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 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 1
Am I being too selective ?Page 1 of 1    
I'm in a comfortable place in my life - I know who I am, past relationships have shown me what is important to me to have and also what is important for me to avoid, my teenagers are with me full-time and so I understand too that is not what everyone wants, I'm not and never will be someone who has one-night stands or jumps into intimacy with someone until I am sure that is what I want....so basically, I'm not in a rush and am willing to wait for the right person.

That said, I seems to be getting attention mainly from people whose situations aren't what I am hoping to find.....

I am being too picky by having these requirements :-

- I don't want to get involved with someone who is separated. To me, that means married and unfinished business.
- I don't want to get involved with someone who is recently split from a long term relationship although they were not legally married - 4 months/6 months out of a long term relationship with a woman with whom you share children is effectively the same as separated, to me anyway.
- I'm not looking for someone to move into my house at lightening speed. I want to take my time and be sure that someone new is who he claims to be.
- I don't want to get involved with someone who has a lot of young children. Selfish maybe but I run a day care and look after other people's children for 50 hours a week.
- I don't want to get involved with someone who has a lot of children who each have a different mother - beside's the issues of sexual health, there is also a red-flag regarding commitment.
- I don't want to get involved with someone who is closer to my father's age than mine.
- And finally, even if there is common ground, common core values and good, easy conversation and company, there has to be some spark - something to build on a least, because for me, intimacy is a part of a loving, mutually respectful adult relationship.

It's just that each time I think someone may be interesting, one of the above situations applies. I've met some great guys, (drunk a lot of coffee), but they are mainly friend material rather than partner material, and bottom line is, this is a dating site and that's what I am hoping to find.

The ONE person I met so far who seemed to 'tick all the right boxes' in terms of having the same core values as me and who appeared to be an intellectual match which is always stimulating, who I didn't have to compromise ANY of my ideals with, there was simply zero chemistry when we met.

So, am I being too picky ?
 Beez243
Joined: 2/26/2011
Msg: 2
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 6:05:24 AM
No, never compromise. Always be yourself. I am very picky myself. However, I've learned to give and take a little as I don't want to end up alone living with cats! I have to accept people for who they are and see if they "fit" into my life. Finding a great relationship takes time. Good luck!
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 3
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 6:43:33 AM
Big difference between picky and selective and knowing what you want, things you described in my opinion is selective, nothing wrong with that.

Picky is something like, Oh his hair has to be a certain length, his clothes has be brand name , drives a late model german car, not north american, earns over $95,509.40 per annum and cannot be a blue collar worker, votes for the Liberals, has no more than 5.6% body fat blah blah blah, that is picky

You know what you want so go for it .
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 4
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 6:59:21 AM
LOL - No, I don't care about any of the superficial things. I have a good understanding of the differences between compromising and 'settling'.

I guess I continue living my life each day and remain open to the right man coming into it one day.

Cdn_Iceman - Do you ever get to NS ? LOL
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 7:10:54 AM
I seems to be getting attention mainly from people whose situations aren't what I am hoping to find... I am being too picky by having these requirements.

Yes you are!

Remember those guys also have their "lists", and between theirs and yours, seems like nothing will EVER develop for you..
Unless you rearrange your priorities to allow for a partner to be imperfect and not ALWAYS search for those "dealbreakers" so you can keep your distance and your 4 cats..

Unless you make some major effort to become more flexible, you could be well on your way to becoming another Forumite "catlady" that only finds comfort from her many cats...
 pdunique218
Joined: 11/29/2007
Msg: 6
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 7:39:07 AM
I agree with Cdn_Iceman - you are not picky - you are selective. And the things you mentioned you should never compremise on.

Are you judging "chemistry" as based on "fireworks". Years ago I saw Wash DC fireworks sitting at the Tidal Basin (the fireworks go off overhead). After the finale - everything became pitch black. On the way home - we crossed Memorial Bridge and I could see on the hill ahead of me the Eternal Flame on Kennedy's grave. Since then I review relationships that way. Fireworks = darkness But the Eternal Flame provides light/warmth/ and is always there. Don't give up on someone who has all of the tic-marks because chemistry just might grow.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 7
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 8:00:18 AM
No - not defining chemistry as fireworks. There was simply zero physical attraction. Not even a little simmering flame which could be fanned. Nothing. Zip. LOL

I think there has to be 'something' in order for it to grow into something more...but there wasn't anything.
 KidCaboose
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 8
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 8:46:58 AM
I don't think you're being too picky either. You have standards and preferences.

I think the main thing here is that you're not feeling much chemistry or spark... or at least I assume you're not. Generally I go by gut feeling. I have my standards aswell, but I always follow up when I feel that chemistry, regardless who it is. Doesn't mean that it'll work, but for me that's the most important building block to start with.

If you're not feeling that spark with anyone, that could be normal, you're just not meeting the right guy yet. You may also want to consider that maybe there's another reason why that spark isn't happening for you with these people.
 TheCoolGreenMoss
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 9
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 8:55:22 AM
Are you being too picky? Not so much, however... (and especially if you're getting messages from guys who you don't feel fit your list)...

In your profile you mention 'strong family values'; yet you really don't want him to have a family - or you should clarify what it is you mean. What do you mean by the way? Loves his mother?.. has holiday with the extended family?

Think about it - in the age range you're in, many/most have been married and may have children. Those children may be grown if had young enough - otherwise the rug rats will be around for a while - you may have to deal with it.

You may also have to deal with an ex-wife (partner) being somewhere in the picture - so what?

Otherwise - being single/divorced, not too old, not too recently single, etc are all perfectly fine. And of course chemistry...
 redsox322
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 10
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 9:15:38 AM
I dont date men with kids either. I dont blame you. I need someone who has time for me. You arent picky you just know what you want :) screw what others say
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 11
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 9:16:40 AM
In a word: Yes

I think you are getting a lot of friends because it seems you a looking for a friend, dating is a full contact sport. Other than someone being totally unattached, you've got to come down a few levels.
 redsox322
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 12
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 9:28:57 AM
No she doesnt she knows what she wants in a guy. better than playing games or being indecisive
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 13
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 10:10:30 AM
Please, SERIOUSLY consider what Tall IQ and Greatguy shared. Often times any of us can present reasonable yet ultimately less than accurate expectations. I'm not old enough to be your father, well maybe in Newfoundland or certain Utah counties, but I'd be poop out of duck if I wanted to reach out to you. I don't have kids, but forget it if you expect me to cancel a visit to my Goddaughter because your attitude du jour has separation anxiety.

There's a difference between knowing what you want and expecting something that can't possibly come as neatly packaged as you've outlined.

DATE! Let the real world be your filter.
 MACALA
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 14
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 10:28:25 AM
OP~ You can be picky, as long as you have a large pool of dudes to choose from. If you have nothing but a basin to pull from, then you either make yourself more attractive, or lower your expectations.

In other words~ Water seeks it's own level...
 suffolkgirl64
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 15
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 10:58:10 AM
I don't think so, but then again your requirements are a lot like mine. (lol)
 Silent Steel
Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 16
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 11:18:32 AM
When people want to buy a car with a strict option requirement.....they are gonna have to do a lot of work to find it. Or they pay through the nose to have it specially ordered.

You have the ability to be as "picky" or " selective" as you think you need to be happy. But often times its those lists of things that we think we need to have, are us actually putting up barriers preventing us from finding what we want.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 17
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 11:36:43 AM
Too picky? Well, you're divorced, smoke and have a cat. So how picky do ya wanna be?
I'm just kidding.
For the most part, it sounds like you want someone unencumbered, emotionally available, and who shares your values. Nothing wrong with that.
 Intic
Joined: 3/28/2011
Msg: 18
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 11:57:22 AM
I honestly don't think you are being to selective at all. You can't just settle for a significant other. They have to meet certain standards set by your needs. Just enjoy wading through the crowd and getting to know people. You may make a few friends in the process.

Just my opinion.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 19
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Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 12:55:26 PM


4 months/6 months out of a long term relationship with a woman .... is effectively the same as separated, to me anyway.


That does sound a bit "restrictive" to me.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 20
Am I being too selective ?
Posted: 11/16/2011 2:55:15 PM
Your criteria are pretty reasonable. You might want to be willing to make an exception on one of them if the guy seems really terrific, but that's not my call to make.
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