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 mamasamash
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 1
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Sex and ComitmentPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've been a member POF for a while but havnt visited teh forums before, maybe a lot of you probably tihnk im being a prude but whatever happened to romance and not jsut sex in a relationship and reading the forums there doesnt even have to be a relationship. Maybe im old fashioned but I want to cared for, romanced I dont just want sex. Not until there is a definite comminttmnet to each other , Ive been married, divorced, had 4 kids and would like not just mess about with my heart anymore. Does anyone else think that thers more to a relationship or is it just sex?
 Nellies50
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 2
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/23/2011 12:43:48 PM
I agree with y'all too, but having a hard time finding a man who wants a relationship...ugh!! dating again at 50.,,is no fun....lol
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 3
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/23/2011 3:12:10 PM
Considering that so many marriages start to deteriorate because of mismatched sexual apetites and desires its hardly surprising that even people who ARE looking for a committed relationship would be just as eager to establish some degree of compatibility in that area as they would where personality is concerned

Relating back to the "good old days" isnt really very valid on the topic of sex either really as "back then" sex wasnt something most women "enjoyed" and was demaned by husbands and seen as a "chore" by many women. Hence the amount of couples who had a routine sunday morning fumble which was their entire sex life and even that was "heaven" compared to the very common occurence of a detached and sexless marriage

But the common view here seems to be that you dont think sex is important, that sexual compatibility isnt relevevant (because sex isnt important), and youre not really that bothered about having sex

So rather than complaining about men who DO see sex as an important aspect of a relationship and whom would seek to see if sex "could" be enjoyable with somebody fairly early on rather than "wasting" time only to find out there was no sexual chemistry or compatibility why not just put your lack of deemed importance of sex on your profiles and then youre only going to attract men who will have an EQUAL lack of interest in sex

Surely clearing and specifically outlining your views on sex is a better approach than not mentioning it and then complaining when you dont magically get exactly what you were hoping for?
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 4
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/23/2011 3:31:46 PM
Yes.
Most do.
But they are not the ones constantly posting in Sex And Sexuality are they.
Spend more time in the other topics and threads.
I read this section just for amusement.
It mainly benefits folks who want to toss a salad or strap something on
....and/or other crazy TMI stuff.
 DoubleParked
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 5
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/23/2011 3:56:44 PM
Most of us here are pretty normal, (I think) or as the more sexually adventurous among us say 'vanilla'.

toss a salad or strap something on
What does this MEAN!?! Tossing a salad?

I, too, come here for the entertainment value, but have learned a lot of new terms for certain sexual activities. And have learned about activities that I never thought of, and might or might not indulge in, given the opportunity.

It's never too late to learn new things. Though some times I read stuff that I really hope doesn't stick in my mind. Lordy
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 6
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/23/2011 5:40:03 PM
^^^^
I did not know what that term meant either....
till being bored in this backwater.

I'd blush having to explain it.
do a thread search.
But not in the food topics
as it is not a gourmet term.
LOL
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 7
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/23/2011 5:47:08 PM


toss a salad or strap something on

What does this MEAN!?! Tossing a salad?

I've had to caution my mother about asking questions when she might not be fully prepared to hear the answer. Do you really want to know? Really? Are you sure....? Analingus.

As for the OP, sure.. there are lots of people who feel that committment is a requirement before sex. I'm one of them. I just also happen to be really, really open and adventerous in my sex life as well.

I also learned a long time ago how to separate the physical act from the emotional one. That worked well for me in my 20s, not so well now. I'm finding the idea of random hookups to be, well, unappealing.

Sex and Dating is not for the faint of heart. People here are rather outspoken about sex. Doesn't mean that all of POF is all about the casual encounter, but a higher portion of POF members that post here aren't opposed to them either.

So welcome to Sex and Dating. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Just remember to not take things you read here too seriously. Heads have been known to explode.
 Oh_Jodie_baby
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 8
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/24/2011 1:09:29 AM
I would never have sex with someone just because I thought they were good looking or rich or just for the sake of being horny. I have never slept with anyone I wasn't in love with. But I have only been with one man too lol. We've been broken up for six months now and everyone thought that after a three year relationship I would go out and sleep around and enjoy being a free woman but my morals haven't changed. If there's no deep emotional connection then there's no sex. No matter how long it's been...
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 9
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/24/2011 12:06:42 PM

Does anyone else think that thers more to a relationship or is it just sex?


Isnt that a bit of a nonsensical question?

In any real sense of the word there isnt a "relationship" if theres "JUST SEX", its just a f*ck buddy, nothing more

Similarly claiming you have (in the dating sense of the word) a "relationship" without sex is also just as silly

An interaction with "just sex" is an FB or booty call, but an interaction without sex is platonic

Infact if someone is having "just sex" why would you even class that in any real sense of the word as "a relationship"??

So chances are when people talk about "just sex" what they REALLY mean is an actual relationship. Where there is "also" sex, rather than JUST sex

So we kind of wander over the line a bit there and have to ponder what kind of partner somebody would make who sees "some sex" mixed in with social interaction as being so big an encumberment of their time that it feels like theres "just" sex going on and nothing else really

It does sort of create the impression of someone who's skin crawls at the thought of sexual intimacy really, hence the reason that a fractional part of the interaction feels as thought its "all" that is going on

Wow, what an attractive long term prospect THAT mindset is?
 DudeistPriest
Joined: 3/30/2009
Msg: 10
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 1:50:06 AM
I would think that even the folks that just want sex would agree that there is more to a relationship than sex. Maybe you should look at it from the other side. Perhaps it's not that they just want sex, but rather that they don't want a relationship at this moment.
It may sound the same, but it goes to motive.
I'm not seeking a LTR at this time, but still have sex, only three times in the past year in fact, so it's not like I'm trying to hump every skirt that walks by.
 coyotefeller
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 11
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 2:34:03 AM
I wish more people would realize that sex is a commitment !
Think about it !
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 12
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 5:59:06 AM

and not jsut sex in a relationship and reading the forums there doesnt even have to be a relationship ... Does anyone else think that thers more to a relationship or is it just sex?

Those are two totally different topics. No, there doesn't have to be a relationship to have sex. If you think there has to be a relationship to have sex, then doesn't a relationship become more about sex, since you'd be making it a big elephant in the room? For those who aren't sucked into cultural-status-quo-dogma, sex and sex alone, and relationships are two different things. A real relationship for adults requires sex, but sex and sex alone does not require a relationship. Same goes with say, making out.

Everyone knows that there is more to relationships than sex. People have far more heartache, pain, and whining due to things not related to sex -- and are pretty basic -- one person just losing interest in another, or not that interested in the first place but was wished that they were.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 13
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 12:09:31 PM

Isnt that a bit of a nonsensical question?

In any real sense of the word there isnt a "relationship" if theres "JUST SEX", its just a f*ck buddy, nothing more

Similarly claiming you have (in the dating sense of the word) a "relationship" without sex is also just as silly

An interaction with "just sex" is an FB or booty call, but an interaction without sex is platonic

Infact if someone is having "just sex" why would you even class that in any real sense of the word as "a relationship"??

Because all those things ARE relationships in their own right.

re·la·tion·ship   /rɪˈleɪʃənˌʃɪp/ Show Spelled[ri-ley-shuhn-ship] Show IPA
noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 14
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 12:25:12 PM
But the people whinging about this on the thread arent researchers for websters or the oxford dictionary

So they are using the word relationship in a very specific way, and one that is made clear by the surrounding words

Clinging to a dictionary definition is usually the resort of somebody who doesnt have a valid point to make and wants to hide behind pedantry which I kind of assumed you were above from other posts of yours I've read

But in THIS specific context "relationship" is being used purely in a dating context. Otherwise we would have to assume theyre also talking about strangers on a bus, people they work with, counter sales assistants at starbucks, traffic wardens and even their kids and family members ALSO only seeing sex as an important part of their relationship

I think even to a blind corpse it would be clearly obvious that isnt the case. So the cotnext of the word relationship therefore ISNT being used in an all encompassing multi defined manner. But in a clearly and specifically defined one

Dating

So throwing aside the importance of sex with the stranger you chat to for 5 minutes on the bus and all the other unrelated definitions of the word "relationship" sex IS a valid component of a relationship in the dating sense of the word

So to expect "commitment" or even what could fully be called a "relationship" is a mild case of putting the cart before the horse majoratively

The word "interaction" would probably be far more apt, and would equally describe sex but no social interaction, or social interaction without sex

When you have BOTH sex and social interaction it would be far more acurately described as a "relationship" in the fullest sense of the word

Otherwise all the people whinging about sex on the thread if they took your broad definition as "the" definition should just immediately remove their goo catchers and shag anyone they talk to for more than three seconds

because they are infact having a "relationship" with those people the moment they make eye contact or speak to each other in the loosest sense of the word

Seeing as they want a "relationship" before they have sex

So again using your all encompassing definition, they ought to be rutting like rabbits after a couple of hours really as that is a "relationship" of some description. Infact why even wait?

The chatting prior to meeting ALSO meets the broadest definitions of a "relationship" too so they really ought to be turning up commando and lubed up ready to go shouldnt they?

Or we can just acknowledge the fact theyre applying a much more specific definition of the word relationship here and stop wheeling out eroneous dictionary references that have no relevance whatsoever to the actual topic being discussed?

Personally I'd tend to go with the later

 statemachine500
Joined: 8/25/2011
Msg: 15
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 12:34:31 PM

Because all those things ARE relationships in their own right.

re·la·tion·ship   /rɪˈleɪʃənˌʃɪp/ Show Spelled[ri-ley-shuhn-ship] Show IPA
noun
1. a connection, association, or involvement.
2. connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4. a sexual involvement; affair.


Number 1 is the wrapper.
Number 2 is family by blood or legal agreement
Number 3 can be any relationship be it business,education,etc.
Number 4 is typically at least an affair,I don't believe most people would count random one nighters as relationships.

No sex in an affair or steady dating =platonic
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 16
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/25/2011 6:33:38 PM
Because all those things ARE relationships in their own right.

It's the context in which they're referring to "relationship". "Relationship" meaning, a romantic relationship and in the very least, being a couple.

I used to think an exclusive relationship was the same as committed but it is not.

Nope, not technically. If say, you decide to go exclusive after a first date, no, it doesn't mean you're in a "committed" relationship, meaning thru thick & thin you'll stick together. Going exclusive off the bat of meeting someone usually is for the purpose of brushing away competition and wanting the focal point to be on you (and them)... and sometimes be like and feel like a couple ASAP (which is usually just 'playing house' as a couple at that point when done that quick).

Other people like exclusivity to the point where they can see themselves wanting to be in a committed relationship with the other, after they've gotten to know them pretty well.

Committed though has it's different degrees, so it can be a little fuzzy. Marriage brings forth more commitment even after it's been an LTR for quite some time.

Here's how I place exclusivity & commitment, in the 3 main phases of the dating & relationship scene:

1) Pre-Dating Phase: You're just getting to know each other. To see each other again is planned, not a given. By default, you're not exclusive, and with most people, there's no expectation to be. IMO, it commonly lasts thru 3-5 dates or 3 weeks, then it gets to fish-or-cut-bait for many (although some people like to float longer in this phase).

2) Dating Phase: You've gotten to know each other, and have been frequently seeing each other. Seeing each other again is not planned, it's a given. You're exclusive, although not "committed" per se. You don't run at the sign of a bit of a red flag like some may do in the previous one, but you're not going to go thru jump thru a ton of hoops to "make it work" if you're running into problems. You're on the road toward an established relationship, or if kept casual, you like the exclusivity and frequent companionship, but don't want things to get too serious too fast. You are a couple, albeit not too serious (yet?).

3) Relationship: You've frequently dated for quite some time, for several months and you are without question Boyfriend/Girlfriend in all angles of definition. It's expected to be a committed relationship -- you're not going to bolt merely because there's problems that arise ... it's a commitment. You're willing to work thru things to make things work, with the hope that it in the end, it will help you grow together.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 17
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/26/2011 5:04:27 AM
But its not as if its even that black and white Christy

The idea of being in a "committed" relationship with someone you havent even slept with is almost on a par with the type of person who acts like youre married after a few emails or a single date

its excessive, needy, desperate kind of territory and isnt that far removed from the "no sex till marriage" mob really

Why would you be "committed" to somebody you dont even know if you enjoy having sex with? Its not like theres a contract involved. So no amount of imagined "committment" will force someone to stay with you if they find you dull in the sack. So its a bit of a nonsensical delusionary mindset to say the least

Its nothing more than putting a PR spin on the "Youre not getting any till you've jumped through a procession of imaginary worthless hoops to "prove" the totally unproveably worthless crap I need to believe has been proven has occurred" type thing

Spend months building yourself up to hallucinate the delusion of "committment" but it wont mean that when you do think its there and finally "allow" them the priviledge of the reward they have been working so hard for they wont just dump you the next day if they were bored shitless during the act or just didnt find you attractive once the push up chicken fillets and fat relocating undies were in a pile on the floor

So its a deluded concept that someone can become "committed" based on a platonic friendship that hints at "maybe" becoming non platonic at some point in the future

Until its ceased being platonic and actually becomes a FULL relationship the concept of "committment" is null and void anyway because romantic committment doesnt form in a platonic friendship
 coyotefeller
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 18
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/27/2011 12:24:50 PM
Sex right from the start doesn't mean
you can't fill in the blanks later does it !
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 19
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/27/2011 2:33:31 PM
Ok not having time to read this whole thread ..let me explain something to you...men and women speak different languages ..and many times they don't even understand the language they speak

Women want a guy that wants commitment before sex ...even if they say they want sex too..because they have all found themselves with guys that seem to only want sex even though they said they wanted commitment ..but when they meet a guy that don't hit them up for sex soon ...well there must be something wrong with him

Men want to know that a woman likes sex ..even if the want a commitment also ..because they have all found themselves with women that only want a commitment yet when they get it they don't seem to want sex any more ..but when they meet a woman that really wants sex ....well there must be something wrong with her

me thinks this will be a never ending forum topic until people grow up and accept that they both male and female ..can want sex and commitment at the same time ..we are all jaded by the immature people in our pasts ..and our fear of repeating our pasts makes us act immature toward every one we meet

stop judging and have fun ...every one is looking for red flags ..and they look right past people that could be just what they are looking for ..guys think all women have their hearts on their sleeve ....women think all guys have their penises in their hand

every one is looking for love at first sight ...me thinks they should take a few second looks ..the one you pass by may be the one who was meant for you...just saying
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 20
Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/27/2011 3:40:02 PM
Posted By: mamasamash on 12/23/2011 235 PM
Subject: Sex and Comitment
Message: I've been a member POF for a while but havnt visited teh forums before, maybe a lot of you probably tihnk im being a prude but whatever happened to romance and not jsut sex in a relationship and reading the forums there doesnt even have to be a relationship. Maybe im old fashioned but I want to cared for, romanced I dont just want sex. Not until there is a definite comminttmnet to each other , Ive been married, divorced, had 4 kids and would like not just mess about with my heart anymore. Does anyone else think that thers more to a relationship or is it just sex?

I think that what you--and a lot of women, and even some men--are saying is that you want to know someone well enough to feel comfortable and trusting before adding sex to the relationship. Of course you can have a relationship that does not include sex--you can have any type of relationship and add or subtract things as it suits the two of you. You may believe that the foundation of the relationship in things outside of sex will create the basis for a successful sexual relationship as well--that is, if connection and trust are there, initial sexual incompatability can be worked through. If that's how you operate, that's perfectly acceptable and you can look for someone who undersands and/or feels the same way.

Some people find it easier to improve a sexual relationship than a whole lot of other things that might be incompatible. So they'd prefer to find someone they "click" with in non-sexual ways and trust in being able to make the sexual relationship work, too. Obviously, there are cases where that won't be true--really different libidos, for example, may prove too difficult to match. But having a good foundation in the relationship (being trusting and affectionate and emotionally attached) improves the chances of working through sexual differences.

If somoene else wants to find a partner who is sexually compatible first, and then see if the other things mesh, that can work too.

Just be clear about how you see things and your approach to these things, and any man who is really interested in you will be willing to accommodate you. It is not a lot to ask of a caring person to be understanding of someone who cannot enjoy the sexual relationship until they feel emotionally comfortable with their partner.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 22
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Sex and Comitment
Posted: 12/27/2011 4:11:13 PM
^^^ Ditto on the previous post

And "being committed" is pretty much in the same bucket too

The idea of being "committed" to someone you arent even having a full relationship with just seems kind of silly tbh. A bit like buying a car based on a photograph and a photocopy of its MOT


I would be interested to know what exactly this "committment" being sought actually entails

Is there a verbal agreement that when sex does actually happen the person cant then decide they dont want to date them for a minimum of X months afterwards?

Do they have to agree in advance to go on at least one holiday with the person even if they stop seeing each other before the holiday arrives?

Do they have to promise to do the weekly shopping with them and both sit down to a sunday dinner together for no less than 6 months whether or not theyre still dating?

What exactly are they "committed" to?

What exactly have they "proven"?
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