Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Christmas Gifts      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 2
Christmas GiftsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Not if that's how you feel. Some people value these acknowledgements (I do) and others don't. It's not the value of the gift, it's the gesture that acknowledges they appreciate you.

My ex husband was the polar opposite of me. In eleven years of marriage, he didn't once remember a birthday or anniversary, even when not so subtly reminded. I always put it down to not having any family of his own and therefore being a bit selfish and not thinking about anyone but himself. That's not an attack on him, that's truly who he was. Even on Mother's Day when he took the children to a friend of his because of a work event, he couldn't see why I was upset about not being included! lol

My family has always made a bit deal about these events. Maybe it's just as simple as family differences.

What I have since realized, is that if it's important to you, you have to tell him. And sometimes not just once in a casual manner - which is what I did wrong. You have to explain to him that this is important to you and maybe even why. If he loves you, the last thing he'll want to do is intentionally upset you. He'll remember next time once he understands.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:03:16 AM
oh well.... least he let you know. Actions speak louder than words and his actions said he did not care about you, your feelings or anything between the two of you.
Be smart and stay away from him.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 7
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:09:48 AM
I agree. My marriage was extreme as I married a conman ! lol You know it's bad when the divorce court judge issues your divorce in your ex's absence because he can't be located and informs you, it's one of the most extreme cases they've ever heard of and they suggest writing a book about it ! Thank goodness I'm a paperwork hoarder and had hard evidence even if I hadn't put the puzzle pieces together at that time.

But the point is, it's an indication. No man or woman will hurt the person they love and respect - intentionally. And once they know that an action (or lack of it) has upset you, they will strive not to repeat it. Someone who constantly ignores your views and feelings, doesn't care how their actions affect you.

You don't always have to agree with each other- but the key is acting out of consideration for your partners opinions and respecting the fact that they feel a certain way.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 10
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 8:35:36 AM

OP: He also didn't see me on our anniversary,


If this is a boyfriend, there is no real anniversary. Anniversaries only count after you're married. I have never remembered the calendar date of a first date/meet-up afterwards and I'm sure most guys are like that.



He got me a card the day before at the drug store with me there... In his card he said he was my gift... I was upset.. not at the monetary issue but that he didn't even give me a thought...He could of gotten me a cheap stuffed animal that I saw at the store one day and that would have been fine...


I don't get it. He got you a card and you said he didn't give you a thought.
You said it's not the monetary issue but said he should've at least got you a stuffed animal. It sounds like a lot of double talk to me. If he got you the cheap stuffed animal, you would be complaining the gift wasn't good enough. So you broke up with him over lack of Christmas presents. I would hate to see how you would handle a real issue with someone.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 12
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:04:08 PM

Not if that's how you feel.


I agree. It's not us whom dating this guy,,,,you did. It's not us that even "liked" the guy,,,,again ,,,you did. Doesn't matter what we say, at all,so don't look for others to confirm the reasoning for your actions.

You did what you thought had to do. Today is a new day,,,,and I wouldn't be looking back now. A tad too late for that.
 DeDe01
Joined: 7/14/2010
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:21:00 PM
I think he was very selfish and did not care about your feeling at all. I don't blame you for being upset and kicking him to the curb. I don't have time for stupid in my life and I would have done the same thing...you go girl!!!!

Dede
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 15
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:27:25 PM
make sure ur next BF isn't some tacky , cheap mofo
did u cook lasagna 4 him as well???
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 16
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/6/2012 4:47:11 PM
OP: Take comfort in that Walmart and the local jewelry store are just as pissed at him as you. He alone totally messed up Obama's economic recovery plan.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/7/2012 8:40:53 AM
If a boyfriend would say that he is my christmas gift, I would tell him too that I am his christmas gift and we'll call it even..........
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/7/2012 10:42:50 AM
I think the guy realized she was going to be a gold digger type. so he stopped playing the game. The OP said she was also upset about not getting an anniversary gift. They are bf/gf. What anniversary? They are not married, so there's no anniversary. She is just fishing for "special events" gifts.

Another scenario is the guy used to buy her gifts, but she always complained that it wasn't expensive enough or pretty enough, so the guy gave up trying to please her. We're only hearing one side of the story. It would be interesting to hear both sides to know what's really going on.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 29
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/7/2012 12:06:51 PM

, maybe in the future you should write up an agreement that HE must buy you a gift for these special days if this is so important for you. I mean you would want the feeling left out now would you.



A person doesn't demand or expect a "material gifts, or token of kindness" from someone.. That is hearthily given to the person who deserved it...
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/7/2012 12:14:52 PM
Your post is kind of just ranting on, I'll assume you were together as a couple when all this stuff happened, then you found out he didn't care about you at all, in fact was letting you know for sure that you were an afterthought to him. So now you want to know if you have a right to feel hurt??? You really don't know if you have a right to feel hurt by someone you dated (I have no idea why) who treated you like crap? You need us to tell you this?

I'm going to suggest therapy so you can get in touch with your own feelings and self-worth, or you will keep finding jerks to date and wondering why. Get help now, so you can get off this train wreck that you jumped on, willingly.
 BrianL77
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 31
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/7/2012 3:49:43 PM
Um no he is your ex while you have unresolved feeling for him guy do not ten to buy gifts for their sexes. He is your ex for a reason.

I had a girl flip out because I did not get her a gift for her bray the day after mind you when we went out and it was our 2nd date I still did not know her likes nor dislikes. Hell I did not even know her middle name yet. Needless to say her mom yes her mom asked why I brought her home 15 min afternoon I picked her up.(btw I was 17 at the time) I told her and as I left she being yelled at by her mom and dad.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 37
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/8/2012 10:10:28 AM
OP, you are not wrong at all! He's so cheap it's sickening! He is sooo disrespectful, he shows NO appreciation for you whatsoever. He was your Christmas gift? Seriously? I don't think so. He blew it off when you said something b/c he doesn't care. He completely disregarded your feelings, & to make it worse, took you w/him to get gifts for other, how tacky & hurtful to you! He believes that no matter how he treats you you'll stick around & accept his abuse. This is the way things will always be. I was married to a man who never gifted me on my Bday, xmas, anniversary, etc. I never got one token of appreciation from him. You don't want to spend time w/a man like that. Being cheap is a very bad trait, w/more unpleasant, bad traits that go along w/it, I listed a few above. Date a guy that cares about you, shows how much you are appreciated & is not cheap!
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 38
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/8/2012 10:35:39 AM
What sickens me is the whole commercial Christmas holiday. The notion of being obligated to buy gifts for people we know at regular intervals on the calendar is an invention of the retail industry. It would be nice if fewer people bought into it, but c'est la vie.

To me, the holiday is about getting together with family and enjoying their company for the day.
 aremeself
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/8/2012 2:58:33 PM
those who want and expect gifts...... shouldn't get them.
 SleepyMcGee
Joined: 5/16/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 1/9/2012 12:56:58 AM
Obviously that's going to hurt. But don't waste time worrying about somebody who you've broken up with (for what seems to be very valid reasons)

Sounds like a prick.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 45
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/23/2012 6:12:29 PM
This whole thread is sad...tis the season...
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/23/2012 6:56:21 PM
Bfs can be daft and we start out not knowing this junk. Many think its a type of bribery and conventionality to just provide appropriate gifts once in a while. They imagine (and I've been one of those) that all gift giving situations can be discussed away through completely logical or funny arguments. Its a form of sophomoronic silliness -but we can be trained.

Its not easy to train. Have your preferences and a reasonable budget completely worked out. Avoid accidents.

It was about the 22nd and me and my bud hadn't picked up anything for the girls. I was living in my friends townhouse upstairs with the babe. He was downstairs. Main floor was shared. We went to a five'n'dime and had a rule, "touch it you buy it" - he gave his girl a set of very cheap kitchen knives. Not the kicker- but they split up. She was never a consumer person (long distance runner) but somethings are too much.. And I'm not with my babe now either. CAn't remember what type of yunkie junk I picked up- but trulely a little bit of the good stuff once in a while goes a long way.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 47
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/23/2012 7:24:12 PM

Am I wrong in being upset?


I don't consider myself to be particularly materialistic but I get Christmas cards and stuff from complete strangers I did business with earlier in the year. I don't think it's expecting too much for someone who supposedly cares about you to do a little bit more than that.

The part that I find sad is how he reacted when you told him about how you felt. Everything else aside, a guy might have his reasons for being a forgetful tightwad but to not care about the fact that this hurts you isn't right. That is just insulting.

You could grab hold of the next total stranger to cross your path and get more compassion than that.
 Cyanicula
Joined: 10/31/2012
Msg: 48
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/23/2012 9:21:14 PM
I get the sense that this bf wasn't the type to write something heart felt in the card.

Plus buying it in front of the person takes away something special too. Even with just a simple card, it is nice to be surprised by it - like the person made an effort to surprise you with it. I get excited seeing an envelope addressed to me, wondering what surprise messages are inside! And I always have fun trying to find some secret time to write messages in cards without the person walking in on me lol. It's kind of like he just bought it in front of her to say "I guess I HAVE to get SOMETHING....just take this and shut up. SEE SEE!!! Now you can't say I didn't get SOMETHING because you even SAW me get it!".

I think what she was getting at with the stuffed animal is that it would have had some special quality to it - he observed that she liked it, he took the time to go get it for her hoping to surprise her with something that would make her smile. Plus, what's up with dragging her around to observe this selecting of gifts for other people that had more effort than what he got her? When people talk about "it's the thought that counts", it is putting effort into thinking about what would have MEANING to the recipient. Not just thinking "oh yeah, I'll just grab any old thing to shut them up because I have to". He didn't attach any real meaning to the card. Saying her gift was him sounds like he was just trying to turn his thoughtless action into something sweet and romantic to save his own butt, which doesn't work in this case because his previous actions showed him for what he really was.
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 49
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/24/2012 6:06:10 AM
^^no ones perfect is spot on!
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 50
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/24/2012 7:06:22 AM
If something is important to you partner and not you, you learn to make their needs important to you.

Since he could do for a coworker and not you that speaks for itself.

Imagine you whole life like that. It won't work. Move on.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 51
view profile
History
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 11/24/2012 10:12:01 AM
I am never upset ,when anyone I bonded with don't buy me a gift, I am the one who gave them a gift or help, it makes me powerful over a person. If they gave something back or not it doesn't bother me..
 Confuzzled4ever
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 52
Christmas Gifts
Posted: 12/16/2012 10:48:22 AM
I am terrible at gifts unless someone tells me exactly what they want. lol.

I did break up with a guy over a similar thing as OP. BUT it was the same thing. he didn't get me or my son anything and showed up with gifts for everyone else.. not a card for me.. not a plan for dinner.. or any kind of evening with just the two of us.... didn't even say Merry Christmas to me.. no thought means lack of care.

There is acceptable and unacceptable when it comes to gift giving. To not even have given me a thought is not acceptable. A gift is not mandatory.. but thought is. Nothing is not.

I have no idea what to do for my guy this year. lol.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Christmas Gifts