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 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 1
Need InsightPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hello-

I need a little input and insight into what I’m going through and hope the POF community can help give me outside insight. I dated a guy I met here for 2 years, we lived together for a year and things feel apart. I moved out and we have been apart and living separately and have not been together for three months. He is bi-polar and has many issues he refuses to address. My question is, we had lunch yesterday, I wanted to give him a birthday card and asked him not to contact me for a few months so I can heal and look inside myself for a while and discover what I want and where I want to be. He told me he still loves me (he broke up with me), he had visible goose bumps and even said so when I touched him (a hug and a little cuddle). He told me he was proud of how I’m moving on and I seem happy. He also said that he wants me to date other people for a bit and then he wants me to come back to him. I do not understand this comment. Help!!
 flittery1
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 2
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 7:55:00 AM
Sounds as though he perhaps needs time to work on HIM, but doesn't want you lingering on while he does it. I commend him if this is the case, as he obviously has feelings for you. He may be thinking if he can get himself straight, he'd then like to resume your relationship.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 3
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 8:09:12 AM
He read that in a Cosmo magazine article or a "How to Win Over Women" book. No guy will say to a woman they want to get back with "Go date other guys before we get back together". Maybe he has other women lined up to date as well, and said it, so that you can't use the "you cheated on me while we were apart" line.
 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 4
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 8:19:18 AM
He is dating other people, and I'm okay with that. We are not currently together, so I do not have a issue with him dating others people.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 5
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 8:24:44 AM
He told me he was proud of how I’m moving on and I seem happy. He also said that he wants me to date other people for a bit and then he wants me to come back to him. I do not understand this comment. Help!!

If he's truly bipolar and has issues he needs to address, why would you think you would understand that comment? When someone with mental disorder makes a comment that I consider strange, my first thought is NOT, why I don't think it makes sense. I might be more worried if it did make sense.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 6
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 8:26:14 AM
The question is "What do you want for yourself? Do you want to move on without him or do you want to come back to him?" Because if you say you are moving on already then what HE wants is not important at this point.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 8:40:06 AM
He broke up with you because he met someone else while you weren’t looking. It didn’t work out, so he came back to you, and to make his conscious clear, he’s asking you to do the same thing, and he’s hoping that whoever you meet it won’t work out just like it did for him, so in the end you’ll come back to him, and his conscious is clear, and he’s hoping you two will live happily ever after.
He’s a nut case, get rid of him!
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 8
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:19:40 AM

asked him not to contact me for a few months so I can heal and look inside myself for a while and discover what I want and where I want to be.


Johnny beat me to it. Your lunch was ridiculous. You haven't seen this guy for months, but you invite him to lunch just to tell him to piss off again?

WTF is your problem? Maybe YOU are the one who's bipolar...???
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 9
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:21:43 AM
Hmmmm, interesting answers, don't agree with most, but hey, that's what makes a horse race!

"He is bi-polar and has many issues he refuses to address."

Now this is the crux of the matter. bipolar can be controlled with meds, IF the case is not so severe, and if the person TAKES the meds. Problem here is, most begin to act and feel normally, then drop the meds, throwing them back into the hi and low mood swings.

As for the other stuff, who cares? You still have some feelings for him, so what? The key issue still exists, the thing that brought this to a head will resurface and drive a bigger wedge between you 2 quicker each time you get back together.

People CAN change, the question is will they? It takes boat loads of work to change a person, never mind one with a core issue such as this. It's no different than the person who makes a new year's resolution. Sounds great new year's eve, the problem is every day is NOT new year's eve, so they backslide most times, the only question is how fast a day, or a week.

I firmly believe that you should move on, unless your both able to work on your issues, nothing will change between you. Then you will reach the end game that much faster should you get back together.
 FlamingoKisses
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 10
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:22:38 AM
So you meet the guy for lunch and hand him a card like that? I am thinking YOU might be the one who has bi polar issues as well. Was he diagnosed by a doctor or just by you?

Good Grief.
 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 11
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:46:14 AM
Stange how people can read into things that are not there... FIrst off, we have been in constant contact since the broke up. We have called each other and visted with each other during this time. It wasw not something out of the blue.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:47:21 AM
He sounds like real manipulator.
By all means be friendly to him, but never forget the issues that he refuses to deal with and the problems the relationship had. Do not go back unless he can prove he's changed and that would take years.
 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 13
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:51:48 AM
OyVay - The issues is he needs meds and they are perscribed to him. He does not take them as perscribed, that is the biggest issue, he is on a constant emotional roller coaster. Not a good thing to be a part of and he is not my child so I could not demand that he took his medication properly.

Thank you guys for your insight, I greatly appreciate it. (:
 unspoiled
Joined: 9/25/2011
Msg: 14
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History
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:53:34 AM
Who gives a birthday card at the same time as telling the person not to contact them for a while?

Who is bi-polar here?

If anything from how women typically communicate in opposing meanings to what they want, I suppose they could be considered bi-polar, but perhaps we need to make some better definitions without labeling and just discuss the issue as plainly as possible.

Why even bother continuing as friends?

Am I missing something that is not disclosed?
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 15
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:56:07 AM
"Stange how people can read into things that are not there..."

Well that's on you. People will always assume facts not in evidence, when it's not mentioned. It's your lack of clarity that made people respond as they did.

edit to add: I just saw your answer to me, after I posted. Yes that's what I was saying, they fall off the meds, then all he11 breaks loose, like riding a roller coaster of hi's and lows.

If he won't take them regularly, then you have little choice but to walk away. You can't fix him, only he can fix him. It's not insight you need, it's accepting that you either will live with this or you will not. Since you and he broke up, I doubt he is changing. Ergo you have to move on.

That bit about "dating others and then return to me" sounds like he was on the high end of the roller coaster when he said that. He has grandious thoughts of this will be the perfect relationship "somewhere down the road". Which is not solving the situation, just a nice day dream.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 9:57:16 AM
You broke up, but stayed in constant contact? Why? Then you really didn't break up. YOu really didn't go through the part where you really miss the person, or start to not think about the person.

You are both playing a very destructive game or emotional manipulation. The problem is not only with him, but your because you are allowing it, and continue the contact with this person.

I lived with a bipolar person, and even though their condition can be controlled with meds. Still this individuals go through extreme mood swings, where one day they can careless about you, and the next they are very passionate. Unfortunately for the person who is not a bipolar, WE get addicted to that intensity, thus making it hard to break up those relationships. But because they can't decide, they can't make up their minds, or they may feel one way one day and the next completely different, these type of relationships are very destructive.

My advice is that you need to tell him that is not going to work, and have absolutely no contact with him for at least 3 months. That means, no emails, no facebook, no calls, no texts, NOTHING.
 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 17
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 10:07:08 AM
OutMind -
My advice is that you need to tell him that is not going to work, and have absolutely no contact with him for at least 3 months. That means, no emails, no facebook, no calls, no texts, NOTHING.

That is why we meet Sunday, this is the plan, I wanted to tell him face to face that WE need a break.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 18
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 10:16:12 AM

Stange how people can read into things that are not there... FIrst off, we have been in constant contact since the broke up. We have called each other and visted with each other during this time. It wasw not something out of the blue.

This was my assumption. People who are opposed to remaining friendly post-romantic-relationship will ALWAYS see fault with those of us who opt for a different route. I guess I assumed you were still in contact, because I likely would be, too.

~OP~ His comment? Ignore it. Not all that long ago, I found myself on the receiving end of a comment such as that. Unlike you, my very first thought? "Oh, yeah, I'll date others and come back to you the day after never." I didn't respond to his comment, but I'm fairly certain he knew my response by my silence. I think some people say things such as this to ease their conscience. Maybe not, maybe they actually think we're going to date others and return for some unknown reason, but I doubt that. Then again, if he's bi-polar? He might think in circles and ups/downs all day, every day. Only you can determine if you'd be interest in him down the road. I'd not be, but I'm a "stick a fork in me" type person. When we're done? We move to the friend-zone (if both agree to that) and we move on. I'm not going to return to the scene of the accident (so to speak.) JMO
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 19
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 10:23:32 AM
Not real sure why you need "insight" or "understanding" in what he plans or wishes or thinks, seeing as you have already decided (and told him) NO contact.

WHY do you need insight or understanding?

You tell a man "I don't want any contact" but then go off and ponder.. to the point of asking others.. what his meaning of life or love is?

Let it go.
 Bimbo_In_Limbo
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 20
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 11:13:59 AM

He read that in a Cosmo magazine article or a "How to Win Over Women" book. No guy will say to a woman they want to get back with "Go date other guys before we get back together". Maybe he has other women lined up to date as well, and said it, so that you can't use the "you cheated on me while we were apart" line.


This. I actually had a guy say something similar to me because he "didn't think I knew what I wanted". My response was "I'm 40 yrs old, I've known what I've wanted my whole life. If what YOU want is to see other women, by all means, see other women, but you won't be seeing me!"

OP: Don't fall for his crap.
 attitude17
Joined: 10/8/2011
Msg: 21
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 12:36:39 PM
Its called passive aggressive/manipulation/control. Why would you, an adult woman, need his permission to "move on"...

Do him a favor, don't spend any more "special times" with him..Let go, let him go.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 12:36:45 PM
The big problem is his bipolar disorder, I think. Bipolars who are well managed with medication and follow-up counseling visits do well and can be good in relationships. Bipolars who are NOT managing their disorder well can be lots of fun to be with during their "up" phases but otherwise are emotional and mental time bombs who can create all sorts of problems for themselves and those around them. You may have never seen him at the depths of a "down" phase; if you did, you would quite possibly think he was an entirely different person, and one you did not want to be with under any circumstances.

If I had to guess, he realizes this and is wanting to gain better control over his disorder -- perhaps a different medication or dosage, perhaps more time talking with a pshychologist or psychiatrist, perhaps both. And he may realize that he can't trust his own judgment because of the medical matter; this also holds for "unipolar" depressives, btw.

I think he's doing you a big favor, and you should honor his suggestion that you date other people for awhile. Whether you go back to him at some point depends on how both of you feel, and how much control he has over his bipolar disorder at that time.
 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 23
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 1:04:19 PM
johnnylange---Yes, that is correct.
 moonnstars65
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 24
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 1:09:03 PM
smokincigars - You may have never seen him at the depths of a "down" phase; if you did, you would quite possibly think he was an entirely different person, and one you did not want to be with under any circumstances.

I was a witness and a partner during his "down" phase. He was almost catatonic at times, very sad to witness someone that you love go through this and have no ability to help except to make recommendations that fell on deaf ears.
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 25
Need Insight
Posted: 10/17/2011 2:24:36 PM
I understand your wanting to be kind and polite to him as you ended it and tied up the loose ends. His alluding to a future may have hooked you back in, when really it shouldn’t have. There are many reasons that he might have said what he said, but there is no point in speculating because the result is the same: It is over. That’s a very good decision for your sanity and life. It really isn’t kinder or merciful to either of you to have a sloppy undefined end, or to leave open any doors. He might not be capable of doing things with certainty anyway- so you have to, and have done so. And it was nice of you to do it gently. No more calls.
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