Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Would you pay for safety?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 1
Would you pay for safety?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I know I am not a seasoned pof veteran nor do I have a lifetime membership for the forums. However, reading some of the postings and responses people put out there, as well as what some profiles say, I am seeing there is a variety of people out there that cover all sorts of the population. With the span covering people looking for a relationship, maybe family/kids, etc to people looking/reading like they are the next molester.

With that in mind, how safe are you being when you do meet someone or start dating? What kind of safety measures do you have in place other then meeting in a public place? Do you ask for a background check before getting serious with someone? I'm curious, to those who are the seasoned pof lifers...would you ever pay a membership fee of maybe $20 a year to have an annual background check done to see if it matches up with what you are saying. Almost like when applying for a job.
I don't have kids but I do have dogs and even then I am very leary and cautious bringing a new guy in my life that I just met. Usually won't come over to my house until at least going out a few times in public, before meeting my dogs. I can't imagine having kids and dating because I would be so incredibly protective of them.
I don't know if I would be totally put off having someone pass a criminal check to maintain a membership on pof. It would keep the scammers off of here as well as anyone who would have been charged with bestiality or sex acts towards humans.

Just curious as I know my time on the forums is coming to a close..or at least not a frequent flier. The month or so has been entertaining to say the least. I'm just incredibly curious how safe everyone is. What are you doing to protect yourself and your family?
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 2
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:24:03 PM
I seriously doubt that I would.

I am 55, never married, with no kids to worry about.

I have been dating/meeting women over the course of 35+ years, and the only safety measures I have employed are my common sense and intuition.....and I have never had a serious problem.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 3
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:27:18 PM
With that in mind, how safe are you being when you do meet someone or start dating? What kind of safety measures do you have in place other then meeting in a public place? Do you ask for a background check before getting serious with someone? I'm curious, to those who are the seasoned pof lifers...would you ever pay a membership fee of maybe $20 a year to have an annual background check done to see if it matches up with what you are saying.

Most people won't spend $14.00 for a disposable ``dating'' phone, so I think that gives you a good reference point. I think you can safely skip the idea of background checks as a way to be more secure. To do a background check, you first need enough information to conclusively identify a person. If you have that, then you have all you need to make that person's life very insecure. I don't see many people telling a stranger that much information if giving out a phone number is scary. I certainly wouldn't. When I met a woman, what she knew about me was my disposable phone num,ber, my first name and whatever else she cared to believe from our conversations prior to meeting. Basically, if she wanted to do a background check, she was SOL. Also, before you should believe a background check, you would have to be certain the person whose background you're checking is the person you're meeting. Needless to say, that's not possible, since you are relying on what that person tells you to do the background check.

Being safe is very simple. Don't give out personally identifying information and only meet someone in a public place when there are lots of people around. If you do that, you can just relax. It's easy to avoid giving out personally identifying information: (1) Use a disposable ``dating'' phone; (2) don't give out your last name, where you work or anything else that could hekp someone find you ubtil you want them to be able to find you; (3) don't put personal information, including your birthdate, in your profile. (I'm stunned by how many people have a string of digits as part of their usernames that are obviously birthdates. (4) If you want to really be paranoid, make sure you park where you can get out of and back into your car without being seen so someone can get your tags. Then, make sure you aren't seen getting out of or into your car. It doesn't take a great deal of thought to pull that off, only a little common sense and being observant.

None of the above requires any cooperation from the person you're meeting. It won't ensure that you don't meet a weird, but it will insure a weird can't find you. On the other hand, nothing you do can ensure you don't meet a weirdo.

Being safe really requires almost no additional effort over not being safe. All it requires is using some common sense.
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 4
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:28:55 PM
Well, you're a man. Its different as a woman as I am sure it would be a little more different as a single mother vs a single father. Granted, you still have to protect your children, but as a woman, there are some creepies out there who would I am sure love to pray on a vulnerable woman...which there seem to be quite a bit out there.
 Puppydog54
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 5
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:30:12 PM
I pretty much agree with Mr travel guy above. I realize that some people have had bad experiences, but some people have had bad experiences with people they met in church! I think it's very easy to go TOO far to the extreme on the safety issue. Be cautious, keep your eyes open... absolutely! Pay attention to your gut feelings... absolutely! But I think dating is supposed to be fun! I for one am trying to make it that. Criminal checks? No thanks.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:31:30 PM
^^^^

What he said.

Dating is part of life. I'm not going to be paranoid about any part of my life.

I guess my common sense and intuition have served me well enough over the years to keep me safe. I don't think I would do a background check on people, nor would I want them to do background checks on me.

However, I will take things relatively slow and take my time in getting to know people before I feel that I completely know them.

With my current boyfriend, I was lucky in that he was extremely googleable, and there was never any doubt that he was exactly who he portrayed himself to be.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:31:55 PM
I take a LOT of safety precautions

I have all the cupboards where I keep cleaning products child proofed incase I bring a blonde back

I have several sets of knee and elbow pads and a collection of safety helmets, and just incase a safety helmet fails my headboard is also padded

I make sure I always wear a full body condom with matching watertight goggles

I never ever turn the ceiling fan on when anybody is swinging from the light fitting

I make sure that any food taken into tbe bedroom has the wrappings removed to avoid embarassing paper cuts

I own two TV remotes for each TV in the house to cut down on the likelyhood of violent altrications

All my handcuffs are of the fluffy variety

My collection of axes are steralised on a weekly basis

And I avoid teabagging incase a woman has a nut allergy


I doubt many people are more safety conscious than me really



Seriously though, I just trust my instincts, never rush anything and use common sense

Pretty much the same approach that most of the women I tend to go for do infact

So the whole "All men are potential axe wielding serial killers" type paranoia just tends to make me think someone is either a bad judge of character or just lacks reliable instincts and cant read people very well, so every one is an "unknown" to them, and its that which is the "scary" part
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 8
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:31:56 PM
Well, you're a man. Its different as a woman

What is different that what I posted doesn't address and solve? I'd also be interested in knowing what you think you can do that I can't exploit to only give you a false sense of security. If you need my cooperation to feel safe, you have just introduced something I can exploit by deceiving you.
 distinct_purpose
Joined: 12/16/2008
Msg: 9
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:40:47 PM

I'm curious, to those who are the seasoned pof lifers...would you ever pay a membership fee of maybe $20 a year to have an annual background check done to see if it matches up with what you are saying. Almost like when applying for a job.


Back ground checks only help if the person has a record, which is a good but there are a lot of "bad/wacko" people out there that have clean records, so it may just give you a false sense of security.

I think it is better to just follow the rules for "safe dating" online all the time no matter who your meeting.
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 10
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:43:21 PM
abelian, there was another comment above yours. That is what I was responding to.

Yours however is by far the the safety measures for paranoia ......which brings me to the thought of if you go out on a date, how paranoid are people the guy is married, an ax murderer, will cheat on them, etc...in other words, make up stories in their head to dismiss them......via paranoia.

For me, personally, I'm not worried about my safety. I use common sense and carry myself in such a way that some find intimidating. I still have yet to figure out what quality that is...but have been told by a couple guys that I look like I should be a cop because my level of confidence and not allowing others to intimidate me throws people off. I know its purely a Mid West thing because growing up near DC, most people I know when I was growing up, did not have a problem looking at people in the eye when they talk.

Anyways....after reading some of the questions from different women that seemed to be a repeat of what someone else asked...I just wonder how vulnerable they are or leaving themselves open to being taken advantage of....to the point of the what if scenarios ...what if he seems like a really nice guy and turns out to be a molester....

IF people had to succumb to a drug test/background check in order to be a member on pof...but more to ensure that a) they are not a criminal b) they are not a wanted felon c) they have not had any sex acts...would that be worth it to you or would you rather wait and see?

Keep in mind there have been several serial killers, rapists, etc who come off as very charming and "normal."
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 11
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:56:46 PM

Keep in mind there have been several serial killers, rapists, etc who come off as very charming and "normal."


They are also well adept at the art of deception and could bypass anything short of an FBI level background check. Maybe even then.

I would have NO interest in providing a website with the credential needed to perform a suitable background check. ONLY because it is exactly the information needed for identity theft. I've supposedly bought one way tickets from Africa and rented a U-Haul in Washington and was in neither place at the time.

I would, however, provide almost whatever it takes to make a love interest comfortable. After I'm sure she isn't really a dude names Azubuike.

Edit: Not only would I not provide it. I sure wouldn't pay money to do so.

I think safety should be of concern. I've actually scolded one person for allowing me to follow her to her home after a meet in public. We had a nice visit and noticed not once did she text, receive or place a call the entire evening. Upon leaving I told her she really should be more careful. Apparently she saw passed my incredibly high criminal forehead.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 12
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 12:57:57 PM
which brings me to the thought of if you go out on a date, how paranoid are people the guy is married, an ax murderer, will cheat on them

Women are extremely NOT paranoid, regardless of what some say. One woman I met invited me to her house for a first meet and gave me an arrival time that allowed her to put her 3 year old kid to sleep before I got there. She did that AFTER I told her that I'd drive to her side of town and meet her someplace she felt comfortable meeting rather than meet in an area she didn't know very well. Most of the other women I met were just rather careless about what they told me about themselves or had in their profiles.


Keep in mind there have been several serial killers, rapists, etc who come off as very charming and "normal."

Which is exactly why the best way to stay safe is think ahead and make it very simple without relying on anything about the person you're meeting as an indicator of anything (except for a bad vibe that says, ``don't go.'') The things I listed are easy and are things a person can do subconciously and not ever detract from dating or allow one to feel paranoid. I never even think about those things. It's just automatic.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:07:49 PM
I've been thinking about this since first posting and why stop at police checks?

I had a friend who worked for 14 years raising two kids that turned out to not be his

So how about we throw in compulsory paternity tests too as a judge of character, as thats one of the biggest and most impactive forms of fraud in society, but doesnt even get classed as a crime, so it wouldnt show up on a police background check


And then theres infidelity, a concern for many people. So we could
also throw in compulsory lie detector tests to see whether any one has ever cheated, committed a crime they have never been caught for and any other "pertinent" questions that people might like answers to BEFORE considering dating someone

Like amount of sexual partners, age someone lost their virginity, number of one night stands, how many times they have cheated, favourite films, books and tv shows, their "real" wants in a partner rather than the crowd pleasing things you normally see etc etc

Infact, cant you buy small portable lie detectors now? So as part of the "safe dating" guidelines maybe the norm should be for each person to turn up with one, fasten it to the other person before they start chatting and take it from there?

Actually, joking aside that would actually be quite an interesting concept, and I wonder how first date conversations might alter if that WAS the case lol
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:12:27 PM
"Safety" is a relative thing. What it is most 'relative' to, is how much, and what, you want to risk.

To my thinking, if you are willing to risk getting calls you don't want to answer from a nutter, or you are willing to change phone numbers if you do, then there's no need for a "dating" cell phone. If you know your own boundaries, and can trust yourself to hold to them no matter how "sexy" someone is, or how much empathy you have for them, then the need for some of the long lead-time of getting to know someone might not be necessary for YOU. If you are confident about your physical ability to defend yourself from unwanted advances, you might not need to be As careful about where you meet someone as someone who is frail, and who has little or no experience or ability to 'read' other people.

Besides that, even if you DO spend a bunch of money, there is no guarantee you will be ABLE to buy as much safety as you think you can. It's like locking your door: no matter how expensive or complicated a lock you buy , there are people who will breeze past it like it isn't there. Same thing with things like background checks. They will only protect you so far.

Unless you have a ton of money, I would fear myself, that I would run out of "protection" before I met someone worth while, if I went that route.
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 15
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:12:51 PM
Great responses to everyone so far.

My thought behind this is noticing a trend of.....I don't understand what went wrong, we had sex the first date, etc...to each their own on that...but that is certainly taking down safety measures for a run in the hay.
Or Mommy's introducing to their kids on date 1...looking for a babydaddy #3 to take care of them.

Granted, I'm not saying everyone is like this....all I am saying is you just never know who could be a Richard Gere or not.

I certainly don't take this site seriously nor the forum for that matter. But for those that do take all of this rather serious and truly wonder what went wrong or why they are being stalked....if there really is a sense of naivety or if its something else?


Edit ^^^^^^

So, if no one is wanting to pay for or relinquish their information to a police background check.....

Then why lie in the first place? Eventually you will be found out!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 16
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:19:44 PM
I certainly don't take this site seriously nor the forum for that matter. But for those that do take all of this rather serious and truly wonder what went wrong or why they are being stalked....if there really is a sense of naivety or if its something else?

Once you get through the first meeting safely, all of the saftey issues specific to online dating have been addressed. After that, the issues are the same as with anyone else you would meet in person first. At that point, all you get is your own intuition and common sense to work with. It's not possible to get a guarantee of anything, so a person has to make an intelligent decision about taking risks. Going outside is a risk, since you could get hit by lightning. People go outside because the risk is small. But, people do get hit by lightning.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 17
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:23:53 PM
If serial killers all thought and behaved the way many women think that they think and behave, then women would have a lot to worry about. But since most of them do not think or behave the way many women think they do, then most women are relatively safe.
 modivin
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 18
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:24:55 PM
Of course abelian there is risk. Again, I'm not in the shut-in mode with a fear of dating people or meeting people from the internet. This is more speaking to the mass who post a lovely variety of questions, etc wondering why when clearly the answers are obvious to others....

This site does have successes for sure....my best friend met her man on here and they are great together. They took their time, respected each other's schedule because both were busy and lived about 1 hour from each other.
One of my super close friends also met a guy who they developed their relationship via text/calling each other and became serious before even really getting to know each other in real life. A year in to it he turns out to be a real doucher...the vibe I picked up a month in to their relationship.

There are a long list of differences between the two women but it comes down to one is very confident and grounded while the other is insecure looking for a man to "complete" her.
 SpringsDiver
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 19
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 1:34:34 PM
I met a woman in person after chatting on a different dating site and after a fair number of phone calls. We met in a park and took her dog for a walk. After about 45 minutes SHE suggested that we go to a local spring to let he dog cool off. That sounded like a good time, so I agreed and said she could follow me, since I am more familiar with the area. SHE said it was okay if I rode with her. So we drove for about 10 minutes to a popular spring that is out in the middle of nowhere.

I was pleased that she felt safe with me, but at the same time I was thinking about how much of a risk she was taking, having someone in her vehicle who she really did not know. She did have a killer Golden Retriever...he could have licked me to death!

I also knew a LOT about her and her children. I knew where she lives, where the kids go to school, where she works, and much more. This was all information she had mentioned while talking on the phone.

There have been other occasions women have done things that I did not feel were very safe. I feel letting them into your vehicle is the worst idea until you have spent a lot of time together and have good reason to trust them. So I do believe MANY women are much too trusting, and SHOULD be more safety conscious.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 20
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 2:19:17 PM
There are people who pay Dating Services .. where the participants, both sexes, are "checked out" before they can join up.
So yes, some do pay for what they think will be safe.

Us run of the mill (lol) POF'ers.. doubt you'd find many here that would pay.

After all, we ARE here and not spending big bucks out there on the more elete Dating Services.

When I had kids to think of (I fostered, after mine grew) I was very cautious. Very. As should be.

Now days? Not so much.
I go slowly through the email/phone stage getting a pretty clear 'feel' of the person first, yes.
But then once we decide to meet? Aside from making sure there are others around somewhere to 'help' if my intuition about him being 'safe' to meet was wrong, I don't fuss about "oh oh my safety".
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 21
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 2:36:59 PM
I think part of the problem is Some folks do not use common sense, plain old common sense trumps a lot of the problems.

Women do have to be more careful when meeting , there are more men than women online, that is a fact, so reason would stand that Some of the men are whack jobs, scammers, losers etc, Men have to worry about Gold diggers, swamp donkey's and whack jobs yes, women worry about safety, poon dawgs, losers etc.

I Was reading another thread where some of guys was laughing at some of the women and giving them grief because some women wont give their number well some women has to worry about their safety , come on the average guy can take care of himself and doesn't worry about getting attacked by a woman, unless the woman is a certifiable level 5 whack jobs and even then most guys who are smart will avoid a woman like that.

All this talk about criminal checks, back ground checks etc, that is for people who cannot use common sense and what does that mean, I know a few folks that can pass a criminal check , back ground check etc, and those folks I wouldn't trust my neighbors dog with them.

What every happen to good ole common sense? today especially in America before you go out on a date you will soon need a DNA sample, Psyche report, Clearance from Municipal, state and FBI, Homeland and the CIA , Doctors report and Credit bureau and toss in behavioral analyst from the Feds.
 bodypro88
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 22
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 2:41:37 PM
I met a woman at a Blenz coffee shop on 6th and 6th in New West about three years ago. An Asian woman who shortly after we settled in proceeded to tell me a story about how she went to a mans apartment on a first MEET and, he "...raped her. All ways."

This was a little bit awkward for me for three reasons: that's too personal to tell me, a complete stranger, you are naive or stupid beyond belief, you are lying.

And I didn't want to say any of that so I made mewling noises and looked at my watch and got out of there after a brief eternity. I mean I asked her if she had gone to the police, and so on...

She had some excuse, she was scared, whatever, who knows, who cares. No, I didn't believe her. She was probably an axe murderer herself.

I been off and on this site three times, I think four; I met a lot of women; always met them in well lit, busy; public places. Plus I keep my back to the wall.

It is a real consideration for women, especially if you have zero instincts like the above example. When you go out take your cell and tell a friend where you are meeting the man and that you will call at a prearranged hour and if you don't call your friend implements a contingency plan. Like first she calls you.

It's simple and that's what my ex did the first time she met me at Granville Island. She told me that afterward and I was impressed by her common sense. I was kind of stung too. I mean do I look like the type? But they never do.
 TDH49
Joined: 8/13/2010
Msg: 23
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 2:52:47 PM
I once pulled over on a dark country road to help a stranded guy out once . He was wearing a ski mask, had what looked like blood all over his white t-shirt, and had a butcher knife in his hand. I still pulled over without giving it a second thought, why? Because what is to be must be. When it's my time to go it's just my time to go. I refuse to live my life in fear of the unknown.

So my answer is a resounding no.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 24
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 3:00:48 PM
Ummmmm TDH, you're also a smidgen under 7 feet tall? most folks would think twice about pissing off a guy almost 7 feet tall

I'm sure if Yao Ming pulled over and tried to help the guy and the guy was thinking of jacking him, he would think twice vs someone who is 5 ft 7 ? no.
 bodypro88
Joined: 10/15/2011
Msg: 25
Would you pay for safety?
Posted: 10/28/2011 3:00:49 PM
That was Jason. But he was having an off night.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Would you pay for safety?