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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > 5+ years single..how many of you out there?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
It's just that nothing is easy. That's all.

At least, nothing is easy when you don't have EVERYTHING going for you, and almost none of us do.

I expect to be alone a long time too, of course a part of that is my long delay (due to the economy) in being able to finalize my divorce, but even then I expect that my challenges (different from yours) will make it tough to find a match.

As for your sense of doom, I had to get over that too. I figured out in my own case, that I was using the idea that I was doomed, to let myself off the hook for risking myself emotionally, and to avoid feeling foolish. Fundamental avoidance behavior. My depressions were like excuse notes from my mom, so that I didn't have to dress out for gym. As long as I was depressed, I had a perfect reason not to try to actually DO anything, and therefore I wouldn't risk finding out that I WASN'T as charming and desirable and as useful to someone else's life as I wanted to believe I could be.

So I would say two things: stay with it, AND don't depend entirely on a single dating site, or a single real-life place, to go looking for your mate-to-be.
 carelesswhisper00
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 3
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:27:03 AM
You are not alone. I have been single for almost 10 yrs, since the death of my spouse. I have dated a few in that time but have yet to find someone who really wants more than the casual hook up as you mentioned. I don't depend on finding someone from this site, however, I have been on here for quite some time. I have had interested suitors but have yet to find the real deal. I still believe that he exists but realize he may not be on this site...or any other site for that matter. I believe if it happens it happens. In the meantime I am enjoying life and will continue to do so.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:30:10 AM
As long as you still think that it is "doom" to be single, you are not ready for a relationship, anyway.

So, your energy is probably best spent enjoying life and working on finding peace and happiness within yourself.

If after that you meet a man who is a good match, your chances of actually having a healthy relationship with him are going to be so much better.

And if not, you're already happy and peaceful within yourself, so you won't feel the lack of one so keenly.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 5
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 10:34:46 AM
I've been single most of my life. Never been married once. I'm doing just fine. If I meet someone that works for me great, if I don't - there are other things in life.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 8
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 6:16:49 PM
well.....I've been on my own now for 6 plus years and it certainly is NOT for a lack of trying!

I have met my fair share of liars, cheaters, users, married men masquerading as single, drug addicts, and the list goes on and on. - Which is why I have hung up my dating shoes and will never, ever get involved with anyone for any reason ever again. I will remain single from here on out.

And I am in total agreement with RockyDakota in the sense that it does wear down your confidence.

OP, I along with you get that wild eyed stare when people ask my how long I've been single as well and it's really none their business. - and I do not hesitate to state that fact.

I have just gone off and done my own thing....work, attend school, bowl a couple nights each week, and whatever else happens to cross my path. - and that's okay.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 9
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/5/2011 8:41:09 PM
ro1970,

Along with that exhaustive list of bad men there is only one common denominator, you. Plenty of good men out there, you just choose the wrong ones. Figure that out and start dating again. Or you can continue to let the bad men control you.

What I've learned in 53 years is that the old Phil Collins song is dead right, you can't hurry love, you just have to wait. There is either a reason for your life and what happens to you or there is just chaos. If there is a reason, you could simply be waiting till someone gets to you, like a hunter sitting in a tree stand. : ) Boy, was that a bad example!

Assuming you have your issues sorted out and are emotionally healthy enough for a relationship, it will happen as long as you aren't going around with a frown on your face or packing tons of baggage. Get your life in order, live life like the person you wish to attract, be the kind of person you wish to meet and eventually someone will show up.

And the POF thing, well, it isn't really the best way to go about things. I sort through the pics on the "Who wants to meet you" thingy and have only messaged a handful in the two years I've been a member. Haven't searched the profiles in a long time and I could count the messages I've sent to new profiles on the fingers of one hand so far this year. I do get several "who wants to meet you" messages every week but few are what I'd consider a match or are too far away. I think that most people are doing the same, lots to choose from so to speak so you don't choose any of them...

So hang in there, live your life anyway with what you have. When the time is right things will change.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 10
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 3:44:04 AM
1776..........

Well.....what can I say????? I DO live my life the best I can and don't even worry about it anymore since that part of my life is over.

I just plain flat out don't date anymore. I come on here to just talk with friends I have made on here and post on the forums. I will be single from here on out and that's fine.

I can come and go as I please, don't have to answer to anyone, have no drama, am very educated,am professionally and gainfully employed, have much to offer, and can take care of myself.

It is what it is......the dating pond is full of sharks and I have pretty much decided to walk away from it.......You say there are plenty of good men out here???? I would like to know where they all were when I was out there looking around.......and trust me, I have asked the world over where one can go to meet quality people.......and the answer I usually get is........"I have no clue...." or "you tell me and we'll both know...."

I DO know you aren't going to meet a quality person hanging aroud the bar/party scene.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 11
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:40:58 AM
I haven't been counting, but,because of this thread, I have to go back and think about how long I have been "single".I'm not counting the women I've dated for a month or so, cause, really, I was still single, just dating..........

Okay, done the math,it's been officially 14 years. That's not long,,,,,,is it???????

At one time, I almost had the same feelings as the OP did with being "single". But, those feelings STOPPED, as soon as I understood that there was no disgrace in being single, if the only other option would be being together with someone that doesn't "fit" into my lifestyle, my thinking, and my doing. I know,I don't "do" like most do "do". Thus, I don't expect a lot to be attracted to me. No finger pointing or placing blame, it just is, what it is.

Sure, I feel the odd lonely evening, or moment. Again, sure, those are the times I wish I could share them with someone. But, again, it would have to be someone that understood and thought along the same lines as I. And, if anything,as I age, things around me change, and people's expectations and requirements change,my chances are not getting "better".

I don't know the solution to the "lonely hearts" groups out there. There seems to be soooooo many people out looking or searching,but never finding another to fill that void. It is a void isn't it,,,,and we are trying to "fill it" are we not????? Maybe, just maybe, some of us have a void that just doesn't have the right "piece" that fits?????
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 12
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:55:43 AM
I have to agree with Motown, message 13 - once a month maybe 10 minutes or so, and then, forgotten. Come to think of it I'm not sure if it's a lonely feeling, or just gas. *shrug*
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 13
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 12:23:26 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Im not so sure that's right.....I was 35 and starting over and there was nobody worth dating....I'm now 41 and it hasn't gotten any better.

where are you actually meeting these men who are crawling out of the woodwork? and are they really worth dating?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 14
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/6/2011 12:26:42 PM
There were men all through my 20s and 30s. Doesn't mean I wanted most of em. I'll never take them just because they show up. I have to actually want one too. Could be a matter of viewpoint.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 15
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 4:30:46 AM
^^^^ our expectations are high and
we are damaged? Hahaha!


I'll tell you what- I will date again but only
if I can get paid for it.

I need the money to pay for the therapy I will
need after dating one of you nice guys.

Fcck this. We come out damaged. Ohhhhh I
wonder why?????
Because people have agendas and you don't
know this until your knee deep in a shit relationship.

Five months single. My hand and I get along
just fine. It never let's me down, doesn't lie or
manipulate me and treats me with respect and
love. :)
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 16
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 6:58:48 AM

^^^^ our expectations are high and
we are damaged? Hahaha!


I'll tell you what- I will date again but only
if I can get paid for it.

I need the money to pay for the therapy I will
need after dating one of you nice guys.

Fcck this. We come out damaged. Ohhhhh I
wonder why?????
Because people have agendas and you don't
know this until your knee deep in a shit relationship.



Boy ain't that the truth!!!!!! I am with you Curly! I like the way you think!

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 8:09:55 AM

You'll find that the universe often gives you what you NEED and rarely gives you what you WANT.

Well, then in my case the universe must have been telling me I "needed" to date less.
 mizzouchick38
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 18
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 10:24:51 AM
I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm on 8 years of being single now. I admit I did not even try to date for the first 4 to 5 years because of my kids but then I threw myself into dating. Wow...I could write a book because as my friends say...you can't make this stuff up lol. I'll try this for awhile and then get just fed up and take a break and then come back. This does take a toll on your self-confidence but you can't let it get to you. I have finally realized that my friends are right...and I hate to admit that...but you will find someone when you least expect it. In the meantime, not putting too much into this....I'm here and maybe something will come of it and maybe it won't. But, just gotta keep on trying. And find things to keep you busy because when you are feeling lonely, at least in my case, is when I pick the worst guys! But I definitely am learning! Hang in there!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 20
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/7/2011 4:57:32 PM

^^^^ our expectations are high and
we are damaged? Hahaha!


I'll tell you what- I will date again but only
if I can get paid for it.

I need the money to pay for the therapy I will
need after dating one of you nice guys.

Fcck this. We come out damaged. Ohhhhh I
wonder why?????
Because people have agendas and you don't
know this until your knee deep in a shit relationship.

Five months single. My hand and I get along
just fine. It never let's me down, doesn't lie or
manipulate me and treats me with respect and
love. :)

I you!!!!

~OP~ For the past 11 years post-divorce, I've had several short-term relationships. They've had the shelf-life of milk more often than not. Well, let's say 90 days on the average. The first 5 years? You couldn't have begged me to be in a "relationship." I was so frickin' happy to be un-married that the mere thought of being tied/attached to one person made my skin crawl. Of course, that's changed now, but the truth is? I don't usually worry too much about if/when it'll happen for me. I no longer think in terms of all the years being on my own, I think in terms of what I can do in the next year to enjoy my life. I'd prefer to have someone amazing in my life than being perpetually on my own, but amazing is not easy to find. So I'm just doing what makes sense to me: living my life on my terms and remaining open to the opportunity should it present itself. JMO
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 21
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/10/2011 9:08:50 AM
Going on 10 years for me, and I still wonder why so many seem to have this need to belong to someone, or tied to them so much that you are considered owning them......

It takes a few years to establish yourself if you have been married or in a relationship for many many years. Counseling, self help groups, encounter groups, on and on that help you lay that foundation for being comfortable with yourself, like yourself, and then be open to maybe allowing yourself to like others as they enter your life.

Once there, I find the most viable partners, are the ones that have allowed time to be their friend with healing, and not looking to have someone take care of them, and much more to just enjoy that equal while you share adventures and life together. Does it work....sometimes, but for me, I have seen many come and go over the years because they either wanted more than I could or would give, or needed things I was not ready to offer.

There is nothing right or wrong about it, or those that tried with me and me with them, but just another try at enjoying those that I think will bring a smile to my face, an adventure to share, and a journey we can do together. If you try to make it all about the destination, and that is to be married again and life happily ever after........you set yourself up for frustration and failure.

I say work hard at liking yourself, enjoying what you have, and then being even happier when others come into your life and add to it. It does not really matter the length of time that you share with significant others, but much more the quality of having that equal enjoy you as much as you do them..........no matter the outcome.

cd...........
 dulcheprimaveta7
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 22
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/10/2011 10:33:27 AM
I'm kind in the same boat. I know is easy to get discourage.
but the last thing I want to do is blame myself.
Instead I tried to get busy so I don't have to think about this too much.
Maybe is time to learn more about myself.
There are so many fun activities like bike riding, hiking, traveling around the world, spending time with family, friends.
Maybe joining a nearby church as a volunteer could be a good way of finding people with similar qualities.
And is not true that love will come knock at your door , it takes a little bit of work to find it. Nothing is easy.
Stressing oneself for this is not worth our health girls. Lets not spoil precious time when we are sorrounded by this beautiful world. Lets enjoy it.
 ro1970
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 23
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/12/2011 4:56:51 AM
Well......since I have been on my own now for 6+ years and don't see that changing, - and believe me, it hasn't been for lack of trying.......

I am going to shift my focus and go for another master's degree as I have been accepted at a good university. - I have been taking courses the last couple years for personal enrichment and have decided to take on another degree. - why not? If I am going to leave this world alone, I might as well be somewhat educated............

I can take the courses online and work too.

This time around though, I can totally focus on that....the first time I went to grad school, I was working 2 jobs, six days a week, was in a serious relationship, and was traveling 250+ miles one way to attend the weekend intensive courses that were offered. - and during this time, my ex was working 2-3 jobs at any given time and going full time to finish his bachelor's degree. - Talk about a 7 year course in insanity! - That was really hard, but I did it.

This time around I'll only be working one full time job and taking the courses online and can take more than 2 in a semester and finish in maybe 2-4 years. - On the whole, it wouldn't be bad.........
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 24
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/12/2011 6:34:03 AM
Asked for a divorce in June 2000

Divorce final September 2003

4 Eight to twelve month relationships during these 11 yrs

Now im looking at being alone.. I try to date.. as i miss sex.. (and affection).. but find very few I am attracted to..... Celibacy.. :((.. It is what it is.
 jpwrnglrwmn_forumsonly
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 25
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/19/2011 11:08:57 AM
I've been on and off this website for almost 5 years now. . joined another free website, and met a couple of people from there, but nothing substantial to speak of. Actually, I met someone (not from here) that is a great person, and if we were compatible, would have stayed together. My experiences off this website. . .thumbs down. Due to working different hours (start work in the afternoon, leave at night), and to the fact that I'm rather on the reserved, quiet side, coupled with the fact that I'm at the age where most of my friends are married/and or expecting kids, makes it a little difficult to meet people. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will probably be single for the rest of my life. I know there are much worse things in life that one could face, but sometimes it is really hard to remain optimistic about finding someone.
 modestodusty
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 26
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/20/2011 1:22:54 PM
9 years.... I'm saving myself for the one I love. Sounds corney...but it will be worth it.
 Magina314
Joined: 1/9/2011
Msg: 27
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/20/2011 6:40:12 PM
Yeah, frankly online dating is generally a tool utilized for "flings".

I never assumed, nor will I ever believe that I could find "the one" on a dating website, I mean come on. It's called dating for a reason, it isn't marriage. What do people do when they date, well I guess it depends on what they believe in.

IE: Waiting for sex (3rd date, couple weeks, marriage, etc)

Alot of people here are truely ****ed in the head right, so it's difficult to say whether or not they would be even be compatible material.

So answer the question, are you too here to look for a fling? People want to have sex to see if they "click" together, that's all. Generally the relationship can wait, wouldn't you agree? I mean would you want to have a relationship with somebody for a lengthy period of time, just to find they that they were lousy in bed?
 whiterose222
Joined: 9/19/2010
Msg: 28
5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/21/2011 5:19:44 PM
I have been reading all the posts, and sometimes, I feel sad that some one is feeling the way they are, but, you know we are in control of our destiny to some degree. For example: I used to attract, well, for a lack of better word, jerks, until I realized I was being a magnet for them. At the time, my life was a mess, not that I thought a man would be the cure, and that certainly isn't the case, but, I had just broke up with my
ex and my self-esteem was in the basement. I was upset at myself for letting things go too far, so, I started losing weight, did walking, yoga, went to the library, Bible studies, got my hair done...lol , even waxed my eyebrows! I read up on dating, and how to understand men, but, still keep loving ourselves. I won't tolerate anyone putting me down, and judging me to their standards. We must have confidence in ourselves first, and that right person will come along sooner than you think.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 29
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5+ years single..how many of you out there?
Posted: 11/26/2011 8:56:58 PM
I’m feeling a little melancholy this evening. I had a second date with a very attractive woman. I was just starting to feel some excitement there, and had reason to believe the feeling might be mutual. This was the first time in quite a while that I really thought I might be starting a relationship, more than just dating.

Somewhere during the course of the evening, I blew it. Not even sure what I did, I thought things went well, but at the end of the evening when I started talking about next weekend, she started making excuses. Excuses without offering alternatives is a sure sign you have veered off track, that the other party is no longer feeling the attraction. Damn shame, and I’m a little saddened.

But I will pick myself up, dust off the sand, and go forth again to do battle on the field of love. This is the first time in quite a while that I had that feeling of excitement. The older I get, the harder it is to find the excitement, the less often it happens. But I will not give up.
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