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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Help! He wants to move in.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 MidshipMom
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 1
Help! He wants to move in.Page 1 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I have been dating this man for about a year. Last month he kicked his roommate out for not paying his half, and now he cannot afford to live on his own and wants to move in with me. I told him flat out, "No I am not ready," but he won’t let it go.

That should have been the end of the conversation, but I care for him and don't want to see him homeless. So we talked about the finances, and his idea was to pay far less than what he currently pays so he could use the rest to start a personal savings account. He also wants to go to school full time which means quitting his job altogether. That means I would be responsible for everything. Of course, I said no, but then he countered with I knew from the start that he doesn't make a lot, and if I let him live rent-free for a few years he could go to school to get a better job.

I knew that was a bad deal (for me), so I offered to help him in other ways -- to find a new roommate, to help him pay for a moving truck, or money for first month's rent. He wanted to know if it was a loan or a gift. He ultimately wanted a couple thousand without having to pay it back so he could get back on his feet. He said as my GF, I should want to help him in any way I can.

I think this is the beginning of the end, but like I said I also care for him and don't want to kick him when he's down. I realize facing homelessness is very stressful and I have it in my power to make everything all right, but in doing so the power in our relationship shifts; I become the ''mom," the rescuer, the landlord, the caretaker and that itself brings up a whole other boatload of problems. I want a more equal partnership. Perhaps someone on the board can help me see something I am not getting.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 2
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 9:52:51 AM
Its not your job to play Tenant finder, Loan officer, Mom, caretaker, Mover, psychologist etc.
The guy is taking advantage of you , let me give a possible scenario OP.

Lets say you let him move in , pays no rent, you pay the bills, his lifestyle maybe his education, he finds a better job, and then moves out because he found someone else by "accident" and wants to pursue her because she is exciting, meanwhile you played loan officer, nurse maid, sex partner, therapist etc .

Kick his ass to the curb he is a user and a loser, no man of self respect would ever try to convince his girlfriend against her will to make his life easier, if you were not in the picture he would be finding his own roommates and ways to live

Its his responsibility for his financial affairs NOT YOURS.

 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 3
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Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 9:54:15 AM
Help him find another room mate........

if you let him move in, your asking for major issues.
This is his problem not yours.. learn how to word things to not take any responsibilty for the situaution
 palmer f
Joined: 4/3/2008
Msg: 4
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Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 9:54:43 AM
It sounds like he's not willing to share his weight and more than likely will depend on you for his financial well being. I can't believe that he wants you to give his a couple thousand dollars without having to pay it back.

I know you care for the guy and all of that, but it seems to me that you are beginning to realize what kind of man he is and you don't want to be stuck in a living situation with him. It's probably best if you just start to wind the relationship down and move on.

You care about him and all of that, but it seems from what you have written about him, that he's going to become more of burden for you in the future. If you can help him out in other ways that will keep him from becoming homeless then do that, but under no circumstances give him any money with the expectation of it being paid back. He has already told you in so many words that he won't being paying you back.

Sorry OP, but I don't see this relationship going further for too much longer.
 love-n-laughter
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 5
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:02:36 AM
He wants you to feel sorry for him while he youses you that's not good !
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 6
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Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:13:38 AM
He can advertise on Craigslist for free for a roommate or speak to his landlord about leaving the apartment or lowering the rent until he finds someone. Or he can look into renting a furnished room. You are not his Mommy.
But I am assuming this man is around 50 years old? where the hell is his common sense? Did he not think that far ahead when he kicked out his roommate? He has no excuse for being unable to keep a roof over his head when he is seriously contemplating quiting work and mooching off you.
 love-n-laughter
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 7
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:17:51 AM
I think he threw his roommate out because he had plans to move in with all along .
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 8
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:30:45 AM
It shouldn't be the beginning of the end, it should simply be the end. Period. End of discussion.

These are classic lines that people use to scam money. He's laying on the guilt trip and fishing for money any way he can get it, whether it be free room and board or lump sum.

Assuming he is about your age, why in the world is a guy in his 50's talking about going to school at this point in his life? He should be getting ready for retirement, not starting a career.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 9
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:32:18 AM
This is not your responsibility and don't let him guilt you into feeling that it is.

He kicked out his room-mate understandably. He knows he cannot afford to live there on his own. He needs to find a new room-mate.

You've told him that you aren't ready and that's it - done. Your responsibility was to be honest about your view of his suggestion - and you've done that.

Stop discussing what he would/could/should contribute if he were to move in. As you aren't ready, it doesn't matter who would pay what. He's not going to be homeless unless he waits until last minute to find a new room-mate.

You are not his mother or his wife. You are not responsible for him. Don't start down the path of accepting his responsibilities when he tries to pass them your way because it's one heck of a slippery-slope. What he counters with doesn't matter.

If he's pushing you or guilting you into doing something before you are ready, this relationship isn't working. It's not about you being selfish - that's transference. This is about him being selfish by not considering your view in YOUR home and using the manipulation of your feelings for him to get what he wants which is not in any way in your interests.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 10
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Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:33:27 AM
I was surprised to see you're 51. I'm assuming he's around the same age. So he decides to go back to school and you're supposed to foot the bill?
I hope you're not even entertaining the thought of moving him in. You are not his mom. A grown man asking/expecting his girlfriend to support him should tell you what kind of man he is.
Let him rent a room, get a student loan/job.
Get a new boyfriend.
 QueenBeeSweetness
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 11
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 10:40:35 AM

I realize facing homelessness is very stressful and I have it in my power to make everything all right,


Actually, if he was really stressed about becoming homeless, he would be doing everything in his power to not become homeless (and i dont mean trying to move in on you as his SugarMama)..........he would be busting his ass to find a room-mate, take on some extra employment, looking for a small cheap apartment or room to rent, etc. He would not be taking on some fancy ideas about quitting his job, going to school full time, & opening up new bank accounts & living with a SugarMama.

I would not feel comfortable playing Mother to an adult man. He is an adult man, welcome to the real world where people have bills to pay. Heck, i would love to go travel around the world right now & lounge around in a different city or country each day, but i have a home to manage, bills to take care of, a family that depends on me, so oh well i have to settle for little 2 or 3 day mini trips here and there, part of being an adult, we have homes & lives to manage, what world is he living in?

Honey, he wants to use you, plain & simple. You can do better than that. If you ever decide to live with a man, only do it because both of you want to make a home & shared life together, not because he needs a rescuer. Any man worth his salt would be asking you what he can do to make your life easier upon moving in with you.
 jd4real49
Joined: 10/5/2011
Msg: 12
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:33:47 PM
Why on earth would you even have to ask this question?

Dump this bum and find a real man.
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 13
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:38:22 PM

I offered to help him in other ways -- to find a new roommate, to help him pay for a moving truck, or money for first month's rent. He wanted to know if it was a loan or a gift. He ultimately wanted a couple thousand without having to pay it back so he could get back on his feet. He said as my GF, I should want to help him in any way I can.


I raised two daughters, I refuse to raise a mate..

Are you planning to breastfeed too?
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 14
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:43:21 PM
Glad you told him no, (and I agree because he seems like he has a horrible entitlement problem and because he actually admitted he'd stop working and live off you!)

"What? I can't come live with you and you totally support me?? Well sh1t, give me a few thousand dollars then!"

OP... it's time to let him go.

There ARE situations where helping out the other one in a relationship is a wonderful thing to do...
and relationships often involve "give & take"...
but in this case I kinda think he's a "taker" and not much of a "giver". And I don't mean just finances.
And I have a feeling that by the time he got to middle age that "taker" thing was well established, tied up tight in entitlement ribbon....
which is why he's in the position he's in.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 15
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Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:44:05 PM
Oh hell no! Are you kidding me?

I checked where you live and how old you are.

This guy is not capable of posting and ad on craigslist for a roommate?

I've rented out a room in my home since 2006, and it's never taken me longer than two weeks to find a new one when one moved out.

This guy is either totally incompetent or a complete user. Either way, is that something that sounds appealing?

You dated him for a year. He's showing you who he is. When people show you who they are, believe them!
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 16
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:46:22 PM
No absolutely not! WTH has he been doing all his life that he needs to start a new career?

Or could it be that he is a younger "cub"?

I would never do this to my GF and she would never do this to me, he is bullying you intpo accepting him. Pretty soon it will be, I'll start school full time next semester, then next... All the while he sponges off of you and gets to lie on his ass all day. Do you know about his past? Is this a pattern for him?

Kick him to the curb! (change your locks too)
 Capn_America
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 17
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:47:09 PM
Dear God...

Listen, your a good person; kick him while he`s down. Trust me. Its ALL bad, from what you write. He`s got it in for you, I`m sorry to say, he played you for a year....
My sister`s current bf is...well lets say its along similar lines. Doesnt mean he is the same, but its enough to be scary. You shouldnt have to freeload someone. I did once with one of my gf`s way back when, and she ended up demanding a lot more than giving. AND making me feel like crap. Trust me, your better off without.
 Lookingforsalmon
Joined: 8/7/2011
Msg: 18
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:52:04 PM
Please do not give him any money, lend him any money and do not let him freeload off of you. And that is not being mean on your part. You can help him find a room mate, there is nothing wrong with that. It is quite sweet of you. I have heard of countless stories of people who were in your situation and lent money they never saw again.

You can help him, that is true, but do not lend him money or let him mooch off of you. If you want to, you can give him him money, just keep in mind that you will never see that money again.

I hope that it all goes well for you :)
 OyVay...
Joined: 7/15/2011
Msg: 19
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 12:52:55 PM
OMG!! Lady what's wrong with you? Your not 21, your 51, why are going to be the adult in this relationship and allow him to be the child?

Yes, if you have deep feelings you should mentally and emotionally support him in his efforts to rebuild his life. Though I question a man, near your age who cannot maintain an apartment on his own.

We never want to see a friend down, but this situation is above and beyond the bounds of friendship, relationship wise or other.

He can go on roommates.com or craiglist and get a roommate. He can get a part time job to fill in the blanks until he finds one. Depending on you, or laying the issue at your feet, when it is his, is just not the actions of an adult.
 mysterywoman999
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 20
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 1:01:56 PM

Of course, I said no, but then he countered with I knew from the start that he doesn't make a lot, and if I let him live rent-free for a few years he could go to school to get a better job.


There is a difference between dating someone who doesn't "make a lot" and dating someone who is not even self sufficient. A grown adult should be able to support himself/herself.

Not only is this a bad deal in a practical sense, it is also about the least romantic thing I have ever heard :(

I would never be able to look at our relationship the same way.

Stick to your guns, OP!
 Viper1E
Joined: 11/30/2011
Msg: 21
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 1:19:22 PM

OMG!! Lady what's wrong with you? Your not 21, your 51, why are going to be the adult in this relationship and allow him to be the child?


I think some females don't feel complete if they can't constantly breastfeed. They need to feel needed, because it's how they define themselves.

Just last night, I had a recent widow tell me they had to "get permission" from their children before they could start dating.. I suggested they get therapy.

Some females, have spent so much time being a girlfriend, wife, and mommy, they kind of forget that they used to be women..
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 22
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 2:08:52 PM
Paderic's right; this should be the end. This problem of HIS is not your problem. Kiss him good bye and wish him well in getting these things resolved for himself. He has serious personal issues that should be top priority for any adult- housing and feeding himself. What is this guy doing even dating in the first place? Looking for a meal ticket?
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 23
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Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 2:10:42 PM
He sounds like a manipulative loser with a huge sense of entitlement.

I wonder what his reasons will be for dumping you for greener pastures when he's finished with school and gets that better job?

You know what Judge Judy says.....stupid is as stupid does.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 24
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 2:21:05 PM
OP ... you have chosen a LOSER.

Everyone in life has to take care of themselves.

The fact that he wants YOU to take care of him is a true testament to who he is.

The fact that he is manipulating you into doing this for him, how crass!

The fact that YOU are offering to help him in other ways, shows that you are being sucked in.

Step back.

Look at the whole picture here.

This is the beginning of the end.
You are NOT kicking him when he is down.
HE put HIMSELF in this situation.


I become the ''mom," the rescuer, the landlord, the caretaker and that itself brings up a whole other boatload of problems. I want a more equal partnership.


^^^
I have done this for my last 2 husbands.
This DOES NOT WORK!!!!

You are not an equal here ... you are the adult, while they play the child.

For God sake ... let him go.
Find another.

And I want to be in competition with Landra for the room.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 25
Help! He wants to move in.
Posted: 1/4/2012 2:22:07 PM

I have been dating this man for about a year


A year???? Really??? Like 365 days?????? Can I ask,,,,were you around at all when this dating of this "man" occured,,,cause this kinda shiat would have easily surfaced within a year. He's got big problems, and you will too, if you keep this so-called "dating" up.

Let him go back down with all the other bottem feeders.
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