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Show ALL Forums  > humor  > Jokes for Jokers      Home login  
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 2
Jokes for JokersPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 4
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Crazy night at the bar.
Posted: 11/26/2011 8:14:26 AM
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Another horse walks into a bar carrying jumper cables. The bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but you better not start anything!"

A third horse rushes into the bar and demands 25 shots quickly! The bartender complies and watches the horse slam all the shots as fast as he can. The bartender then asks,"Hey buddy slow down, what's the hurry?" The horse replies, "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have." Concerned, the bartender asks, "What do you have?" and the horse says, "25 cents."

A few minutes later a kid walks into the bar and sits down. After a few minutes the waitress comes over and the kid orders a beer. The waitress looks him over, seeing he is obviously underage and says, "Do you want to get me in trouble?" The kid replies, "Maybe later, for now I'll just have the beer."

Then a man walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. He tells the bartender that he is an amazing urinator, that if stood at one end of the bar, he could pee could fill a mug on the other end of the bar. The bartender of course thinks he's drunk there's no way he could do that, it was a very long bar. The man is insistent and bets the bartender, if he can do it, he'll drink for free the rest of the night, but if he fails, he'll give the bartender $100. The bartender decides to go along with it, thinking there's just no way. So the man jumps up on the bar and they set up the mug at the other end. He starts pissing, but gets nowhere near the mug, spraying urine all over the bar, everywhere but in the mug. He gets down and hands the bartender $100. Laughing at the futile attempt the bartender says, that was terrible, you weren't even close. The man just smiles and agrees. The bartender is confused, he says, "Why are you so happy, you just lost $100!" The man just smiles and says, "Ya, but I bet my friends over there $1000 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

After that the bartender kicked everyone out of the bar, closed up shop and moved to Hawaii.
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 5
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Crazy night at the bar.
Posted: 11/26/2011 8:16:03 AM
I hope you all enjoyed that, I was going to do a joke about dividing by zero, but it would have just gone on forever...
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 6
Crazy night at the bar.
Posted: 11/26/2011 1:38:56 PM
Chuck Norris can easily divide by zero. And quickly.
Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 7
view profile
Crazy night at the bar.
Posted: 11/28/2011 1:31:05 PM
I really scared the hell out of my postwoman this morning when i went to the door totally naked,....i dont know what scared her most, the fact that i was naked or that i knew where she lived?!! ................................................................
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 8
Crazy night at the bar.
Posted: 11/28/2011 10:10:42 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of these are just TOOOOO funny.

Joined: 5/7/2007
Msg: 9
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Xmas thoughts
Posted: 11/29/2011 2:40:02 PM
With Xmas approaching, i asked my wife if she thought her Mother would prefer something along the lines of Riverdance or perhaps something `Fred Astaire`ish`?, she told me "Dont you go anywhere near my poor mothers grave you sick **stard!" .............................................................
Joined: 12/30/2009
Msg: 10
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Xmas thoughts
Posted: 12/2/2011 7:10:16 PM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Xmas Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to my father after I loaned my costume to him......."
Joined: 11/17/2011
Msg: 11
scarred for life
Posted: 12/4/2011 3:47:00 PM
I think I scarred some jehovas wittnesses last week. I answered the door in a towel with a raging bonner and they where just speechless. I think they where impressed
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 12
Jple of the Year
Posted: 12/5/2011 9:06:21 PM
Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 13
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Jple of the Year
Posted: 12/19/2011 4:44:46 PM
A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he wants to order ten times as much beer as everyone else in the bar. The bartender says, "Wow, now that's an order of magnitude!"
Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 15
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Home Depot Scam Alert
Posted: 12/20/2011 8:35:15 AM
A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
I recently became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat half naked and starts crawling all over you, rubbing her soft body on you. Then, while you're distracted by this one, the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 16
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Home Depot Scam Alert
Posted: 12/21/2011 5:05:38 PM
An infinite group of irrational looking people start walking into a bar, each with numbers on their shirt. The first one has a 3 on his shirt, the second a 1, the next a 4, then a 1, then a 5 and so forth. The bartender sees this and quickly yells at them, "Come on people, this is a bar, we don't serve pi(e) here!!"
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 18
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Posted: 12/22/2011 4:02:59 PM
I was in a bar once, and this guy picked a fight. He told me, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face!" I told him, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, you'll have a hard time getting in the corners."
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 19
Posted: 12/22/2011 10:55:35 PM
The Pastor's Teeth...

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a new set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday however, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes!!

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains that the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than eight minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than ten minutes. But the third Sunday he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up…...
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 20
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Posted: 12/23/2011 10:01:02 AM
Physics tells us that as you approach the speed of light you gain mass and get shorter. So it turns out Danny Devito is not short and fat at all, he's just moving really, really fast...
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 21
Posted: 12/23/2011 5:25:48 PM
A farmer stopped by a repair shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 22
Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 12/25/2011 1:38:58 AM
Poseidon buys himself a pet rooster. Aeoulus later becomes tired of the rooster always being around so he decides that he's going to use his power of wind to make this rooster go away. Sure enough he does. Poseidon finds out about this the next day and goes to Aeoulus and says "why did you blow my****"
 Ms Cheevious
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 24
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Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 12/28/2011 3:08:19 PM
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE written by Chemical Engineers

532.35 cm3 gluten
4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
4.9 cm3 refined halite
236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legumemeats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 BTU/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.

Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS,21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Joined: 6/20/2011
Msg: 25
Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 12/28/2011 7:42:05 PM
I knew these Siamese twins who emigrated to England so that the other one could drive...
Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 26
Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:01:09 PM
So a duck walks into a feed store and asks: "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says: "No, we don't carry that here." The duck leaves.
The next day the duck returns and asks again: "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says "No, I told you yesterday, we don't carry that here." The duck leaves.
The next day the clerk is in a very bad mood, and again the duck comes in and asks: "Got any duck feed?"
Really annoyed, the clerk says "Look, I've told you for the last two days, we do not carry that here! Now if you come back again and ask me that, I'm going to nail your d*** webbed feet to the ceiling! Get lost!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the clerk is in an even worse mood. The duck comes in again and asks: "Got any...nails?"
"No." replies the clerk.
"Got any duck feed?"
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 27
Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 1/2/2012 12:22:55 PM
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 28
Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 1/2/2012 12:23:27 PM
Some Hot Shot Pilot!

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, withdrew his samari sword and replied, "You only make just one velly, velly selious mistake!"
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 29
Jokes for Jokers
Posted: 1/2/2012 7:17:51 PM
Two wives go out for girls night out. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." The other husband said "You thank that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we will never forget you."
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