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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Wait or Not?      Home login  
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 sissysqueekyz03
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 1
Wait or Not?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I live about 4 hours from a guy I met on here. We hit it off from the start. So many things in common. From our job to our humor. We chatted, talked, and sent sexy pics. We finally met after 3 weeks. We spent the weekend together, everything was great. We joked and talked about the future. We both travel and spend long spands away from home so we knew there would be challanges from the begining.
After our weekend I wanted him to say we were an item. He told me he could not do that. Says that he had a bad marriage and then a nightmare of a girlfriend after that; then met me. Says I'm a freaking amazing person but he made a promise to himself. He says he wants to take it slow . And dosen't understand why he should have to make the commitment right now. Actually says it was unfair of me to ask that and feels pressured. Because I know about his past, I agreed to take it slow. I asked straight out if I was the only one for peace of mind. He is an honest person so he admitted; he is not seeing anyone else but he has been talking to some others.
It has been a month since our very first chat. He still sends me sexy pics, and we still talk or text on a daily basis. I am trying my best to just be supportive in his wishes but I don't want to waste my time. I fear this will just slip away and I don't want that. He is an awesome guy and I can see my self with him for a very long time. I don't want to end up as a friend with benifits, Is this something I'm wasting my time with? Or should I just take it slow still?
 instride
Joined: 12/14/2007
Msg: 2
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 8:18:48 PM
Set yourself a time limit and if you feel like a FWB and don't want to be, throw him back and get you a better man.
JMO and I wish you all the best.
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 8:52:48 PM

I want to put a hammer on his head and wham it to him.

because he's not ready to get married after what is essentially one long hot date? better be careful, your case worker might read this and stop unlocking your ce ... room.

op, if this fling doesn't doesn't work out, you might wanna take some notes for the future about where your emotions go when you have sex. you know next to nothing about this guy and you're plunging down the commitment fantasy rabbit hole like a giddy freshman.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 6
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 9:34:10 PM
Please refresh my memory ...

Did you not post this before?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 7
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:03:52 PM
Like the others said: your only real contact with him was one weekend, and now you want a commitment. He sees red flags going up. The "amazing" conversations/texts and dirty pictures before you met is by a guy who tells you what you want to hear to get you hooked. I think he's having reservations about any more hook-ups with you because he knows the more you see him in real life, the more pressure there will be to be an exclusive couple and quickly get to the next level in the relationship. Even though you initially agreed to his request to take things slower, you let the cat out of the bag and he knows you aren't happy with a slow pace.

If he said yes to the commitment question, at some point, would you be willing to quit your job and move to his town and look for a job there or would you ask him to quit his job and move to your town and look for a job where you live? This is a major reason why long term relationships almost never work-too many one way sacrifices.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 8
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 10:17:49 PM

Actually says it was unfair of me to ask that and feels pressured.

It was not unfair of you to ask. Nor is it an issue that he feels pressured.


Because I know about his past, I agreed to take it slow.

Don't do that if you secretly are waiting for him to come around soon. That's not really taking it slow.


I asked straight out if I was the only one for peace of mind. He is an honest person so he admitted; he is not seeing anyone else but he has been talking to some others.

Honesty on both your parts. That's good. Him not seeing others is purely circumstantial though as he does not want to be exclusive right now. If you want to date exclusively then you are probably better off finding a guy that is willing to do that from the beginning.

Personally I would not date anyone exclusively I just met. When I am exclusive I am in a relationship, and that takes more then a hot weekend.


I am trying my best to just be supportive in his wishes but I don't want to waste my time.

If you view the situation as a waste of your time then it is cuz this is the situation.


He is an awesome guy and I can see my self with him for a very long time.

Don't fool yourself into thinking you know him that well... does this timeline really give either of you justice? Surely it takes longer then this to really know what you're all about??
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 9
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 11:42:05 PM
You were vague if you slept together on "great weekend"--I'd assume yes. Then he says "take it slow"--after you slept together?That isn't slow. Tell him, you get he's not ready for a commitment but you only sleep with 1 person at a time--unless you want to be a fwb, which is really not particularly special. He says you're great (words are cheap), but apparently not enough to not date others. If he doesn't think you're worth the effort, date closer to home.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 10
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/25/2011 11:55:56 PM

You were vague if you slept together on "great weekend"--I'd assume yes. Then he says "take it slow"--after you slept together?That isn't slow.

IMO taking things too fast is primarily non-sexual in nature...

Like someone thinking they fell in love and start planning their long term future together with Mr/Mrs Perfect after a few dates...
 sissysqueekyz03
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 12
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 1:34:52 AM
I would believe that it was all to get me hooked except . I had very long extensive conversations with him . I know everything about him from his childhood and his children on up to today. Things that if you only wanted a fling; you wouldn't expose the weaknesses.

And Honestly, yes I would be willing to move. I have the kind of job that I can do that. He does too.
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 13
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 1:42:23 AM

I know everything about him

Stop there. No you don't, and neither does he know everything about you. You don't really believe that. You are saying this to validate your feelings. Step outside...you're heading towards something unhealthy with this mentality.


Things that if you only wanted a fling; you wouldn't expose the weaknesses.


Hmm. You mean if you only wanted one hot weekend and no others following it? If you wan't a fling (not saying that is the intention) then yes a guy or girl can, will, do, reveal all that JUST for a 'fling'. It happens...a lot...
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 14
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 2:31:32 AM
Long extensive conversations not equaling a fling--sorry, not true. A woman might think that way--oh, we bonded. Sorry, but many players do that fake vulnerability/empathy mixed in with Ahole arrogance--on purpose and they don't actually give as fig about you or your life. They hardly ever ask about it, am I right? Always about them. Let's say it happened to me 1x years ago and then I said oh, wow and never repeated that flawed thinking. I was quite hurt that the all night, prior to meeting phone calls for weeks, meant nothing, and rationalized his bad actions...bottom line he wanted a fwb, all from the start. I'd never have agreed to that from the get-go and cut ties.
Don't assume he wants a future unless his actions indicate that interest.
 newonthescene76
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 15
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 4:03:56 AM
It always amazes me that a man's horrific past of abusive ex-wives and girlfriends
can stop him from committing to someone, but this horrid past is never brought up before he has sex with you.

Lets be realistic OK? He lives 4 hours away and you've already sent dirty pictures of yourself and slept with him. More likely than not he won't ever be interested in having a committed relationship with you.
 good_dreams
Joined: 9/14/2011
Msg: 16
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:09:34 AM

After our weekend I wanted him to say we were an item. He told me he could not do that. Says that he had a bad marriage and then a nightmare of a girlfriend after that; then met me. Says I'm a freaking amazing person but he made a promise to himself. He says he wants to take it slow .


This is whats called "learning from your mistakes". So he's been in two consecutive bad relationships, what would you expect a reasonable person to do in that situation other then be more careful and take things slower the next time? Any person can easily understand this if they have been in a similar situation.
If you really interested in making it work then take things at a speed which is the most comfortable for both of you. In my experience the greater danger for a relationship is to take things too fast.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 17
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:20:15 AM
Sorry OP but to me it doesn't sound like you have a relationship with this guy. It's not for lack of trying on your part, but from what you wrote(we only have your side) it does sound like this guy doesn't want a commitment yet.

It also seems to me like you are rushing things. You've only spent ONE weekend with this guy and your looking for a commitment. Try slowing down a little bit.

Bottom line, IMO, the two of you are not looking for the same thing. Might be best to move on.

If I'm wrong, then give it more time, spend some more time together IN PERSON and TALKING instead of in the bed and see what happens.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 18
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 6:37:52 AM
You cant "buy" a relationship with sex, it really doesnt work that way

If you enjoy sex, want to have sex with him then do it for those reasons.

If you have sex because you think that will "make" him committed, or means he is now "obligated" to have a relationship with you then youre insane

Even the most amazing sex is still nothing more than amazing sex if the rest of the package isnt something you can grow to love. And by pressuring him into committing now you have made the "down payment" will drive him away even if he could have grown to love you in time


Most men I know and myself included see sex when youre dating as something enjoyable, and far more fun that watching a film together or walking in the park

But really thats about it

It doesnt create a more positive OR negative impression of that woman unless the sex is crap or youre just not sexually compatible.

As long as theres no major incompatibilities in the sex department it doesnt speed up nor slow down the much bigger and far more important process of getting to know each other. And by itself doesnt magically mean you get to skip that process and jump up a few levels just because you have shagged each other

Theres no benefit to rushing into a relationship, because those types tend to be built on assumption, hopes and fairy dust rather than an actual and verified level of compatibility with each other. So they tend fall apart pretty quickly too, unless the pushing to speed things up kills them off before they even get going in the first place


That said however, I dont really think 4 hours is THAT far away. Certainly not for spending weekends together.

And I also dont think if he wants to at least be open to the possibility it "might" go somewhere but without being psycho rushed up the aisle by a stranger that wanting exclusivity whilst exploring the possibility is unreasonable.

But even so, I would think that you should have had a few "fabulous weekends" before really discussing things like that seriously. And if he is still nor prepared to stop looking I'd have to say bailing on this one is the best option

At the moment though, someone pressuring for committment after just ONE weekend, And I'd be inclined to tell HIM bailing is the best option so I really think you need to wind your crazy dial back a bit
 sissysqueekyz03
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 19
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 8:33:45 AM
Thank you, I am getting some good incite here. I can see where everyone thinks I am moving too fast. I wasn't saying to marry me, I just wanted to know that while we are away from eachother that we one in a monogumous relationship. Seeing how he was telling me how amazing, perfect, or awesome I am. I didn't believe that asking for a commitment was out of reality. He lead me to that road with his words. But I can see where I am on the back burner in a collection waiting to be offically used... Thank you, live and learn right.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 8:42:58 AM
There's no mention when the next "fabulous" weekend hook-up will be. If he was really into you-emotionally that is-he would have discussed and planned the next hook-up when you two were together on the weekend. Even though you said you will compromise by not rushing him to commitment, he knows you will be pressing the issue, probably after the second or third sex-fest weekend. I would also cool it with any nudey or sexy pictures you're sending him or anyone you date in the future. There are too many stories of hackers hacking into people's phones and finding nude pictures.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 21
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 10:01:18 AM
You've been played woman!

Hard to believe that a person will go to such lenghts to get to know someone they want to play with, isn't? I feel bad for you, he's pathetic and he took up a lot of your time for nothing, but to have someone to talk to and and sleep with.

As far as I am concerned, he's an @$$ hole, and your not up to par!

Next time, don't waste so much time texting and talking on the phone. After a couple of phone chats time to meet up; date many weekends, then find out if he's real or not.

NOT Congrats, but SURPRISE! You just meet a real player in the real world!

I feel sorry for you somewhat, but in all reality you got to see how some people really are in this world, and so: Check Mate!
Lesson Learned?
Move on...
Good Luck!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 22
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 12:35:55 PM

jan1025:
You've been played woman!...You just meet a real player in the real world!


I think it's the other way around. They never met in person, but she wants a commitment and monogamous relationship with him. Who does that after one date/weekend? The guy did the normal thing by saying "slow down". But like on so many posts here, everything is automatically the guy's fault, no matter what the circumstances. A guy who doesn't commit to a woman within five minutes is automatically a player. It's also another case where a couple agree to meet up for mutual sex or whatever, people always say the woman is the victim and was played.
Sheesh!
 ZachariahTicer
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 23
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 3:54:33 PM
^
More like that's ONE of the prerequisites.


i mean it's not like the only two options that could possibly exist in the universe are [a] an immediate commitment after sex; or [2] being used like cum dumpster. there is a middle road and it's called taking a reasonable amount of time to get to know somebody before jumping to conclusions.

Exactly. That really sums it up nicely :)
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 24
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 4:40:36 PM
Men are not women with penises.
Or, men do not possess a women's brain.

In other words, we don't think like women.

A series of long conversations over the phone/email/IM/text messages where we tell you our life story, followed by "one hot weekend together" do not add up to "committed relationship" in our feeble male minds.

Sheesh, OP, take it slow. You're going to drive men away with a mentality like this. Besides, what's the friggin hurry?
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 25
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 4:57:58 PM
so after one great weekend, you are wanting to head to the altar????

He pretty much told it how it is and where he is.....he doesn't want a future with you, doesn't want exclusivity with you, or he would NOT be talking with anyone else.....he doesn't want commitment, either.

He isn't emotionally ready and he told you that, but you weren't willing to listen to it. - Biggest mistake women make is not listening to a man tell them they aren't ready...... because then they get is huge idea they can "change their minds" and go to all ends of Planet Earth to try.....and in the bitter end.....fail and miserably.

Basically, to be blunt......he just isn't that into you.

Don't accept any sexy pics, emails, snail mails, or texts or any other type of correspondence from him and let it go.

Basically, you are nothing more an an FWB with him, and if you are willing to settle, knock yourself out.....putting off the inevitable will only hurt worse in the end.
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 26
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Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:04:27 PM
if he really made a promise to himself not to get serious again..
it will be a long haul and he'll have to get to a point where he feels that he doesn't want to live without you to really flip the switch...and he will have to really trust you..
1 month isn't enough for someone like that to get over his emotional hurdles.

I'd say you keep hanging onto this "friend with benefit" and start looking for the next one.
It's only fair because he is really putting you into the "benefits" category, so that means you shouldn't be exclusive to him. Let him know that you think he's an awesome guy, but this is what you will do because you don't want to end up the loser with a broken heart. If he doesn't want you to see anyone else, then he truly does want to be yours, but he has a huge psychological barrier to climb over...but if he doesn't mind, then you are really far from being "an item" to him, so you're the only one who took this seriously, after all.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 27
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 5:09:27 PM
OK, if you want that kind of relationship
you are gonna have to see each other more often.
One date and alot heart to heart talking isn't a relationship.

Personally I think 90% of all LDRs are heartbreaks waiting to happen.
but if you want to test this....
offer to visit him.

If he's hesitant or skittish of you spending time with him...
then you know...
he's not legit.

good luck.
 twelfth_dimension
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 28
Wait or Not?
Posted: 10/26/2011 6:24:22 PM
*yawn*
He sounds like a waste of time
Why go to all this trouble, just for him?
In the future, make sure you're "an item" before adding sex to the equation
Why didn't you learn this years ago?
Who cares about his past? It's just an excuse not to commit.
If he really liked you, his past would be moot.
He's not awesome -- he's a jackass whose probably sending "sexy pics" to dozens of other women.
You are already a friend with benefits, at best.
Don't take it slow. Take it full stop and move on.
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