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Joined: 10/20/2010
Msg: 1
The Heart Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
First I'd like to ask everyone to be sensitive, from all that I've read on here people can be harsh and hurtful sometimes, keep it positive! Life's too short to be angry and treat others bad!

My question is a little bit different, if you had a medical condition (not contagious, lol, but genetic- heart defect) and you might not live as long as other people. In fact let's say you might die in the next 3-10 years and it cannot be fixed now. My dad died when I was 31, so that's average time. How soon should that be brought up in a relationship/dating? And should it come up at all? Would that affect how you feel about a girl if she told you that?

On one hand no one wants the pity party, on the other hand it's important to be honest. Everyone wants to be happy and enjoy life. And for now nothing is keeping me away from it. Although in the past, I have realized that I think of time more than others I appreciate today more than other, look forward to tomorrow more than others. And sometimes people say it's not normal to be so happy, to do so much. That's why my last relationship ended, he wanted me tow ait for him till he will figure out his career, do all the other stuff. So I felt like I was on a waiting list for a boyfriend, saw him only once a week, sometimes he'd call me. It didn't feel right. is it just me who wants to live and enjoy today? In a sane way- salsa, dancing, traveling, restaurants and of course work that makes you happy. I love what I do.
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 2
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 2:46:46 PM
you have a positive attitude.
no one knows when their time will come.
some people are ill and kind of know.
others are in accidents.

live each day to the fullest.

if i met someone who was going to die early, yes, i would want to know.
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 3
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 2:47:19 PM
You were right not to wait.
No matter what your condition.

However as to your condition,
I would only mention that to guy when you are dating.
Let him make his choice then.

For great day in love.... is worth more
than countless ones without.

God bless
and good luck.
Joined: 8/21/2010
Msg: 4
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 2:47:28 PM
Oh don't worry, we're nothing if not sympathetic.

My dad died when I was 31, so that's average time.

The above is a little confusing. Did your father have the same condition that you have? How old was he when he passed? I think that would have more to do with the topic than your age.

I might step off the curb tomorrow and get smucked by a bus; none of us know how long we have on this plane. It's how we choose to live each day that matters.'

That being said, it's best to be up front with someone you may get involved with so that they know there might be some medical problems in the future.

But again, remember my bus analogy.
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 5
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 2:49:15 PM
Hi, definitely not something to bring up on the first date but it should be brought up if it's someone you can see a relationship with. I wouldn't let that get in the way of getting to know you and possibly starting a relationship. If I fell for you it definitely always be in the back of my mind wondering how you were that day. Most guys wouldn't let this get in the way of getting to know you. You never know you could live to be 100:) I won't let the future get in the way of what I'm doing today. Continue dating and when you find someone you like enough to share that with them, if they don't want to stick around they weren't the one for you. Stay healthy GL:)
Joined: 10/20/2010
Msg: 6
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 2:50:57 PM
I meant my dad died when HE was 31. I'm only 28 now. :-)
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 7
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The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 3:04:46 PM
Then be as vibrant as you can be, enjoy each and every day as if it were your last, and allow those you want to be around be around you.

There must be many things you want to do, and people you want in your life, so why wait for them to come to you, and you just decide to go to them and live life as the adventure and journey, and not the destination. We all face that final destination, some know about it, some understand it, and some just prefer to not think about it and live every day as one of enjoyment, and leaving this place a little better than when you arrived.

You are good looking and can have much of what you want, even if the one thing you can not have will haunt you often, there are many that would consider it a privilege and a pleasure to know you, enjoy you, and be there for you as you need them. Look for those and what they have to offer, and remember, the only person you owe an explanation to, is yourself!!

Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 8
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 3:37:03 PM
It's like that movie Untamed Heart. I mean I'd bring it up but hope to God you have a hopeless romantic. Someone who understands...someone who is quick to jump into a relationship. If a girl that was interested in me told me that, and I was interested in her I think I'd probably remove all stops and make sure that I enjoyed the relationship as much as physically possible. Of course I'd keep projecting that movie on to her. I think you should bring it up when you feel that it might be something long term. Whenever you feel that's the time to do so.
Joined: 9/9/2011
Msg: 9
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 3:45:42 PM
I think it should be disclosed the moment you think there s a possibility of more. You may as well get it out of the way before any sort of real feelings or attachment comes about. You need to live life on your terms. The right person will have to fit into your life. If not, then they are simply not right. If the love is pure and true, they will be with you knowing what is in store in the future. I am not sure if you will find that on this site. Being attractive will provide you with lots of candidates. Weeding through them will be the hard part.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 10
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 3:56:06 PM

How soon should that be brought up in a relationship/dating? And should it come up at all? Would that affect how you feel about a girl if she told you that?

I think that rather than ask that question, I'd probably try to figure out how date and what kind of relationships would best be suited for me, e.g., I wouldn't be looking for someone to marry. I think I'd be living in the present as much as possible and see dating and and relationships the same way, so that I wouldn't be expecting the issue to come up.
Joined: 10/20/2010
Msg: 11
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 4:31:45 PM
on one hand, yes, on the other- no. I'm not looking for one night stands, because that's just not who I am. Do I wanna get married again? I don't know because I know marriage doesn't change anything. Do I wanna fall madly in love? Hell YEAH!
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 12
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The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 4:46:15 PM
If you have a health issue that will shorten your natural life span, then yes, yes, yes let the person you're dating know as soon as possible.

No point carrying on with someone who doesn't have the strength of character you may need one day. Then again, make sure you have it in case they need it one day.

Crap...there's no absolute on making it across the street on any given day....not one of us comes with a "live to (insert age here) guarantee".

Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 13
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 4:54:58 PM
Well, something as serious as "this will probably end my life in 3-10 years" should, in my opinion, be mentioned sooner rather than later.

To fall in love with someone.. be in a loving relationship with them.. and find out later that they knew this all along and didn't share would somewhat hurt.

To speak generally.. most people generally DO get hurt when they're in a relationship and something important the other person kept hidden from you comes up, no matter what that important thing is.

I would wait at first, though. Doesn't have to be first date talk. But absolutely mention it before there is a deep trusting and loving relationship. You kinda blow some trust if you hide things.
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 14
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 5:29:46 PM
I would want to know as soon as possible...I hope to find the one I can sped the rest of my life with.
That said, I'm also realistic...if I met someone like you describe and fell for her it would not prevent me from dating her seriously, maybe even marriage...I would hesitate to have children for many reasons...mostly having to do with the child being affected by the loss.
Some might consider my thinking as one of wasted time...I feel the only thing we really own in this world is our memory and experiences...being loved is never a waste of time...even if short lived.

I'd rather have a few great loves than one mediocre love.
Even with my relationships that ended poorly...I maintain the positive experiences from them...maybe it's just my hopelessly romantic side...
Joined: 10/9/2011
Msg: 15
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 6:16:08 PM
OP- I believe you should tell the person as soon as you feel comfortable with the person. Just so that they will be aware of what may or may not occur. You may be around for the next 50, 60 years. Nothing is written in stone. But, I like your way of looking at life. Everyone should have such a great attitude. :o)
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 16
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 6:54:29 PM
I'd say put it right in your profile. Weed out the people who wouldn't be okay with that right away.
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 17
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 7:27:17 PM
i admire your attitude to your situation
I believe you should tell your intended when in your mind he dose become your intended.Also the possible ramifications to any children as this looks to be genetic.
You do not indicate if you have children why?
As to the misconception that Sydney is not the best city in the world...WELL
Joined: 9/22/2010
Msg: 18
view profile
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 7:35:47 PM
First I just want to say I am sorry. I wish we spent less money on the military and more on research and development on disease and health issues... :(

I'd say put it right in your profile. Weed out the people who wouldn't be okay with that right away.

This would work if you are comfortable with it.. but again it really comes down to your intention (as Ableian pointed out).

I absolutely don't think you should let this stop you from dating or falling in love. I think you should bring it up the moment you feel things are starting to get more serious.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 19
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 7:48:29 PM

I'd say put it right in your profile. Weed out the people who wouldn't be okay with that right away.


Don't do that!

Live for today.
If you meet someone along the way and it looks like it may become a relationship, then tell them.

I understand your concern about your father.
And you are getting closer to his age of death, and it is weighing more and more on your mind.
Don't let it.
Because that happened to him, does not necessarily mean that that will happen to you.

My father passed away when he was 44.
When I turned 40, I thought for sure my life would also end at 44.
It really affected me.
Put me on edge,
Made me think that I had no right to live longer then he did.

This is all in your mind.
You have to get out of this mindset.
Possibly talking to a professional will help you deal with your emotions.
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 20
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 8:09:45 PM
You are raising a deeper philosophical issue (which unfortunately is a real issue for you).

You have obviously learned to balance the two aspects since you began dating? One is the need to share one’s limited life expectancy which could potentially drive away people that are seeking longer term relationships and thus lose someone with whom you could truly develop a meaningful relationship. On the other hand, the desire to let things develop naturally and let a relationship evolve on its own merit, i.e. mutual compatibility and mutual attraction.

When I tried to put myself in your shoes, I really did not have any answer. My intuition tells me that you probably deal with this dilemma on a case by case basis? I mean you judge the maturity, spontaneity, sensitivity, and the depth of the man you are dating and then decide if and when he can handle such delicate information? Am I close?

You are a brave soul discussing this in a public forum and I commend you for your strength. I am sure your own internal guiding light will continue to help you in making the right choice in this regard. Best wishes.....
Joined: 7/2/2007
Msg: 21
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 8:26:06 PM
If you told me in your profile it still wouldn't stop me from dating you.

If I could have only one day in my life with a woman I truly loved, it would be worth it. If I lost you the next day I'd go on knowing I had that one day... and it was the second best thing I could ever have hoped for in life (the day my son was born was my happiest day, sorry but nothing has ever topped that day and I don't think any other day ever could)

Tell them up front, a good man won't walk away over it.

Don't worry about it, you'll be fine by being upfront and honest... it will even give you peace of mind knowing you did, this way you can move onto enjoying the time you have with men and not have that stuck in your mind whether he would leave you or not once he found it.

Be honest and open from day one, trust a man... to be a man about it.

Besides, its a great way to weed out the losers... maybe we could all use a heart condition for dating reasons... In a way, you're the lucky one of us. You have a better chance of meeting a truly wonderful person with a loving heart then the rest of us.

God bless you...
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 22
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 8:41:10 PM

How soon should that be brought up in a relationship/dating? And should it come up at all? Would that affect how you feel about a girl if she told you that?

Noone business; unless they are thinking marriage.

I be it would come up eventually though; when you talk about why you wish to accomplish so much in such a short time.

P.s. May you have a long and HAPPY life; while you're here.

Joined: 10/20/2010
Msg: 23
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 9:22:18 PM
See, I do not see relationships and love like most people. For most people life is simply a road- smooth and well planned: they are born, go to school, university, degree, good job, money, house, car, great girl/guy, marriage, kids and mediocre happily ever after.

I don't see things that way, because I believe relationship, kids, marriage, it cannot be a goal itself. First there has to be love and that doesn't have anything to do with who you are or what you have, when you love- you love.

I've had great relationships in my past, first 5 years was great huge gigantic can't live without each other love, which ended because he couldn't give me what I wanted at the time. Second one- another 5 years, guy could give me and I got everything I wanted including beautiful engagement ring and a dream wedding dress, but it was nowhere near to being great love.

Having those experiences, I know I will take love and spark over average dating/relationship/marriage any day. Because nothing compares to it. And most people never find that. I've been lucky that way.

If you've seen the movie- "Love and other drugs" you'll understand what I'm talking about.

This summer I met my second mindblowing sparkling guy. We're not together because of the distance, we're not in the same country, but like he said: what we had was so awesome, awesome doesn't even cover it. Moments like that are really worth living for.
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 24
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 10:08:17 PM
So have you told him or is it because of him you are asking?
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 25
The Heart
Posted: 11/10/2011 10:14:37 PM
You pose a tough situation as others who are looking to date, aren't really looking to date someone for a few years beforew they pass. This said, I would mention it to him after you've net and have gone out a few times.

Would that affect how I feel about her? All that would do for me is make me see that I should not expect a long lastin relationship but to ME, that would be fine :)

Enjoying the here and now is what life is really all about.
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