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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 goodguyinbc
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 1
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?Page 1 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Honestly, I don't understand. Why is it so difficult for an honest man to find an honest woman looking for a long term relationship?

I just ejected from a chat with a woman, she was very nice at first, we asked a lot of the initial questions, and she said has been single for 3 years and is looking for a long term relationship. But then she got to how a lot of guys on POF are just looking for sex, and then she goes on about how she has a FWB, but is really wanting that special someone. In my point of view, a FWB is a relationship, just without the emotions.

I'm getting tired of the games being played. I am looking for something meaningful and long lasting, between only two people. Why is that so difficult to find.
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:32:14 AM
what are you going on about? this woman was completely honest with you. would you have preferred she kept her fwb a secret, and told you after you started having sex together?
 justin5502
Joined: 9/13/2011
Msg: 3
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:39:57 AM
As a man, if you don't have one of these three things, you have to be willing to be a 2nd or 3rd option with the hopes of being the loser she finally settles down with...

1. Big penis

2. Good looks

3. Money

Not in that order, necessarily. You probably don't have any of those things, so you have to hope some woman gives up on her dream of having a true 1st option.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 4
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 7:50:29 AM
you know.. ive never ever had a FWB's

I cant say there would be NO emotion if i ever go that way. Because that person would have to truly be my friend(before benefits)

BUT.. if i were still fishing for true love while enjoying a friend and his benefits... i would NEVER disclose this to a potential date.. lol..

Just like i would NEVER disclose I was talking to other men.(cuz i am if i am not exclusive)
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 5
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:04:42 AM
Sounds like this woman has foot in mouth disease.


In my point of view, a FWB is a relationship, just without the emotions.


You are correct about that.

What your lady friend has is a way of releasing her tensions.
With someone who is a willing partner.
Hopefully this partner and her are exclusive.

In the mean time she is searching for someone who can provide her with the emotional portion
along with the benefits portion.
Then she will release the fwb, and have what she wants.

Sounds simple to me.

Do you expect someone to live a fully chasteful life until they find the one they want to be with?
If you do, then this type of woman would not work for you.

What I do question here ...
Is the fact that she had to tell you about it.
That was stupid.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 6
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:17:08 AM

1. Big penis

2. Good looks

3. Money

Clearly you haven't dated as a woman!!! Try finding two of those three items in ONE man. It looks simple in print, but I can assure you ~ if all of us ladies here were looking for those three things? We'd have all deleted our profiles years ago, got 6-7 cats and called it a day. (Dear me ~ stereo-typical thinking. It's the kiss of death for many men out there ~ you may wish to rethink how you view women. You just might end up with one if you do that. Just a suggestion.)

~OP~ The problem isn't the ladies. The problem is thinking as you are. So she has a FWBs? Does that impact you in any way, shape or form? She's a total stranger to you. What she does in her private life is her business at this point in time. FBs and FWBs are not uncommon. They aren't some sign of someone being a "slut" (augh...I hate that word) nor is it a sign she's trying to play games. She very well may want a long term relationship ~ that doesn't mean she's finding what she's looking for. JMO
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 7
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:18:04 AM
TDH49:
...she did tell you about her sex life am I correct?. Are you worried about the competition?


Actually, I would be. If I was dating somebody and we got romantic, hot and bothered, I would be concerned she might end up saying, "Not tonight. My FWB fvcked my brains out earlier. I need a break." Also, the more sex partners she has, the higher the risk of STD's. I don't expect to be dating any virgins, but I don't expect a woman I'm dating to keep a FWB hanging around to bang her when I'm not there.

Turn the question 180 degrees and ask: how many women would be OK dating a guy who has a FWB? I don't think anyone has to take a poll to find out what the consensus would be.
 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 8
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:30:20 AM
maleman
part of what you said gets to the heart of the matter for this post.
you said
i don't expect a woman i'm dating to keep a fwb hanging around to bang her when i'm not there.
the op is not dating this woman, he was chatting, had not met her
so, there you go
he can't lay his expectations on her
kaylee
 JP1111
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 9
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 8:43:00 AM
A FWB is not a relationship. That's why they call them FWB and not dating. When you're dating them, you become exclusive to only them but, FWB however...

I HATE things being called “games”. It seems rhat now a days, if people do things that fall outside the norm, they are said to be playing games and just leave it at that.
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 10
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:03:16 AM
I agree with GreenEyes... you've only chatted. You are NOT in a relationship with this woman, yet. If it should go in that direction (providing you chat again), how do you know that she would want to keep the FWB?


And must add, found very interesting in all the insights in what the ladies have posted here about the subject.


Good point, Just Jim, some of us can call 'em as we see 'em.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 11
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:10:43 AM
I think the following statement is highly valuable for attracting whatever type of relationship you're seeking.

"Loving yourself means knowing yourself, which means self-knowledge. If you do not know yourself then you cannot know what you are looking for. You are just groping around in the dark hoping to come across a gem."
(The author of this quote is unknown to me.)

So, perhaps your stated difficulty ("why is that so difficult to find?") will fade when you deeply "know thyself."

Do you?

Good luck in your search.
Love happens.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 12
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:11:13 AM
I wouldnt proceed with anyone who is having a fb or fwb relationship.

I view these arrangments as something to do when you are not actively dating...not something to do in between dates.

I dont see how anyone can give a new person a fair chance if you are getting your sex on with someone else.

In most of these fb and fwb one of the two has feelings and anyone who doesnt think so is fooling only themselves. I will not be getting in the middle of something like that. A fb or fwb is still a relationship and I dont date men who are already in a relationship, even if it is a chitty one like this.

Just my opinion.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 13
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:13:08 AM
I just made a post about how (or when) to tell a potential date about my FWB. I'm in the same situation this woman is in.

Ditch the fwb before the first date and you needn't say anything.

I am not playing games and would definitely break it off with my FWB if a serious relationship developed.

Well, you are playing games. If it were me and I found out that I had gone on a date with you while you were seeing your fwb, you would end up calling it off with him to pursue a ``serious relationship'', right before I dumped you. That is one situation in which would have no ethical qualms about just playing along with the game, using her and planning to dump her.

I view these arrangments as something to do when you are not actively dating...not something to do in between dates.

Precisely.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 14
view profile
History
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:26:21 AM

DebiDuzDishes said:

BUT.. if i were still fishing for true love while enjoying a friend and his benefits... i would NEVER disclose this to a potential date.. lol..

Just like i would NEVER disclose I was talking to other men.(cuz i am if i am not exclusive)


Exactly. There is such a thing as TMI (Too Much Information). Keep some things to yourself, at least until you really do develop a relationship.


U_Make_It_entertaining said:

What I do question here ...
Is the fact that she had to tell you about it.
That was stupid.

Yep, some things are best left unsaid, at least in the beginning. Until you have the “exclusive” conversation, it is no one’s business but yours.
 new2this826
Joined: 11/6/2011
Msg: 15
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:28:52 AM
Just me but it seems the best way to handle this is to say thank you but I am not interested in dating someone with that type of arrangement, or just say thanks but no thanks. My point is move along she just as anyone can do what it is they are comfortable doing. If it's not your cup of tea move to the next pot, no need to project your negative feelings. It reflects poorly on you.
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 16
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 10:28:31 AM
Fortunately, I've never been just a FWB and don't choose to be. Also, if I knew a guy I was dating was in such a relationship, I would not stick around. I'm not desperate!

If I have read the OP correctly, I didn't get where he was already in a relationship with this woman and she might have been throwing him off intentionally. In any case, OP, like most others have said here... she is NOT the only choice you have. Hang in there.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 17
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 1:02:02 PM
Seems like I'm missing something here: What kind of game was she playing?????

She was perfectly honest with you about her current situation, telling you she's having a FWB thingy while looking for a serious relationship.

Where is the game playing part?
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 18
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 1:48:05 PM
While i agree she was STOOPID with her TMI

She is still single.. and not dating YET.

Instead of beating her down.. just pass on her.. she merely has different strategies to live her life. And single people who .. HAVE SEX?.. gasp.. wth?..no way.. gasp

You all need to wait for marriage (snicker)Thats what my mom told me!

But i wanna high five Army Mom.. and slap her on the a$$..
Why?.. because I will be hitting a YEAR of celibacy soon.
 fryan
Joined: 9/13/2006
Msg: 19
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 2:20:55 PM
I do believe a person can be in search of a serious LTR but have a FWB to satisfy their temporary needs. I've never seen them as one in the same. In my experiences/observations I've noticed that when one of the parties becomes involved in a LTR, the friends part usually disappears along with the benefits.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with somebody who is on POF exclusively for sex. There is a status for that. It's when people lie about, that's when it bothers me. Have some integrity and don't state that you're looking for a LTR when you're just looking to get laid. The guys who lie about it make it harder for men like me who have a sincere desire to meet somebody special and build a relationship that means something.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 20
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:11:10 PM
Here's me using your analogy for my analogy.

She is asked out by a master chef to enjoy a 7 course meal he specifically prepared for her with each dish and course with subtle textures and tastes that lend themselves to the next, with the possibility of culminating in culinary perfection and she stopped at Applebee's for some extra spicy jalapeno nachos right before the date.

And here’s me using yours…

She hasn’t been asked out by a master chef. She’s only had an initial conversation with a stranger on a chat line. Seven-course meals haven’t been offered and if they’re coming at all, they’re still weeks away.

And besides, guys who brag about their “cooking” before they even meet the girl are kinda lame. So yeah, Applebee’s or wherever she chooses to eat in the meantime is her business.

And chef-boy? Do we just assume he’s fasting until he meets “the one”? Why should she?
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 21
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/14/2011 9:44:49 PM
I think what the op is wanting is a level playing field. I think what we all want is a level playing field. Until you talk with people you wont know what makes them tick...

I do know that when I was looking for a LTR; I kept getting men who had LTR on their profile (they said otherwise women wouldn't talk to them) but after getting to know them they had no desire for anything permanent...after a bit they made jokes about how they were going to put a revolving door on their bedroom cause of all the NEEDY CLINGY women who thought their golden coochie would make them want to walk down the aisle.

One even admit it had gotten old and he was so tired of the endless sea of women and nothing real....and that is where I see the difference, some of these people do not even view the other party as real, as having real feelings or emotions, they are just calling each other friends and arent really even friends.

If I am in earnest looking for a relationship then Im going to do the legwork to make sure the person I am sleeping with is looking for a relationship also. And I sure as heck dont want them dulling their appetite for me by snacking at Taco Bell. Those who are using FWB to take the *edge off of their needs are doing both themselves and potential LTR partners a disservice; and I think if the truth be told most will find the FWB is a one sided relationship where one part is giving it up in hopes that the other part will come to care about them. So while you can say it is mutual USE...most deep down inside know if they are the one who wants more of a relationship or not...if you are in a FWB and going to deny this...just ask the other party...

So while the woman was honest, the op feels she isnt being honest in her intent, she has other distractions to occupy her and wont feel the same level of attraction to anyone else cause she is placing her food order elsewhere and snacking on it ...while he would be home dreaming of holding her if they worked out.

BTW the current relationship I am in started as FWB; but I had gotten so jaded and disappointed in trying to find a LTR that I basically had given up and decided to just not bother with it and focus on school. We met in September and were in a relationship in December but there was so many obstacles to work out cause of the way we started that I can wholeheartedly not recommend this to anyone.
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 22
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/16/2011 2:29:10 PM

That's funny. I can imagine the high-fives and butt slappin' from a bunch of guys who's friend tells them they have a FWB yet he's still trying to date seriously.

Double standard in my opinion.


I also find it a double standard when someone complains about how men only want sex, yet they are getting some on the side, like in the situation the OP is describing.

I would never go for a situation when someone is in a fwb situation. Its fine when you are not dating regularly, but while you are dating? That's not very classy.
 goodguyinbc
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 23
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/18/2011 8:13:10 PM
Wow, I had NO idea how fast a forum post gained replies. Very entertaining.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 24
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 11/21/2011 5:54:57 PM
goodguyinbc- I've seen men and women on pof asking this question.
We aren't monks (I'm not).
As long as both people are single (yes, I've been contacted by men who are married) and you are careful, I don't see it as a problem until you get far enough into the relationship to talk about being exclusive and/or a commitment.
I don't care for double standards and I'm honest, are you being chaste while looking for someone? I doubt it.
I'd rather be with someone in a fwb situation (in the beginning) than have them to be the type that they are with a different person every other night.
Picking up strangers in a bar is worse ( to me) than a fwb situation.
Honestly, I don't know why she told you, kinda' dumb on her part.
When two people are single, I think it's kind of assumed that we are both going on dates/looking.
 SC67
Joined: 6/21/2009
Msg: 25
She was looking for LTR, but has a FWB on the side?
Posted: 12/1/2011 5:25:05 PM

if a women is attractive in any way, she most likely has a FWB, as that's very easy for a women to get, and to have more than just one.

It's very easy for a woman to make a FWB situation happen. She doesn't even have to ask for it, just be passive enough to let it happen to her. It's also true she could have several...one for every night of the week & a spare for variety. Let's keep in mind that not every woman is interested in FWB, especially multiples.
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