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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Using POF as the easy way out      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 orionids4ever
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 1
Using POF as the easy way outPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have dated a couple of guys on this website and I found it interesting that as soon as there were some bumps in the road the men would immediately put their profile up on POF again instead of trying to work things out, they prefer to go find someone to do the same things with and just repeat things over and over again. The last guy I was with for four months went on POF right after an argument we had. I was actually in the hospital when he put his profile up. The second guy I dated for a couple of weeks, put his profile up again because we hadn't talked for a couple of days.
 xHD1200x
Joined: 11/11/2010
Msg: 2
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 10:40:13 AM
In other words...they may have made the decision to end it before those events. Once it was ended...it's a matter of starting over.

In both cases it doesn't sound like there was an adequate amount of communication for you to have understood and gained closure with those guys. Just know that the "last thing" isn't necessarily "the thing" that caused it to go South
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 3
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 10:45:04 AM
Just guessing that your two examples...the argument maybe being the last straw or excuse...and your two days of no contact were the terminal symptoms of the relationship and not the cause. I don't know because you didn't give a lot of information.

In other words...they may have made the decision to end it before those events. Once it was ended...it's a matter of starting over.

In both cases it doesn't sound like there was an adequate amount of communication for you to have understood and gained closure with those guys. Just know that the "last thing" isn't necessarily "the thing" that caused it to go South.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 4
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 10:49:52 AM
Well, I've never really made it to "relationship" status with anyone on here, but I've heard this from my friends. And while my girlfriends will delete their profiles when a relationship begins, the men will just hide theirs. Obviously, they're just waiting for a bump so they can start the hunt all over again.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 10:57:51 AM

The last guy I was with for four months went on POF right after an argument we had. I was actually in the hospital when he put his profile up.

Soo, you wish there was a rule that people could only go back on POF after getting some permission/permit from their relationship partner or local society?

IF you hadn't heard, finding and maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for most all people..
Since it REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself..

Neither person has the complete power anymore in a modern relationship, it must be based on mutual agreements and compatible behavior.. And you are also free to put up your profile again, as it seems to be..
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 6
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 11:05:26 AM

IF you hadn't heard, finding and maintaining a compatible long-term SO relationship IS
the second greatest challenge in life for most all people..
Since it REQUIRES sharing about 50% power/control with another imperfect human being like yourself..


LOL. Tall, now am really amuse. You always put this up often times in your posts. I know you got a point. It's just funny that you use this all the time.
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 7
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 11:06:41 AM
And for the OP, yeah, some men just hurt us. = (
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 11:15:03 AM
It's 2011, guys don't even pick up the phone to ask a woman out anymore, they text. Common courtesy has flown out the window so don't hold your breath that people are getting better with age.
As they always say here, until you have had the exclusive talk and promise fidelity everyone is a free agent to do as they please.
 orionids4ever
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 9
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 11:25:20 AM
I was in a relationship and I am the one that broke up.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 10
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 11:33:41 AM

I was in a relationship and I am the one that broke up.


So it would make you feel better about them if they pined over their loss and reveled in their pain and suffering for a longer period of time?

Or did you "break up" with them in hopes of changing some behavior and they would come crawling back...begging for another chance...and "be all you want them to be". Hooooraaa
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 11
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 12:26:14 PM
I have dated a couple of guys on this website and I found it interesting that as soon as there were some bumps in the road the men would immediately put their profile up on POF again instead of trying to work things out,

OK, so basically, they decided it was better to get out before they got in too deep. In real life, are less likely to get out of bad relationship because there are fewer options for good ones. Why is one of two different ways of going about dating the wrong way, better than the other? Ideally, when you found the right person, it wouldn't matter how many options you had, since you wouldn't want to exercise them. At least when dating online you aren't settling for someone for lack of others to date. I considerd that a plus, since one of my criteria for deciding if a woman was intelligent, self-confident and decisive was that she knew what she wanted, could recognize it when she found it and not be distracted by too many options. Why date someone who is easily confused?

The last guy I was with for four months went on POF right after an argument we had. I was actually in the hospital when he put his profile up. The second guy I dated for a couple of weeks, put his profile up again because we hadn't talked for a couple of days.

Maybe the problem is you. You didn't describe what happened with the first guy well enought to say much, but the second guy wasn't out of line. If you didn't talk to me for a couple of days, I'd assume you couldn't be that interested in talking to me, whether I met you here or in real life. No one I've ever dated has been that indifferent and the only online relationship I've ever had is the one I'm in with my fiancee. If the second guy you mentioned was a good match, there wouldn't have been any difference of opinion about how often you should be talking to each other. I personally think your objection is more about control. If they guy meant that much to you, why didn't you talk to him as often as he wanted you to talk to him instead of expecting him to adjust his expectations?

I was in a relationship and I am the one that broke up.

So, you're the person you're complaining about? That's a first.
 totalazzhole
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 12
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 12:29:34 PM

And while my girlfriends will delete their profiles when a relationship begins, the men will just hide theirs. Obviously, they're just waiting for a bump so they can start the hunt all over again.


yes...like it's so INCREDIBLY difficult to start a new profile..?

that (Deleting their profile) might stop them..from going on POF again??

not really a huge difference between hiding & deleting in my view..maybe 5-10 minutes of typing for most people?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 1:10:18 PM
I am the one that broke up.


Do you realise that once YOU break up with someone you technically lose the right to try and control their actions anymore?
 Butterfly~Effect
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 14
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 1:17:33 PM
Actually, I agree with the OP..it's something I've noticed also and have found amusing.

I can't say it's happened to me because I haven't dated anyone from here or anywhere in a very long while but it is something I've noticed on places such as FB. I've seen statuses from men stating they are single....(usually followed by a huge rant berating women in general) , then the next day, I'll find a message in my inbox asking me out .

I've friends tell me that they have broken up with someone...or have had an arguement with someone...only for me to see the guy on here the next day.

I'm sure it happens with women also doing the same to men also... I'm not picking on just the men...
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 15
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 3:38:06 PM
We're guys.
When a girl breaks up with us.....
we move on.
We put our profile back up and find a new girl who is less drama.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 16
view profile
History
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:03:47 PM
Makes perfect sense to me, it's dating, you find out you don't like someone then you stop dating them. What doesn't make sense is to keep working out incompatible relationships until it gets to a messy place and then harm others or worse, get married and bring kids into a mess. No, it's the smart person who knows themself well enough to know when they don't want to pursue someone any longer. So someone talked to you or dated you for a couple of weeks and found they weren't interested in you, what part don't you get? It really doesn't matter why someone is not interested in you anymore, it only matters that they aren't interested. Learn to not invest into something too quickly, you don't even know these guys well enough to bother caring. They lost interest, good enough reason.

To me, if they took down their profile after knowing me for only a few weeks, I'm be wondering about them. That's too fast, no reason for it, I'm not looking for people who make instant relationships out of thin air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good grief, men don't just hurt us, there are two people involved, when you become nothing more than floating fluff waiting for some man to validate you, then yeah, every guy who pays attention to you, you will latch onto and then feel hurt when your imaginary relationship doesn't build to anything, but he didn't hurt you. You set yourself up for that by only feeling validated when a man wants you.
 HappyDip
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 17
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:31:43 PM

Using POF as the easy way out

I know.
Either on the dating side or the forum side.
People generally post their relationship problems because it's easier than bringing it up with the other person, or because they need to vent and have things handed to them rather than work on themselves and figure things out in a way that works for them.
It's easier to pretend like you are part of a group and belong and contributing to something here, than actually find and maintain a real IRL relationship.

POF is the easy way out no matter what side you use.
 Tim0066
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 18
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:35:24 PM

I have dated a couple of guys on this website and I found it interesting that as soon as there were some bumps in the road the men would immediately put their profile up on POF again instead of trying to work things out, they prefer to go find someone to do the same things with and just repeat things over and over again.


Define "Bumps in the road"

Did you flip out scream and yell lol... Were you running kittens over with a lawn mower? Have too many boxes of rat poison next to the cooking spices? SnM torture chamber in your basement?

Bumps in the road doesn't say much, or really can hide a lot. You're not going to admit to doing anything wrong, most people won't. Maybe they just didn't want to date you again.

What? You never went out with a guy a few times and knew he wasn't for you?

Gets confusing when men don't follow the stereotype of "he just wants sex" and strings you along for more until a new girl comes along.


The last guy I was with for four months went on POF right after an argument we had. I was actually in the hospital when he put his profile up.


"Argument" is what people on here call a "red flag"

Can't blame him, if I just met a girl on here and she started yelling at me in the first couple months I'd stop dating her too. Where's the maturity in arguing with someone you say you like?

Ok, I know its personal but... since you're throwing it out there... why were you in hospital? Psych ward? Cronic Illness/injuries? Is this a regular thing? You always hurting yourself?

Could be a variety of reasons why a guy would dump you when you're in hospital.


The second guy I dated for a couple of weeks, put his profile up again because we hadn't talked for a couple of days.


Ok did he start ignoring your calls? Ummm maybe he doesn't want to date you again. Whats so confusing?

In all this doesn't sound much different then 90% of people who date... are you new to this or somethin?

Could be you just pick the wrong guys or could be that the guys you pick don't want to date you, why hold a grudge or try to find a fault in them. There are plenty of guys who want to date you but you don't want to date them... does that mean there's something wrong with those guys? No, it just means you're not mutualy interested, simple as that.

We're not all for each other, there's no reason to act or treat someone who doesn't want to date you any different then you would your average friend. Nor should you find fault in them or try to insinuate they are a bad person in any way.

If someone doesn't show interest in dating you, let it go, move on... most of all, be nice about it... you're next potential bf/gf just might be watching how you react to break ups or rejections, it says a lot about a person. (especially if you're going to post in forums on the same website as you're trying to date men from who can btw... read! lol)

As for putting profile back up on pof... I'm lost as to why you have a problem with it, its their personal business not yours if you're not their gf. If you have an issue with it, then next time a guy does it, delete his number and don't answer his calls and stop dating him... simple. What part is hard to figure out?
 cin____dy
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 19
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:39:05 PM
I would say that is " the dating" game. A few years ago I kind of felt hurt when such a thing happened, but learned when the guy I was dating found someone he really saw a future with he was OFF ALL sights immediately. I realized we were just not right for each other or it would have been the same with me. Not that he was a bad person we had not monogomous dating relationship, we all want to think someone thinks we are the "one" even if we aren't. Just our egos I think. So be realistic when dating.

The story is : if he is on here often or off quickly after a problem--He is still looking and "not that in to you".

When you meet someone that makes fireworks you will know it and he won't be on a dating sight and there will not be any question about how he feels. So until then just expect if you are dating and not serious yet, it's all up for grabs.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 20
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:49:09 PM
OP: It is the same ole story and it boils down to everyone wants to trade up. Just like cars, they want a newer model, with less miles, bigger motor, better gas mileage and better looking.

I have noticed people will meet a person, just like they are looking for, or so they list on their profile. The next thing you know they have moved on to the better model....never satisfied !!
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:53:00 PM

I have dated a couple of guys on this website and I found it interesting that as soon as there were some bumps in the road the men would immediately put their profile up on POF again instead of trying to work things out, they prefer to go find someone to do the same things with and just repeat things over and over again.

As has already been pointed out, dating is not the same as any sort of serious relationship. The guys hit a couple of bumps, decided they didn't see the new relationship going well, and got out. Women do this too, and it's just common sense to to it when there is a problem early on.

The last guy I was with for four months went on POF right after an argument we had. I was actually in the hospital when he put his profile up.

There are only two ways I can see your being in the hospital would have any bearing. First would be if he was responsible for you being there, either deliberately or accidentally. Second would be if you believe it shows he was so shallow that he lost interest because of whatever put you into the hospital, and nothing you say suggests that.

As for his going back to POF immediately after the argument, I can't really blame him. You had dated, but nothing you say suggests the relationship was serious.

The second guy I dated for a couple of weeks, put his profile up again because we hadn't talked for a couple of days.

Are you sure that was the reason? Or could it be that you hadn't talked in a couple of days because he had decided not to continue seeing you?

Believe me, I am not taking sides here. But the regulars here see stories like yours all the time. We pay attention to what posters like you say, but we also pay attention to what you DON'T say; and sometimes we read the posters' profiles and forum histories too. While your story is unfortunate and a bit sad, it doesn't really say anything about how these guys wronged you -- because nothing suggests they were leading you on, and nothing tells us how your relationships with them were going before they broke off contact and went back to fishing.

Personally, I have to wonder if you wanted a serious relationship more than you wanted either of these particular guys? IOW, would some other guy have done just as well if he was willing to be in a serious relationship with you?
 BoomlaBoom
Joined: 10/4/2011
Msg: 22
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 4:59:56 PM
Often< I have been told that I can read a person well.. from first glance, vibes or something they say will trigger weather or not I am going to let them in my space. Just because one is physically, visually or sexually compatiable, does not mean they are devoted to work the issues out.
 Sweven
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 23
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 5:15:27 PM
Reposting a profile can be used as a means of communicating indirectly, similar to other things here, like making someone a favorite, letting them see you looked at them.

Nonverbally saying something along the lines of "see here, how little you meant to me, I can replace you any time I want, with no need to pause for reflection."

I knew one couple who met on POF and played make-up, break-up a few times. They knew the other couldn't resist looking, so they'd be in a race to get the profile back up and put things in there specifically for the newly-ex'd to see, like he'd put up a photo taken of the two of them, with her chopped out; she'd put a disclaimer about people who snore like a freight train.

I found them humorous from a distance but in that situation it'd probably feel like a punch to the gut if it was somebody I'd cared for.
 Jd_27
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 24
Using POF as the easy way outs
Posted: 10/18/2011 5:40:45 PM
Touche, my girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me after I discovered her on POF. So she deleted her account, so I found a good opportunity to add mine.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 25
Using POF as the easy way out
Posted: 10/18/2011 5:47:06 PM
Define "bump"?????? I can battle things out with the best of them, but, in my old age,I also know not to waste MY time or anybody else's trying to fix something that can't be. I know when a person decides to walk, well, I let em walk. Beg,plead,wish,hope, etc all ya want, they are still walking (if you care to look).

Maybe instead of whining about the walkers, try to see if there is a reason or two for it. This requires some thinking and self reflection instead of whining and finger pointing. I wouldn't say POF is being "used", as much as it's something that YOU can actually see happening. Another thing to consider,,,,what are they doing that YOU can't see?????
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