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 AUTHOR
 IntegralMan
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 1
Why So Serious...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I’ve been of this site many times and time and time again it gets quite discouraging. I’ve sent messages to many women but, for the life of me, whatever I say or how I say it makes no difference. Many months ago, I wrote my profile in a way I believed would set me apart from most men who lack emotional depth and it took me considerable effort hammering out my ideas.Once I had that done, I went fishing and saw VERY attractive woman with red hair- I’ll call her Mary. I sent her a message hoping she’d reply. She did alright, and said my profile was

"Way too serious for an on-line profile. There may be other women that feel
differently and hope you find one. One thing that concerns me about men on
this website is that they seem to write things they think women want to hear.
I'm not looking for a man to tell me what he thinks I want to hear.
I've evolved emotionally, spiritually and working on physically...for no else"

You can’t help but feel very frustrated about her reply. It’s not like I said, “Mary, I know better than you, this is what you should know” or “Mary, I know your kind so read my profile..you'll like it”. While it may be true my profile is somewhat serious, it was meant to be thought provoking. That Mary would reject me solely for that reason makes no sense.

In her eyes, being serious is a vice not a virtue. Then she gets turned off because she does not want men to “write things women want to hear”. Really? Then what’s the purpose of writing a profile and sending messages to others? As I see it, men and women are out to impress -either by flaunting their good looks, achievements, or in my case writing a thought provoking profile. In Mary’s eyes, if a man creates photos to flaunt his muscles to get attention he’s a narcissist AND he’s taking his muscle building too seriously OR she would see his muscles as a sign of good health and attractiveness but never realize he became that way because he was SERIOUS about his workouts. For her, it’s Ok to be serious physically and flaunt it but God forbid you should be serious on an emotional level.

Then Mary says of evolving “emotionally, spiritually, and physically -for no one else”. Makes you wonder what kind of spirituality she’s into. The idea of doing it for herself is tantamount to living in a vacuum. It’s safe to say that, in ANY spiritual practice, and among the many objectives, it is to be more compassionate, caring, and understanding towards others-hint hint. Unfortunately, the tone of her entire reply was far more defensive than spiritual. An individual with considerable spiritual depth would have said something like this

Dear IntegralMan,

By the tone in your profile you are no doubt a serious person and it certainly
has its place in love and life; I can see what you meant about caring. You have
very different views than most men and I appreciate a man with depth.
However, and as I stated in my profile, (which she did) I like to take things
slow. Is this something you could honor should we meet?

So much for being spiritual. Apparently, and in retrospect, when she said she wanted to take things slow, it was very important to her but she never expressed it that way and I was focused on other things she said in her profile. Had she replied-as I suggested above- as a reminder she wanted to take things slow, rest assured I would have honored it. This is the problem with all online personals. Whatever you say is taken either out of context or too literally and those reading fail to realize that what is being said is only a paragraph of the life of a person and the photos we provide is just one frame in the film that plays out in our lives. And when you read and see the many profiles from men and women, we wonder why they leave so much to be desired. It would never occur to Mary that the reason why men and women lack maturity to maintain a healthy relationship is because the seriousness needed for it -which she railed so much against- is not there.

Mary comes across as if the sole problem lies with me, that because I’m too serious, therefore, I have an irremediable character flaw, that everything I see and do is through the lens of being serious. While being serious in a profile does not fit her rigid rules of online personals and what see wants in a man, she makes the mistake of being too judgmental and fails to ask any questions. This is a major problem in online personals. We judge others for the slightest flaw -either in their photo or in what they say in their profile.

Interestingly, a study was made in 2008, and they discovered that women purchased 74% of books sold in the relationship and family category; I guess Mary is not one of them. It’s ironic that many women share Mary’s sentiments regarding serious men yet a large majority of them read some very serious books. So if I insert the quote below from John Amodeo and Chris Wentworth’s book “Being Intimate”, it is a turn off to women even though what is being said has profound significance as to WHY women are being turned off in the first place and WHY good relationships are so hard to find.

“A successful relationship requires considerable work, primarily regarding
our own personal growth. The romantic myths we grew up with ignored the
fact that we first need to grow as autonomous individuals (at least to some
reasonable degree), before we can sustain a meaningful primary commitment
with another"

So if men are not allowed to express their thoughts on what really matter to them in a profile, then what should we say? be yourself? Write positive happy things and share the activities you like the most? That’s fine but even if I did, it’s not going to make much of an impression unless my activities are jet flying, car racing, horseback riding, or boating- you know, the kind of things rich men do.

It is interesting to think that if Tom Cruise was not Tom Cruise, Katie, being a few inches taller, would have never married him. Such is the case with another woman on POF I replied to. She rejected me because I was 1” too short but had I stated my salary as a million plus, rest assured she would not think too much of height. This is another issue that bugs me, but suffice it to say men and women still have much to learn as to what really matters in love and life. And if there is one major thing we need to learn is to free ourselves of the bondage of the romantic myths we grew up in since it is the only way to move forward in the cultivation of our own emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth.
 moonwalkerman
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 2
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History
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:10:34 AM
I don't get it...what you have posted here appears also in your profile...
That said, I do not know any woman who looks for guys with a lot of emotional depth. Most women look for just a guy, who does guy things. Philosophers are not in demand most of the time. As a man, you need to be practical, and get things done in the real world...
Just my 2 cents...
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 3
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History
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:28:03 AM
Another case of 'poor, short man syndrome' trying to overcompensate by being so wordy. Most women aren't looking for men whe do 'rich man activities'. They are looking for compatibility factors. Divulging too much in a profile is a red flag.
 mustardmoon
Joined: 9/10/2010
Msg: 4
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:31:52 AM
Dude, why are you taking one woman's response to you and turning it into some deep philosophical study?

The woman didn't like your profile. So what? In the time you wrote this forum post, you could've written to 20 more women who might have liked you. You seem a bit anal!!
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 5
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:39:44 AM
All this because some Mary person didn't like your profile????

You even took the profile down and put THIS opening post AS your profile.

I'm sorry, but geez!

If YOU want a 'serious' profile.. then have one.

Aren't you looking for someone who is interested in what YOU have as your profile?
 IntegralMan
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 6
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:50:58 AM
"Another case of 'poor, short man syndrome' trying to overcompensate by being so wordy. Most women aren't looking for men whe do 'rich man activities'. They are looking for compatibility factors. Divulging too much in a profile is a red flag"

Compatibility factors? What might they be and how can you possibly express them online without it being misconstrued? Your reply is quite discouraging... you and the others lost completely the MEANING of what I was taking about. I'm not going to reply at great length since it will only be dismissed or misconstrued again.....all I can say to you is go in peace.
 7THstreet
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 7
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:55:34 AM
It's discouraging because you are letting it be . So she didn't like you , does it change you for who you are , no . Does it change what you are looking for in life , no ....so why so serious .......

A online dating site is nothing more the tool for networking ourselves , having high expectations that this site will lead to the ultimate prize ...well you set yourself up for down fall .....

Never stop believing in yourself , even when the chips are down . Hold you chin up high and be proud of who you are , not what you are .
 IntegralMan
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 8
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 6:58:00 AM
"You even took the profile down and put THIS opening post AS your profile"

Tell me something: are there rules against posting my profile in this forum?
What I wrote was intended as a profile but it's not and so I decided to post it here as well in hopes others would comment on it. I have not had TIME to rewrite my profile all over again.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 9
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:00:38 AM
Wow....OP, I do know one thing for sure is women are not attracted to "whiners"!
By exhibiting this 'extreme' behaviour is a red flag to most women.
Where is your profile??? You think this helps?

We have all had rejection on here...'Mary' was trying to say she found no commonalities or felt an attraction for you.
Her fault was in trying to explain why...then you take her excuse and judge/analyze her....tsk..tsk.

I wrote to a man once on here and he disected every sentence and put his thought to what he thought' his' interpretation meant....two different stories!
Opened my eyes to you can't read in between the lines very well.
She said "no" for whatever reason...move on...
Good Luck!
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 10
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History
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:02:25 AM
Don't compromise who you are as it is pointless in the long run. There are women out there that appreciate lengthy responses, and I mean a lot if you have read this forum lol.

You are too serious about exploring the reasons behind a woman not being interested with intricate details, but sometimes the simple answer is the most logical. Some women don't like short men, and when I am told that I move on to women who do not care about my height.
 IntegralMan
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 11
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:02:33 AM
It is not a matter of liking, rather, of the way in which others misunderstand you and the defensive posture Mary took when she replied to me. Apparently, this has no significance to to many on this forum but to me it speaks volumes.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 12
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History
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:05:47 AM
I would take a defensive posture too if I told someone I like the color blue, and they said something was wrong with me.

Taste, or preferences aren't easily quantified or defined as it varies with age, social/cultural background, life experiences, etc.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 13
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:07:26 AM
I know exactly what you are going through. At least you got a response though, look at it like that. I shortened my profile, and had someone review it. You might need to do the same.

If a woman says they don't want to date me because of my height, I usually reply to them with something like this: I wish my mother would have been as shallow as you, then maybe I'd have turned out taller. Good luck finding someone who is half the man I am, but twice my height. That would be a good catch for you.

I could be wrong for responding like that, but it is how I felt at the time.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 14
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:10:45 AM
OP, no offense, but your profile is now overkill--I assume it was a bit of an overkill before you changed it to what you posted in this thread.

You are the defensive one! You paint a picture of a woman whom you do not know and will not ever know. You put words in her mouth and thoughts in her head. If you contacted me, I would not even bother to wade through what you have written.

In my six years on dating sites, I have come to avoid men who are "serious" on their profiles and pour out their hearts' longings and their needs. When I meet someone in real life, we do not immediately begin to discuss deep issues; there is small talk, there is banter--the serious stuff comes later.


So if men are not allowed to express their thoughts on what really matter to them in a profile, then what should we say? be yourself? Write positive happy things and share the activities you like the most? That’s fine but even if I did, it’s not going to make much of an impression unless my activities are jet flying, car racing, horseback riding, or boating- you know, the kind of things rich men do.


I have experimented with different types of profiles from the serious to the demanding to the humorous; out of all of them, the humorous gets the most positive comments. I also use my profile like a blog or a chapters from a book; I get positive comments from those venues, as well.


she does not want men to “write things women want to hear”. Really? Then what’s the purpose of writing a profile and sending messages to others? As I see it, men and women are out to impress -either by flaunting their good looks, achievements, or in my case writing a thought provoking profile.


What "Mary" meant by men writing what they think women want to hear is that what the man says isn't what he thinks or wants, but he is willing to say it because he thinks it will attract women--it is a manipulation tool.

In your estimation, your profile might have been "thought-provoking," but it if were anything like you have on your profile now, it most likely came across as ponderous and didactic.


For her, it’s Ok to be serious physically and flaunt it but God forbid you should be serious on an emotional level.


Did she tell you that she is impressed by a man flaunting his muscles?


An individual with considerable spiritual depth would have said something like this

Dear IntegralMan,

By the tone in your profile you are no doubt a serious person and it certainly
has its place in love and life; I can see what you meant about caring. You have
very different views than most men and I appreciate a man with depth.
However, and as I stated in my profile, (which she did) I like to take things
slow. Is this something you could honor should we meet?


Dude, get over yourself! You need to understand that people are different; we have different personalities and we want different things in life. You are not going to appeal to every woman. She didn't like what you wrote--it is not the end of the world!


This is another issue that bugs me, but suffice it to say men and women still have much to learn as to what really matters in love and life. And if there is one major thing we need to learn is to free ourselves of the bondage of the romantic myths we grew up in since it is the only way to move forward in the cultivation of our own emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth.


Stop preaching and develop a sense of humor.

This is a DATING site!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 15
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:16:39 AM
OP, your self worth is way too wrapped up in what people think of you. Especially what they think of your online dating profile.

You have to accept the fact that ladies get many offers to meet online. They cannot possibly honor every single request. Id have to stop working if I agreed to meet every single man who emailed me here. So, we begin to weed out. You may not agree with the means people use to weed out, but that is why they say life is not fair....because it aint fair!

I have emailed men who seemingly match me on every level, only to not be responded to. Oh well...I know had we met in another format, like in real life-we likely would like one another as people, but I have no means of showing myself in that light online, and I just have to accept it. As do you.

Meeting in real life is better for this reason. People in real life can see the way a light catches your eyes, see the twinkle in your eyes when you laugh, see your kind gesture to an older lady by holding a door or carrying her bag, smell your aftershave, see how nice your jeans fit your bum. All of the things that can build an attraction. None of that comes through on a profile. It is just words and pictures. Dont take it so personally. Get out and meet people in real life.

This should be like the lottery-you cant win if you dont play, but dont count on it for your retirement plan!!
 IntegralMan
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 16
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:18:31 AM
Dude, why are you taking one woman's response to you and turning it into some deep philosophical study? The woman didn't like your profile. So what? In the time you wrote this forum post, you could've written to 20 more women who might have liked you. You seem a bit anal!!

Someone said I had "short man" syndrome and now you say I'm being anal. Interestingly, no one has, so far, understood what I was driving at. Judging me prematurely seems to be the preferred choice of everyone here. Yes, your right, she did not like my profile and the matter should end there, yes? Well, not quite. Many of men hate being rejected -I hate it when I'm being misunderstood. ....I had no idea the depth in which so many women look at being serious with such scorn- men too.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 17
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History
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:29:53 AM
IntegralMan

I understand perfectly what you are saying, but like others, I will convey you should move on. People are different, so they will obviously have different interests, goals, and likes/dislikes.

Trying to rationalize why this is the case is more complex than you realize. So, it is paramount that you embrace the truth that the simple answer is the most reasonable in such situations.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 18
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:36:29 AM
When you ASSume you make an ASS out of U and ME.

That being said,,,,,,,,,,,,this thread might have been better served in the PROFILE REVIEW section. But chances are, you wouldn't take any of the advice you would get there either...........

It's a fact that men and women view dating and how they go about it differently. That's not going to change. If you can't accept getting turned down, then maybe you shouldn't be here...........
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 19
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:43:15 AM
I believe...Elvis has left the building...lol.
He doesn't take advice very well does he?

 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 20
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 7:45:30 AM
...and he is gone.

People hate being told to chill!!! lol
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 21
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:00:37 AM

Judging me prematurely seems to be the preferred choice of everyone here.
Listen, what you wrote here was just another person complaining that they can't find someone on here who wants them.

Your reasoning is it's because the women on here seem to not want to hear 'seriousness'.. about life and love and the deep thinking aspects of both.. from a man straight off the bat.

You judge (yes you're judging too) that they must only want to be light hearted, never getting into the serious discussions of life/love and it's meanings. And that they will never want to get into the seriousness of any of it.

I'm a very light-hearted happy sort of person.. I live life that way!...
BUT I ALSO love to have deep discussions and I ALSO DO take my life and relationships seriously.
I love for a man to be upbeat and happy, etc, but I'd also love for a man to be able to talk about the spiritual/emotional/whatever serious things in life too.

YOU 'judge' that because someone wants to start out light hearted and with 'surface' stuff, they probably will not later.. tomorrow.. whenever.. want to get into the serious stuff that life is also made of.
Some who read a profile full of only 'serious' will judge that the person probably doesn't have a light hearted side.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 22
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:02:49 AM
Well, yep, he's gone.

Guess he took his seriousness elsewhere.

Betcha he peeks back in to read!
 hotmerlot
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 23
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:08:57 AM
I couldn't even read this whole thing.

Could you just cut to the chase and shorten it to read; "Little man with big soapbox seeks acolyte".

It won't get you more dates, but it will be easier to read.

Thanks
 orionids4ever
Joined: 8/14/2011
Msg: 24
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:19:28 AM
I know what you are driving at. You obviously are obsessing on this woman because of her looks. How about contacting more women and mix it up a bit. Perhaps you should read their profiles and try not to go just by attractiveness or beauty and give the "average" looking ladies a chance. You will surely find someone with whom you can connect on a deeper level.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 25
Why So Serious...
Posted: 12/23/2011 8:22:08 AM
Damn, she just told the OP to lower his standards. Are you sure you know what you are doing?
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