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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe      Home login  
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 MissSharon0905
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 1
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I posted this on a different part of the forum and realize now that may not have been the audience for it, and also didn't realize it would be locked after 21 replies. So I'm trying it here in hopes of clearer answers.

So as long as I can remember in my dating life, I very often am approached by men who are primarily interested in sex and really not much more. I'm often approached by unavailable men (married, girlfriends, fiances) who are interested in affairs. I'm approached by men who say they don't want a relationship or anything serious, but then a week after interacting with me are magically in a relationship.

So my questions, is there a vibe a woman can give off with out knowing it that makes men think she is good for the sack and not much more? Even on this site, after reading through my profile which makes it pretty clear I'm not looking for a hook up, 90% of the initial contacts I get are interested in "intimate encounters" and the other 10% usually pretend to be interested in more than that at first and then with in just a few messages it becomes clear they're just interested in sex too.

Please don't get me wrong, I love sex just as much as the next girl, but there's got to be something more out there right? I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's just me... is there something about me that screams HOOK UP! or is this just a guy thing, where the majority of men are going to be this way and I've got to wade through it to find what I'm looking for?

Let me be clear, I'm not asking why all men want sex, that's just a silly question. I'm asking if there are certain cues I should be wary of putting out, something I'm doing with out realizing it, that is coming off as an invitation to this sort of relationship. In your experience, what are the types of things a woman says or does that might make you write her off as relationship material but makes it seem like she'd still be good enough for sex?
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 2
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:10:54 AM
You are allowed to start only ONE thread on a given topic. It's against the rules to keep reposting the same thread until you get answers you like.
 MissSharon0905
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 3
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:18:19 AM
I'm actually not fishing for answer I like, it's just that where I posted the question before I actually didn't really get any answers. It was a lot of confusing replies about women trying to get men to buy them dinner and it didn't really have anything to do with my question. So I just figured I had maybe put it up in the wrong part of the forum. That's the only reason I tried it here. And as I mentioned, I didn't realize it would be locked after a few replies, so I could have maybe even potentially received valid answers there, but the thread was locked before any real answers came through, so I thought I'd put it some where that wasn't limited. I'm not just trying to "get the answers I like".
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 4
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:22:26 AM
This thread will be deleted soon because it's against the rules. In the future keep threads you start out of the "Ask a guy" section because replies there is limited to 21 as you already know. Sorry.
 MissSharon0905
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 5
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:27:05 AM
Well hopefully not every one is as cold hearted as you seem to be about this. I didn't realize it was against the rules when I posted it. And I didn't realize threads were limited in the Ask Guys section or I wouldn't have posted it there. I'm fairly new here, just started on the forums yesterday. I don't know all of the rules yet and it was an honest mistake. Hopefully some one else will see it for what it is, and realize I am asking a genuine question here. I've noticed a sort of clique mentality around here as the new girl. It doesn't seem that new people are very welcome around here :/ Or treated with much kindness.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 6
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:35:48 AM
Sorry it's not a matter of being cold hearted it's just the rules. The reason I said your thread is going to get deleted is because I reported it as against the rules and a mod will delete it when they see my post. After reading your reason for reposting I feel bad for reporting it, but I can't take the report back. So I did the next best thing(I thought) which is giving you some advice about how things work around here.

We actually want new people in the forums. And yes your question is a very valid one. But the rules are here for a reason and breaking them has consequences. Speaking as a person who has spent quite a bit of time in banned camp(Mostly unjust but that's just my opinion)for violating those rules.

We are not out to get you. Just trying to put you on the right path so your stay here will be as enjoyable as possible. Sorry if you feel unwelcome it most certainly isn't my intent.

I look forward to reading and replying to other threads you start in the future.
 MissSharon0905
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 7
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:42:19 AM
Well I appreciate the apology, so thank you for that. But it is a little frustrating to know that I won't ever be allowed to ask this question again now that I've been reported, and it really is the only question I had. So that just means I'll never get an answer to my question?
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 8
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:48:30 AM
Well I appreciate the apology, so thank you for that. But it is a little frustrating to know that I won't ever be allowed to ask this question again now that I've been reported, and it really is the only question I had. So that just means I'll never get an answer to my question?
Sharon the mods do have the option of letting your thread slide if they think your reason for reposting it is valid. They will just deleted the off topic back and forth between us and give your thread a pass this time. Not saying it will happen, but the option is there. My bad for reporting it, but I am sure somebody else would have eventually.
 MissSharon0905
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 9
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:54:16 AM
@ProcolHarem
In the original post there were one or two replies that were relevant to my question out of the 21 (keep in mind it counts my original post as one, and I had replied a few times and that took up space) but out of the other replies I did get, they were totally off topic and like I said, something about women trying to get men to take them out to dinner (which as you can see has nothing at all to do with my question) and one person even bothered to waste a post by correcting my grammar on my profile. Really what it boiled down it is just that the question really didn't get answered and I probably could have probed those who did reply with valid answers to have been able to better understand their replies, but the thread was closed by that point.

@TDH49
I'll just cross my fingers that ends up happening. I know you wouldn't have reported it had you known, so really no worries. If it gets deleted, no hard feelings. I just really hope it doesn't lol.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 8:54:29 AM
You got 11 or 12 valid replies in your other posts, so I don't know what you're complaining about, especially since you used up most of the other replies by commenting every reply you got.

As for your question, most of us get mostly responses from guys who are only looking for sex. You're a sexy, attractive woman. Men want sex with sexy, attractive women.

Some of them, SOME, also want relationships. The ones who do, actually have standards beyond sexy and attractive. So, for some of them, there will be things in your profile that they don't like, because they're standars for compatibility are higher. So, many of them won't contact you, because you don't meet their standards.

The ones who only want sex, on the other hand, you meet their standards, and there's more of them to begin with.

This is the same for all sexy attractive women here.

It's up to you to weed out the ones you don't want.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 11
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:08:23 AM

or is this just a guy thing, where the majority of men are going to be this way and I've got to wade through it to find what I'm looking for?


^^^ Op,you've answered your own question - you think you're the one and only girl on here who's experienced this?
Even an ole dinosaur such as moi and without a photo gets ridiculous emails from sex starved men
It happens to ALL of us.

Ive just posted on another Thread where a guy was questioning why women dont want sex coz they've blocked men looking for Intimate Encounters LOL!!
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:32:21 AM
I would say your experiences given your age is very typical, most guys are not interested in long term the day they meet you. So if you meet guys at parties, clubs etc of course they are looking to hook up. It's very natural.
How do you present yourself to others? Are you overly flirty, do you dress provocatively, do you have cleavage shots in your profile? Yes, there is certainly a vibe some women give out that is overtly sexual. It is the "it" factor. You either got it or not.
Being a young single Mom to a lot of guys says you are easy, too. I do not believe that myself, but from posts I have read on here over the years it is a very common complaint among young ladies.
My advice will aways be to behave the way you want others to perceive you and you will never be sorry.
 MissSharon0905
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 13
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:36:30 AM
@Kitten189 I'm not so much surprised by it online because people try to hide behind the anonymity of internet to behave in ways they probably wouldn't in real life, but this is a problem I have in real life as well. And often. I'm propositioned literally several times a week by men in real life. Never about dating, just about sex. But these aren't men who have aversions to relationships, they just for some reason view me as a sexual object and not dating material.

@Landra2 Yes, I'm pretty sure that's a fairly obvious cue lol. But I think for some reason you're assuming that I am sleeping with them and I'm not sure where you got that from.
 distinct_purpose
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 14
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:38:52 AM
It's because you look like you would be good in the sack!!!

Didn't really mean that as a joke, some women (probably men as well) just seem to have an aura about then that is very sexual.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 15
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:46:17 AM
they just for some reason view me as a sexual object and not dating material.


Sharon,i also experience this in Real Life as im sure plenty of women do and the only thing i can come up with(in MY instance)is that in Real Life im very friendly and chatty and *some* men mistakenly take this as something else.
Just tonight - at work - i had some guy continually being sexually suggestive to me every chance he got and i WASN'T encouraging him.
Watchagonnado?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 16
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 9:47:46 AM

So my questions, is there a vibe a woman can give off with out knowing it that makes men think she is good for the sack and not much more?

I always seemed to meet women who wanted relationships, even when it started out as a one-night thing. The few times I've had a one-noght stand that remained a one-night stand were with women for whom circumstances made anything else impossible, like only being in town visiting someone. In those cases, they were pretty blatant about what they wanted, so if there's an ``I want sex only,'' vibe other than inviting me to get undressed, I am unaware of it. On the other hand, guys are generally more focussed on sex, so maybe what you're seeing is just normal behaviour that isn't uniquely directed toward you.

In your experience, what are the types of things a woman says or does that might make you write her off as relationship material but makes it seem like she'd still be good enough for sex?

Nothing. In terms of being ``good enough,'' if I'd sleep with her, I'd be open to a relationship. However, I wasn't open to relationtionships with women who wanted to date more than one guy at a time, but I would have considered those women for a possible fwb or fb relationship and nothing more. In that case, it wasn't a matter of not being ``good enough,'' but a matter of not wanting to end up in a relationship with a woman who was possibly sleeping with several other guys she was dating, while I was dating her.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 17
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 4:20:57 PM
So as long as I can remember in my dating life, I very often am approached by men who are primarily interested in sex and really not much more. I'm often approached by unavailable men (married, girlfriends, fiances) who are interested in affairs.
Men lacking in morals really don't care about what you are looking for. All they care about is a little sumthin sumthin on the side.


I'm approached by men who say they don't want a relationship or anything serious, but then a week after interacting with me are magically in a relationship.
It's most likely an excuse for not wanting a relationship with you. I am curious to know why you would be interacting with men who tell you they have no interest in a relationship. I would think from this thread that you would avoid those men like the plague?



So my questions, is there a vibe a woman can give off with out knowing it that makes men think she is good for the sack and not much more?
In real life there are quite a few women/men who fit this bill. But it's much harder to tell online, but not impossible.



Even on this site, after reading through my profile which makes it pretty clear I'm not looking for a hook up, 90% of the initial contacts I get are interested in "intimate encounters" and the other 10% usually pretend to be interested in more than that at first and then with in just a few messages it becomes clear they're just interested in sex too
Some men make a habit of using your profile against you. They use your likes and dislikes to their advantage. That's why it's important that you don't put things in your profile that men/women can use to get close to you.



I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's just me... is there something about me that screams HOOK UP!
Men in your age range will bum rush you every chance they get trying to get your victoria secrets on the floor. It's just what they do. It's not personal with them, you just happen to fit the minimum requirement for guys that age. Female with a pulse.



or is this just a guy thing, where the majority of men are going to be this way and I've got to wade through it to find what I'm looking for?
BINGO! You might have to hold out a lot longer until you are sure the guy is in it for the same reasons you are.



I'm asking if there are certain cues I should be wary of putting out, something I'm doing with out realizing it, that is coming off as an invitation to this sort of relationship. In your experience, what are the types of things a woman says or does that might make you write her off as relationship material but makes it seem like she'd still be good enough for sex?
Stop listening to what men tell you. Learn to give more weight to actions. Pretend that you are from the show me state.

Glad your thread survived as I knew getting answers was very important to you.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 18
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 7:48:19 PM

So my questions, is there a vibe a woman can give off with out knowing it that makes men think she is good for the sack and not much more?

Only if they are drunk.
Then it's called being nice to them.


Even on this site, after reading through my profile which makes it pretty clear I'm not looking for a hook up, 90% of the initial contacts I get are interested in "intimate encounters" and the other 10% usually pretend to be interested in more than that at first and then with in just a few messages it becomes clear they're just interested in sex too.

You seem pretty new.
Here's how it works.
If people are looking to use you, where you are just an extension of them, a means for their end (or your end har har), they don't care what you say. The only points on your profile of any interest is that which helps them have sex with you.
You are here for them (in their head) they are not here for you.


there's got to be something more out there right?

Why?
Sex creates new life. It feels good, is extremely validating, and is great exercise.
What could be more than that? Can you eat cheeto's and crap new gods?


I'm asking if there are certain cues I should be wary of putting out, something I'm doing with out realizing it, that is coming off as an invitation to this sort of relationship.

If people want to have sex with you it doesn't matter what vibes you send out.
You could put you have herpes on your profile, and you will get some guys starting off with "I'll bet it gets lonely, I could scratch that itch."
You can not control how other people will react to you.
Goths and tattooed people try to do it, and tell themselves they've accomplished something....but they really haven't.


. In your experience, what are the types of things a woman says or does that might make you write her off as relationship material but makes it seem like she'd still be good enough for sex?

There's only one real vibe that is relevant to that, IMO.
The only "vibe" you can really give out that will keep a lot of guys from approaching you just for sex is the "high maintenance" vibe. And that just makes sex with you too "expensive," in terms of time and bullshit effort vs. reward.
Of course if it is faked it is easily spotted.
Although a short cut is usually religion (relationship about god). If there is little to no chance of making the relationship about them, fulfilling them, gratifying them, it takes too much time and effort to turn you around.
The problem with that is it tends to turn off guys that actually do want a relationship, because they tend to want at least 50/50 of the relationship about them and gratifying them.
 Ailliss
Joined: 3/16/2010
Msg: 19
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/28/2011 11:44:54 PM

In your experience, what are the types of things a woman says or does that might make you write her off as relationship material but makes it seem like she'd still be good enough for sex?


I am being honest, not trying to offend so hope you do not take it that way.

Apparently you do not work, yet you are 28 years old.

You are a single mom who spends your spare time dancing and going to the movies.

You are overweight and without even a vehicle; which given where you live is a necessity. How do you support yourself and your child? This can be a very important factor to a good man looking for more than sex.

Men may think you have not taken life seriously but rather the easy path. If you are not seriously willing to work for what you want how can you expect them to see you any differently? Why not put off dating until you have to offer another that which you seek?
 fishingagain
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 20
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/29/2011 3:08:04 AM
My guess is that you are looking and acting provocatively and/or seductively, whether on purpose or not. Take your profile pics for instance. You don't want to come off as a hook up, but you have a pic where your breast is ready to fall out of your shirt. Not saying it's a bad pic, it's actually a quite good pic, but right there is one of the cues you are talking about.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 9/29/2011 6:41:49 AM
The same thing happened to me, I posted on Ask a guy, unaware of the 21 reply limit. Don't get why some people are so anal about reposting questions...
 getanet
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 22
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 10/3/2011 6:29:49 PM
Hey rules fascists: lighten up.

What is storage space these days? 1/one millionth of a penny per GB? If they want to use us for targeted marketing as part of this site, don't be so gung-ho about saving disk space.

OP: you already started one thread about how you are on an online porn site. I'd say there is probably a VERY sexual vibe you give off but perhaps are not aware? Either that, or they are familiar with your site. lol!

With most things in life, you're probably getting what you're giving.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Relationship vibe vs. Hook up vibe
Posted: 10/3/2011 7:15:18 PM
trying to synthesize a 'vibe' is the wrong approach to what you're doing. you won't be able to generate some force field that causes undesirable men to bow out of your search. what you WILL be able to do is learn what undesirable behavior or demeanor looks like, and filter out those guys yourself. but you still won't be able to get others to do this work for you.

one aspect of the work is 'trying on' people until you find one who fits you. not everyone sees this as drudgery to be undertaken en route to the prize. the other kind of work, which is much less direct, is the internal process in which you increase your knowledge of men and dealing with them by increasing your knowledge of yourself and life and everything - aka the acquisition of wisdom.

i invite you to consider the idea of being in control of your emotions. i think this is the primary place where women who crave the 'relationship' get themselves in trouble, because they bang some guy and fall in love with him in a few months before knowing whether he wants the same things. they're emotionally impatient and do not allow for the slowness of the process, where keeping the emotions in check allows for greater discernment as people unfold, and less heartache if a dealbreaker issue comes up.
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