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 Fireflyfrm
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 1
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Dealing with POF rejectionPage 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I have only been on POF a couple of months but I have felt so much rejection from guys. It seems that more than often I send a nice note to a person after reading a profile and more times than not I get notes like "I have met a nice person and plan to see what happens". I feel if they have found someone they need to GET OFF POF. If I felt "I had met someone and plan to see what happens" I would expect that person to stop searching.
I am an honest, dependable, hardworking, love to travel, fun and sexy person and that is what guys say they want but that is not what they seem to really want.
How do other members deal with the rejection on POF? Give me some support here....PLEASE.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 2
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 7:20:38 AM
I feel for you, believe me. I lived in a small - though not as small as Beggs - town in OK when I joined POF. Very few of those who claim they are looking for a long term relationship really are. They are mostly looking for a steady weekend date, when it's conveniet for them, who lives within a block or so. I found maybe a handful of men who would have suited me in the whole state, and not one was interested in anything other than the occasional email or phone call. Once I suggested that one man and I meet, after about a year of phone calls and emails, and suddenly I became a stalker, a bunny boiler, and he blocked me on the site.

Online is not real, for most men and women it's a game, they're looking for perfection, not 'Mr or Ms Right for me.' It's like looking through a shiny new catalog chock full of goodies. Or going to a meat market and drooling over a fine filet, then getting nothing because either they can't afford it or don't know how to fix it, but if they can't have what they think they deserve, they won't settle for a sirloin instead.

I did become more or less friendly with some of the people there, mostly through the forums, and from time to time we check in with each other. But one man who said it was a real shame I lived so far away (about 100 miles) ended up flying to Europe and finding someone there. The others are all either happily married now or about to be, to people they met in real life.

Don't take any of it personally, that's the last thing it is.
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 3
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 7:39:40 AM
Dear Firefly,

My general advice? If you are sincerely "here" to find genuine friendship and/or love, read as many of the threads on this forum that you feel "ready" to read: they have represented an invaluable learning experience for many other people (including me) who share your reasons for connecting with POF.

Some of what you will read is not easy to process, let alone to absorb. Reality is not always easy to handle. But if you are open and willing to receive the learning shared by the experiences of literally 1000's of adults in this forum alone, you'll have some (certainly not all) answers to your questions/concerns.

If you'd like more personal reply, feel free to send me an e-mail. While i have not found My Someone ----- yet ----- it's been wonderful to find many Special Someones along the way of my own search:) And for these people of sympathy, empathy, social conscience, integrity, wit courage, determination, and grace, i continue to be very thankful
 worknovertime
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 4
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 7:41:09 AM
Do not use POF as your primary means to meet people. You will always be disappointed.

Join meetup.com look for groups near you.
Get out and do the things you like to do.
You will meet people in Real Life.

You are going to meet the men you want to meet if you are out in the real world.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 5
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 8:23:00 AM
A couple months on POF is nothing. I finally found the man of my dreams last November and I'd been on here since June 2007. I'd met quite a few men during that time and most are still good friends. They may not have been my match but most have gone on to find the one for them. I know quite a few couples who have met through this site and it does work. One thing they all have in common is that they don't take it too seriously. They are looking for friendship and if something more works out, then it's a bonus. When you take away the stress and craving to find 'THE ONE', you become more relaxed and it becomes a much more enjoyable experience.

We've all had rejections. If every time we met someone and wanted to see how it went and closed our acct, we'd be redoing our profile weekly. Very few close their accts until they are in a serious, longterm relationship and are not interested in keeping up with online friends or participating in the forums. Both my fiance and I still have our profiles here but we also have stated that we are engaged and not interested in meeting anyone for a romantic purpose. I enjoy the forums and he communicates with many of the friends he's met online here. He is their male sounding board... 'What do you think this guy meant when he did this?' or 'Do you think he maybe trying to dump me easily?'. It doesn't bother me that he has female friends he communicates with and it doesn't bother him that I love to gab on the forums and keep in touch with male and female friends on here.

This is not just a DATING site... it is also a SOCIAL site and you need to accept that and not expect people to close their account as soon as they meet someone. Sounds like the guys who've responded to you have been gentlemen who are letting you know what is going on. I'd prefer that to the famous 'No Reply'.

Hang in there. There are lots of good men on this site. Not so sure about Oklahoma though... my ex lives there and if he's any indication of the men there, you are in BIG TROUBLE!!
 luvmtgolf
Joined: 9/2/2011
Msg: 6
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 9:06:00 AM
Classic one for me......The guy posted that he was 60. I thought he looked fabulous for his age and told him so. I wasn't looking to date him at all. His reply was that he was not interested at this time. I laughed out loud. Was going to email him back and let him know his ego was larger than life, but just let it go. It was pretty hilarious though.
You've had some good advice so far. I particularly enjoyed the gila or alligator skin.
Laugh them off and chalk it up to one more fish that wasn't worthy of catching.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 8
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 10:59:49 AM
You are here for all the wrong reasons if you think that POF will solve your dating and romantic problems.

If you feel bad and rejected because you have sent out some emails showing interest, and not hearing back, or if you do, they let you down as best they can, imagine how most men feel because they are expected to do the messaging and pursuing......

Try using this site as one of many ways to be out there for others to view you, talk to you, and maybe become a friend, and if something more happens, be happy about it. Many of us have no illusions about POF or any dating site, as a way to fill our date card week in and week out, and we use the site to stay in touch with friends, talk with others that may not be available any other way, and just relax, not expecting our soul mate to show up at our door step.......

This site is no different than going to the grocery store and seeing tons of people shopping, and maybe one will stop you and ask a question, or you will them, but there are no guarantees from that point on, and if one believes that the grocery store is a good way to date, then they can feel the same about POF, instead of thinking that it exists to buy groceries.....

cd.............
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 9
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 11:38:19 AM
When you take away the stress and craving to find 'THE ONE', you become more relaxed and it becomes a much more enjoyable experience.


Right on ForumFilly.

OP ... you are taking this site too seriously.

Just because someone has listed on their profile traits that you think you have
It doesn't mean that you hold the magic wand
Maybe they do not find your physical appearance attractive.
That's just the way it is.
Do you find all the men who write to you attractive?
I don't think so.

To me your coming off too desperate
Like you need to be with someone .... any one.

That is not a good combination

Learn to be happy with you first.
 Buckets_of_Sky
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 10
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 12:20:22 PM
Oh dear, please don't let this site define you, even for a single minute. If you spend ANY time in the forums you will quickly discover what a mixed-up, crazy, desperate, misguided and yes deceitful and just plain mean bunch of hopeful darting fishies occupy this pond.
Keep in mind this is just a distilled version of the outside world.

I promise that after awhile all of that angst that you have will be but a distant memory. Just be yourself and damn the the torpedoes!

 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 11
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 1:55:21 PM
firefly ... please don't take it personally or feel rejected when you've put some effort into writing a note to a man who doesn't even bother to respond ... when I've done that and he doesn't even bother to say, "no, thank you!," I remind myself, "well, thank goodness he didn't respond ... I don't need someone that rude in my life!"

I rarely initiate contact with men any more ... 75% to 80% haven't even bothered to respond ... I suspect some of the men MY AGE (oldern dirt) consider it insulting to be approached by a woman (the whole caveman/king of the castle syndrome), the whole ego/superiority thing going for SOME of the older men ...

some may be thinking I'm too old (while still younger than they are!) ... or too fat (still slimmer than many of them) ... or whatever! who knows?

I have gone to multiple meet-greets with men ... and not progressed to a dating situation with more than two of them ... it's hard to find a good fit!! I, too, live in a small town ... mine is in central (rural) California ... I've seen most of the guys I've dated walking down a street, in shops, etc.!

rejection can be painful ... if you let it be ... so I don't let it be painful! I laugh and say, "whew ... I dodged a bullet on THAT one!" and let it go!

good news is ... I'm only looking for ONE man ... if I had a clue where he was, what he looked like ... it would make the search easier! but the quest is part of the fun!

 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 12
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 3:36:47 PM
Speaking as an expert on rejection (the receiving end), I have 2 words for you:

Ice cream.

Seriously, though....this site and others like it can definitely get you down if you let it.
As you will continue to find out, people online are long on fake talk, and short on genuine action.
That line about having met someone is just that....a line.

Keep connected to real life as much as you can.
 JAD2011
Joined: 1/9/2011
Msg: 13
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 3:51:58 PM
I am in the same boat with you OP.

But ... I don't even rate the "I'm sorry" notes in response ... most of my emails to guys are totally ignored.

I'm not a troll ... not horribly disfigured ... I have a good personality, great sense of humor and I'm not butt ugly for pete's sake. LOL

So I can totally get where you are coming from and while I don't have any idea how to help you deal with the rejection ... I have personally decided to just read and respond on forums ... and wait for the man to email me and go from there.

I pretty much have stopped trying so actively.

JAD
 Fireflyfrm
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 14
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 3:54:31 PM
Thank you Evskupr! Thank you for not being so judgemental. BYT I am NOT desperate I do agree I don't have thick enough skin. I either need to change my attitude or remove my profile.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 15
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 4:59:39 PM
I agree that one way of dealing with the rejection is to ... stop trying! that'll solve THAT problem!

initially when I posted my profile, I was egged into doing it by a relative who did most of it "for" me ... and I forgot all about it ...

some time later, I remembered Plenty of Fish ... someone sent me an e-mail maybe ... and I became all gung-ho to find someone to spend time with ... to travel with ... go to concerts with ...

THEN reality hit and I got to where you are now ... frustrated with the rejection ...

so I hit the forums and haven't really looked back!

occasionally, some one will contact me ... or I'll read a particularly interesting post and comment ... I've made a few good women friends thru the forums ... I've heard from someone will invite me out occasionally ...

but ... ehhhh ... whatever ... I'm now here for the forums ... if friendship finds me thru PoF, I'll be thrilled ... but ... otherwise ... I'll look for someone in "real life!"



edit: I HAVE been encouraged when fellow PoFers ... from the forums ... you know who you are ... have found love ... way to go!!! and congratulations!
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 16
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 5:12:12 PM
OP..people are using POF to meet people. Some of the people they meet are nice, some to them, are worth putting more effort into getting to know.

Just because you're on here, and talking to a few people, doesn't mean they are exclusive to you. This is the type of venue that you are dealing with-it affords you the ability to meet many people (that join). You've not done anything wrong, and from what you have said, no one has "done you wrong", they are following normal dating standards.

This is how POF, and other services like POF, work.
You have the availability to meet numerous people.
Some avail themselves to meeting as many as they can, others kinda latch onto the first one they meet, and work that one out completely before they go on to meeting someone else.

At least they are being honest enough to let you know that their interest has centered in on someone and they are working towards that.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 17
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 5:16:23 PM
Just the other nite, I politely explained I was dating someone and wanted to see where it was going to go...He called me a joke and a player..Should I have said I didn't find him at all attractive? You can't win for losing sometimes...
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 18
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 5:24:19 PM
Love the forums--it is where you really find out about people. You aren't likely to meet anyone near enough to date, but you can fill some time and in a strange way, feel companionship. My only "complaint" is that the over 45 forum doesn't "move" very quickly and a lot of the other forums drive me nuts (was I that naive at one time? Oh, yeah!)

I've mostly used the site to read in the forums. I've sent emails to guys and have been ignored, or, if we get to exchanging emails and then I say, "Hey, let's meet for coffee," it's *poof.* I figure that means I scared them by being too bold, they are actually married or otherwise involved, or they have misprepresented themselves online. In any case, they are doing me a favor by disappearing--if they are timid or married or liars, I don't want to waste time on 'em, anyway.

Many, many people on these forums are married or misrepresenting themselves. Don't ever let yourself develop strong feelings for someone you haven't met in real life (IRL) because that is the quickest way to disappointment. Use POF-sponsored events to meet people--women, too, b/c a network of friends can really help--and definitely join meetup--tons of fun. Think of this as just another way to develop a network and you'll do fine. Good luck, and hang in there. You are a lovely person and do not let this site lead yout o think otherwise!
 daffie
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 19
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 5:27:58 PM
ff...you need to step back a little and not take pof so seriously.

after all, how can you feel rejection so personally when you are being ignored by a complete stranger? it's not as if you're going to run into these people at the local coffee shop.
tell yourself it's their loss and move on to the next guy.

there are genuine people here looking for the same as you are. there's also a lot of dreamers and fantasists...just like real life!
you may eventually find a man you like, who also enjoys your company, but certainly don't rely on pof...or any other site..to instantly gratify your needs.

if you're going to rely on online dating sites for your future happiness you'll need patience and a helluva lot of luck!...
 cupper3
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 20
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 7:55:29 PM

Do not use POF as your primary means to meet people. You will always be disappointed.


Really?

I better tell that to my son who met his wife on POF, and now has a son of his own.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 8:35:40 PM
Yeah, when they say that, but still actively on, consistently, they're just being nice to you. There technically could be some truth to it -- they could be thinking "Well, I already have my mind primarily in one direction, but she's not good enough to trump the one I'm engaging with."

How do you deal with rejection? Well, you could do something crazy... like replying "Thanks for that info... I know it can be hard juggling two things at once when it comes to Dating. To tell you the truth, and as wild as it sounds, I'm also looking for no strings attached sexual activity. Heck, I'll give a BJ in the back seat of my car, at your convenience, no questions asked. I'm just looking for excitement with no drama or strings. You in? Say tonight @10PM at the Ramada Inn parking lot - in my blue Chevy? Text me at ----." The blue Chevy would be your gay male friend's car description. So when one of those guys shows up, as soon as the car door's opened, the gay friend can say "Not telling the truth is a ****, right??"
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 22
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/6/2011 9:44:35 PM
Op.

POF is one dimensional, life is multidimensional...so it is easy to get confused and disappointed on here. Let me explain, if you were out and saw a couple..would you approach the guy and say Hello, Im so and so..no cause you could see that he was involved with someone else at that moment.

However POF is like seeing a guy sitting alone ...you don't know if he will be meeting someone soon or if he is really alone so you take a gamble...

Now I will be honest and admit I have told men I was not interested in that I had recently met someone cause it is easier to let them down that way then what it is to say Im sorry I am not interested...so please understand there is no reason for what one person will find attraction and what another will want ...but I have to say I do admire you for having the courage to actually email men; I am way to skittish for that...

I joined meetup and liked that fact that it is a group of people doing things together and so you don't have the stress of a one on one situation and yet you still can go out and do things and not sit home bored.

Remember it only takes one but you have to shift between lots of people to find that one! Good Luck to you.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 25
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Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/7/2011 11:15:21 AM
As others have pointed out, dating in a rural area is much harder than in a large, metropolitan area.

You might want to go over to the Profile Reviews forum for a "tune-up". I just did a quick read through of your profile, and you do not sound like fun. I'm not saying that you aren't fun, I'm just saying your profile sounds too "solemn".
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 26
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/7/2011 11:27:09 AM
OP, here's my advice ... NEVER and I mean NEVER initiate messages to the men on here. Especially men close to your age -- they believe there's a hot 20-something chick out there who wants to boink them and is willing to overlook their bald head and beer gut. And as much as men profess to like women messaging them, 98% of them really don't. They want to do the chasing. And I know I'm gonna stir up a sh*tstorm by telling you this, but I'm speaking from my personal experience.

I used to send out messages when I first joined, but I can honestly tell you that I haven't initiated a message in many years and I get an average of 3 messages a day. But like some of the other posters said, don't use this site as your primary form of meeting people or the rejection will become unbearable.

And as far as people deleting profiles when they've met someone, that ain't gonna happen. People will hide them, but they'll continue to look for something better. They're likely just trying to nicely blow you off by telling you they met someone.
 chowe1948
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 27
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/7/2011 6:51:15 PM
Oh too funny....
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 28
Dealing with POF rejection
Posted: 11/7/2011 7:29:14 PM
OP: Please, do as I do, as I judge success by the ones who say yes to my messages, not by the ones who say no. The rejections roll off me like water off the back of a duck. It takes time to meet the one and remember online dating is much different than real life. If you have been out of the dating game for very long, boy have things changed.
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