Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Health Problems      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 1
Health ProblemsPage 1 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
I realize as we age, most of us develop some health problems. When you're in the getting-to-know someone stage, is it OK to ask about health problems? Has anyone ever asked and then freaked out when you learned about someone's health problems?

I was chatting with a guy the other night and he asked me if I had any health problems. I admitted I'd had a liver transplant 8 years ago due to contracting hep c through a blood transfusion, but that I'm perfectly healthy now. Obviously I don't drink and quit smoking years ago. He told me he was a smoker (shows as non-smoker on his profile), had high blood pressure and diabetes. He takes a pill for diabetes instead of watching his diet and exercising ... "it's easier". He also has a host of other problems -- asthma, COPD and he sleeps with one of those masks. He takes about 12 different medications for various problems. I was kinda freaked out -- I only take 2 and I had a transplant!

He mentioned something about meeting, but I told him I couldn't be around a smoker. Honestly, all the other health problems freaked me out. Especially his lack of concern for his own health. I don't mind dating someone with health problems as long as they're being addressed.

Would this make ya'll uneasy or am I just overreacting? I think he's a heart attack just waiting to happen.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 2
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 11:14:04 AM
Oh Hell yea, If he's not interested in taking care of his health then that is his problem and no you are not overreacting, I would wish him the best of luck on the site and call it a night.

Health problems is one thing, someone not taking care of him self is another, not smart in my books.
Ive dated people with health problems before no big deal, but I draw the line of someone who wont take care of themselves.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 3
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 11:21:18 AM
Personally, I'd react the same way as you in this particular instance, b/c the man is clearly NOT healthy. I know how much I can take on my plate and this would be a much higher risk for additional burden than I am willing to take. I know me: If I care about someone, I'll be there for them as much as I can. So I would take a pass on this level of risk.

I think it is probably a pretty individualized, case-by-case scenario when it comes to issues regarding health of our potential parnter. A similar question arises when you are adopting a child--would you consider a child with special needs. Some people will, others won't--and then to those who won't, some people say, "but you could birth a child with special needs!" Yep, absoslutely true, and we'd each learn to handle it. But not *everyone* has the same threshold for welcoming challenges into their lives; they doubt themselves, or whatever. I think it is pointless for anyone to tell someone else that they are "wrong" for recognizing their own limitations (or what they think are their limitations), or that they are "wrong" for not choosing to welcome certain burdents or risks. And, for the record, I have two kids w/special needs; one birthed and one adopted :) I'm now a special ed teacher. I have a very high threshold for taking on risk when it comes to my kids. Not so much with a potential partner.
 ShellLadySD
Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 4
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:01:10 PM
Not overreacting at all.

That's a really big deal to me. Not only whether the other person is healthy or not, but how they care for their health. Too many meds, prescribed or not, over-reliance on MDs and not taking charge of their own health. I can be friends with anyone, but I wouldn't think of a long-term relationship with someone who isn't willing to do all they can to be really healthy both physically and emotionally.

With that stated, if I met up with an old friend who'd made some bad choices but was currently making good ones, my decision would likely be more accommodating. I'm a huge advocate of alternative healthcare and couldn't be comfortable long-term with someone who I couldn't trust to also be an advocate as well.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 5
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:22:38 PM

army mom .....sorry i just think you are being rude. Seriously do you think he enjoys bad health? I doubt it.You are overacting and probably hurt him. Having said that someone might not want to date you because of your previous liver thing.Yes i have health issues and sure didnt ask for it,and whoever doesnt want to date me because of it . Too damn bad for them. Who made you a medical wonder ???? damn lady...
whoa there lady, wow did we wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? holy ( beep) I'm not sure how that is being rude? the guy health issues are his issues not anyone else issue, he wasn't being honest, he smokes but on his profile it doesn't indicate that, second she is a non smoker, most non smokers don't want to be around smokers.

The fact that he choose to take pills for his problems instead of proper diet and exercise is whose fault? I don't remember reading if the OP stated she was a medical wonder? FFS.

Big difference between having a health issue and dealing with vs not dealing with ? no.
The OP wasn't being rude, if the guy has issues with his health well he better do what normal people with will does , do something about it.

 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 6
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:26:05 PM

do you think he enjoys bad health? I doubt it.You are overacting and probably hurt him. Having said that someone might not want to date you because of your previous liver thing.Yes i have health issues and sure didnt ask for it,


^ are you serious? According to the OP, this guy has COPD and he is smoking (btw, he lied about being a non smoker!); he has Diabetes and isn't adhering to a diet--> so YES, he is ASKING FOR IT; big time!

Army mom is NOT being rude; she is being smart!
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 7
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:30:10 PM

She did not state she was a medical wonder I said she was, get your facts straight iceman. I am entitled to my opinion as you are.
so then point out how she was rude to the guy? you have a opinion great, so lets back them up
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 8
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:41:39 PM
OMG you answered a question praise Gawdddddddd, so she is rude for being freaked out that he lied about things and his other medical issues so this makes her rude? gotcha now.

Good thing she didn't invite him for dinner and told him after, and he was expecting Roast beef and roasted potatoes and only got Linguini and Alfredo sauce eh , good Lord.

Yeah I agree with you that its YOUR OPINION

End of story.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 9
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:45:47 PM
am I just overreacting?


hell no... sounds awful.
I was dx with a rare type of breast cancer in 2009, come to find out in 2010 I have a genetic condition that predisposes me to cancer... or a much higher rate than most people.... I would also not be around anyone like this as you desribed him.

He does not take care of himself, maybe he figures a woman will be his nurse when his legs are amputated from complications of diabetes ! diabetes is nothing to play around with.. he could even end up going blind !

I have a relative ( my bloodline) who also has this genetic issue I have... they ( about a decade younger than I am) dx with liver cancer, had like 20 feet of intestines removed, diabetes, several episodes of pancreatic problems etc.. still smoking and drinking and DOES DRUGS ! spouse left them.. that is kinda irresponsible behavior from a grown person and puts too much pressure on the spouse.
I am on no meds but baby asprin and vit d3, take some green tea and tumeric supplements, try to eat right.
It would be very hard to be with someone with such destructive habits, esp since yu have had health scares and know how serious health going bad can be.

no matter how nice this person may be............ you have what is called
"lifestyle differences" that I do not believe can be worked out.
so much worse can happen than heart attack or death......... he could have a stroke, not die, be a vegetable, get his legs amputated... all becoming VERY dependent on YOU !!!
ugh
My husband married me depsite my breast cancer issue and the genetic mutation... but I do not have a destructive lifestyle. I ma also financially very strong and have medical insurance/ dental. etc...

OP I have met people in the past ( before marrying) who lied too about just about everything.. it's a bad sign.. next he will be broke, no health insurance, nothing....... bad sign there is so much deciet from him.
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 10
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:49:28 PM

Would this make ya'll uneasy or am I just overreacting?


Doesn't sound too sexy to me
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 11
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:52:22 PM
Dear Gem 8: You obviously completely missed the point of my post. In fact, even if he didn't have health problems, I would not have dated him because he was a smoker. I found out he had tons of other medical problems. Having dealt with very serious medical issues in my past, I've chosen to take care of myself and changed my lifestyle completely so to stave off further complications.

As far as my "precious liver thing" ... you obviously aren't informed enough to know that hundreds of people die every day waiting for transplants. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have been granted a second chance at life and will do whatever is in my power to continue to enjoy good health. And I don't think that includes taking responsibility for someone who doesn't care enough about his own health to try to fix it.

Having said that, I'm sorry for whatever health issues you are suffering. No one asks to get sick. How we choose to deal with the cards we are dealt is an entirely personal thing to each person.

And for the record, my transplant status has indeed scared off several men. I have no problem with that. My ex-husband divorced me while I was still in the ICU after the transplant and I certainly didn't let that stop me from recovering and living a good life.
 Dave of Indiana
Joined: 3/18/2009
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 12:54:55 PM
It would depend on the health problem. Health issues caused by life style choices would be an issue.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 13
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 1:18:38 PM
I don't feel you overreacted, OP, as I, too, won't date a smoker.

The last relationship I was in, I broke off because he had issues. One of which he abused Oxy's and similar pills and would juggle two different doctors and pharmacies to enable himself to get the drugs. He, of course, would never admit to abusing the drugs.

I had enough and left.
 BegrabMeinHerz
Joined: 10/10/2011
Msg: 14
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 1:37:39 PM
No your not overreacting. Does someone looking for LTR really want to fall in love with someone who's habits will lead too an early death.



He takes a pill for diabetes instead of watching his diet and exercising ... "it's easier".

You also dodged an idiot. That pill doesn't do much without the other two according to my doctor.
 Buckets_of_Sky
Joined: 2/7/2010
Msg: 15
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 3:08:10 PM
Overreacted, no of course not.

I wouldn't want to get involved with someone like that on purpose, I have people I love in my life that have health problems already I don't need more. I want someone that can do things with me, such as enjoy a vacation that includes a hike or snorkeling, not just sitting around. I would have reacted in the same way.

I feel as if a man (0r women) like this is really looking for a nurse, not a romantic partner (and before anyone jumps me I want to make it clear it is just an example, and only that).
 Ready_Real
Joined: 12/30/2010
Msg: 16
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 4:35:57 PM

Would this make ya'll uneasy or am I just overreacting?
.

Yes: he lied about being a "non-smoker."
No: most people 45+ have health problems. Sounds as if his health problems are not the issue so much as the choices he is making to live (and die prematurely) with them.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 17
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 5:04:29 PM
I had cancer in 2002, joined online dating in 2007...after the 5 years was up that I was suppose to not make it to see.

It is a very cruel world, talked with some wonderful men and couldnt figure out what was going on, they would tell me how interested they were and then poof...finally one guy said to me...you had cancer and they are afraid it will come back and they will end up being a nursemaid OR you will die and break their heart.

Then he said that while men would always be interested in *shagging with me, very few would risk loving me because most consider me damaged. Later on a few more said the same thing about being damaged :(.

I thought it was so mean and hateful (made me cry for days that I had lived thru all of that to end up alone :( but the more I reflected on it, the more I have to say I agree with people who aren't or havent had a major life changing event like cancer, heart attack etc and who consider themselves healthy are going to automatically assume that someone who has had something happen are a big risk.

A few years ago I met a guy who posted the 10 year old pictures, was very successful, told me how he had women lined up to meet him blah blah blah (don't ya just hate it when they try and convince you what a catch they are and how you should feel honored that they are directing their attention your way). After a bit he told me he was going to be *straight up with me, told me he had had the same type of cancer but he doesnt tell anyone cause of how people will perceive him, he keeps it light and free and doesnt encourage anyone to do more than date (sleep with him) cause he didnt think it was fair to risk hurting them if the cancer came back (he was only 2 years out).

I will never be accused of being a saint that for sure but I just couldnt imagine have an endless parade of guys into my bed as a way to keep from feeling anything for any one person. Finally met a wonderful man and at first I was very hesitant to be anything more than friends and when he asked why I explained, he said, "Don't worry if you get sick again, Ill be there for you and we will beat it together."

So while some might consider those who have had major life changing events happen as damaged, others are going to see how the experience has made them a better person. I know that while it was a **** of a ride the end results for me have been so liberating, I am 100% better person now than I was, I have different goals and beliefs and outlook on life. I have heard several others say the same thing.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 6:44:57 PM
Sounds as if his health problems are not the issue so much as the choices he is making


I agree.
He is not making good choices about his health, and life.
There are so many things WORSE than death. Being a veggie head after a stroke
unable to speak.. or move........ugh
no feet or legs ( often the case with diabetics who don't get with it)
Much m0re... why risk it when your already high risk?

ugh
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 19
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 7:21:09 PM

Sounds as if his health problems are not the issue so much as the choices he is making


I agree with this too. It's not the fact he has health issues, it's the fact he isn't fully addressing them. It's the fact he's simply swallowing a tablet and continuing with the bad habits which created the problems to start with.

That's like putting a band-aid over a festering wound in my opinion. It's denial.
 coastalmermaid
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 20
Health Problems
Posted: 12/29/2011 8:33:22 PM
Totally disagree with msg. 22 which states "most people over the age of 45 have health issues". Working in health care for many years in my area a more accurate statement would be that many people over the age of 55 have health issues stemming from lifestyle choices not conducive to good health or long life spans. Even if a person quits smoking after 30 years...the physioligical facts can not be changed short of miraculous intervention. Irreparable damage is done to the lungs, heart, and many other body systems consequently all leading up to extreme health challenges after the age of about 50.

I think this quote just about sums it up for many, "The behavior of many people reflects the individual belief that statistical probability, when it is bad, applies only to others". Hence, the gentleman 'armymom' was interacting with probably felt justified lying on his profile about his smoking because he is in total denial about any adverse physical reactions this may cause to his health.

Even if there were an attraction, the inherent incongruencies in personal beliefs about health would not make for any lasting relationship. No one can know what challenges we will all be faced with in the future...but it's our responsibility to ourselves and those whom we love and love us to act responsibly towards our health. All we can do is try to eliminate or at least minimize as many risk factors as possible. From the sounds of it this gentleman just didn't care and possibly expected to attract a woman to be his future care-giver.

It would absolutely 'freak me out' that this person had the 'expectation' to be taken seriously by someone in good health to qualify as a potential life partner.

Just an aside...some of the first major systems to be impacted by diabetes are vision, kidney function, and reproductive...read...erectile dysfunction for life no turning back no hope period....and he want's to subject his potential partner to all that???
 TryAgan
Joined: 4/4/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/30/2011 3:48:48 AM

He takes about 12 different medications for various problems.

Well, 12 medications and cigarettes would practically guarantee a poisoned body. Beside, they could also interfere with Viagra.
 kari135
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/30/2011 11:37:04 AM

Totally disagree with msg. 22 which states "most people over the age of 45 have health issues". Working in health care for many years in my area a more accurate statement would be that many people over the age of 55 have health issues stemming from lifestyle choices not conducive to good health or long life spans. Even if a person quits smoking after 30 years...the physioligical facts can not be changed short of miraculous intervention. Irreparable damage is done to the lungs, heart, and many other body systems consequently all leading up to extreme health challenges after the age of about 50.

Try reading for comprehension. "Most" is not "All" by any means. I'm well past 50, but I also don't have 'health issues' - what I do have are more along the line of age-related structural issues. None of them are treatable, chronic, or terminal. One began in my 20s due to an accident, and I've long since learned to cope.

I think the key point in your post is 'my area' - there are differences from one area to another. And that doesn't include genetics. Genetics really is a lot more important than many people think - I am by far the healthiest one in my family overall, no cancer, no diabetes, no heart disease, no hypertension, nothing whatsoever I need meds for. I lean towards being vegetarian, but it's because of cost, not lifestyle choice. I also drink - not much - and smoke - again, not much, but I have off and on since I was 16. The one real disability I have is vision related, and it's genetic. There's not a single damned thing I could have done that would have kept it from happening. My sibs have pretty much everything in the book, and they live healthy lives. Hasn't done them much good at all - and once again, it's that roll of the genetic dice that caused it.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/30/2011 1:17:40 PM
I typed the following on another thread ... then wondered if it didn't make more sense to post it here ... and basically wanted to see if I knew how to "cut" and "paste" !!! so the content may not exactly fit this thread ... sorry!


that whole looking for someone healthy concept can be over-rated, too ... I was dating a perfectly WONDERFUL man who appeared completely healthy, beautiful, strong ... I was perched on a fence one day and he reached up and lifted me down ... a couple of months later when he was still 45, we went out on my birthday and, after our date, he went home to bed, put his book down on his chest, folded his hands over the book and simply died ...

there was no foreseeing that ... I think finding a healthy man to date would potentially lead to a false sense of confidence that he was going to be there in the morning ... alive, I mean.

on the other hand, the man I'm looking for would be mentally sharp ... which can also turn on a dime ... but you have to start somewhere ...

I think that, if I found a man I was really drawn to and he to me ... and he had health issues ... that would be alright ... because just finding someone intellectually, emotionally, philosophically, politically, etc., etc. compatible with me is going to be enough of a challenge!
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 24
Health Problems
Posted: 12/30/2011 1:48:37 PM
Molly, I know from experience that one moment your life is going in one direction, you go in for a check-up and something isnt right a week later you are in the hospital...

People who feel they can find someone at any age that is guaranteed to live a long healthy life are just fooling themselves, a car accident or something else can rob an individual of their health.

Take the op in this case, had a liver transplant and has moved her life forward, yet some have rejected her based on it and then she is rejecting this guy on his health issues....

We all think OUR health problems < THEIR health problems

Life isnt fair but karma can be a ****!
 tallguyinfla
Joined: 9/8/2011
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Health Problems
Posted: 12/30/2011 1:51:08 PM

He mentioned something about meeting, but I told him I couldn't be around a smoker.


Sounds very deceptive and self damaging. I dont think you would want to meet him for those reasons. I have apnea and I use a mask to sleep as well. Can be caused by being too heavy but for me it is the shape of my palate . No big deal; if I dont wear it I get a poor sleep. You were right to tell him to look elsewhere.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Health Problems