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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 1
Deal breakers-Then and NowPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Everybody has deal breakers and the purpose of dating is to look for red flags and deal breakers. Usually, if you came out of a bad relationship, your deal breaker quota goes up because you discovered new deal breakers that you hadn't thought of before.

What deal breakers have you added to you list (or deleted) since your last relationship-or since your first relationship if you're not well versed in the dating world?
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 2
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:43:36 PM
Gee...who knew!!!

I always thought "the purpose of dating" was to have a good time and meet some interesting women, maybe even the right one to have a relationship with!

Now I know I have wasted my time, not spending it looking for red flags.

Ah well...live and learn.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 3
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:44:21 PM
Is that the purpose of dating?

To look for red flags and deal breakers???

I think that would be one right there.
 Sweven
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 4
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:46:42 PM
I can't tell if you're trying to be funny
the purpose of dating is to look for red flags and deal breakers
checked your posting history, and still can't be sure, but thank you for the laugh anyway (it's still funny, even as restated :)

Oops, I better answer or I'll BE REPORTED.

I did encounter a couple of deal-breakers: 1) jobless & expecting to mooch + 2) uncontrollable temper (red flags to those would be obvious).

Generally I didn't operate with a checklist of red flags so much as looking for things in common. There's a whole lot he can get wrong, if he's got the right things just right.
 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 5
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History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:46:43 PM
I'm coming to despise the term 'red flag'. Seriously... when was the last time you spent time getting to know someone without expecting something negative to appear?

Nothing in my life has changed... I'm attracted to a man's personality, attitude as well as appearance. If he doesn't appeal to me on all three of those levels, I simply will not date him...

Easy peasy...
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 6
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Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:52:24 PM
uh oh op
just a minor wording problem can change the meaning of everything!


assuming that you meant one of the purposes of dating someone is to get to know them over time so you begin to see the real person. and sometimes in the process you find red flags waving at you warning you that this person has just revealed something you should pay attention to.......right?

my red flags, as a result of my previous long term marriage and subsequent reflection on my part to determine those things that i want to avoid a repeat performance on are:

alcholics, full blown or on the way to alcoholics
a history of cheating
an incapacity for honest open communication

those are the reds
i have some yellow caution flags that i picked up from online dating

kaylee
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 7
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 6:59:15 PM

assuming that you meant one of the purposes of dating


Yep-ONE of the purposes. Another point-don't take short cuts when conveying a question on a post.
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 8
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 7:05:44 PM
ah i met this black guy, he cute, but his personality is just not interesting enough to make me want to see him more and more. even though he was really nice and really wanting to meet up again and again and he really is very nice but i can not take his uninteresting personality any longer. even if he calls, i do not answer it most times. i hate to do that but if i answer, it would just keep his hopes up of wanting to meet again which i do not want to do anymore. am so sorry. oh i feel like an a.s.s. for feeling this way. but i do not want to give him false hopes. i really apologize to you, (guy's name).

you right most women are drawn to a.s.s.holes. i hate that but it happens each time.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 9
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 7:16:56 PM
people who give vague answers,...
avoiding a direct answer.

past history of cheating
 Ideoform
Joined: 9/23/2007
Msg: 10
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History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 7:21:25 PM
The purpose of doing an online Search is to find those you are interested in. If you only look for red flags you are going to risk being judgemental about everyone and perhaps weed out someone prematurely.

The parts of the profile that say things like 'non-smoking', 'drugs yes/no,' 'height,' 'religion' and such are to let people weed themselves out before even contacting online.

The purpose of dating is to have a nice time meeting new people and hearing their stories and jokes and perhaps getting out of your comfort zone with a few things. If you don't do that occasionally, you will end up dating the same person over and over again.

I do like the question -- what you have added to your knowledge about dating since the last relationship. Everyone needs to think that one through a bit. I don't particularly like dating, for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that you learn about yourself as well as other people, and human nature in general. What I learn about myself is more about my own boundaries. But one person's red flag can be another's favorite thing to be around. Well, some of the time, anyway.

My boundaries can seem invisible until someone pushes against them. I thought I was being open-minded dating an atheist, for instance, but he had so much trouble with me being a Christian that I now am thinking I don't want to even try dating an atheist. I tried not discussing religion at all, and only discussing his beliefs, but it just wasn't enough. I don't know if you can convert someone else to atheism, but sometimes it felt like the only way things would work, because he seemed to be angry at Christians so much of the time. Then again, maybe he was just angry a lot.

But, I think that if I just eliminate a whole category of people, that is a form of bias, even bigotry. Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone has to be totally fair about dating, ever. But in a way, if I eliminate a whole category of person at once, maybe I will be eliminating the people who have the most to teach me. And I might be eliminating people based on something that had nothing to do with why our relationship ended.

Sometimes people will tell you one thing about why it isn't working out for them, when really it is another... perhaps not so nice reason... so you never really know based on past experience with some things.

I can't change my height, so I have to accept that some people will be OK with that and some people might not. But each person is half the equation in a relationship, and so sometimes I am the cause of a dynamic between us that I can mistakenly think is all the other person when its not. Perhaps the guy I just stopped seeing had some really bad stuff happen to him by people that he thought was all about them being Christian. Maybe it wasn't the Christianity vs Atheism, but the way they interacted together that was the problem.

We all do better in social situations where we are similar in a lot of ways to the group we are with. That might be all it is, really. But who wants to just look for carbon copies of one's self? There's the tricky part. What's important to have the same and what isn't.

I think in the end you have to treat each person as a unique example of humanity. If you want to eliminate all the smokers and all the drug addicts, and other stuff that is difficult to change or deal with, I can understand that, particularly if you have children living at home. But if you try to eliminate all the other things that can be problems for any two people, you might end up looking for a very long time and missing out on a lot of fun, (or at least interesting,) perhaps adventurous, dates in the meantime.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 11
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History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/9/2011 7:41:08 PM
red flags?

~ men with checklists
~ men with penis envy
~ men with numbers obsessions
~ men who think they know my mind better than I do
~ men that can't handle a woman that has an ex for a friend

and I learned these were all "red flags" by reading the forums....not by actually dating!
 --Zen--
Joined: 6/29/2011
Msg: 12
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 1:38:29 AM
Oh I don't know I wanna date a girl with red flags. Commies don't submit well... Now republican chicks...
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 1:52:10 AM
What deal breakers have you added to you list (or deleted) since your last relationship-or since your first relationship if you're not well versed in the dating world?

About the only deal breaker I have added is not dating women who remain in touch with exes. I've never had a woman cheat with an ex, but exes always find a way to be a pain in the ass one way or another. Oh, I almost left out a second one that I threw in there after reading the forums. I wouldn't date someone who is a member of the red flag constabulary. Those people seem like they're looking for reasons to not date anyone than looking for someone to date. It's one thing to not date someone for a specific reason, but to make tenuous links between some rather anbiguous behaviour and a fatal character flaw just reeks of paranoia. Other than that, I just met women and whatever happened, happened. I figured I can always bail out of a tragic mistake, so taking a risk wasn't a vig deal.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 14
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History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 3:41:35 AM
What may be a "red flag" with one person won't be with the next. Someone who has little income and tends to mooch would be a problem. Someone else has little income but manages to live within their means isn't.
I don't allow past experiences to cloud my judgement on new ones. Being single for 20 years I've experienced just about every "red flag" there is. I'd never date again if I didn't look at the current person with an open mind.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 15
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 3:49:55 AM
Give Abelian high marks for his commentary! Thanks brother, that's spot on in my experiences.

G
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 16
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History
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 4:09:07 AM
My deal breakers: Smoking (cigarettes and marijuana), drinking to intoxication, abuse of drugs, history of abusive behavior, history of cheating, poor personal boundaries/inappropriate behavior with opposite sex and exes, lack of accountability/personal responsibility, dishonesty, lack of transparency/too much secrecy, words/actions don't match, and lack of give and take (taker).
 meowsaidthetigress
Joined: 7/9/2011
Msg: 17
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 4:57:46 AM
Mine are on my profile- they only changed with age and experience as I have continued to evolve and progress forward in life. Sometimes I make unusual exceptions depending on the chemistry when the rare circumstance arise.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 18
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 6:09:54 AM


What deal breakers have you added to you list (or deleted) since your last relationship-or since your first relationship if you're not well versed in the dating world?

I haven't added any.
I did some soul searching and self discovery while hiking in India and took time just for me.
I created a list that everyone so far has lived up to.
Thereby I never have to really date, actually interact, learn to communicate, I can just stick some judgment on them, reject them, dismiss them, and they get the responsibility...it's their fault for not being good enough to get past my list.
So I am happy with myself that I have been so fortunate to exclude all those bad people.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 19
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 6:18:40 AM
do i really need dealbreakers? why can't i just have a normal guy with 3-digit IQ?
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 20
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 7:20:49 AM
A guy whose purpose in dating is looking for red flags!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 7:41:05 AM
Too many "Girl's night outs". My ex started going out a lot without me, claiming it was a girl's night out-getting together with co-workers and friends for dinner, drinks, going to a female friend's house for girl talk, etc. It didn't phase me or bother me at the time and thought nothing of it. But I found out after she moved out without warning, she moved in with another guy. So I'm assuming at a lot of the girl's night outs were actually dates with the guy she eventually moved in with. I guess she learned that trick from her best friend, who did the exact same thing a couple of years earlier.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 22
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 10:31:09 AM
I have added "if you need viagra, but then b*tch about the headache for 3 days afterward" it's truly not worth my time to have sex with you ...
 musical_turtle
Joined: 3/11/2011
Msg: 23
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 11:41:17 AM
deal breakers for me...
if a guy has kids, divorced, or doesn't have a good relationship with his mom.
There's nothing wrong if a guy has kids or is divorced...
but since I don't have that, I prefer to find someone that doesn't either.
I think how a guy treats his mom is a good indicator on how he'll treat his girlfriend or wife.
 Villies
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 24
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 4:17:55 PM
Yeah definitely.

I look at it from the reversed side. I don't make myself a list of dealbreakers on the negative side, because that's kind of critical. There are things I consider dealbreakers, but the other person may have tremendous qualities in other departments (personality, life, etc.) and it might become OK.

I think its important to operate with a positive list, because you mustn't use that negative list as a set of reactive triggers. People are different, one bad quality in one person will never be the identical same quality in another.

Hope that helps!

- Alex
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 25
Deal breakers-Then and Now
Posted: 10/10/2011 6:44:16 PM

I think how a guy treats his mom is a good indicator on how he'll treat his girlfriend or wife.


Soooo if my mom was Casey Anthony...? (using a recent example to stress the point)

Only reason my mom didn't kill any of her kids was there was no money in it for her

Worst thing in the world for women to do... assume because a guy doesn't have a good relationship with his mom that somehow HE is a bad guy.

PS: Haven't talked to my mom in almost 15 years... next time I do will be to piss on her grave. (Thats the short story, you probably don't want to hear the long story) ok so maybe pissin on her grave won't be the nicest thing to do... its the thought that counts.

^^^RED FLAG, I must be an ass lol
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