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 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 1
do rebounds heal hearts?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have had three major relationships in my life: 2, 3 and 13 years. After each of these relationships failed, I waited around for a while, dated a few people and eventually had another "rebound" relationship. When I was younger, the process was faster. After my marriage broke up, I waited 18 months to date.

For me, the "rebound" relationships follow a pattern--I want to keep distance between myself and the new guy. I pick people that are very different from my ex-partner. Eventually, my feelings become conflicted, and the relationship dissolves. I always feel like there is unfinished business at the end of these rebounds--like it ended before it started.

My last "rebound" took a whole year to work itself through. I posted a thread in the middle of my break up and someone said that rebounds are there to heal us so we can move on. I am curious if others experience these kinds of patterns. Do you think spending more time alone eliminates the need for a "rebound?" Do they really heal hearts?

In my own case, I definitely feel like I could open my heart more fully to someone now than I did a few years ago, and I also feel far less desparation to find a lover and companion. So, I do feel some healing has come from the whole thing...

Note: I put "rebound" in quotes because I am not sure it is the right word, but I don't know another one that would be clear.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 2
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 2:10:27 AM
I love your question because I'm facing this right now.

I left my wife almost exactly one year ago. I haven't dated anyone. Hell, I haven't even flirted with anyone. Something happened to me while my daughter was visiting over the holidays though and I decided it was time to behave like a human being again. Then I saw your thread.

I think the "rebound" thing would be more appropriate to what my stbx wife has been up to. Waiting until you feel ready and then easing into it by having coffee dates with interesting people seems like a wise way to move forward to me.

This whole, "I'm gonna go out and get some", sort of attitude is a sad cry for help in my mind. I consider it a form of self-mutilation. An attempt to mask the real pain. Of course, I'm just some jerk on the internet, not a psychologist.

If someone is really tender and fragile, they would probably be better off not dating until they they get their life sorted out a little more. That first step is scary though. Fun and exciting, but still scary.

I consider myself to be "not ready for prime time" which is why I want to get out and have coffees with amazing women. When it's right, I'll know it and until then, I still have a life to live.

(It's kind of a secret rule amongst guys, chicks on the rebound are bad news if you are looking for anything more than a one-night stand...don't tell anyone I told you this though)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 2:39:17 AM
I think that everything you do in life after a traumatic event like a relationship ending, contributes to your healing. So yes, any relationships you have after a breakup will help, including platonic friendships and even new business relationships.

The reason there's a lot of intense sensitivity about what folks here call "rebound" relationships is, that they aren't usually anything but a frustrating disappointment to the people who the person rebounding gets attached to. The "rebound-ee" doesn't get healing or growth, they just get their own hopes up, and then get them dashed again, when the person on the rebound realizes they were trying to relive their now-lost coupling.

I've read here where some people recommend time as the solution, for everyone to wait before trying again, but in my own experience, that's only partially successful. I find it's unquestionably true that trying to date (or worse marry!) within a very short time after a breakup, actually delays healing, because the person who suffered the loss of another never faces up to any of the reasons why they lost them.

But I also know that even if you go into dating seclusion for several YEARS after a breakup, you will still have to learn everything about yourself and why you came to be alone, and most importantly ...what sort of person your next mate needs to be. Everything we go through changes us. No matter how well we thought we knew ourselves before a breakup, and therefore no matter how easily we could tell if someone would make for a compatible match then, we will be a different person with different needs, insights, and levels of sensitivity after a breakup. In short, I think it's probably true that no matter how long you wait between relationships, the first one is apt to be a Learning Experience.

So yes, I think rebounding could probably be described accurately as a normal part of the healing process, and that rebound relationships of any kind do contribute to one's healing. That's why I am myself more philosophical (i.e. less resentful) about people on the rebound than some others. When I looked back over my youthful relationships that caused me tremendous pain and confusion, I can see from my later vantage point that everyone involved were learning, some of us more gracefully than others, but nevertheless, that there really isn't a "safe" way to learn and heal.

Then of course, there's that obnoxious saying that pops up regularly: "the fastest way to get OVER an ex lover, is to get UNDER another one!" Frankly, I think it was invented by player guys, who wanted to have as many post-traumatic revenge-sex flings with ex-wives and girlfriends of more serious people as they could.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 4
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 2:40:35 AM
Here's the deal... rebound flings may work for some and not for others. It could help emotionally detach from the breakup of a sig other or could have you feeling worse. Just depends on the person.
With so many diseases that can be spread through sexual contact, it is a dangerous thing to do. Still, lots of people into it and go for the rebound relationship or sexual connection.
If you develop feelings for your rebound guy/girl, it could change things drastically and confuse things. If your going to go the rebound route, be sure to keep your feelings 100 percent out of it.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 5
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 2:45:35 AM
Well, I don't think rebounds really heal.

What is hardest imo once a LTR or marriage breaks up (once more) is to come to terms with ones own failure (again). And there a rebound can help ease some of the symptoms, as a distraction, but that is not what I would call healing.

Not sure whether I would call it lucky, but my last two LTRs (one even live in) were basically over long before we called it actually quits. Of course I really noticed that only after it was all over, but as the last months/year of these relationships were so hard that after the actual break up it felt more like a relief.

In situations like these a rebound may come in handy, but as I said, more like an aid, not in terms of healing.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 6
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 3:46:55 AM
I think 'rebound' is a state of mind and not order.
Ie if one ended and you hopped on the next - but you were over the other with no regrets - I don't see that as a rebound - more of a NEXT !
but if you are still hung up on the old, projecting onto the new -- then yes, you will have a terminal velocity to it, and it will end.
enjoy the ride, get all you can get, put that notch on your bed post and off to the next one.
healing... maybe.... but at around 670 calories a shot - think of it as a work out program. Happy New Year.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 7
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:03:17 AM
I guess it matters at which way you look at it,,,,as in "who's" heart gets to heal???? Have ya asked or thought about the person you are "rebounding" with????? Are you/they keenly aware of your intentions(healing) with this type of action???? Do you even care????? Like,,,is it "the end justifies the means"??????

I really don't know it helps heals a heart or not. Or if it just eases the true pain for another period of time, and that pain will slowly sneak back again??? Like smashing your finger with a hammer,when you also have a toothache????(yes it works) Your mind will concentrate on one thing,,,while the other is still there festering and ooozing until you get back to it. The toothache will NOT go away, no matter how matter how long you numb it.
Personally, I use whiskey to numb away my feelings.That's okay isn't it?????? I know of the pain( I just don't wanna deal with the whys and what nots),,but,the only way I can deal with it is to drink like I do. Again,,,,that's healthy,,,,isn't it?????
I don't do rebounds,,,,on either ends. A "friend" of mine offered last year,and hoped I would help her get over a nasty relationship/break up with an offer of a "relationship" with her. I wouldn't do anything except offer my words and my ears. After awhile, it was quite clear that she was quite toxic, and couldn't see the problems she wasn't dealing with. Quite quickly after I told her that she needed a lot more time before she re entered the dating ring, she found another taker,and ended up going to Mexico with him over the holidays,,,,all within less than 6 weeks. I asked her how it went the other,,and then the whinning restarted all over again.

I really didn't need to say another thing to her,,,,,so I laughed in her face. She no likey.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 8
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:12:41 AM
I think they help for some people. To my mind, part of the coping with a tough breakup like a marriage, is about keeping busy.

As you know, your mind in constantly occupied with the person you have split from. Not necessarily about them as an individual but about what happened at the end which caused the decision to split. Your mind constantly questions the circumstances, and often times makes you question other events which happened and if they really were as they seemed. Sometimes, you realize whatever caused the split had been going on for far longer then you realized when the decision to part was made. You process a lot in those initial weeks.

For me at least, being able to turn off, even for a short while, that constant processing. is a welcome relief. A few hours with good friends, or something similar which provides a distraction.

I believe some people use a rebound relationship for that purpose - a distraction.
 eclectick
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 9
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:58:12 AM
Everybody is different, and if engaging in a "rebound" relationship helps you move past a bad break up/bad marriage then so be it... we all do what we think is best in the healing process, even if that includes not developing feelings within the rebound situation.

Although, I am different, I have had 3 long-term relationships and when we broke I spent that time getting to know "me" again, sometimes as long as 3 or so years and doing what I needed to help myself..more so a loner if you will.

Unfortunately, this last relationship (still going thru it) after 3 years, it was told to me that I was his "rebound girl" ..and that didn't sit too pretty with me...I mean if you want a rebound fling, get one...but to let it go 3 years?...thats a bit much and not fair to the rebound-ee.
 carptopus
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 10
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 6:08:22 AM

do rebounds heal hearts?

They allow you a sort of "venting."

Does "venting" heal your "heart," or is it just a step that allows you to do other things that heal your "heart."


Do you think spending more time alone eliminates the need for a "rebound?"

I think the more time you spend alone it hurts your relationship communication abilities.
It's kind of like saying "do you think spending more time on vacation eliminates the need for continuing education."
But it depends on what you mean by "alone." You mean actual alone, like no one at all, or as in just not dating anyone but you have friends and family and you are participating and keeping up and/or expanding those relationships.


I waited around for a while, dated a few people and eventually had another "rebound" relationship

IMO one thing that is important is knowing if you went into the rebound knowing it was a rebound, you set those particular boundaries, or if you were (or at least telling yourself you were) being serious about it, so only in hindsight you realized they were rebound relationships.
 oOdangalangOo
Joined: 5/8/2011
Msg: 11
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 6:34:53 AM
I feel like my rebounds just masked the pain of dealing with the throws of an ended relationship. I now refrain from rebounding now no matter how devastating the break-ups are. I feel like I owe the next person I meet the healthiest form of myself and it is my job to see that I have all of my ducks in a row when I enter a new relationship.

They did allowed me to "come down softer" so-to-speak but all the while I was wrecking the relationships I was getting into and as you put it it was..."--like it ended before it started."

I could kick myself for screwing up with my ex- but...shit happens. I learned from it and moved forward. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 12
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 6:42:07 AM
Short answer NO, its like putting a band aid on a sharks bite.
 Drestin.Red
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 13
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 7:33:17 AM
Rebound relationships can help you heal, but not in your case. If you are going from one person to the next hoping the other person will fix what is wrong with you, then no.

A rebound relationship is a distraction. It is a connection to another person that keeps us from having to experience the full extent of the emotional pain of our resent break – up. It is a misguided attempt to move on with our lives. Many people will jump back into the dating scene because they fear being alone. It’s a quick fix, one in which we can drown out our pain by reveling in the emotional intensity and passion of a new found love. It can be a a lot more fun than dealing with the misery of a recently broken heart.

For some a rebound is just what they need to turn their life around, re-build their self esteem, make them feel attractive & desirable again. But this will only happen if you work on what occured in your past relationship. Hiding/ignoring your emotional pain will just prolong your need to go from one rebound to the next.

Sounds like you should work on healing yourself before you bring another person into your life.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 14
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:20:42 AM
Relationships can heal. Relationships can hurt. Relationships can leave us too wounded to try again. Relationships can leave us needy and seeking another relationship.

We can speculate, generalize, seek concensus about this etc., but I don’t think it’s particularly helpful. Do we even know if a relationship is a “rebound” when we’re in it? or after it’s over?

Do you think spending more time alone eliminates the need for a "rebound?" Do they really heal hearts?

I think we have needs that can’t be eliminated – social, emotional, sexual needs. We can choose not to fill them for a while if that seems best. Perhaps our need for solitude is more pressing.

But isolation in itself is not healing, just as a relationship in and of itself is not necessarily healing.

Maybe another intimate relationship will help remove the blockages from your heart.
Maybe time spent in solitude and reflection will do it.

Maybe you’ll find that the hurts that need healing aren’t only from your last relationship but from wounds you carried from a time long ago. Maybe all our relationships are rebounds and we’re all here to rebound for each other. Maybe maybe.
 Mozzily
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 15
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:33:53 AM
I think rebounds distract but you have to remember that your playing with someone elses feelings just to make yourself feel better, which isnt fair.
 CptJohnSheridan
Joined: 11/23/2011
Msg: 16
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:52:21 AM
Having been recently widowed I actually talk about rebound relationships in my profile. A rebound relationship might sooth the hurts of the person who is healing from a loss, but the other person usually just ends up being used. Not something I will do.
 Green_Jello44
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 17
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 9:42:07 AM
We both got divorced at the same time, it was an amazing rollercoaster for 4 years. Looking back, i guess it was a rebound, but in my mind, i loved her, and in good faith, wanted to see if we could make it work. We finally broke up for good, but she showed me love and chemistry i never experienced in my marriage, so we both grew, and healed in some ways....
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 12:47:21 PM
I feel rebound relationships just push the pain you felt about losing your previous sig other onto someone else. Now, in all likelyhood, someone is crushing on you, and you were only there for practice...and thus you put your pain onto someone else.

I think that kinda stinks actually.
 cautiousluv
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 19
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 1:00:12 PM
Ha ha! Love what Cdn Iceman said!

To me this is not a clear cut yes or no....it just depends on SO many things. First of all, I guess it would depend on whether the person is completely emotionally shut down (due to being hurt).... Or if they are able to go into it with just a little bit of a open heart. If you are still at the point where you know there's no way in h*ll you could even remotely have a half way "normal" relationship with someone......then it's just going to make you feel worse..IMO......because you already know your going to do something (or a lot of things) to sabotage the "relationship". Also, a lot of it would depend on WHO (or thie type of person) you choose. I agree with what the other poster said that sometimes being with someone could help re-build self esteem.....make them feel attractive and desirable. And would be sensitive (patient and understanding) to the fact that you are basically healing from a broken heart. However, choosing the wrong person could make you feel 10 times worse....and might set you back from moving forward and healing.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 20
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:47:20 PM
Wow, there have been some really thought-provoking posts. I just want everyone to know that I did not go into this relationship thinking that it was a rebound! We took it slow, and we had lots of wonderful times. It wasn't until it got "serious" that it began to fall apart. It is only in hindsight that I have decided it was a rebound.

As for being fast and loose with other's emotions--it was a rebound for him as well, I believe. Our separations were practically on the same day. We both waited over a year to start dating again after our separations, which is why I thought "rebound" is a bit of a misnomer. To most people a "rebound" is a crazy relationship that happens directly after a major break up.

I like Igor's definition of it as a Learning Experience. I also think him and I are on the same page about this.

I also like j4444's words:



We both got divorced at the same time, it was an amazing rollercoaster for 4 years. Looking back, i guess it was a rebound, but in my mind, i loved her, and in good faith, wanted to see if we could make it work. We finally broke up for good, but she showed me love and chemistry i never experienced in my marriage, so we both grew, and healed in some ways....


I think that this is very close to my experience. It was amazing and I don't think either of us have any regrets.



Rebound relationships can help you heal, but not in your case. If you are going from one person to the next hoping the other person will fix what is wrong with you, then no


I am not sure why you think I am doing this. I have been single during my life and I am not trying to date right now. I am not looking to get "fixed." I am just analyzing a relationship in hindsight.



For some a rebound is just what they need to turn their life around, re-build their self esteem, make them feel attractive & desirable again. But this will only happen if you work on what occured in your past relationship. Hiding/ignoring your emotional pain will just prolong your need to go from one rebound to the next.


I think that the first sentence is probably more true in my case. I have spent a lot of time working on myself and the issues from my marriage, both during and afterwards. I hope I don't sound defensive, I just really believe in myself and haven't looked at myself as "broken" in a long time.

Cautiousluv--I agree it could be bad if you choose the wrong person.

Once-Bitten--I hope that this thread helps you in making your decision about getting your feet wet. I originally just wanted to date lots and lots of people too and then this great guy came along who was so similar to me and who REALLY liked me. We were in the same place in our lives, and it just seemed too good to pass up. I don't have any regrets though.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 21
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 5:23:33 PM
if a person is really in love with a person...really into a person and they get dumped by that person...

no, rebounds do nothing.


rebounds only help folks realize that they were not THAT into the person that dumped them...

if you bang a rebound after having been dumped and you get all into that person - then NO, you really were not that into your ex...



if you dumped someone, typically it means you saw the relationship going nowhere else you wanted to be with that person...

in that vein- a rebound is like water in the desert....

an oasis of love and good feelings...


even if it is temporary.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 22
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 6:49:45 PM
Never thought about the difference between dumper and dumpee rebound. Your theory makes some sense.
 Drestin.Red
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 23
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do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 6:59:50 PM
Sorry, I misinterpreted what you were getting at. You said you had dated some & had rebound relationships. I thought you were implying you were concerned this was becoming a problem, thus my reasons for saying in your case the rebounds will not heal your broken heart & others cannot fix what had happened in your previous relationships.
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 24
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:10:33 PM
No worries drestin.red. It was kind of a weird original post. I'm a bit philosophical...

My plan is to take 2012 for myself and do some stuff from my bucket list. Right now, I do not plan to go looking for any romance. Hopefully, when I am ready to meet someone, I will choose carefully, we will be compatible, and we will stick together thus eliminating the need for future "rebounds" or Learning Experiences.

:)
 adora71
Joined: 2/8/2010
Msg: 25
do rebounds heal hearts?
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:17:02 PM
just reread through and I have to say I love this one:

Maybe another intimate relationship will help remove the blockages from your heart.
Maybe time spent in solitude and reflection will do it.

Maybe you’ll find that the hurts that need healing aren’t only from your last relationship but from wounds you carried from a time long ago. Maybe all our relationships are rebounds and we’re all here to rebound for each other. Maybe maybe.


I 100% agree. We are all different and we all have our own ways of healing. And a lot of the wounds come from long ago--from the stories we believe.

:)
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