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 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 2
Being Needy and ClingyPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that, what a shame.

From what you said IMO you should seriously consider getting some help - and I mean that with the best of intentions.

Like the 38Special song " Hold on Loosely " says " if you cling too tightly , you're gonna lose control "



Good luck !
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 3
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 10:30:27 AM
Well, I had experienced your situation but the guy really did cheat on me so that is why I acted all that. In the end, I broke up with him because his cheating never really stopped at all until the day before we were about to go to the city hall to get married. He continued seeing the other girl after we broke up. I was burned to the highest degree.

Well, well, well, that is unusual that the guy is the one that is needy and clingy. Normally, it's us girls who are the clingy and the needy ones. You know if she really loved you, she would still stay. I guess that her love for you was not enough for her to stay with you. It's not a loss to you.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 4
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 10:45:49 AM
I guess I tend to end up on the other end of that. In my case guys tend to like me because I'm not the clingy or needy type and point out how great it is - and then when I remain that way it becomes a problem for them. It drives me crazy that someone would have an issue with me never changing. I certainly don't expect anyone I date to change - obviously I like them for who they are when I meet them...and hope it stays that way.

I don't know if it has anything to do with cheating per se, but I think (in my case) that men who say they want someone who is independent secretly hope they'll be the one to change someone who is into the same clingy needy woman they claim to have been dealing with before they met me.

I don't like clingy or needy. I don't have it in my DNA, I don't want to date anyone like that and I don't want someone becoming someone like that after I start dating them - to me that's worse cause I can't avoid it right away.

I do agree with the poster that said you should talk to someone. Not everyone will do the same thing that an ex did - and though you don't want to deal with it in a future relationship (which is totally understandable), you can't really avoid it by smothering someone. A big trait of health in any relationship is that element of trust - so in your case you should stop dating and work on that with a professional so you don't assume everyone will cheat.

Not doing so will cause you to keep starting relationships you assume will go badly. Why bother?
 VirtuallyLove
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 5
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 10:48:37 AM
It's funny, because I just started a thread about the dangers of revealing one's insecurities/weaknesses, and you're doing that in spades!

The good news is that by acknowledging this issue you have a better chance of addressing it. In this case, making a relationship work seems a bit to the side of the main issue - namely, your fear of abandoment. I'm guessing you might be better of working on yourself at this point now. I'm not saying that we can't work out stuff in a relationship (relationships have a way of showing us all our weaknesses!), but in this case it might be best to address your issues with a therapist or work on them yourself until you feel you're better prepared to handle the rigors of a relationship. Best of luck, Joe.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 7
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 11:47:37 AM
This isn't as over the top difficult as you think. I am assuming you have a brain and have the ability to distinguish fact from fiction and fantasy from reality.


But how do I push the cheating insecurity out of my mind.

By realizing who is putting those thoughts there and who is keeping them there. Unless you truly believe, 100%, with all your being, that you are psychic and have a magical ability to feel the truth of the world. It is just you making sh1t up.


Then again when there is smoke there is fire.

Again with the psychic stuff. Ever consider playing the lottery with those mad skills.


Maybe my motives were more real then I think they were

Maybe? Ok, so you were abducted by aliens and they implanted subconscious messages that are foreign to you and make you think and do things just outside of your understanding.

The point I'm trying to make here... even if it’s flawed, is that, just because you have a thought that does not make it real. Recognizing a ridiculous thought for what it is the first way to not let them control you. You have to literally believe you are psychic to think there is even an ounce of merit to these types of thoughts. Where you end up in trouble is that you must believe this and keep attempting to prove it which kind of makes you crazy. :)

Now..., have you ever noticed that when you start feeling this way you feel like you are missing something from the relationship? Maybe a little thing called, “giving a crap about how you feel." You put in the effort but maybe you noticed that you always seem to be alone in that effort. Yep. You probably were. Love or convenience? You tell me which one you were with. Doesn’t mean they were cheating but that clingy bug can get triggered by the aloof.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 9
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 1:07:18 PM
Sounds like you self sabotage the relationship. You drove her away w/your abandonment issues. Maybe you should talk to a therapst & take a break from dating untl you're ready, & have your issues worked out.

OP, As I read the post I see you are figuring things out. It looks like you are getting some clarity & insight as to what happened in your relationship. Best of luck to you.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 11
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 1:51:01 PM

So what I am getting from you is that the needy thoughts and paranoia were triggered from her actually not showing she cared about me?


It is a possibility. It could also be possible that you’re being possessed by evil spirits. :)

As for the other post saying that you should quit dating and have your issues sorted out. Yawn... I am assuming that is because only the truly and completely fully realized, self-aware, and enlightened people should ever even be allowed to form meaningful relationships or date. We all act or feel like this to some degree and if you don't I would strongly suggest therapy.

It is an unusual hurt that occurs when you are with someone that you care for and want to make happy and despite their surface actions they only return just enough to make themselves not feel guilty. It's like being hungry and only getting an appetizer. If you mention that you are hungry you get labeled as being deficient in some way. It's just a slight hunger so you push it down and let it go. It comes back. Instead of saying something you turn it into a gesture. You try something like a romantic dinner or an unexpected gift. You may get a thank you and a few minutes of attention than it’s over and then nothing. You feel it but can't see it. I think this is just normal behavior for some women. Maybe it’s a lack of empathy on their part. Maybe it’s being uncomfortable with feelings. Maybe it’s daddy issues. Who knows? I just know how it feels.

So, it can be because of something being wrong with you. It could also be something very real that is wrong in the relationship. When the only one that cares is you nothing you do matters.

How to avoid? Being psychic would help. The alternative is to also be like them and not care. What a rich and wonderful existence that would be.
 HelloSunset
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 13
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 3:42:13 PM
Joe, I can tell you from this woman's point of view; this behavior you mentioned is
very hard for a independent woman to handle. I was married a long time; and never experienced that.

After my marriage, I've met two clingy, needy men, that would
have been potential stalkers, except from outside circumstance that impeded that action.

I feel for you if you have these issues, and some cognitive type of therapy would likely do you worlds of good. You've done the first very important step, you realize your action is not healthy.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 3:54:11 PM
I spent most of my life with abandonment issues - which the OP may not have, of course. If you fear someone will leave you and you grow to love and depend on that person (assuming you stay in a relationship that long) that fear will kick in unless you learn to deal with it. If you can do so without therapy - great.

I had to learn that I would be fine whether someone was there or not - so that the fear of them one day leaving wouldn't freak me out when I started to get attached (and my situation was my childhood, not a past relationship - I'm less bothered by someone leaving me in a relationship situation). I still keep people at an arm's length, but not permanently. With me it takes longer to warm up but I tend to make better connections that way.

Getting therapy doesn't mean you're really messed up, it's not a harmful thing - it can't hurt really. The stigma of therapy being a sign you're really off the reservation is from the 1960s. Nothing wrong with a professional and objective opinion to help sort out post breakup issues (mostly if they are from before a relationship starts and show up as a pattern in more than one situation).

Fear of abandonment for me anyway came from a fear of not being able to do things on my own. Once I realized you don't have to depend on others for anything that fear is less realistic for me. That and I don't grow close to someone haphazardly - I choose who my closest friends and boyfriends are with time and care.
 monikat
Joined: 2/27/2011
Msg: 16
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 4:44:11 PM
I actually know where you are coming from. I too, seem to be needy and clingy. I met someone on here seven months ago and I am a very affectionate person and need to be loved, cuddled with and hold hands. I think that if you love someone, that is affection. Yes, everyone is different and shows their affection in different ways, but if you tell the person you need this kind of love and they dont really show it back - then there probably is a problem. I was cheated on during my marriage and lied to after only finding out after 27 yrs of marriage. I dont want this to happen again and I guess I find myself in a relationship now that I need more affection, but am not getting it back. What do I do?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 17
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:06:19 PM

It could also be possible that you’re being possessed by evil spirits. :)

This gets my vote
OP, I think that it just wasn't meant to be. Stuff happpens...

If you honestly feel that you are somehow or other getting in your own way when it comes to developing a healthy long-term relationship,perhaps you do need to explore that concern with someone who has the training to assist you.
Either that or find a shaman/medicine man to banish the evil spirits...
Whichever.
Cindy O
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 18
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:36:03 PM
maybe you should realize this...
if that b**** cheats on you, then she's a whore and certainly is not worth anything.
The only thing that you should feel bad about is that you didn't ditch her first and let her waste your time...
So, don't take it too hard, relax...
 The1Artist
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 19
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 5:54:32 PM
BeeEEWWwwaaAARRre the Ghosts of Relationships Past

Well this is perfect since Halloween is right around the corner, thus this is very fun, and very proper to do an article with a theme based upon one of the most well known creatures that goes bump on O’Hallows eve night. As the mere presence of these creatures is notorious to cause people to shake and shiver in their respective boots at just the thought of these intangible spooks. Regardless, I think by now you know I am referring to Ghosts.

And the reason I am using the concept of Ghosts in relations to my article, is because I wanted to describe how, we as people are often emotionally tormented by past relationships that are "dead" in almost every sense of the word and meaning. Yet still linger on to "haunt" us in the back of our mind, causing all sorts of havoc in any new relationship we try to create. And this behavioural phenomenon is what I call the "Emotional Ghosts of Relationships Past".

Haunting. That is what Ghosts are known for. That and these exceedingly elusive ectoplasmic entities are also known as the subjects of really bad movies. Except for Ghostbusters of course. That was a great Ghost movie I must say, or type as the case maybe.

Who You Gonna Call?!!!

Ahem. Sorry, geek moment, moving on....

Yet the very concepts of Ghosts, these annoyingly atrocious abnormal apparitions that haunt the living, are very much the same in regards to everyday situations that I see occur in everyday relationships. Including my own within the past, tragically enough. And considering, that many romantic relationships that do end, are in less than positive terms, these Emotional Ghosts of Relationships Past will linger to moan and groan within the darker recessed parts of the mind far past the "death" of the less than positive old relationship(s).

And therefore these Emotional Ghosts from Relationships Past will begin "haunting" the emotional realms of the new, once disturbed from their dormant states when given proper stimulation. Quite often acting as ghoulish reminders of the past, that then tragically, also quite often sabotages any new relationship that is trying to be formed. Causing no small amount of problems that will "spook" away the fainter of heart. Ending a relationship prematurely that may have held so much promise before it can really begin.

And I must say, these pesky problematic paranormal poltergeists can be incredibly difficult to exercise or expel from the shadowed ethers of the mind. Oh yes. They can be harder to remove than Slimer from an all you can eat buffet table without a proton-pack. As once these Emotional Ghosts are comfortably settled within the gloomy corners of your mind, effectively ready to "haunt" any new relationship, they greatly dislike being disturbed and will manifest to "possess" you in a very negative form. Often turning you into a now darkly twisted version of yourself, as you spew forth seemingly never-ending, noxious emotional vomit toward those that remind you of past bad love. And surprisingly, this is less desirable than most potentially romantic partners care for. Go figure.

And despite all hopeful desires to gain a new and positive relationship, any intentional or unintentional, situation or event within the new relationship that even remotely resembles a negative occurrence that within the past led to the ghastly demise of the old, will act as a grim reminder of past bitter love, and taint the new with the old. And just like in movies and television, most people that are confronted with Ghosts, will simply cower and become completely emotionally overwhelmed, or at a complete loss to really know how to banish these Emotional Ghosts from their minds.

Now one of the important things to realize is that there are very good reasons why we form these Emotional "Ghosts". As we are by nature, protective of ourselves, and therefore we actively try to prevent similar situations or events that within the past have emotionally hurt us from reoccurring. And by creating these "Ghosts", we are simply trying to protect ourselves from more emotional pain. This is perfectly reasonable. Yet I think there are a few "tricks" that will "treat" these subconsciously scary, ummm, uhhh, spooky(?) specters (hey, you try coming up with this crap), if anyone truly wishes to expel these Emotional Ghosts from a new relationship and free themselves from the haunting of the past.

1) When I enter a new relationship I remember that every relationship is different. And likewise, every person is different. Just so I can not judge the new partner’s actions unfairly based upon the negative actions of other women within my past that caused me emotional pain. As I know for a fact, any new relationship I am involved in simply does not deserve to be tainted or "haunted" by past bitter love. And in doing so, this allows me to not prematurely condemn those that may have similar traits with those that caused past pain that ended a previous relationship.

2) I remember to be fully aware of the past, and the actions that created any emotional pain or "Ghosts" to be formed that caused the "death" of the old relationship. By doing so, I remain alert and aware of any "signs" of potential problems within a new relationship that will likely cause the "Ghosts" in my mind to be disturbed. And this can go a long way in preventing a new relationship from being "haunted" by the past when you know what caused the Emotional Ghosts to be created in the first place.

3) I explain to the new partner after we have spent a reasonable amount of time together of course, what situations or events that I think exactly caused the "death" of the old relationship(s). Just so my new partner knows exactly what to avoid doing, or saying that will cause the "ghosts" in my mind to be disturbed, then shriek and rattle their chains. And if they know what to avoid imitating, then the likelihood of disturbing the Emotional Ghosts within the darker recesses of my mind is very low.

4) I realize that potentially everyone has their Emotional Ghosts from past relationships. So if someone reacts badly (Eg. spewing emotional vomit) to something I say or do, which may seem unreasonable (and gross) to me at the time, chances are, there is a very good reason for them to react "badly" in the first place. Therefore I easily forgive myself, and them for any negative reactions towards each other. Actively preventing any new Emotional Ghosts from forming and "haunting" our relationship.

And by understanding and following these basic guidelines for Emotional "Ghost-busting", a new relationship can be very free of being "haunted" after the "death" of the old. Allowing for a more positive, healthy, and loving relationship, which will hopefully "live" for many years to come.

Until next time, keep on Bustin'....


The1Artist
 kanlai
Joined: 5/13/2009
Msg: 20
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 6:05:24 PM
definitely, if you're in love, you couldn't wait to hear from each other....
that is unless you'd call her in the middle of an important meeting or keep in touch in such a way that gives her hardship and then freak out on her when she didn't reply according to your schedule. .....
Otherwise, she should be happy to hear from you just like a mother who is happy to hear about how her baby boy is doing. Just make sure your text messages/calls isn't in an excessive way, set a reasonable time limit per message/call that won't cause her hardship.
If she can't even deal with that, then she has to go...she doesn't really love you that much.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 21
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 6:43:05 PM
Rawr,
pretty much you said everything that I wanted to say. Couldn't have said it any better
 mindaberr1
Joined: 1/21/2008
Msg: 22
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 7:35:41 PM
This issue certainly lies within yourself. First all you must realize you do not NEED anyone. Its nice to have someone, but you do not need her. Why do you think you are having these thoughts is the first question to your self? Analize it and figure out the answer. Once you find the answer, tell yourself over and over again, the opposite without using a negative word. You must be repetitive in the mirror outloud many times daily. For example. if the answer is: you think you are ugly or not affectionate, whatever it may be. Tell yourself you are good looking with emotion, excitement.. I am good looking. Take not being affectionate.... tell yourself, I am very affectionate. DON'T say, I will learn to be affectionate.... say it like it already is. That is faith! Tell yourself, I AM VERY AFFECTIONATE! When negative thoughts flood your mind, recognize them and stop them by telling yourself you are the opposite.

You want to conquer your insecurities about yourself, when you do, then you will be able to have a relationship that will continue. Also, do you see yourself always attracting the same sort of person? We all do and its because our mind is a magnet. Whatever we think about, we attract. Its the same principle as "what goes around comes around". same thing... So, its all what and how we think, what we speak. In the Bible, nothing was created until God SPOKE the word, then things began to appear. Whatever you call yourself aloud or in your mind. Whatever you call others, You are speaking things into existance OR keeping them the same as they are.

I am still learning to recongnize my thinking and speaking and correcting it. If you do not believe, think on something bad or negative and see how fast it happens. Its works the same way in the good. Treat others the way YOU want to be treated! Practice good and right things and all will eventually become so much better in your life. Just prove it to yourself. It may take some time, that's ok, what do you have to lose? only the bad ugly stuff....
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 23
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/30/2011 8:03:07 PM
When in love, many men and women feel needy and clingy because, for some reasons, they fear of losing love and the other person. And the more one is needy and clingy to the other person, the more he/she would lose the other one and his/her love. I read somewhere: "Love is like sands in your hand. The more you squeeze your hand, the more sands slip through your fingers." I feel it's so right. If we could learn to apply this theory to our relationships, we could have more love, I think.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 25
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 10/31/2011 6:58:48 PM

Once you get into a relationship of mutual attraction this is never an issue. You'll get the constant reassurance you need to feel like your relationship is fulfilled.


hahahahaha. LOL. I read through and caught that line. You will never get constant reassurance to feel like your relationship is fulfilled. That’s total fantasy.

The rest of what you said about some couples being spending lots of time together and others not being able to handle that are relatively true.

Personally I would be happy with someone that even knew what any of this stuff even meant beyond a random rant with their friends or a childhood fantasy. Someone that actually spent more than 30 seconds deciding their opinion based on what their girlfriends talked about during 'girls night out'. Actually finding someone that thought more than 30 seconds about a lot of things would be impressive. Forum posters excused for the most part.
 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 27
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/12/2011 7:33:16 PM

We had so much fun together, untill this started. why ? I 'll
never understand.


You ended it soon after you, 'noticed' his behavior. Did you ever consider that you were not attracted to him and started ending the relationship before his behavior? You pulled away, he became concerned and was looking for some indication that you wanted a relationship. You didn't but couldn't come out and say it... You didn't like him any more.... You ended it.

That didn't make him needy. That made you not interested.

Sure... It wasn't what happened. Nope. It was alllll him.

Incredibly important behavior to see from relationships. The "not interested, you have a problem because you are interested effect."

Happy fishing.
 Simon4567
Joined: 10/9/2010
Msg: 28
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/12/2011 7:36:27 PM
YpsiJoe, you seem like a pretty smart guy. Being aware of it is the first step. Just work on dealing with the source of your insecurities (whatever that is) and it will be golden. Best of luck!

 cadnb
Joined: 12/6/2010
Msg: 29
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/12/2011 10:51:16 PM
Those needy clingy feelings are your signs that YOU need space from her.

The more you become needy and clingy, the more fixated you are on her. The more fixated on her, the more your life starts unraveling, as your life falls apart you'll need her to feel better.

Trust me, I've ruined the first few relationships this same way, until one of my girlfriends had the balls to not give in, not drag out a dead romance (which builds resentment and bitterness to the point of no return), and ended it promptly and with strength. After I accepted it was over (about a day) and removed her from my mind and future, I started to focus on the one person in my life who was desperately in of my attention, Myself. I was astonished at how much better I felt so quickly now that I was FORCED to have space before her and I could really hurt each other. Every single time I should have been recognizing my need for space and communicating it to my lover, I was obsessing. Constantly focusing on "us" and our problems, INSISTING they were the source of my unhappiness, the funny part is, most of the time the relationship was PERFECT. Boy did I change that...DRASTICALLY. Relationship after relationship.

Try it, the next time you experience anything like that, take space. Imagine you are single, what would be different, what would you do to occupy all the time you've spent needing and clinging, what have you been unaware that you were neglecting, what relationships with friends and family have you been neglecting. Im sure you can relate, but everytime my life has gotten rough and I was left alone by a girl who couldnt jump ship fast enough rather than stand beside me and support me, my friends and family where there, Regardless that I had been treating them like strangers for months or even years. Remember that.

One last thing I'd like to say is * i may be totally wrong, But according to my experiece* relationships go bad when we use them for something other than their intended purpose. I feel in my experience ive known much more men struggle with problems of neediness that women. We're brought into the world by a woman that adores us, whether were strong or weak. A woman that will single handedly put us back together when we break down, and love you even more. This seems to be very very very very different than every other woman. Although you urge to have this closeness, comfort and the relief to allow yourself be weak with this wonderful beautiful girlfriend, you have to remember that this relationship is not intended for that. That you can have with close friends and family. You must be strong for your girlfriend, shes put alot of her heart into you, its your duty to not lose yourself.

this is a subject i really sympathize for other guys about. Thats why i wrote such a long crazy response, sorry if im 100 percent wrong about anything but this is what I've learned has been the undeniable truth in my life
 cadnb
Joined: 12/6/2010
Msg: 30
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Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/12/2011 10:53:49 PM
"We're brought into the world by a woman that adores us, whether were strong or weak. A woman that will single handedly put us back together when we break down, and love you even more."

your mother if you couldn't under stand, i forgot to clarify
 fit2date
Joined: 9/18/2009
Msg: 31
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/12/2011 11:06:45 PM
Yup been there done that. I will never break that wall down again. If both of you do not have the same loving feeling for each other then one will think the other is too clingy. Back off and give her room, and realize that the relationship is about to end. End it well or end it terribly, either way it is over.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 32
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/12/2011 11:29:12 PM
OP: for your next relationship look for a very stable person and check out her past history. if she had any cheating going on in her past you may feel needy and clingly again. look for a woman who has not cheated.
i would also suggest some therapy to address your issue of neediness.'
those feelings could stem from your childhood.
 Arteest1650
Joined: 11/8/2011
Msg: 33
Being Needy and Clingy
Posted: 11/13/2011 9:14:40 AM
Do some personal inventory man, sounds like when you arent in emotional control you're getting self esteem issues that are creeping up. There is something causing this and well, you're the only one who can figure it out. Abandonment issues? I wish ya well with it.. its a tough way to feel.
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