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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > 5+ years single..how many of you out there?      Home login  
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 UniquelyPassionateCandy
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 1
5+ years single..how many of you out there?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
So here I am...I have been on and off POF for the last few years...I delete my profile when I really give up on the idea that there are ANY men on here looking for anything more then a fling. I have tried many avenues of dating..and have dated a couple of guys but none of them seem to want to commit. Is it just me? I am not sure. In 2012 it will be 6 years I have been single, and when I tell people that they almost look at me cross-eyed. For the first bit after I became single I focused on being a mom, and balancing it all. I have 2 kids, who aren't babies but are still dependent. Am I doomed to be single until my kids grow up? Perhaps...But, I often wonder if I am doomed to be single forever...They say, stop looking and it will find you, but being a mom with a job, if I stop looking there is little chance it will happen anyway. Anyway, I guess I am just wondering how many of you have been single for more then 5 years. Does that make me a freak because nobody seems to want to commit to me? Don't get me wrong, I have no issue finding guys who wanna date me...and the FWB type relationships...I even have guys from my past who have gotten a hold of me and wanted to hook up. But, I am honestly over it! I want more...and it seems nobody else does...
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 2
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 9:43:25 AM
Personally if you focus all your attentions on online dating you are bound for disappointments , online dating should be a tool to meet not the main avenue.

Try meeting people doing hobbies you enjoy, take dance class, night courses, something where there are men present.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 9:43:29 AM
It's just that nothing is easy. That's all.

At least, nothing is easy when you don't have EVERYTHING going for you, and almost none of us do.

I expect to be alone a long time too, of course a part of that is my long delay (due to the economy) in being able to finalize my divorce, but even then I expect that my challenges (different from yours) will make it tough to find a match.

As for your sense of doom, I had to get over that too. I figured out in my own case, that I was using the idea that I was doomed, to let myself off the hook for risking myself emotionally, and to avoid feeling foolish. Fundamental avoidance behavior. My depressions were like excuse notes from my mom, so that I didn't have to dress out for gym. As long as I was depressed, I had a perfect reason not to try to actually DO anything, and therefore I wouldn't risk finding out that I WASN'T as charming and desirable and as useful to someone else's life as I wanted to believe I could be.

So I would say two things: stay with it, AND don't depend entirely on a single dating site, or a single real-life place, to go looking for your mate-to-be.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 4
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:27:03 AM
You are not alone. I have been single for almost 10 yrs, since the death of my spouse. I have dated a few in that time but have yet to find someone who really wants more than the casual hook up as you mentioned. I don't depend on finding someone from this site, however, I have been on here for quite some time. I have had interested suitors but have yet to find the real deal. I still believe that he exists but realize he may not be on this site...or any other site for that matter. I believe if it happens it happens. In the meantime I am enjoying life and will continue to do so.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 5
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:30:10 AM
As long as you still think that it is "doom" to be single, you are not ready for a relationship, anyway.

So, your energy is probably best spent enjoying life and working on finding peace and happiness within yourself.

If after that you meet a man who is a good match, your chances of actually having a healthy relationship with him are going to be so much better.

And if not, you're already happy and peaceful within yourself, so you won't feel the lack of one so keenly.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 6
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:34:46 AM
I've been single most of my life. Never been married once. I'm doing just fine. If I meet someone that works for me great, if I don't - there are other things in life.
 UniquelyPassionateCandy
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 7
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:46:06 AM
It's not really a sense of doom...more of a, lack of optimism...and I don't use this as my only way of meeting guys..that being said though..when one is out with 2 kids, it is a rare thing that a guy will be interested ..just from my experience...and I definitely don't spend all my time focusing on finding somebody, between my job and my kids there isn't much time to focus on that. But, that is not to say on my evenings when the kids are in bed or my free days that it isn't a lonely feeling. Anybody that has lived with somebody, and had that even if they don't admit it...feels that lonely feeling.
 RockyDakota
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 8
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 5:54:02 PM
I have been down this road of being single for years, and it sucks. But it does wear down a persons confidence. The advice I can give you is to stop. Stop looking, stop thinking about dating, and do what makes you happy. You're going to get lonely and you're going to get frustrated, but just go do things you like doing. Your self esteem will come back, and guys will notice.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 9
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 6:16:49 PM
well.....I've been on my own now for 6 plus years and it certainly is NOT for a lack of trying!

I have met my fair share of liars, cheaters, users, married men masquerading as single, drug addicts, and the list goes on and on. - Which is why I have hung up my dating shoes and will never, ever get involved with anyone for any reason ever again. I will remain single from here on out.

And I am in total agreement with RockyDakota in the sense that it does wear down your confidence.

OP, I along with you get that wild eyed stare when people ask my how long I've been single as well and it's really none their business. - and I do not hesitate to state that fact.

I have just gone off and done my own thing....work, attend school, bowl a couple nights each week, and whatever else happens to cross my path. - and that's okay.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 10
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 8:41:09 PM
ro1970,

Along with that exhaustive list of bad men there is only one common denominator, you. Plenty of good men out there, you just choose the wrong ones. Figure that out and start dating again. Or you can continue to let the bad men control you.

What I've learned in 53 years is that the old Phil Collins song is dead right, you can't hurry love, you just have to wait. There is either a reason for your life and what happens to you or there is just chaos. If there is a reason, you could simply be waiting till someone gets to you, like a hunter sitting in a tree stand. : ) Boy, was that a bad example!

Assuming you have your issues sorted out and are emotionally healthy enough for a relationship, it will happen as long as you aren't going around with a frown on your face or packing tons of baggage. Get your life in order, live life like the person you wish to attract, be the kind of person you wish to meet and eventually someone will show up.

And the POF thing, well, it isn't really the best way to go about things. I sort through the pics on the "Who wants to meet you" thingy and have only messaged a handful in the two years I've been a member. Haven't searched the profiles in a long time and I could count the messages I've sent to new profiles on the fingers of one hand so far this year. I do get several "who wants to meet you" messages every week but few are what I'd consider a match or are too far away. I think that most people are doing the same, lots to choose from so to speak so you don't choose any of them...

So hang in there, live your life anyway with what you have. When the time is right things will change.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 11
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 3:44:04 AM
1776..........

Well.....what can I say????? I DO live my life the best I can and don't even worry about it anymore since that part of my life is over.

I just plain flat out don't date anymore. I come on here to just talk with friends I have made on here and post on the forums. I will be single from here on out and that's fine.

I can come and go as I please, don't have to answer to anyone, have no drama, am very educated,am professionally and gainfully employed, have much to offer, and can take care of myself.

It is what it is......the dating pond is full of sharks and I have pretty much decided to walk away from it.......You say there are plenty of good men out here???? I would like to know where they all were when I was out there looking around.......and trust me, I have asked the world over where one can go to meet quality people.......and the answer I usually get is........"I have no clue...." or "you tell me and we'll both know...."

I DO know you aren't going to meet a quality person hanging aroud the bar/party scene.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 12
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:15:13 AM
Anybody that has lived with somebody, and had that even if they don't admit it...feels that lonely feeling.

i've been married once, and i've lived with someone once. had a bunch of LTRs in between. at the moment, i've been single for what.... 2 or 3 years? not watching the clock you know. and you're right, i DO feel that lonely feeling....... for like 10 minutes, maybe once a month?? seems like less than that, really. but then i find something else to do or something else to think about and..... the feeling goes away just as suddenly as it came, and i'm like, meh!


so i guess the lesson in there is that if the only thing you can remember about your day is feeling lonely and then feeling bad about feeling lonely, pretty soon you are feeling bad about feeling bad about being lonely... to the point that you actually start writing it all down... blog, forum post, carrier pigeon, twitter, leather-bound journal, molotov cocktail, facebook update. you are pretty much guaranteed to make yourself miserable for the rest of the week. hello, IT'S JUST A FEELING.... move on.


It's not really a sense of doom...more of a, lack of optimism...

but being pessimistic about stuff that you don't have any direct control over is a waste of time. and you will never have any direct control over meeting "the one". so pessimism accomplishes less than nothing but anything that seems like "optimism" to you when it comes to getting a boyfriend is really just wishful thinking, and that's just another word for mental masturbation. so if your goal is merely to make yourself feel better between Point A and Point B, then you might as well be "optimistic"... and the worst thing you could possibly do is remind yourself about how you feel lonely.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 13
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:40:58 AM
I haven't been counting, but,because of this thread, I have to go back and think about how long I have been "single".I'm not counting the women I've dated for a month or so, cause, really, I was still single, just dating..........

Okay, done the math,it's been officially 14 years. That's not long,,,,,,is it???????

At one time, I almost had the same feelings as the OP did with being "single". But, those feelings STOPPED, as soon as I understood that there was no disgrace in being single, if the only other option would be being together with someone that doesn't "fit" into my lifestyle, my thinking, and my doing. I know,I don't "do" like most do "do". Thus, I don't expect a lot to be attracted to me. No finger pointing or placing blame, it just is, what it is.

Sure, I feel the odd lonely evening, or moment. Again, sure, those are the times I wish I could share them with someone. But, again, it would have to be someone that understood and thought along the same lines as I. And, if anything,as I age, things around me change, and people's expectations and requirements change,my chances are not getting "better".

I don't know the solution to the "lonely hearts" groups out there. There seems to be soooooo many people out looking or searching,but never finding another to fill that void. It is a void isn't it,,,,and we are trying to "fill it" are we not????? Maybe, just maybe, some of us have a void that just doesn't have the right "piece" that fits?????
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:55:43 AM
I have to agree with Motown, message 13 - once a month maybe 10 minutes or so, and then, forgotten. Come to think of it I'm not sure if it's a lonely feeling, or just gas. *shrug*
 PoeticPatriot
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 15
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:56:21 AM
Keep your head up, there's always someone for everyone.
 SoBayNative
Joined: 10/30/2011
Msg: 16
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 11:07:09 AM
I think it's your age. This is weird but my teens and twenties I couldn't get rid of all the men. Then suddenly in my whole 30's nothing. Seriously. Guys were looking for younger women or something. The whole decade was bad and lonely. Then my 40's and there's men all over the place again. I was really focused on my career in my 30's and I looked and felt older than I was (even though I've always taken care of myself I looked matronly) now I don't give a shit and I've aged well and there's men again. I think we all go through phases. This is yours but don't give up.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 17
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 12:23:26 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Im not so sure that's right.....I was 35 and starting over and there was nobody worth dating....I'm now 41 and it hasn't gotten any better.

where are you actually meeting these men who are crawling out of the woodwork? and are they really worth dating?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 12:26:42 PM
There were men all through my 20s and 30s. Doesn't mean I wanted most of em. I'll never take them just because they show up. I have to actually want one too. Could be a matter of viewpoint.
 AllenKirky
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 19
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 1:26:59 AM
You'll find that the universe often gives you what you NEED and rarely gives you what you WANT.
 brushbasil
Joined: 11/2/2011
Msg: 20
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 1:39:32 AM
the reason why there are so many single girls on here is there expectations are too high a 5ft girl looking for a 6ft tall guy so anybody under that she will not see.

if a man is 6ft tall and knows that is what she wants he will think she is just dumb like anybody else

or the women who has children but does not want to meet a guy who has

all the girls on here worried that they gonna meet a player so never actually get anywhere

too much damage goods on this site i have removed my pic as i am not ugly but not 1 reply to anything

take note girls they are more men in the world than girls
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 21
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 4:30:46 AM
^^^^ our expectations are high and
we are damaged? Hahaha!


I'll tell you what- I will date again but only
if I can get paid for it.

I need the money to pay for the therapy I will
need after dating one of you nice guys.

Fcck this. We come out damaged. Ohhhhh I
wonder why?????
Because people have agendas and you don't
know this until your knee deep in a shit relationship.

Five months single. My hand and I get along
just fine. It never let's me down, doesn't lie or
manipulate me and treats me with respect and
love. :)
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 22
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 6:58:48 AM

^^^^ our expectations are high and
we are damaged? Hahaha!


I'll tell you what- I will date again but only
if I can get paid for it.

I need the money to pay for the therapy I will
need after dating one of you nice guys.

Fcck this. We come out damaged. Ohhhhh I
wonder why?????
Because people have agendas and you don't
know this until your knee deep in a shit relationship.



Boy ain't that the truth!!!!!! I am with you Curly! I like the way you think!

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 8:09:55 AM

You'll find that the universe often gives you what you NEED and rarely gives you what you WANT.

Well, then in my case the universe must have been telling me I "needed" to date less.
 SoBayNative
Joined: 10/30/2011
Msg: 24
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 8:30:26 AM
where are you actually meeting these men who are crawling out of the woodwork? and are they really worth dating?

Well, to be brutally honest, I gained a lot (huge) amount of weight due to health problems and then lost it. And it wasn't easy believe me, in order to lose weight I must stick to a 300-400 calorie diet (people with thyroid disorders will know what I"m talking about.) But for various potentially serious health reasons I have to keep my weight down. So it's not really a choice. I make an effort with my clothing and hair and makeup which I didn't do in my 30's as much as now. I was far more limited in what I could wear.
And that's your answer, painful as it may be to hear. And yeah, some are worth dating, others not. I meet more of them in real life nowadays after years and years of being told I was unapproachable to the point of rudeness. I had to change my attitude which was hard because I was shy. So it's a combination of things.
 pirateheaven
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 25
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 8:31:48 AM
There is a lid for every pot.
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