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 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 2
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f-buddies vs serious relationshipPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
i think most on here will tell you to get out of it. but, in the body of your note you say she says she is not certain about whether the two of you can make it as a couple. she did not say no. she expressed uncertainty. so, if you like her, maybe you should give it some time. maybe she will become more certain one way or another.

give it some time. not forever, but pick something reasonable and check in with yourself and see how things are at that point.

unless you are totally miserable. it sounds like the two of you have something good going on and hints of a future. some people are not patient, some are. for me, if i was enjoying what we had going on, i would try to go with the flow until i knew that i was ready to hang it up.
love and commitment take time. we tend to everything our way, just the way we want it, at the exact time we want it. but that doesn't mean it won't become more.

or not. weigh it all out. then decide,
kaylee
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 4
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 1:47:32 PM
Leave as is,
Or leave.

Just be sure insecurities are not driving your angst.
Is she atleast exclusive with you?

If so,
Is she is taking her time?
Are making time till better comes along?

you should ask.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 5
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 1:49:01 PM
I think you have problems from the get go if you consider your relationship to be nothing more than "f-buddies" if it's not labelled anything else. Go for building the relationship, rather than labelling it in the cart before the horse manner in which you appear to be doing.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 7
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:09:31 PM
If you're not getting what you want out of the situation, then leave the situation. But be sure to be clear to your "f-buddy" as to why. Perhaps, this show of will on your part to turn down the "nookie" will tangibly demonstrate your seriousness to want to make the relationship more and will be the stimulus needed on her part to take it more seriously with you.

If it doesn't then at least your wishes will be respected and your self-respect intact. Seriously, if this is not the relationship you want than it is up to you to change that. You shouldn't let your desires be put in bay based on the dictates of others. A true relationship is about compromise and each party's feelings being respected.

I would add this to the mix though. Think real hard as to why you are pressing hard for this to be more then what it is while she is not.

Is her reluctance based on a more realistic view of what you guys are to each other?

Are you pressing for more because you really feel there is something more meaningful that should be happening with you guys or is this your ego pushing you to want more because you have been told that you couldn't?

Be honest with yourself 1st, so you can be honest with her and see if there really is a future out of the bedroom.

Good luck.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 9
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:11:05 PM
If you have told her how you feel and that it hurts to be able to be with her and yet not be with her...then you have to realize...she is using you for sex with your permission... You want more and she wants less...so it doesn't matter her reasons if you have been honest and upfront about yours and she isn't interested for any reason...then walk away...or let yourself continue to be used.

I strongly believe there is no such thing as NSA sex...someone always gets hurt.
 Papinoir
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 10
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:13:45 PM
I also agree with the labeling of "f-buddy" as being kind of crass.
In similar situations, I have found euphemisms/terms of endearments such as "lady-friend" or "lover" convey the same meaning and sound a tad bit classier.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:19:56 PM
Yes, F-Buddy is really crass, do you speak that way to her? Or maybe she speaks that way too. I would not take a man seriously if he said he wanted something more serious but who spoke that way about our relationship.

You still haven't said how long this has been going on, that would make a big difference. If it's not been that long then maybe she's taking her time, if you've been doing this for years, then she really doesn't seem to want more. What you do is up to you.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 12
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:26:02 PM

I've tried , a few times, to break it off with her but we always end up missing eachother after a week or two and it's back to the same problem


You frame your 'getting back together' in such a negative way. Do you keep harping on what you perceive as the problems in your differing pace in the relationship? As if she should be where you are, rather than where she IS?

Do you not have fun when you come back together? That's a sure way for her to decide you can't pull it off. Accept the status quo and maybe even 'woo' the woman. Much better than pestering her about the direction your 'coming together is going'.

Lots of women at that age are on the cusp of deciding 'when/if/who/why / they would want to decide on a particular man.

If you DO want to be that particular man, hang in there. Only you know if she's worth more of your time.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 14
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:38:12 PM
Stop calling her FB unless she addresses you that same way and she has no feels for but just sex, then it is what is it. But if it's going to be more than that and you're willing to escalate from the fwb level don't call fb anymore.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 15
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:43:58 PM
Never ever see someone "hoping" things will change

Either accept they fact the "may" not and choose to do it anyway, or grow a pair. End it and find someone with a similar set of wants as you

Although it cant be ruled out that at "some" point she could change her mind, continuing with the hope or expectation she might, or because she might is still entirely the wrong reasoning

And you could actually find that your frustration at her "reluctance to "come around" will eventually end up finishing it irrevocably

Whereas had you been able to completely put those wants aside and entered into it with at least a reasonable mind set instead you might still have been getting on when/if she did change her mind or started to want different things from life

I think its a bit like the cliche about holding a rose too tightly and crushing it as a result

But rather than being something like love or a relationship in the normal sense here, the "rose" would be the existing no expectations, nor strings relationship that would be crushed by the atmosphere created by you continuing it for the wrong reasons and with the wrong mindset, outlook and expectations if that makes sense
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 16
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:44:07 PM
Eegads...you've only been together for 4 months and during that 12 week period you've not seen each other here and there for a week or two at a time but always get back together? You haven't even been together long enough to get to know each other well at that rate. There's every chance that she feels like you're being a bit clingy at this stage and I wouldn't blame her. I'm with her...cool your jets a bit.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 17
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 2:46:01 PM
Instead of breaking it off with her, go on dates and look for someone who is more interested in a relationship. When you find someone you want to meet, break it off with the fb. I'd bet that if you were really out looking for a relationship, your fb would have second thoughts about keeping things casual. If not, then it's not your problem when you do meet someone else.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 19
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 3:10:29 PM
You are in the "nice guy" zone..... bottom line she thinks she can do better and is keeping options open... you are plan B is all.... she is probably quite cute and she sees you as below her standards... until she finds out the hunky guys are pretty empty in character at this age... great advice above....

Until you grow some b@lls and challenge her by dating others or setting deadlines/ expectations... that you WILL enforce....she will see you as weak and unworthy...

She is looking for a warrior, provider, protector..... so put your man suit on and do what you do...
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 20
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 3:18:18 PM

Instead of breaking it off with her, go on dates and look for someone who is more interested in a relationship. When you find someone you want to meet, break it off with the fb


Sounds good in theory but I think in this situation it wouldn't really pan out since he is harboring feelings beyond FWB. In my experience people can't successfully undo those feelings to realign themselves emotionally for a FWB.

I think he should end things completely and find someone interested in a LTR.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 22
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 4:02:50 PM
OP, what would you say to someone if they said,
"I'm doing the same thing over and over again with the same results (that I'm not happy with) contiually occuring."
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 5:42:28 PM
A woman that DOESN'T WANT to COMMIT????? OMG,,,say it isn't so????? The horror!!! I thought it was us men that never wanted commitment?????? WTF????

If you want commitment OP, and she doesn't, I'm pretty sure you two have a problem. And yeah, you miss each other when "apart", but really, you two are just missing not being alone, and the exchanging of body fluids. It ain't rocket science.

Enjoy, or not. Shiat or get off the pot, as they say.


She doesnt want to commit saying that she's not certain that we can pull it off as a couple.


Before ya walk from her, ask her what in this world is "certain" other than the sun rising and falling everyday????? Are ya sure she is 32??????
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 25
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/14/2011 5:43:05 PM
Serious f buddies sounds ok

 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 27
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 10/15/2011 1:38:49 AM

not sure really as to what to do with this situation. i'd wish it was less complicated, but it's hard not to be around her living so close to me.


It's not complex at all.


i've been seeing my neighbor. it seemed like nothing serious at first, but then i developed feeling for her. as soon as she sensed that, it was over betweeen her and i.


You developed feelings beyond the FWB she was interested in and called it quits when she realized you two were not on the same page.

So unless you can emotionally backtrack you are not going to get anywhere with her. She doesn't want anything serious with you, maybe not with any guy ATM.
 SireKane
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 29
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f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/12/2012 3:32:41 PM
Despite the break up and make ups she still does not want to be in a serious relationship with you. You know what you need to do, you need to move on and don't look back.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 30
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:13:34 AM
it's getting pretty boring around here when people dig up OLD threads..................
 Greatcatch12345
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 31
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:18:01 AM
keep banging her till you find someone else...but go looking for the type of person ur looking for...then leave for good. its always easier to find another job when you already have a job...:-) lol
 long2b
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 32
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/16/2012 4:20:52 PM
GET OUT..... GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN,,,,
 Kings_Knight
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 33
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/19/2012 6:39:37 AM
Perception. Is. Reality.

If this affair began as 'F-buddies', the mindset determining overall perception of the relationship and what both of you want it to be has been in place from the start. Now you want more and she's not on board with 'more'. Have you considered she may still be stuck at 'F-buddies' ... ? That may be the only status she ever assigns to you. To get what you say you want now, you may need to start with a 'tabula rasa' in the form of another person who has NOT been told that their role in your life is just a 'F-buddy'. Once perceptions are set, it's very difficult to change them. The first thing taught in Public Relations 101 is that the best one can hope to accomplish is to move the other party from 'negative' to 'neutral' - it's a virtual certainty you won't ever get them from 'negative' to 'positive'. 'Neutral' isn't very firm ground if it's a relationship beyond 'F-buddy' that you'd be wanting now.
 Eagle Fish
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 34
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/19/2012 1:51:18 PM

OP: f-buddies vs serious relationship
I'm 43, she's 32...I like her very much and I think she does like me too. The problem is that I want more than just a casual thing between us. She doesnt want to commit saying that she's not certain that we can pull it off as a couple. ….Should I just keep seeing her in hope things will change on my favor or just call it a day and leave for good?


She told you what her answer is bud… You’re old enough by now to get the program… She is using you for your tool. Last time I checked you’re both adults… Why don’t you act it? If you don’t like the situation - Leave. What are you thinking with? Oh yeah, sex is good…. You answered it.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 35
f-buddies vs serious relationship
Posted: 1/8/2016 7:23:50 PM
mikewm- (post #19) Hey-op...........Write what mike here says down, print it out, what ever, this is SPOT on and the best advice so far.
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