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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > When to tell your date that you have a FWB?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 1
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?Page 1 of 34    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34)
I've had a FWB for several months. We've been friends for a long time. He doesn't have time for a relationship right now due to his job, so our arrangement works. He knows I continue to meet men because I do want a relationship, but I am not having sex with any of these guys. I told my FWB that I'd tell him first if anything developed. However, I have not told anyone I've met that the FWB exists.

So my question is: When would you tell them? Before meeting? Before a second date? I don't like hiding things from people, but most men won't understand this arrangement.
 Kitten189
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 2
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:24:25 AM
Ive just read a Thread where the guy dumped this woman he'd been chatting to because she told him she had a FWB........................

I dont know what to tell you,Op................honesty is the best policy and all that but i think a lot of men wouldn't be 'impressed'.
It'll be interesting to read peoples' viewpoints.
*Edit* Thankyou,Buckets - that's the Thread i was referring to.......................
 Buckets_of_Sky
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 3
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:30:57 AM
Shall we follow along to see what is said about this?

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14806462.aspx

Boy howdy, you must be getting a lot of action because as soon as you mention your FWB I would think that most men would bolt, and I wouldn't blame them.

Why would you feel the need to tell strangers about that relationship? It is almost like telling the clerk at the dry cleaners about your buddy. You, of course, maybe mighty proud of the fact that you can have sex with a man without the messy emotions and can't wait to share the news; but put yourself in that potential LTR's shoes and see how it fits? I would probably wait until things were much further along in your new relationship before dropping the bomb; but before that I would tell my FWB to stay away for a bit to see how things progressed with my new friend.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 4
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:36:03 AM
First of all, Msg 3 ... I'm not so proud of this fact that I wanna shout it from the rooftops. I agree it's kind of a sticky situation. And I also agree that I'd probably run for the hills if a guy told me this. I'll probably just continue to keep my mouth shut unless and until something serious develops.

For the record, I did tell one guy and he asked if I'd dump my FWB and have the same relationship with him. And he actually admitted this is the type of relationship he was really looking for, but put long term on his profile so he'd look legit. What does that tell ya?
 Buckets_of_Sky
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 5
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:46:33 AM

For the record, I did tell one guy and he asked if I'd dump my FWB and have the same relationship with him. And he actually admitted this is the type of relationship he was really looking for, but put long term on his profile so he'd look legit. What does that tell ya?


It pretty much verifies what I already suspected, but oh well, some peoples kids. I can usually figure out that game before being told however. On the oft chance that there really is someone out there that is looking for a meaningful LTR and I might just run into him, I will keep on doing the dance, as I am sure you are as well. It is a game of numbers I'am afraid.

BoS
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 6
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:51:04 AM

So my question is: When would you tell them? Before meeting? Before a second date? I don't like hiding things from people, but most men won't understand this arrangement.

I tend to view FBs and FWBs as those time fillers we opt for when we are NOT seeking something of substance. I'd personally not find myself in a position to have to explain or divulge or confess or whatever one calls it when telling a potential romantic partner about my sex life. If I'm not in a position to venture into a sexual relationship with someone I'd like to have a relationship with? I'd not be looking for a relationship. Hypothetically is in that position? I'd let it be known early on. If that would detour some, OK ~ so be it. I just see no reason to invite such dramatics into my life. I can easily live without sex. However? If someone amazing appeared in my life and I had to explain my FWB? I'm not so sure I'd want to live with the regret knowing I didn't have to explain that had I not been doing it. But to each their own. Everyone sees this their own way. JMO
 BegrabMeinHerz
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 7
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:03:11 AM
One would assume that your FWB would end when you found that relationship your looking for so what would be the point of mentioning it unless you don't want to give up that FWB.

Try to imagine what kind of impression that would make on your dates if you told them. How many different conclusions do you think they would instantly come up with when you mentioned your FWB.

Total honesty is not a must in this case.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 8
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:09:08 AM
Read this post (just a few up for yours) ...

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts14806462.aspx

I would advise NOT to tell him anything.
It is none of his business, until the both of you have the exclusivity talk.

Then you have to decide if you would like to move forward with this man and leave your fwb behind.

Choices will have to be made.
And those are your choices.
 VoxClamantis
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 9
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:11:37 AM
I'd keep it quiet.

Most guys would resent being made to pay for what they want when someone else is getting it for free.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 10
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:16:29 AM

For the record, I did tell one guy and he asked if I'd dump my FWB and have the same relationship with him. And he actually admitted this is the type of relationship he was really looking for, but put long term on his profile so he'd look legit. What does that tell ya?


Not at all surprising since the men I dated from here were looking for a friend with benefits. I sometimes think romance has somehow died on the vine..

I would probably stop seeing your FWB until you find that special one.. However I am not you and you plan on retaining that relationship . I think your solution is fine to keep your mouth shut until something serious develops. However you could well destroy your new relationship however that is a chance you have chosen to take.

nativerock
 topspeedvw
Joined: 11/4/2005
Msg: 11
view profile
History
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:49:16 AM
You are quite correct most men will not understand the situation even through quite a few would not mind have a friends with benifit. You can always tell him on the second date...use it as a tool to weed out the ones that are not open minded. Use it to your advantage.
 aboutgettingby
Joined: 2/18/2011
Msg: 12
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:00:23 AM


I've had a FWB for several months. We've been friends for a long time. He doesn't have time for a relationship right now due to his job, so our arrangement works. He knows I continue to meet men because I do want a relationship, but I am not having sex with any of these guys. I told my FWB that I'd tell him first if anything developed. However, I have not told anyone I've met that the FWB exists.

So my question is: When would you tell them? Before meeting? Before a second date? I don't like hiding things from people, but most men won't understand this arrangement.


Happy trails to you, until we meet again.
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 13
view profile
History
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:03:20 AM
OP,This is the fella from your “Why do we all work so much” thread right? My schedule runs 56 hour rotating shifts on top of that I’m making a four hour drive once a week to help my aging mother with her appointments, bill paying, shopping, yard work etc. could I squeeze in time for a relationship, you bet if I cared for the woman and she could tolerate my schedule.

If you told me you had a friend with benefits and you were casually dating me I’d be out of there so fast your head would spin..
So if you must continue boinking the FWB who’s NOT your friend keep it a secret and dump his butt no contact when you find a real man!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 14
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:06:39 AM
Personally, I would only have a fb or fwb if I was NOT trying to meet other people. I dont care what anyone says these 'arrangments' are still relationships, and I dont date while Im in a relationship...even if it is a doomed one to begin with.

I would not date a man who was seeing someone as a fb or fwb either.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 15
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:25:10 AM
So my question is: When would you tell them? Before meeting? Before a second date?

If it were me, I'd expect the fwb to be gone and that you had cut all ties with him by the time I met you in person. Then, you wouldn't be obligated to say anything. Before meeting in person, what you do is your business. Once we meet, your chances for a relationship other than casual sex would drop to zero if you hadn't cut ties with the fwb by the time we met.

I don't like hiding things from people, but most men won't understand this arrangement.

Since I don't like people who do hide things from me, once I found out (and I'm pretty sure I would figure it out eventually), you would be history, regardless of how long we had dated. If you're going to date, you should be free and clear for a relationship unless all you are looking for are casual sex partners. At least with casual sex partners, cutting ties is straight forward.

I'll probably just continue to keep my mouth shut unless and until something serious develops.

That's a bit too late.

It is none of his business, until the both of you have the exclusivity talk.

Actually, it's my prerogative to decide that it WAS my business and walk out sometime later on when I found out I'd been dating a woman who was sleeping with someone while I'd been taking her out on dates. It may theoretically be none of my business, but that's not going to persuade me to see it that way once someone decided to pursue a relationship.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 16
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:33:21 AM
Msg 15 ... Maybe I wasn't clear enough. Any time I agree to meet someone, it isn't a "date" -- it's a meeting. I pay my own way so I'm not using the guy -- even if it's for a cup of coffee. If we decided to go forward with a relationship, I would end the FWB thing. But why should I end that if I don't have a sure deal with the new guy?

You're certainly entitled to your opinion, but we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.
 carptopus
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 17
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:33:42 AM

When would you tell them?

I would not be in a FWB RELATIONSHIP.
Because it's still being in an intimate romantic relationship with someone else.
If I was "serious" about finding a romantic partner/date/relationship whatever I would end my FWB first.



I don't like hiding things from people

IMO having a FWB while dating is the same as someone living with their ex they are "separated" from.




most men won't understand this arrangement.

IMO most people "understand" it.
It's usually the people that are in it tend to marginalize it and think it doesn't really matter or basically sit there and rationalize it in order to make sure no matter what they do it is "good."




he actually admitted this is the type of relationship he was really looking for, but put long term on his profile so he'd look legit. What does that tell ya?

It doesn't really tell me anything.


But why should I end that if I don't have a sure deal with the new guy?

Because there is no such thing as a sure deal in relationships.
So all you are doing is sabotaging anything "serious" from developing.
Which means you are no different than any guy on here that is simply looking to hook up.
Instead of hooking up for sex, you are hooking up for social validation and gratification.
One night relationship emotional fulfillment stands.


This guy had long-term on his profile to hide the fact that he was really looking for a FWB relationship. He has long-term to make him look more serious, but if he can find a FWB, he'd be happier with thatAnd why is it OK for men to do this but not women? Aren't we all equals?

Most people agree "cheating" is bad.
You are in a relationship with someone else.
That relationship isn't fulfilling in this aspect you are using daters for.
So you are going outside of your relationship to scratch that itch that isn't being fulfilled, while maintaining and going back to the relationship you have.

Would you meet up with a guy that was married if his wife told you it was okay?
You are obviously committed on some level to the FWB, otherwise you wouldn't have any problem just dropping him. If it was "really" just a traditionally or harshly defined "FWB" then the guy really wouldn't care if you just stopped seeing/banging him to focus on your dating life situation which would make the "should I tell them" question moot.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 18
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:36:53 AM
"he actually admitted this is the type of relationship he was really looking for, but put long term on his profile so he'd look legit. What does that tell ya? "

Really?

Let me clarify: This guy had long-term on his profile to hide the fact that he was really looking for a FWB relationship. He has long-term to make him look more serious, but if he can find a FWB, he'd be happier with that.

And why is it OK for men to do this but not women? Aren't we all equals?
 tjl503
Joined: 9/29/2011
Msg: 19
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:37:44 AM
You simply don't tell him about it and if it's gets serious you just cut off your fwb situation. Telling a guy you're interested in that another guy is having sex with you wouldn't sit well. Just make sure that you do cut off the FWB
 getanet
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 20
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:51:01 AM
How do you think it will go over when you tell a guy? Is this something guys usually like to hear? "Hey, I get together with another guy just for convenience sex, but you're gonna have to wine and dine me before you get any." Good luck with that.
 jmy2x
Joined: 1/4/2011
Msg: 21
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:51:29 AM
I think...

1. Someone has a right to know if they are dating a sexual partner who is not being sexually exclusive.
2. You have no obligation to inform someone of your arrangement before it's clear that there is real relationship potential, as long as there has been no sex involved.
3. Despite 2, it wouldn't be right for you to string a man along for a month or two without sleeping with him, and then suddenly say you have a FWB.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 22
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 10:03:18 AM
Army Mom - firstly I enjoy your posts.

Curious though, when you're going on these meetings what's the mindset? For instance, are you solely seeking inaction with an adult outside of your job / circle of friends? The reason I ask is personally online dating hasn't borne fruit for me; so I rarely email anyone and pretty much am a forum junkie. But I have gone on POF events just for the interaction aspect.

As for devulging your sex life to a stranger, I don't see why you'd want to.

Cheers,

G
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 23
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 10:24:27 AM
Hi Latin_fm_Manhattan ... Glad you enjoy my posts. I do wish people wouldn't interject what they think I'm thinking or put their personal spin on things, but this is the way the forums work I guess -- especially when someone posts something they view as "game playing."

As for your question, I don't really have a particular mindset when I meet someone. I meet them with an open mind and try to determine whether we have enough common ground to move forward. The FWB is not a situation I've ever found myself in until recently, nor would I ever do it again. And I would end it in a heartbeat if I met someone who I felt I could have a long-term relationship with. But in the interim, why f*ck up a good thing? My FWB and I aren't "dating" -- there's no relationship other than sex. So I've decided to just keep quiet unless and until something develops from one of my meetings.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 24
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 10:30:15 AM
Army Mom you are awesome. LOL.

There you have it in my humble opinion. The FWB is your business plain and simple, and yes "why mess up a good thing?".

By the way, if you could bottle your current situation and sell it you'd be a billionaire (presuming you're not already.).

Cheers,

G
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 25
When to tell your date that you have a FWB?
Posted: 11/14/2011 10:46:31 AM
Well I don't think you need to tell you date anything, If you start seeing him and you have a arrangement with your FWB to end it so be it, does your date expect you to be virgin? Im sure he's probably had or is currently in one too. I don't see it as hiding anything, its not of his business just like if he has a FWB its none of yours, what matters if you are both on the same page.

When you're dating and you stop " seeing" your FWB , and you decide to be exclusive you do what other mature clients do, you get tested together and you're giving a clean bill of health and you enjoy the new relationship , why talk about past relationships?

just my opinion
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