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 Avelignese
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 1
Ironic...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I know I am young and lifes lessons are many to come... but I am having a much more difficult time than I anticipated accepting that my ex husband has moved on. I ended the relationship April of 2010. The divorce was finalized April 2011. He is getting married in two weeks. I keep tormenting myself looking at her pictures and posts on FB about the upcoming wedding. (They are even going the same place he and I went on our honeymoon for theirs!)
I think the biggest thing that is making it hard for me to get over this is that he found someone... and I can't. And man that has shown interest is pretty quick to move on to the next woman. Am I seriously that inadequate?
 TheCoolGreenMoss
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 2
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Ironic...
Posted: 10/23/2011 8:38:45 PM

Am I seriously that inadequate?


Seems like you might be mixing emotions a bit - which is normal. One thing is the past - the moving on part. The other is where you are in the relationship stage.

I doubt you'd feel any less inadequate if he were not in a relationship already (getting married or not, although the remarrying is a bit of a kicker I'm sure.)

Not to do the Mr Fixit thing but - I might at some point consider unfriending him on your FB - or at least change the settings so you don't have to see the daily drivel on your wall.

I'd also say - you're not in a competition with him or anyone else - it's not a race to see who can get 'past' the other, the soonest. Count your blessings (in some way) - you're young, attractive and single.. It will come. Patience Young Skywalker..
 Avelignese
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 3
Ironic...
Posted: 10/23/2011 8:57:04 PM
It isn't codependancy. I have been (and continue to be) a very independant woman my entire life. It's a matter of if he loved me enough to be married to me for 3.5 years, I wouldn't anticipate it being so easy for him to move on. And given that I was the one who ended the relationship, why am I the one stuck in a relationship rut?
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 4
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 7:54:08 AM
heres the problem..

you are fixated on >>>How could he move on so fast if he LOVED me?<<<

My ex had someone move in.. 2 weeks after the door hit my A$$.

I totally have been there.

Then i took a LONG time to give myself some ME time. Once you learn how to do things alone.. and totally enjoy them. You will stress less over finding somene.... They say.. you will find someone when you arent looking.

Besides.. realize this.... He jumped into another relationship so fast.. His odds of THAT marriage working are very low.
 Jaimes004
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 5
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:11:14 AM
Please do yourself a favor; Eliminate 100% contact with this man. No FB, no pictures, rearrange your home if you still live there, redecorate, paint...whatever. Out of site will slowly make him out of mind. Begin rebuilding your life based on your interests alone, the desires your ex may have not helped you nurture. Who cares what he is doing, knowing details only prolongs your journey towards happiness.

I also agree, him getting married 6 mos after your divorce decree is a recipe for another divorce.
 SleepyMcGee
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 6
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Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:42:28 AM

And given that I was the one who ended the relationship, why am I the one stuck in a relationship rut?


Because you don't want to move on. You're dwelling in your sadness. You talk about how you're TORMENTING YOURSELF looking at her pictures on Facebook. So why do it? Why are you even on her Facebook profile in the first place? You can't move on until you WANT to move on. Stop trying to thrive in your depression to prove to yourself you can deal with it, because you obviously can't. It's not weakness, it's simply the way you're wired. I can surf onto my ex fiancee's Facebook and be happy to see her smiling holding her baby. You can't. Block her. Block him. No texts, calls, messages, anything. Move on.
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 7
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:57:16 AM
yeah, you're height is. JOKE.

well, why did you two divorce anyways? what was the reason?

i know it's hard to move on. darn. you must feel really rotten right now. i can't imagine.

it's hard to get over someone. it's hard. i dated other guys to forget him and whenever

i remember him, i will then think of the bad stuffs he has done to me and it makes me

stop thinking of him. i moved on in just over a month. pretty fast huh. all these steps i

did to forget him.i do agree with one poster here. she said that you are FIXATED on the

''if he LOVED me, why was he able to moved on that fast?'' stuff. i fixated on that, too. i

was like if he loved me, why did he have to cheat? now i accept that he didn't really love

me if he did that. am cool with that fact now. it's totally his loss. now he is struggling to

survive.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 8
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Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 9:25:32 AM
Get off face book. Cancel your account for 30 days.
 grantfl80
Joined: 7/21/2011
Msg: 9
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 3:44:15 PM
Why on earth would you stay in contact with an ex husband (unless kids are involved)? The beautiful thing about the divorce (that you were the petitioner for) is that you no longer have to worry about his actions and whereabouts. Believe it or not...the pain you feel is self-inflicted. Every time you check for a status update or you do a search for his or her updates you're driving a nail deeper and deeper into yourself. STOP! I 100% agree with the others who post that this isn't a competition. When I petitioned for my divorce I did it with 100% full intentions. I thought to myself "what's better? potentially the rest of my life all alone...or one more day in a miserable marriage?" If the answer to that question did not come to you, then you should've worked on the marriage and not gotten the divorce. You're 24 and appear to be intelligent and gorgeous, stop sweating your past!

G
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 10
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:36:06 PM
It takes some time to get over the loss of a significant relationship. You are no where near it.

You have still not gotten over being a "we," to becoming a "me."

Work on the "me" part.

When she is whole and happy within herself, she will be better able to share her life with the guy who is worthy of her.

As for your ex. What he does with his life IS NO CONCERN OF YOURS. Wish him well and send him on his way. He is not worth anything but your pity.

You have someone more important to focus your attention on.

YOU!
 jaynumber9
Joined: 9/16/2011
Msg: 11
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Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 9:20:18 PM
Only one advice that worked for me....

On a serious note... once you catch someone with your eyes... and feel that attraction... you are cured. Until then good luck.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 9:38:41 PM

The divorce was finalized April 2011. He is getting married in two weeks. I keep tormenting myself looking at her pictures and posts on FB about the upcoming wedding. (They are even going the same place he and I went on our honeymoon for theirs!)

Uh, you ended the relationship. Didn't you think about that before ending it?
 Avelignese
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 13
Ironic...
Posted: 10/24/2011 10:01:44 PM

Uh, you ended the relationship. Didn't you think about that before ending it?

Uh, no him getting married in the future was not the first thing on my mind when I initiated the divorce!

But thank you to most of you. Some of the things that you have said are things I think I needed to here. I am somewhat 'fixated' on the situation. I have more than enough things to fill my time so I will be attempting to follow your advice!
 ChillinChill
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 14
Ironic...
Posted: 10/25/2011 1:21:09 PM
If you think you are inadequate....then you will be.

You have to set aside your ego in this. You are disapointed that he didn't pine away for you after YOU asked him for a divorce? That is just totally self centered and egotistical. Why put an expectance of some kind of time frame that he should get over you? It's done and you asked for it.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 15
Ironic...
Posted: 11/3/2011 8:25:05 PM
Sounds like the OP is sleeping in the bed she made for herself.
 JustDukky
Joined: 7/8/2004
Msg: 16
Ironic...
Posted: 11/4/2011 3:05:18 AM

It isn't codependancy. I have been (and continue to be) a very independant woman my entire life. It's a matter of if he loved me enough to be married to me for 3.5 years, I wouldn't anticipate it being so easy for him to move on. And given that I was the one who ended the relationship, why am I the one stuck in a relationship rut?

I never visited the brokenheart forum until today. I guess it was a slow newsday on the other ones. I certainly didn't intend to post here, but there was something about your post that intrigued me. "Relationship rut"?? Good God girl, you are 24 years old! Quit focusing on your ex's life and start thinking about your own. You yourself say you have much going on in your life. Good! Enjoy it! Don't rush into a relationship because he did (or appeared to). Maybe he met his soul mate, or maybe he just needed a woman because he was lonely. Whatever the case it's his life and his problem. In your own case, I'd offer a few words of drunken fatherly advice; if you don't go looking for love, it will find you. It's only booze that has to be chased down.
 Mikemiller2011
Joined: 10/31/2011
Msg: 17
Ironic...
Posted: 11/4/2011 7:32:30 AM
First thing stop looking at the pictures and posts on facebook. Second thing is from your profile picture you look like a great catch. Remain positive and sometime soon you will meet a great guy who will appreciate the great qualites you bring to a relationship.
 ontario_woman
Joined: 4/3/2005
Msg: 18
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Ironic...
Posted: 11/4/2011 7:41:37 AM
Your 24 and divorced and you're complaining that you can't find anyone?

My advice: Enjoy your freedom and have some fun. The right guy will come by soon enough. There is no need to jump from your marriage right into another relationship.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 19
Ironic...
Posted: 11/4/2011 12:41:49 PM
Quit tormenting yourself. You are divorced from him for a reason remember? Wish him well and continue to be the independent woman you say you are. Looking at what he is going to do with his future should not be your concern, you should focus on yourself.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
Ironic...
Posted: 11/6/2011 1:27:18 PM
Remember this.

He found "someone". If you divorced him, there was a reason - and she's not on to that reason yet. She also may not be as special as she was just "around". He may well be marrying a rebound chick to deal with the divorce.

I guarantee you it's not all it appears to be on the outside, and unless she's just as bad as he is, it likely won't work out. Now some new broad gets to learn the hard way what a so and so he is - and you're not stuck in that situation. Add to that you're still young enough to meet and marry a better person, and I'd say you made out in all this.

Whether or not you meet someone has nothing to do with whether or not he has - it's not a race. He very well may be filling a void - your information about him going on a honeymoon in the same place reeks of not being healthy enough to be getting married; he's either trying to relive old times or go back and make things different - either way it doesn't sound like the new woman is the focus for him. You could kill time with just some guy you're not into but keeps you busy when you're bored, and you could even end up married to someone who's just around - but is that what you really want?

In a year, you'll be dating someone 10 times better than your ex and grateful you're no longer married so you could meet him, and your ex'll be back on the market and miserable that his attempt to fill a void didn't go well.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 21
Ironic...
Posted: 11/6/2011 2:04:52 PM
Uh, no him getting married in the future was not the first thing on my mind when I initiated the divorce!


Why not? Did you really think he couldn't do any better than you, and he'd spend the rest of his life pining over you? A bit narcissistic aren't we? Maybe she was willing to give him something you couldn't give him. A child, perhaps?

You got what you wanted. Now you can focus on yourself.
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 22
Ironic...
Posted: 11/6/2011 10:27:57 PM
Just stop it. Stop the drama. You ended the marriage. What was he supposed to do? Spend the rest of his life shut up in his room mooning over you? That's really what you expected isn't it, that he would come running back, begging you to give it another try. You were using divorce as punishment but he didn't learn the right lesson? You sound just like my ex. Let it go before you turn into a bunny boiler.

"It isn't codependancy. I have been (and continue to be) a very independant woman my entire life."
Codependency is NOT the opposite if independent. In fact They often go hand in hand, IMHO. Codependent people tend to be very independent and have a need to fix and/or rescue someone. They need to have someone that needs them.
 Padawan61
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 23
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Ironic...
Posted: 11/6/2011 10:46:36 PM

It's a matter of if he loved me enough to be married to me for 3.5 years, I wouldn't anticipate it being so easy for him to move on. And given that I was the one who ended the relationship, why am I the one stuck in a relationship rut?

Everyone knows that us guys can move on very easily whether or not the woman initiated the breakup. And since you did ... maybe what you're feeling is regret.

Most guys do not continue to yearn for someone who clearly wanted out.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 24
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Ironic...
Posted: 11/11/2011 2:09:36 AM
You divorced him. You got what you wanted, that set's him free to do as he wishes. It's no longer your business.
You didn't love him enough to stay married to him for whatever reason, so why should he hold back on his life?

You decided a divorce was the best course of action,so now decide on another.

A.) Keep torturing yourself over someone you chunked into the weeds,

OR

B.) Get out there and make your self irresistible to some guy.
 machrider
Joined: 12/1/2008
Msg: 25
Ironic...
Posted: 11/11/2011 5:19:34 AM
I will admit I had a hard time getting over my ex. Until you get over your ex your not going to find someone. Trust me. Although she had cheated on me it took a long while to get over those emotions of hate and jealousy. It's called healing.

Is it you can't find someone or you can't find someone like him? Your young, your very attractive, and of course, you know how to shoot (btw what kinda gun is that? ).

Until your over him, your not going to find someone. If you need it, seek councelling. I did, worked wonders :)
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