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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Did I just "friend zone" myself...twice?      Home login  
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 jdykstra11
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 1
Did I just "friend zone" myself...twice?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Sorry, this is a little long, I needed a vent...Maybe I'm completely oblivious to the signs, or perhaps it's just wishful thinking, but there have been two instances in the last week where I've been left wondering if a girl thinks I'm just a good friend, or if she's begging me to make a move.

So, girl number one. I've known her for about 2 years now, we were introduced through a mutual friend. The only time we see each other is when we're hanging out in a group setting. I sometimes pay for her meals because she "forgets" to bring money, but that's as close as it comes to a date. I find her fairly attractive, and she has an amazing personality, so I could see myself dating her. My friends say we'd make a good couple.

This is where it gets confusing...for me anyway. We text each other almost daily, and she's very flirty, so of course I flirt back. Over the past few weeks she's really ramped it up, asking me to use my imagination to picture her in a sexy Halloween costume and stuff like that. I'm starting to think maybe we can be more than friends. Well last week was a really rough week for her, so she called me up and revealed a side of her that I've never seen before. She told me a lot of personal things about herself and ended up sobbing. For 45 minutes I stumbled my way through it the best I could, and she ended the conversation by saying "you're such a good guy, thanks for being a great friend"....Where do I stand with this chick?

Now on to girl number two! A couple months ago she was hired on where I work. We spend six hours a day working side by side, and she is absolutely beautiful. She also has a boyfriend. We text once in a while, and have talked on the phone outside of work a few times too. Last night she called me at midnight (she knew I was sleeping, I gotta be to work by 3am) and asked what I was doing because she was bored just sitting at home. She then started crying and telling me about how her boyfriend is a jerk and that she's scared and blah blah blah...she ended it by saying "Thanks, you're a great guy, I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend. I'll call you in a little bit after I talk things over with my boyfriend". I never got a call back (which is fine by me, I just wanted to sleep!).

So what do you think, I'm I just that un-datable guy friend?....Ha, gotta love these crazy women and their stupid mind games
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 2
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:15:25 AM

Ha, gotta love these crazy women and their stupid mind games


Like men don't do the same thing,,,,,,,,,,,,with an attitude like that, you'll always be just a friend to any woman.

Being as BOTH of these women have boyfriends, they are off limits.
Unless you want to be a rebound, I'd steer clear of having a relationship
with either one of them.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 3
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:27:53 AM

I find her fairly attractive, and she has an amazing personality, so I could see myself dating her.

Then why didn't you simply just ask her out on a date!

All those times of seeing her in group settings and thinking "amazing personality" and whatever else you thought, you should have just stopped "seeing" a date in your mind and made steps to try to do it!

Even now... you STILL could just call her up and ask her out on a date.

But you aren't. You're just sitting there thinking "well I won't make it" with the excuse of "I THINK she sees me only as a friend".

Girl # 2. Forget it. She's got a boyfriend. Unless you WANT to be phoned as a sounding board use your caller ID and don't answer any other late night calls from her.
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 4
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 9:43:43 AM
She also has a boyfriend.




When women realize they don't want to keep dating a guy, they don't call and break up... they go looking at other options and when they find a great guy... THEN they break up with their bf and start calling the new guy. Girls don't have "rebounds" thats a guy thing lol

I used to stay away from girls with bf's... I'm learning to not care if they have one lol

I was told once by a girl, "if you like a girl... go steal her from her bf."

Soo... stop caring if they have a bf. If you like a girl, ask her out. But don't have sex until you know she's left her last bf and he knows she's dating you. That avoids her cheating on her last bf when she started dating you.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 5
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:02:26 AM
Dude, both times you are a buddy, you have been relegated to the friendship zone, when a woman tells you " you are such a good guy" that means you're a nice guy, a nice guy she's not romantically attracted to, she might wish she was but she isn't. You are there to boost their ego's nothing more nothing less.

The other one has a boyfriend and you are a co worker she can vent to, because her female friends has given her the gears about the loser boyfriend where as you are the sounding board, You will listen and not make judgements

Its a lose lose situation pal.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 6
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Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:12:01 AM
It depends on the woman

As much as an endless procession of wanna be psuedo psychobabblists will claim one thing or another describes "all" members of a gender its just not the case

The only way to know for sure is to actually broach the subject with one or both of them and see how they respond

Many "people" not JUST women will linger in less than perfect relationships with someone waiting for a "lifeboat" to come along as theres a lot of people who just arent comfortable being on their own

Also, many women dont even believe men "can" be actual friends, so would never ever share anything personal or that makes them seem vulnerable with a man. And infact do that not as a sign of "friendship" but because society tells them men are attracted to female vulnerability

Then theres women who actually need to build a friendship with a man before anything else could happen anyway, so you kind of HAVE to get into the friendzone with those before you have any chance of cramming her cod cave with your jellied eel

And thats just a few of what some would call "exceptions" I can be bothered to think of while the kettle is boiling

The variations and connotations are as diverse as people are numerous. And no amount of postulated "everyone in this entire gender thinks exactly this way" type of bullshit is going to absolutely 100% apply to a specific individual
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 7
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Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:31:53 AM
At least you are not a lost cause and you can see you have been friend zoned. If you don't want to be, sometimes being upfront honest works, but there are downsides to that honesty (eg friendship may end). Only you can determine if the risk is worth the reward IMVHO.
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:36:26 AM
you have only yourself to blame for 'mind game' troubles. you're settling for crumbs, kissing up and letting these women walk all over you.

to chick no. 1, you're a loyal subordinate. she can extract pseudo intimacy from you while having to commit nothing in return. you pick up her checks and let her use you emotionally for support and ego reinforcement.

girl no. 2 dangles you pretty much on the same string, only instead of plundering your wallet, she plunders your rest time - and leaves you wanting more of it. in all probability, she didn't call you back because she was having makeup sex with the boyfriend, whose relationship maintenance heavy lifting you had just done for him.

if i were you, i would treat girl no. 2 strictly as a co-worker. no interaction off company time. girl no. 1 is no one you should want to be dating, IMO, but if you're bound and determined, ask her out. don't be surprised if she says yes, than cancels on the day of the date. if that happens, you never contact her again. what would the point be?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 9
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Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:37:43 AM
The first girl you need to ask out on a date, not hang out with others or being her bank, ask her out on a date. If she says no or we are just friends, etc., you know for sure. Stop paying for her meals, see how she acts. If you are in a friend zone you put yourself there, what are you waiting for? If you want to date someone you have to go on a date with them.

Girl number two, forget her and expect her boyfriend to show up one day to find out why you are chasing his girlfriend, because that's what she's going to tell him. And who wants a rude person who would call you in the middle of your sleep just to whine and get some ego bolstering because her boyfriend is a meanie. She needs to lose your number before you are her bank in a much bigger way than a few meals. This girl is trouble.

Nobody is an un-datable guy friend unless he wants to be. Speak up, and date those you want to date. But who would want to date some psycho with boyfriend problems who has no care for how or when she disturbs you?
 good_dreams
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 10
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 10:39:20 AM

I've been left wondering if a girl thinks I'm just a good friend, or if she's begging me to make a move ........Ha, gotta love these crazy women and their stupid mind games


What would be great is if those two women could come to realize that you think they are crazy and stupid, then you wouldn't have to worry about it.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 11
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Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 11:16:26 AM

Girls don't have "rebounds" thats a guy thing lol


That's not at all true.


I used to stay away from girls with bf's... I'm learning to not care if they have one lol

I was told once by a girl, "if you like a girl... go steal her from her bf."

Soo... stop caring if they have a bf.

Must have been one hell of an influential girl. 3rd grade, 4th grade?

You realize if you 'steal' the girlfriend all sense of loyalty is thrown out of the relationship and she will likely get stolen by another guy. You are not winning with this approach.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 12
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 12:30:02 PM
with female #1 as soon as she said " good friend " you're already friend zone

female #2. She's taken, end of discussion. Find you're own female.

To go beyond friendzone is to ask her out on a date. But first if you're with her in person read her body language out first and follow up on her vibes and act according. If you see signs of disinterest like she doesn't care about what you have to say, doesn't even give you her e-mail or phone number, or she's not even giving you eye contact. She's not interested. However if she is flirting with you, gives you her number. You better damn well do something about it.
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 13
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 4:12:27 PM

When women realize they don't want to keep dating a guy, they don't call and break up... they go looking at other options and when they find a great guy... THEN they break up with their bf and start calling the new guy. Girls don't have "rebounds" thats a guy thing lol


Maybe I'm really a guy then.
Had tons of rebounds ...
In fact, I may be a rebound addict ...
Guess I'd better have my chromosomes checked to make sure there wasn't a mistake



I used to stay away from girls with bf's... I'm learning to not care if they have one lol

I was told once by a girl, "if you like a girl... go steal her from her bf."

Soo... stop caring if they have a bf. If you like a girl, ask her out. But don't have sex until you know she's left her last bf and he knows she's dating you. That avoids her cheating on her last bf when she started dating you


Wow ... that's a great idea. Go after some chick who has a boyfriend.
Not only do you get to disrespect the boyfriend
But if she goes for you, then you know she's the type who will do this sort of thing
But be careful what you wish for
Cause somewhere down the road, you may get a call from her
Saying its time for her to hit the road
Then two days later, you see her with some new guy
A guy who decided that it's okay to steal another man's girlfriend
I'm sure you'll take comfort in the fact
That it's not cheating or anything
Just because she dumped you for him
 jdykstra11
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 14
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 7:47:20 PM
So here's a couple updates...

Girl one- I should point out that I'm not really physically attracted to this girl, but we get along amazingly well. (yeah you can call me shallow, whatever). She texted me today and said that I should send her flowers because apparently it's sweetest day (Who knew?). She's at school 100 miles away, so that wasn't going to happen, but I did send her a picture of a box of flour. The rest of the conversation went something like this...bare with me, I know it's probably not near as interesting to you as it is to me.

Me-what's in it for me if I drive up to see you?

Her-you get to bask in my presence

Me-Well I'm at Bdubs watching the game, so right now your presence isn't all that perswading

Her-bite me

Me-I'm already biting some chicken wings, so you'll have to wait your turn

Her-I'm a very impatient girl

Me-You're also kind of ornery

Her-I'm feisty

Me-Is that what they're calling it these days?

Her- I'm mean to you...but feisty and flirty to everyone else

Me- Ha! I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. You're also a bad liar!

Her- Bad liar about what?

I kinda stuck my foot in my mouth with that one. She's trying to get me to say that I like her, so I just BS'd my way out of the corner. Am I reading into something that's not there? I also feel like I'm leading her on a little bit...what do you think?

Girl number 2-I worked with her tonight. The reason I never got a call back was because her boyfriend came back to her after she told him "If you don't come see me, don't bother calling me anymore". To me it seems pretty obvious that he doesn't want to be around her, he just wants her for sex. She kept saying stuff like "he doesn't laugh at my jokes like you do" or "he doesn't listen to me like you do". The power went out halfway through work, and she instantly grabbed my hand when the lights cut off, and refused to let go until the lights were back on. She also stuck around until I finished up with my job, and we walked to our cars together.

I've met her boyfriend a few times, and while he seems like a nice enough guy, just listening to the way he talks about her I don't think he's into her as much as she's into him. And if he does get all mad at me, no big deal, I could take him. He's even scrawnier than I am! Haha
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 15
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:19:46 PM
dude at least wait till she breaks up with the guy before you move in on her. Keep it in your pants.

Fire meet gas
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 16
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:25:49 PM
the 1st girl maybe she likes you or maybe she just sees you as a friend. could either be the two. man up!

2nd girl am VERY sure she just sees you as a friend. she friend zoned you.
 jdykstra11
Joined: 7/20/2011
Msg: 17
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:26:15 PM

dude at least wait till she breaks up with the guy before you move in on her. Keep it in your pants.

Fire meet gas


Well yeah, I'm not a complete jerk. This one's in her hands now.
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 18
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:32:10 PM

So here's a couple updates...

Girl one- I should point out that I'm not really physically attracted to this girl, but we get along amazingly well. (yeah you can call me shallow, whatever). She texted me today and said that I should send her flowers because apparently it's sweetest day (Who knew?). She's at school 100 miles away, so that wasn't going to happen, but I did send her a picture of a box of flour. The rest of the conversation went something like this...bare with me, I know it's probably not near as interesting to you as it is to me.

Me-what's in it for me if I drive up to see you?

Her-you get to bask in my presence

Me-Well I'm at Bdubs watching the game, so right now your presence isn't all that perswading

Her-bite me

Me-I'm already biting some chicken wings, so you'll have to wait your turn

Her-I'm a very impatient girl

Me-You're also kind of ornery

Her-I'm feisty

Me-Is that what they're calling it these days?

Her- I'm mean to you...but feisty and flirty to everyone else

Me- Ha! I'm pretty sure it's the other way around. You're also a bad liar!

Her- Bad liar about what?

I kinda stuck my foot in my mouth with that one. She's trying to get me to say that I like her, so I just BS'd my way out of the corner. Am I reading into something that's not there? I also feel like I'm leading her on a little bit...what do you think?

Girl number 2-I worked with her tonight. The reason I never got a call back was because her boyfriend came back to her after she told him "If you don't come see me, don't bother calling me anymore". To me it seems pretty obvious that he doesn't want to be around her, he just wants her for sex. She kept saying stuff like "he doesn't laugh at my jokes like you do" or "he doesn't listen to me like you do". The power went out halfway through work, and she instantly grabbed my hand when the lights cut off, and refused to let go until the lights were back on. She also stuck around until I finished up with my job, and we walked to our cars together.

I've met her boyfriend a few times, and while he seems like a nice enough guy, just listening to the way he talks about her I don't think he's into her as much as she's into him. And if he does get all mad at me, no big deal, I could take him. He's even scrawnier than I am! Haha


oh, now that you got into details. am pretty sure you are NOT in the friend zone. they will surely be attracted to you. just man up more and up your level and they be chasing you like a horn dog for sure.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 19
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Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:35:09 PM
Girl # 1 has all but hit you over the head with an obvious stick......
your own damn fault for being clueless.......not hers.

Girl #2.......doesn't matter......she's a co-employee and off limits.....
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 20
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/15/2011 8:41:49 PM
SMH...what makes u think that because YOU like them or are being flirty...they are really into you?? By what little you have written..sounds like you're a really "there" kinda guy for these ladies...why does it always have to be an opportunity to have them be more than that???But on the off chance it could be that #1 is playing games..
Just let it as that you haven't found the RIGH girl..
 AreaMan63
Joined: 8/30/2011
Msg: 21
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/16/2011 8:54:48 AM
Dude,

If you like a girl, find your balls and make a move. That's the only way anything is EVER going to happen for you. All of this wondering and guessing is a complete waste of time. If you want something to happen in your life, you can't wait for it. Make it happen!
 SSEiGuy
Joined: 8/20/2011
Msg: 22
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/16/2011 11:20:19 AM
You posed an interesting senario with girl #1
you have been out in group setting with her and met through mutual friends. She called you because she knows you and feels you can be trusted with her deep dark secrets. We all know about the dreaded "NICE GUY" there is always a BUT ...
did she use the word BUT after? if not... go for it.
the only thing i would suggest is don't ask her in the same phone call after she spilled her guts out to you.
the other thing... be upfront,, but do it in a way so as to not grenade your friendship with her.


As for girl # 2

My rule that is unbreakable ... NEVER EVER dip your quill in the company ink!
also she has a BF, and sounds like lots of drama.... RUN AWAY!
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 23
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/16/2011 1:35:59 PM
One is miles away and two is at work. Why are you even asking about them? If one were close by and you interested you should stop playing word games and get physical if that's what you want. You need to be alone together and within one foot of each other and shut up and let nature take it's course. I think you talk too much.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 24
Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/16/2011 4:16:39 PM

Where do I stand with this chick?

At the top of her list...as long as you don't really do anything like try to kiss, touch, makeout with, have sex, ask to date, try to change the relationship in any way, unless she wants you to for a short bit because she's lonely and it would be really easy, and you are just fine with (and she knows it) you changing back to best buds and giving her exactly what she needs when she needs it.

Basically, you are just like her forum. When she needs a vent, she can come to you, ejaculate all her shit and needs onto you to get them met.
But if you try anything that would be the equivalent of the forum users spamming your email with questions and wants and asking for advice, at all hours of the day, and expecting instant responses.

So basically, as long as you remain in a safe, controlled, space, available for her, but not requiring anything from her, or making her feel like she's using you, you're golden.


I'm I just that un-datable guy friend?.

No. You just give out door mat signals, and then probably try to work slowly into their pants using all that you give as a justification to try and feel justified in calling them crazy or other negative judgments if they don't give you what you want since you already paid them with what you think they want.

It's just your indirect probably passive aggressive approach to dating, and women are taking advantage of it.
Any method you try will have positive and negative results.
Your chosen method has this as a negative result.
 Happysmile72
Joined: 12/21/2010
Msg: 25
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Did I just friend zone myself...twice?
Posted: 10/16/2011 8:32:46 PM
yeah..girl 2 RUN RUN RUN....
girl 1...the trust thing is kinda borderline friend zone..dont be too sympathetic but ask her what is her plan to solve her issue...or just listen...ixnay on the advice nay..if women want advice they'll ask other women. most times
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