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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 2
pre-arranged marriages!Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
One of my grandfathers had 3 small sons when his first wife died. Through some connections he was told of a 15 year old girl who was from the same town he was from in Ireland and he went, met her family, took them on a little adventure and married her. that was my grandmother. She had my father 9 months later and 5 more children after that. She unfortunately died at 57 yrs. and Grandfather lived to be 100. I know she respected him. I know she adored her children, but that's how it was. She was completely servient and made a perfect home and seemingly happy family. Would I do it?...I wish it was that easy. Women in societies and times when and where this applied/s were raised to be wives and mothers. I know alot of women today who's mothers havent even taught them to cook! I don't think women have done themselves any favors..Send me back in time with a few adjustments on the sexual side..I think life would be grande. I'll be the perfect lady for a real man of my house.
Joined: 6/3/2004
Msg: 3
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/22/2005 6:48:09 PM
Not rooting for the "pre-arranged" system, in fact its the last thing in the world I would even give a 'Thumbs-up' to.

However, from what little I know, for the most part, their Kids were consulted in the process, and if Junior really didn't like Susie, that was a main Point for the Parents to look elsewhere to keep Peace between the Families.

But then there are endless variations of it too ...
Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 5
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/23/2005 9:31:24 PM
Aren't all marriages pre-arranged by God?
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 6
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pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/23/2005 10:20:30 PM
Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 7
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/24/2005 3:35:45 AM
Maybe there would be more family togetherness and less divorce. That is probably what is wrong with the USA to begin with, no respectable standards
Joined: 7/2/2005
Msg: 9
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/24/2005 11:54:10 AM
I think part of that romantic ideal for those cultures is the excitement of the one day marriage (so I have heard it described) an anticipatory love situation.

It's hard for my Western mind to concieve, but if it works for another culture, who and I to judge it?
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 10
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/24/2005 11:59:00 AM
I read an article a short while back that said "love killed marriage"

In some ways it is true, with our culture in the western world we are almost raised to believe that our prince or princess will come along and sweep us off our feet and we'll live blissfully ever after.

It just does not work that way. You certainly can be swept off your feet and live blissfully, but there will be times of hardwork, commitment, and questioning that come along with it.

I wouldnt want to be in a pre-arranged marriage- but I think it reminds us that we should appreciate who we have an value them for who they are... instead of being so quick to proclaim how we deserve more.
Joined: 12/28/2004
Msg: 11
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/24/2005 12:14:48 PM
From where i come (india) the whole arranged marriage custom is pretty common...its something thats very naturally expected of u...its not a big deal, infact marrying someone of ur own choice (specially if that person belongs to a different religion) becomes really hard... though I think many parents are now opening up to the prospect of "love marriage" ... its not as hard as it used to be...but most often (suprisingly) arranged marriages do work! i mean my parents had an arranged marriage n they turned out just fine! :-)
Joined: 4/19/2005
Msg: 12
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/15/2005 9:03:43 AM
marriage is not only about two persons coming together...rather it is a union of two family. In arranged marriages you are at liberty to choose a family as well as a mate of your liking.
Joined: 11/4/2004
Msg: 13
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/15/2005 10:02:41 AM
It cannot work here , we do not have the culture set up for it . My grandmother was in an arranged marriage in Mexico , she chose the family she liked , all tall boys with alot of money in the family , they both died together in a car accident when both were 70 years old , as a little boy my grand mother always said he was a very dirty old , I did not understand why she said it with a big smile and a giggle .

There was no dowry or anything , just two families getting together, having babies and a home . I guess it prevented boys and girls getting in trouble .

In an arranged marriage , I am sure I would make it work , why not . Choose me a girl and I will learn to love her .

People who talk about the evils of some arranged marriages are true but it is not the system itself , it is the evil that dwells in people , haven't you heard about people marrying in our society to take advantage of money sex and power ? Men and women beat eachother too in our society , even mother in laws can be evil here , it is just that some people suck .

Matchmaking is a form of arraged marriage if it gets to that point.
Joined: 6/8/2004
Msg: 14
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/15/2005 2:08:57 PM
you make a good point songbird.... BUT.... there is still slavery in the world

o.t. - i couldnt
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 15
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pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/17/2005 9:10:14 PM
Hi sum1reel,

You bring up an interesting topic. I was involved with a Nepali girl for 5 years, and in her culture they practice arranged marriages. I always knew in the back of my mind, I might lose her to that. Guess what? I did. It is just the way it is in that part of the world, in particular India as well.

When she first told me about the custom, I was so confused because in western society, arranged marriages is old fashion, something that third world countries practice. When she explained to me, I understood why they do it and as you mentioned the divorce rates, they are extremely low in comparison to western countries.

A funny story that happened to one of my friends from India was his parents were telling after he has a job and he is done with college he should start thinking about getting married. Well, after he was done with college, he hung around with us and kept telling us about his parent bugging him to get married already because he was getting "old." And mind you, he was 23 at the time! So when he want to India for vacation, the VERY next day, his parents woke him up and brought him to the living room. To his surprise, there a bunch of girl lined up and his parents told him, choose a wife!!!! And they did not let him go until he chose one. How's that for irony, so than he calls us from India and says, "hey guys, I'm getting married!!!!" Some of my friends sort of knew his parent might do something like that and they did. But you know though, he brought her to the U.S. and they're happily married with 2 kids.

If my parents instilled that practice into me, I would do it.
Joined: 6/27/2004
Msg: 16
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/17/2005 9:21:16 PM
I dont know why, the very thought of arranged marriage makes me feel very trap. I am very happy for those who made it through arrange marriage but what about those who are unhappy and feel trapped in that marriage? I hope the soceity is open enough to accept that decision that the marriage doesnt work and they have an option out. Personally, I just cannot imagine having one...only my thoughts
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 17
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/18/2005 1:55:55 AM
You guys have missed the most important point as to why arranged marriages are more successful. People who have these types of marriages come from a very traditional upbringing and from a traditional society/culture. Not only is it more difficult to divorce but, most importantly, the families do everything to ensure that the union between their children is a lasting one. How? If you follow their wishes by marrying the correct person, they will reward you financially (ex. dowry, mounds of jewelry, large downpayments on a house, setting son-in-law up with a lucrative job, etc). Also, the parents of the marrying couple will gladly babysit their children while the couple works, goes on vacations, parties on a Saturday night, romantic dinners, etc...not just once in a while, but every day if need be. These parents do not follow the Western concept of 'Freedom 55', but rather their life is devoted to their children and their children's children. Also, the families tend to get very interwoven into the fabric of the marriage by befriending their son- or daughter-in-law and, quite commonly, living in a tightly-knit extended family under one roof.
Joined: 6/27/2004
Msg: 18
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/18/2005 3:57:35 AM
I can see your point Tick Tock...but I still think its a matter of choice....I love to have choices in my life...for me who has been away from home since I was 12 and financially independent, the thought of living in a tightly-knit extended family under the same roof where everything is so intertwined, can be suffocating..but I can only say that for myself...
Joined: 9/27/2004
Msg: 19
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/18/2005 4:18:19 AM
I do agree with Zora.... mostly all parents in this part of the world would like their children no matter weather boy/gril to go for arrange marriage.

Checkout the divorce ration in india vs western countires like US, Europe etc... eventhough ppl in that part of world have choice to marry girl/guy of their choice still after few yrs thy get deperated... % is very less compared to that part of world here in india....
 Tick Tock
Joined: 2/27/2005
Msg: 20
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/18/2005 2:13:54 PM
Matahari, I wasn't saying that I would want an arranged marriage, but I was stating some of the reasons why they last longer. Personally, I have always picked my own girlfriends.
Joined: 6/27/2004
Msg: 21
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 8/18/2005 6:17:17 PM
What Silken wrote about divorce rates makes so much sense...I am only very concern about those who are forced into arranged marriage without any choice and got trapped in a loveless, hopeless and meaningless marriage..that would be a tragedy.

Tick Tock, no problem and I am happy for you! To have a choice in life is a gift! and I will not let anyone take that away from me....
 Miss AngelA
Joined: 7/19/2005
Msg: 22
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pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:33:25 PM
i agree that those who are forced into arranged marriage without any choice and got trapped in a loveless, hopeless and meaningless marriage..that would be a tragedy.
it should be agreed on both that are going to be arranged to be married
divorce rates are high because many couples who marry for the wrong reasons and too soon before they really know each other
times has change, we need to change with the times. what happen 100 years ago dont mean it can apply to now
An arranged marriage is a marriage arranged by both families. The bride or the groom does not have any say in it. The religions that are involved include Muslim and Hindu. It may occur in other religions, but these are the two main religions. Once married, the bride is considered the property of her in-laws. Arranged marriages are strong in these peoples beliefs and in their past. Muslim and Hindu people believe that arranged marriages have fever divorces. They believe in marrying girls young because if not they have the chance to be with other men, so then potential husbands do not want them. The family chooses whom the girls are going to marry by their social status. Sometimes, the girls are married because their families need the money from their daughter's bride price. They could marry to settle land disputes, or to keep land in the family, they often marry cousins for this reason. Some of the believers of this practice believe the pros of arranged marriages are low divorce rates, and the bride and groom do not have to worry about the parents not approving of their choice of spouse. The cons of arranged marriage are if your dowry is not paid you could die, a brutal death. If they were arranged to marry their cousins, their children would have a four- percent chance of being abnormal. The girls may not like whom her parents have picked for her to marry, so she may commit suicide to get out of the marriage. When the bride marries she has no choice but to be a semi-servant for the family because she is now considered property of her in-laws. To secure marriage of girls they must have huge dowries, university education, or be tall and of light complexion. Fathers go far into debt providing dowries for their daughters. One form of brutal death the bride can face if her family can not pay the dowry is bride burning. This occurs when the brides clothes are lit on fire near the gas stove by her husbands or in-laws. It is made to look like an accident. There is a law under Pakistan's Muslim Family Laws Ordinance of 1961 that asks for a bride, groom, two witnesses, registration of marriage and fixing dowry. The minimum age for girls is 16 and for boys 18. People just don't abide by this law. It isn't effective because the police and Judges are male and the deaths are recorded as suicides. Divorces are limited. The only way they can get them is if their husbands are impotent, suffering from severe diseases, the husbands marriage to another women without the permission of the union council, his failure to provide her maintenance or her subjection by him to different forms of violence. Changes in attitudes are starting to occur in Pakistan because the women are now committing more crimes due to marital conditions. Woman's groups in India are being backed by lawyer's who are offering free service. As part of an on-going education campaign, a two-month-long street theatre was organized to deal with social issues such as gender empowerment.
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 23
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/31/2007 8:42:00 PM
who wants to trade a 18-25 year old female off for a dozen goats? any takers? As long as she looks nice, talks nice, and isnt a money grubber ill consider it.

Seriously, the idea of the prearranged marraige is ancient, it can be good or bad but the idea of th system is great. use two kids from different families to create family and business bonds that will be beneficial to all involved. What a good idea.
What most western women dont like about it is that the mans wealth is not taken into consideration. For example the mans family could have a couple million in anual income, and he could just be a janitor at best amkiing 3 grand a year after taxes, and shed have to make do with his income, and not his families income.
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 24
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 7/31/2007 10:29:36 PM

Aren't all marriages pre-arranged by God?

of course not. Assuming said god exists (not going into that here) it's generally assumed that that level of predestination would seriously compromise free will.

i.e. If your marriage (or any aspect of your life) was already pre-planned out for you, are you truly responsible for your actions? What's the point of sin then? Or salvation?

ah, I'm off topic. carry on.
Joined: 12/10/2006
Msg: 26
pre-arranged marriages!
Posted: 11/11/2007 6:42:17 AM
I just read an article this morning online about an Indian lady who was at the end of her 'timeline' for marriage in her culture. Her family had over the years introduced her to about 4 men that they thought would be of interest to them but she did have a say so in the final decision and with each of them for one reason or the other was not socially attracted to them and members of her family felt the same way. Eventually a man that was from her culture had came to visit his family in India and they met through mutual friends/family. He is a NY city bank broker would was raised mainly in the US but still followed the guidelines of his family's culture and knew that he wanted to find a woman from his own cultural background.

Arranged marriages are ones that do involve both families and because of tradition, culture, and strong family ties all are involved in being loving and supportive of the union from the onset. There is so much mutual respect for not just the couple but for the entire marriage of the families together. This does bond a couple in this marriage more so than what an 'Americanized' marriage does. There is a more deeper bond spiritually, more respectful of one's self and what is expected in each other's roles to one another. Some people feel that with this sort of marriage that the gender roles are one where the women are always the ones that are so submissive to their husbands but in all actuality it is that the two are submissive and very supportive of each other. The man does take the responsibility of being the main one as far as working outside the home but it is allowable but not a requirement that the wife work. Most women in this type of marriage entertwine the traditions and modernization of today's society and the husbands do the same. To me, having the blessings and having the entire family being supportive on both sides makes for a better union.
In the American society we have lost sight of 'all' the conditions of marriage and take so much for granted and don't consider the spirituality of the sancity of marriage. We have become such a shallow society and it is proven with all the failed marriages, broken families, infidelities, one parent families that don't have the support of either side of the family units due to them initially being supportive of the unions in the first place.

Many times I have thought back of how my great grandparents met and how their marriage was over the years. That was when divorce was out of the question and the old saying 'you made your bed now lie in it' had true meaning and two people truly worked on their marriage and took the time to really learn about each other and respected each other's thoughts and desires. They molded themselves to each other and made it through their indifferences instead of not liking a certain situation and running to a lawyer to get out of the marriage.

Would I go for an arranged marriage... Sure.. especially since it is one that is more thought out and planned for all the right reasons but one with a more modern twist. Better than bouncing from one man to the next but taking the true time that is needed to secure a great relationship and the blessings from both families.
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