.

As a dating parent I have seen some rude behavior tolerated by other parents while on a date with them and their children.

This is a really important topic as it means the difference between getting to know someone well and then feeling like their children or parenting style is a dealbreaker because if you don't feel they will modify or adjust to make a fit for the GROUP on a date, then it tends to be the big chill thinking about blending families or combining a new partner into a home with a parent and children.

So, as a dating parent, what do you expect in terms of Parental Etiquette when you are dating another parent? What do you practice yourself, if you were to go out on a group outing with the other parent and all the children? ARE you willing to modify or make adjustments to help everyone enjoy a group activity?
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 2
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 9/28/2011 3:15:27 PM

I don't date people's children.

I get to know someone well first and then when I decide we were going to be a 'couple' I may suggest meeting the kids.



I have always admired your way of thinking :)
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 3
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 9/28/2011 7:05:00 PM
Clarification : Of course, one keeps the children out of dating life UNTIL.

UNTIL you meet someone you are seriously considering for commitment.

What are you going to do, introduce the kids after you get married or move in with someone? No adjustment period at all to get to know each other, just the decision of the two adults?

So, the point is, after you decide this person is someone you want to involve in your whole life and your kids' lives, how do you go about your own parental etiquette involving your children and how they behave around your new potential partner?

Do you let the children run wild and irritate your partner to see "if they can take it?"

Do you let older teenagers say rude and insulting comments to your partner and then shrug it off with "they're just kids?"

Do you insist that the kids adjust to some of your partners' needs and preferences?

Do you, in other words, protect your partner's interests at all?

Or is it just, they're a grownup so they're fair game, and the kids are the only ones who get your concern?
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 4
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:30:17 PM

What are you going to do, introduce the kids after you get married or move in with someone? No adjustment period at all to get to know each other, just the decision of the two adults?


I think you are smarter than that, to read between the lines.

The point to the "waiting game" is to make sure this is a mate you can see yourself being serious about. If so, then it should be a given introduce a day at a time.

The adjustment period, I would think, would be a good judge of character...after dating the person, you get a sense of how they handle patience, their viewpoints and morals on child disapline, etc. Almost like a job interview. You dont want to put all your cards out on the table that quick. Why subject a child to your dating life? How do you know its going to last and not be a revolving door of dating lifestyles for yourself and your child/ren?


So, the point is, after you decide this person is someone you want to involve in your whole life and your kids' lives, how do you go about your own parental etiquette involving your children and how they behave around your new potential partner?

Just parent them how you would normally parent them. "This is me in all my glory as a parent and woman". I know we all want us and our kids to be on their best behavior when its all about 'testing the waters', but to put it simply, its just the way it is. You cant change or make a child be a certain way after raising them the way you have. (dont know if that makes sense).
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 5
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 9/29/2011 7:04:48 AM
I have seen and heard a lot of things that are not part of my own life.

And yes, I am using just one very brief example to illustrate, but mine is a drop in the bucket.

It is just a thought-provoking thread in response to so many single parent threads wondering why everybody isn't thrilled to date single parents.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 6
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History
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 9/29/2011 8:32:40 AM

Ya know, most marriages that involve young children from previous partners do not survive.

This is usually because of conflicting loyalties and the children come between the couple.

It is often a reason why conventional marriages fail, too. One parent makes the kids a priority over their partner.

So even if the two of you get along so well, but your children do not blend with the relationship, it could be hell for everyone until it ends in disaster.

Couples with "blended families" that do survive have an understanding that the strength and stability of their relationship must take priority over the children.

That does not mean that the children are not important or neglected or in any way of second value.... what it does mean is that the couple communicate and support and assist each other in planning and finding ways to work through issues that will inevitably arise.

They do not let the children come between them.



This was very well written........

I see so many ladies profiles that have "my kids come first". If your kids come first, that fine and dandy, but please, you really shouldn't be dating if thats the case. A relationship will become strained and eventually fail if the kids are unequivocally always first and the relationship with your mate is constantly second......

I made sure I skipped all the ladies that had "my kids come first" in their profiles for this very reason. If you cannot put a relationship at least on an equal footing of importance as your kids, I'm always going to feel like I'm in second place and I simply won't accept that..........
 ForumFlashLight
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 7
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 9/30/2011 7:53:10 PM
[Ya know, most marriages that involve young children from previous partners do not survive.

This is usually because of conflicting loyalties and the children come between the couple.

It is often a reason why conventional marriages fail, too. One parent makes the kids a priority over their partner.

So even if the two of you get along so well, but your children do not blend with the relationship, it could be hell for everyone until it ends in disaster.

Couples with "blended families" that do survive have an understanding that the strength and stability of their relationship must take priority over the children.

That does not mean that the children are not important or neglected or in any way of second value.... what it does mean is that the couple communicate and support and assist each other in planning and finding ways to work through issues that will inevitably arise.

They do not let the children come between them.]

Reposted just for the joy of seeing sanity on a forum.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 8
Etiquette for parents who are dating
Posted: 10/1/2011 5:49:24 AM
OP,

This is a touchy subject as you can see from the responses. Thank you Majyk1, communicate to your S.O. about his nonchalant approach to the kids rude behavior toward you. That shouldn't be part of "the deal".

Now as a parent of younger children, mine are well behaved thankfully, however I have had one instance where I was told that I was "doting on them too much". The setting was a picnic / cookout at a public park with a beach during a holiday. There were hundreds of people as you can imagine partying, cooking. Again, my children are young so I feel responsible to check on them especially in a public venue. So I did as I felt was responsible. Then when the food was done, I fetched them so that they could have something to eat / drink. This was my "doting" on them situation more or less.

If you date someone with children (this is once you've established to being a couple) they're part of the deal. You can choose to pass parents with children you know. I have no preconceived ideas on how to raise your children, and unless they're rude, obnoxious I'll just go with the flow.

Again, this is a sensitive topic.

G
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