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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?      Home login  
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 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 1
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Hi Guys,

Here is a situation I would really appreciate some opinions on. Basically I’m in a relationship now for 3 months with a guy I really really like – we are exclusive, and I’m very happy with him and think we have real long term potential. Obviously time will tell but so far it’s looking good and I definitely don’t want to risk anything ruining it.

Here’s the issue – I have a friend, Ryan, who lives some 5 hours away from me and earlier this year (before I met my current OH) we had arranged that Ryan would come for a visit for a few days in February, and stay with me. He’s had a horrible year, broken up with his girlfriend, hates his job and a number of other things. So I think a few days break would be good for him, and I’d love to see him as he’s been very supportive with me when I’ve had tough times as well.

The problem is that he’s also an ex…. I’ve been thinking about whether I would be particularly happy if my BF had an ex to stay with them and I have to say I think I would struggle. I’ve mentioned this to Ryan who said he does understand, but is disappointed if he can’t visit (I would be too). He’s offered to stay in a B&B if that changes things. I’m going to speak to my boyfriend about it when I see him next, but I guess I just wanted to ask what the general consensus would be here. Whether you would be comfortable with an ex visiting your girlfriend for a few days,,,, and if so whether you would be ok with them staying in the same house (I have a spare room) or whether they’d need to stay elsewhere.

Am I wrong for even wanting to ask my current guy about this? I hadn’t so far mentioned that Ryan is an ex, just that he’s a friend since that’s what I consider him … but I’d rather be honest about this because I think not saying anything at all about the fact that he is an ex would be soo much worse if it came out later.

Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Thanks in advance for your help with this – really appreciate it.
 111ALLEN
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 2
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:21:10 AM

I’m very happy with him and think we have real long term potential.


you can forget this idea if you go there!...
 111ALLEN
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 3
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:22:53 AM
it' just not appropriate.....imo...
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 4
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:23:41 AM
O P-


wait...so you are with a guy and for some reason or another, you've convinced this putz to let another guy stay at ur place for a couple of days.





you are really disrespectful

and he is a weak azzed fool



and the guy is an e x ???



you are trash for your current man.



learn how to be a woman and treat men with respect

or you'll be here in 10 years STILLL not married and with no kids and miserable.





you are the mountain.


trashy.



believe men....I'd knock ur azz 2 the curb sooo fast ur head would spin....


that is,,,,after my own head stop spinning over your serious disrespect of me....




what a fool
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 5
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:36:53 AM
So uncool I wouldn't even bother to discuss it, I'd walk.

Sorry, that's a lot of harshness right out of the gate. I've never been with a woman who would tolerate me having any of my exes over for anything. I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought that would be ok either.

I mean, you know this "ex" is dying to get back together with you, even if only for some temporary "support". I bet he's already told this too. You seem pretty keen on the idea yourself.

Once upon a time, I went with the woman I loved to a dinner put on by one of her old exes. During dinner he told me "I came to town to steal your girlfriend back...Hahahahaha", we all had a good chuckle at that one...

They're married now and quite happy for all I know.
 apurfectmeow
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 6
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:40:42 AM
I agree with all the above posts.
An ex is an ex for a reason. You cant fix anyone but yourself.
Obviously now is a good time to start with correcting bad decisions.
 starfishgazer
Joined: 8/6/2011
Msg: 7
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:41:42 AM
Hi
I think from the last couple of male comments you have your answer NO DO NOT HAVE X TO STAY. Male egos are fragile at the best of times even if they say its ok they will wonder about your past and why you split.
All the best
Starfishgazer x
 Womac911
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 8
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 1:56:20 AM
NO DO NOT HAVE X TO STAY.


Well, if the current BF is ok with it, she might just have "X TA CY"

If they broke up and remained friends, and only friends, and the current is OK with it, it should be OK. never know, the two guys might wind up being friends. Was the breakup mutual? Was it bitter? Who got hurt?
Would it bother me? Only if my GF still had feelings for him.

Otherwise, it's an insecurity thing.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 9
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 2:03:51 AM
Guys - firstly I haven't convinced anyone of anything so you can quit the attitude already and stop bashing me uneccesarily.

These were plans made before I met my current SO and the whole point of this post is because I am now not sure I'm comfortable with them. I asked a friend IRL whether she would just cancel the visit completely and she said to ask my boyfriend what he thought. I wanted some extra opinions hence the forum post.

My gut feeling was that it's wrong... you have confirmed that for me (with varying levels of eloquence). Thanks for the help :-)
 AxMurderer
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 10
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 2:47:55 AM
The problem with asking your boyfriend about this is that it puts him in a no-win situation. He will say yes and mean no. But if he says no, it comes off as though he is insecure or doesn't trust you.

Stop being deceitful towards your current boyfriend. >>> He should already know that Ryan is not just a friend and is also an ex.

I think you have good intentions. Don't screw this one up!
 ChillinChill
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 11
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 2:57:01 AM
Apply the golden rule. Do onto others as you would.... you know?

If you do decide to have your ex for a refreshing lil getaway... don't be upset when you find one of your bf exes in his bath tub.

I guess it would be okay with you if your current bf took one of his exes out to dinner and a movie? Sounds like a great time!!!!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 12
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 3:21:25 AM
I would NOT ask your present boyfriend whether it's ok. First of all, it's a cop out and forces him to deal with an uncomfortable situation that's yours to deal with. Second, what is he going to say?

I don't understand what the problem is with telling your ex that plans are off. Hi Ryan, remember how we made plans for you to come and visit? Well, plans are off. I have a boyfriend now.

Things change, that's life.
 SpecificTruths
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 13
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 3:34:08 AM

The problem with asking your boyfriend about this is that it puts him in a no-win situation. He will say yes and mean no. But if he says no, it comes off as though he is insecure or doesn't trust you.

This is a very possible scenario.
On the other hand, you've been together three months. So, if it were me, I'd say no and mean it, and if you tried to tell me "well, yes we used to be a couple but now we're friends so it's okay," I'd break up with you. It's been three months; long enough to call ourselves exclusive, short enough to break cleanly with out major, crazy pain.

Another poster mentioned The Golden Rule. Apply that. I'm betting you wouldn't be happy with this if the tides were turned.

Basically, if you like your boyfriend a lot, the ex doesn't even come visit at all, let alone stay at your place. Don't even ask your boyfriend about it if you like him, your friend gave you bad advice.
 Former_Yamaha650_Rider
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 14
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 3:58:03 AM
You want to honour a promise to a friend. That speaks volumes of your character. You obviously feel comfortable to talk to your BF about this. That speaks volumes of the kind of relationship you have. Both in a good way.

Speak to him, don't lay out all the possibilities you've mentioned here. Simply say something like "Hun, before I met you, I made this promise to my friend (details about the promise) but I'm not sure I can stick to it now that I have you. I feel bad letting him down since he needs to get away. How do you think this should be handled?"

Once the conversation is going, listen to his suggestions and concerns. Ryan should not stay at your house, unless you vacate it and stay with your BF during his stay.
If he is comming to visit, it's paramount that your BF and Ryan get to know each other and that the three of you do things together.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 15
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 4:10:56 AM

I am now not sure I'm comfortable with them. I asked a friend IRL whether she would just cancel the visit completely and she said to ask my boyfriend what he thought. I wanted some extra opinions hence the forum post.



Don't ask him.( BF)

Tell your ex aka friend the situation and you feel him staying somewhere else is best out of respect to your new BF.But due to you being friends he is welcome to visit your town and you spend a lunch with him..whatever.

Leave it up to him if he wants that expense and to share you with your BF.

Bet he doesn't come.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 16
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 4:11:34 AM
I'm with the other too.

Three months into an exclusive relationship, you are both still learning about each other. You want to believe in the potential of the relationship, but at this stage, the history which proves you are trustworthy isn't there. Confirmation that you each are loyal to each other comes with time and through actions not words of reassurance.

To bring ANY man into your home over-night who isn't a family member, is disrespectful, IMHO, but to bring someone who you have a sexual history with, that's a recipe for disaster.

I don't think it's fair to ask your BF what he feel about this. That takes the burden of this decision off you and places it on him. As you have explained this to your ex BF/current friend, and he understands, I would cancel the trip for the time-being.

Not having many ex's of my own, this is not a situation I've ever had to deal with but I think, if I was in your current BF's position, I would feel very hurt knowing another woman was in his home overnight.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 17
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 4:31:35 AM
Op,surely your ex-boyfriend realizes its NOT appropriate for him to stay overnight at your place if you have a new boyfriend?

DONT DO IT!
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 18
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 5:20:48 AM
Surely, IF you go there, this is going to be a huge test in your new relationship. It's only been 3 months so you still don't really even know your current boyrfriend yet............your really just starting to.......

IF you go there, you shouldn't hide anything from your boyfriend..........IF you talk to him about it and he says he's not comfortable with it, you should honor that and not have the other guy over.
 F1fanIam
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 19
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 5:26:17 AM
I would have to say that is is a bad idea.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 20
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:00:51 AM
I’ve been thinking about whether I would be particularly happy if my BF had an ex to stay with them and I have to say I think I would struggle.

I would end the relationship in an instant. In fact, I'd end the relationship if you kept in contact with him.

Am I wrong for even wanting to ask my current guy about this?

Personally, I think you're wrong for even keeping your ex as a friend.

and if so whether you would be ok with them staying in the same house (I have a spare room) or whether they’d need to stay elsewhere.

You shouldn't even be friends with your ex, much less consider having him visit.

I hadn’t so far mentioned that Ryan is an ex, just that he’s a friend since that’s what I consider him … but I’d rather be honest about this because I think not saying anything at all about the fact that he is an ex would be soo much worse if it came out later.

Yeah, it would. I'd consider that reason enough to dump you, even if we'd been married for 10 years. But first, I might just go spend the night with a woman or two and let you ponder that for a while.

Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

The only person who can tell you that is your boyfriend, but I suppose asking him would defeat the purposeof asking us to see if it's ok to not say anything to him.

These were plans made before I met my current SO

If you'd have broken off contact with your ex when he became your ex, you would never have made those plans in the first place.

First of all, it's a cop out and forces him to deal with an uncomfortable situation that's yours to deal with. Second, what is he going to say?

That's easy: Bye!
 ruspukin
Joined: 9/29/2010
Msg: 21
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:26:05 AM
I would be OK with it...If I wasn't, it wouldn't say much about myself other than I'm a control freak, or I have jealousy issues. Its a good way to test the waters of trust. Heck, better now than 5 yrs from now.
 Ratsrule
Joined: 9/22/2011
Msg: 22
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Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:38:48 AM
Just wanted to pop back in and say thank you for the opinons. It confirmed what I felt initially anyway. I've spoken to him - he understands and it's not a problem.

Re: whether I should be keeping in touch with him at all - your views are your own. However my current boyfriend does keep in touch with a couple of his exs i believe and I have no issue with that - he's with me now and they are exes... why would I worry.

Ryan is something that I met when i was sixteen and that's when the relationship was so it's a very long time ago. There's no issue as far as keeping in touch with him and I know my boyfriend won't care at all that I speak to him.

The visit though - yep i thought that was a bit much so i've knocked it on the head. Thank you again :-)
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 23
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:47:18 AM
I agree, the rudeness is completely uncalled for. I'm sure many of the most rude ones are far from perfect themselves so they should probably climb down off that high horse and tone it down a bit.

I think it says alot about your character that you aren't wanting to hide anything from your new beau and you're willing to be completely honest. That's good because honesty is the best possible foundation you can build for a new relationship. The ex staying at a B&B seems to be the best idea. Not only does it help set your boyfriends mind at ease but it prevents you and your ex from any temptation that may arise. A smart person in a happy relationship says NO to the temptation of an ex. A smarter person avoids the temptation altogether, wouldn't you agree?

I think it's perfectly acceptable to spend time together as friends, regardless of whether you're ex-lovers or not. Willingly inviting them to stay in your home is another matter. You seem to already know this and respect your relationship with your new man, so kudos to you.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 24
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:58:40 AM
Im glad you've got it all sorted,Op and *I* see nothing wrong at all in staying in contact with a past boyfriend on a strictly platonic level which IS possible.
I speak with my ex frequently and my (current) man isnt fearful at all coz he knows there's nothing to worry about.

Any man who cant handle that is very insecure in my opinion.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 25
Ex coming to visit / new relationship - best way to deal with it?
Posted: 1/11/2012 6:58:59 AM

These were plans made before I met my current SO and the whole point of this post is because I am now not sure I'm comfortable with them. I asked a friend IRL whether she would just cancel the visit completely and she said to ask my boyfriend what he thought.




first off, if your ""friend"" told you to ask your boyfriend, she ain't really a good ""friend"" or yall are just about as deep/shallow/naive as a puddle of water....

if i started dating a girl and she came to me with this situation... ""oh the plans were already made"" I'd be like ...

that is ok - you can keep them plans...

what it sounds like is you are trying to keep both men as happy as possible instead of having one happy and the other not happy.


life doesn't work that way, at least not with relationships.


and if you've told your current man about all of this, I guarantee you he does NOT understand.



here is a relationship hint:

when it comes to your own dealings with the opposite sex...

how would YOU feel if the roles were reversed ??


would you want one of HIS exes staying over in his house for a few nights, cuz they were long term friends anyways and plans had already been made... ???

can you imagine laying there in bed trying to sleep...

knowing that one of his exes is laid up in his house all night

just the two of them.

who knows WHAT they are doing....

what ARE they doing....


yep...that's what they are doing...
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