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 Faithnhope1955
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 1
Girls go first?Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I'm so old fashioned and yes, more than a little bit shy about all of this online dating and about meeting new men. I confess I have a real struggle making that first contact with a guy.

Tell me please, gentlemen (and mostly I'm aiming this at guys 50 and up - since I'm 56 and my search range is 50-62 most of the time) how do you feel about this?

Am I missing out by not being a little more adventurous and emailing you first, if I find you interesting? Please share your thoughts! Thanks.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 2
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 6:29:42 PM
My opinion..yes, you are.

If you see someone you'd like to get to know..email them. What's it going to hurt?

This venue is one where you are to meet people, to see if you click and want to carry it on to a quick meet, then a date (my opinion). Go for it.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 3
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 8:22:52 PM
Of course you are......you are in the 21st century and claiming that you are "old fashioned" because it is convenient for you, instead of stepping up and being an equal.

If this was your work place and your boss said that he/she was "old fashioned", and giving the promotion and raise to your male colleague because he was married and had a family to support, you would be going crazy with anger and looking to file as many law suits as you could.

Why is it so different with dating and being equals? Why is it that you think equality in the work place is good and the world is expected, but in dating, you revert back to ancient times when you were property, and not a person? I cringe at the words "old fashioned", and pass women by that think that way.

I remember when my father told me HE was old fashioned when he sent mt to the shed, took off his belt and beat me with it.....because children were to be seen and not heard, and if you spared the rod, you spoiled the child.............

We are equals in the world of dating and life, and if you want to know someone, do so, and be assertive enough to be an equal, and continue that throughout the dating process. If you are falling, I will pick you up, and damn it.....if I am falling come and pick me up too.

cd.........
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 4
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 8:31:12 PM
Actually I have had men say to me that they think a woman that messages them is easy and has no respect for herself, so I think that is why some women feel that way about messaging someone. (Personally if they feel that way I wouldn't be interested in them but I do know that some men feel that way)

I also feel that when a man sees a woman he really wants to get to know ..he will send her a message if he feels he is in the right place in his life.

I know that when I first joined online dating I was on Match.com and this man saw my profile but didn't message me cause he had turmoil on his job. I left that site and joined this one. He thought he would never have the chance to message me but was at work and one of his coworkers was talking about a meet/greet that I had signed up for. He immediately made a profile and messaged me. He is a great friend.
 cupper3
Joined: 8/28/2006
Msg: 5
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 8:59:16 PM

Actually I have had men say to me that they think a woman that messages them is easy and has no respect for herself, so I think that is why some women feel that way about messaging someone. (Personally if they feel that way I wouldn't be interested in them but I do know that some men feel that way)


What? No respect for herself because she messages me first?

Last I checked that is SO 19th century, and believe it or not, we are in the 21st.

I'm flattered when a women contacts me first. Some I have no interest in, some perhaps, and some is like, "wow, how did I miss contacting her first". In all cases my reply is polite, and I don't have ANY preconceived ideas about where a contact will lead.

As it should be.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 6
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 9:05:05 PM
Am I missing out by not being a little more adventurous and emailing you first, if I find you interesting? Please share your thoughts! Thanks.


Yes, I think you're missing out by not contacting the men who interest you. Because if you don't make the first move, some other woman will.

You have a lot of competition in your age group. There are fewer desirable men out there than there are women, and the self-confident women will pursue and get the best men.

Secondly, you're also missing out by not having a broader age range. Realistically, at age 56, you might want to consider raising your upper age limit from 60 to 65.
 wvwaterfall
Joined: 1/17/2007
Msg: 7
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 9:08:28 PM
For me it's a big plus if a woman takes the initiative and makes first contact. Sure, I'll sometimes initiate, but I'm NOT one to assign gender specific roles to a relationship, so when a woman makes first contact with me I know right away she's not locked in to at least that old stereotype, and hopefully not others as well.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 8
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/4/2011 9:49:47 PM

Am I missing out by not being a little more adventurous and emailing you first, if I find you interesting? Please share your thoughts! Thanks.

I'm only a few years shy of your age range, but to answer your question, my fiancee contacted me first. Does that help?
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 9
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 3:51:12 AM

Then again...I've had many of those same men want/expect sex from me on a first meeting even though that sort of thing has never been alluded to before meeting...so maybe what the other poster said is actually true that some men misconstrue a woman contacting them first as a sign of desperation for physical intimacy? Never really thought of that before now. Wow, something new to worry about


Not to brag, but..men get propositioned as well here, I have.
Some take that opportunity, some don't. I am not one that is going to just go hop into bed with someone I don't know..but that's just me.

The street goes both ways.
 Niteseer
Joined: 8/21/2011
Msg: 10
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 4:12:01 AM
Yes , you are.

Someone who you would perhaps like may be simply unaware of your profile.
The "virtual" world [ internet ] is different from the "real" world .....
so the established real-world "rules" & customs don't necessarily apply.
 54hollywood
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 11
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 5:41:12 AM
Hi; We are rejected all the time. If you write to a man and he is interested at all he will respond. If not were with us men rejected,just laugh and go no to the next. I don't mind being approached . What difference does it make who says Hello first.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 12
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 6:38:42 AM

Am I missing out by not being a little more adventurous and emailing you first, if I find you interesting?

Re-read that. What do YOU think the answer is?

Yes, you'd quite possibly be missing out. Kind of a 'duh!' there, isn't there?
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 13
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 7:32:44 AM
I would have to agree with Giggles on her p0st actually. Whenever I have made the first move, I have been treated as though I am looking for a hook up, which is far from the case. But those men with that opinion, get to keep it to themselves and I move on
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 14
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 8:38:14 AM
Let me see here: We have Giggles10000, MoonChild51, and WinterWithFlowers all saying basically that men will think a woman is “fast” if she makes the initial approach.

On the other hand, we have “Haycyon_Skies, coastalmermaid, and DrummingNut advising you to go for it.

Looks like an even split amongst the women, and 100% agreement among the men (all voting “go for it”).

If a woman makes the initial approach, and the man assumes that she is fast for that reason only, then block the dumbass and move on. There is no reason men should be the only ones who have to work at this, who have to develop a thick skin and learn to accept rejection, and how to bounce back and keep trying.

I myself love it, absolutely love it, when I get an initial message from a woman. If I don’t think her pictures or profile are attractive, then I will ignore the message (just as most women do under the same circumstances). But I still get a thrill from it. Come on now, ladies – be honest with us. Don’t you like receiving initial messages? Doesn’t it make you feel attractive, and desirable?


 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 15
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 8:50:50 AM

Let me see here: We have Giggles10000, MoonChild51, and WinterWithFlowers all saying basically that men will think a woman is “fast” if she makes the initial approach.


Add me to that category.

It seemed that if I made initial contact they thought they were so irresistible that they didn't need to put any effort into the dating.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 16
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 10:10:46 AM
Come on Moonie.....you have known me for a very long time, and as I remember it long ago, you emailed me about some post that one or the both of us made concerning some thread that I can not even remember.....

I do not think that I have ever treated you as though you are looking for just a hook up, even when you slipped that hotel key into my pocket long ago.....lmao....

You of all people should know that the initial contact can come from either gender, and in many ways. Many of us have been computer flirting with each other here in the forums and in private for years and years, and the only hook up that has happen......was on the computer screen......

I still say equality rules in my mind, and you have nothing to lose by contacting me!!

cd.............
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 17
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 10:43:27 AM
Cd you are such a smartie pants! True enough, it can come from either gender and in many ways. I was just speaking in general terms wherein when I email a fellow for the first time, the vast majority think I am looking for a hook up. I just move on, no harm no foul right?
P.S. - Can you please mail that key to the hotel? They have been bugging me to get it back!
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 18
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 11:07:11 AM
^^^^^^Great to see all these opinions by women as to how men think about being contacted first. I really do wonder what men think of the matter.

Personally, I don't mind at all when women I don't like having to blow them off when I am not interested, but that is all part of the game.....
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 19
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 11:23:07 AM
Hard wired to be hunters??? That may have been the case long ago, and if we were so called "old fashioned"..............but not these days with ALL the education we have been getting by women and society to treat women like the equals they are!............

Just short of sending me nude pictures with your legs spread, I would not consider you or any woman loose or easy for contacting me first. Just as you would be offended by men that are overly aggressive with their contacts to you, or sending you a picture of their organ as an introduction, so are we men that have been taught long and hard, to be liberated enough to treat women as an equal.

The only thing I need to truly "hunt" is for a woman that is my equal and "hunts" for me as much as I do her. I still believe that most women would like to be free enough to contact us as often as we do them, but to many fear the rejection, and unknown of being assertive and aggressive enough to be called an equal.

My list of contacts is now about the same for those I have contacted and that have contacted me, and I am happy that this the case, and I will continue to wait and enjoy being contacted by those assertive women wanting to know me.............and each contact will get a reply, at least once thanking them for the effort and equal consideration.........

cd.............
 Broadway_Bess
Joined: 11/14/2011
Msg: 20
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 12:50:21 PM
The worst that has happened is that I have wasted time.
I tried this with a variety of parameters. Only contacting men who were looking for Long Term, and the results were still disappointing.

My experience has been that men in my age group that I contact have ALL...without exception, started inserting sexual innuendos into the messages fairly early on in the exchanges. So, yes, I do think that many men in my age category love receiving first contact messages from women, but aren't totally comfortable accepting them. It mutates something in their phsyche, and they feel compeeled to start replying with their penis.

Not sure if it's a sign of the times, internet dating as a whole or my demographic, but I personally don't do it any more.

However, in real life, showing interest in a man has proven very successful for me, so I stick with that. I will initiate....but not online.

BB
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 21
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 1:06:34 PM
I'm 55, and I not only LIKE it when a woman emails me first, I ENCOURAGE it.

The last line of my profile actually says "nice messages ARE welcome"

It doesn't have to be anything fancy or Pulitzer Prize-worthy, anything simple to break the ice is fine.

 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 22
Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 1:21:56 PM

Am I missing out by not being a little more adventurous and emailing you first, if I find you interesting?

The way I see it, if you see someone on here that you think is interesting and you don't email him, well, you'll just never know then.
0+0=0 .. or something like that.

IF the guy ends up doing the sexual inuendos and stuff that some people are saying the men think/do if you email them...
hell, I bet they're just the type of guys who fall into that category of male no matter who emailed first.
There are plenty of them on here!
 daffie
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 23
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 3:45:30 PM
when i first joined pof i used to send messages to men i thought were "interesting".
i'm pleased to say that years later some of these guys are really good friends and we have shared many laughs and experiences over this time...all because i initiated the first contact!

soooooooooooo, if you see anyone you think is attractive by all means send them a message. it could be the start of a wonderful and fun friendship.
don't be shy, the sky won't fall in if they don't reply and after all it will be their loss if you are ignored...right?...
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 24
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 4:16:20 PM

is actually true that some men misconstrue a woman contacting them first as a sign of desperation for physical intimacy?

well, of course it is. so what? who cares what someone you'll never meet thinks? every attitude, quirk and prejudice can be found here, including those who will find such boldness and forthrightness refreshing and attractive. no offense meant, op, but your profile is pretty bland. you sending a first message might be the one thing that catches the attention of a guy who'd otherwise pass you by.

be aware that when you start sending first messages, you will be ignored by some guys, and you will get responses from horn dogs, mental defectives, mama's boys, ex-cons and other unsuitables. basically the same guys who are sending YOU first messages now. taking the reins is not a panacea for the frustrations of trying to meet someone worthwhile. the difference is, you'll be taking action on your own behalf with men who look like good prospects, not just waiting for fortune to reward your passivity.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 25
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Girls go first?
Posted: 12/5/2011 4:20:29 PM

OP, it doesn't matter what century this is. It might as well be the dark ages because regardless of what you're going to read in these forums, 95% of the men on these sites do not want you to contact them first. They are hard-wired to be hunters and most of them will view you as desperate or you're offering sex if you email them first. They complain that no one emails them first, but what's really happening is that the hot chicks aren't emailing them first. Over the years I've been on these sites, I'd honestly say that I've had only a handful of responses when I initiated contact. And even after I wrote back to them, they lost interest pretty quick.

You'll also probably find that you're not going to have much luck with men in our age group ... most of them are trying to date 20-somethings ... and the 20-somethings are just laughing at them ]


You know I was going to respond with all sorts of stereotypical comments about women our age. But then, most women don't fit those derogatory concepts.

Neither do men army mom!

OT: Most women, our age, do not respond to messages sent by men. This is my experience and many of the men posting here: spare me the "she just wasn't interested" comments. I think most are afraid for all of the reasons we can think of. The big one being because they get so many propositions for sex. However, I'm not "those men": I'm me.

I no longer message women, period. If I receive a message, and I'm interested, there's a good chance she'll respond. I'm like other men who are tired of sending out messages to no avail. No, I do not write about sex, yes, I read and comment on items in a womans profile and no, I don't send form messages. I use to tailor each one to the individual woman.

By the way, I had dinner last week with a woman who messaged me and this Thursday we are having lunch. Do I think she is fast and easy: a resounding no.

My apologies to the ladies who don't use stereotypical statements but men do get tired of being labeled "hot wired hunters" only looking for "20-something" women. Oh, this lady I'm seeing is 61, not 21.
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