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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > An ex gets cancer, what would you do?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 3
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An ex gets cancer, what would you do?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I think it has a little bit to do with how long you've been divorced and how old your children are.

I've been divorced for 13 years and my children are in their twenties.

If my ex were diagnosed with cancer now, I would support my kids in dealing with it, but it would certainly not lead me to change my behavior toward him in any way.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 4
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:08:48 PM

I think it's a bit presumptuous to think that just because she contacted him she was trying to "get him back".

How did you get that out of this?....
she was looking for a little moral support...testing the waters per se.



OP, yeah you probably shouldn't have given him 'your' answer.. he's got to decide 'his own' ..
but he brought it up to you FOR your opinion, right?

I mean you didn't just butt in where you weren't asked, right?

He's your friend and friends share opinions/thoughts/ideas, expecially when asked, is the way I see friendship.

Seeing as you're feeling a bit bad about giving him your opinion, what you could do is give him a call and just explain that to him.

You know, this thing of "good open communication" is for friendships as much as for romantic relationships. ~smile~
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 5
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:19:20 PM
do u have kids w/ the ex???

i'd offer some level of emotional support, even rides to drs/tx

when my ex had to get biopsied, i did that & he did the same 4 me. lucky, both of us came out negative. but if either of us were in a serious relationship, it could be sticky...
 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 7
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:44:07 PM
I guess I hadn't thought about this before. I was married to my ex for a very long time. We pretty much grew up together. Eventhough he's a huge douchebag to me now, being the kind of person I am I would offer to do whatever I could do to help him. Ultimately he is the father of my children...
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 8
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:51:10 PM
I would offer to help...he is my sons father. I would not want my son to feel alone or that no one else cared.

I have had a battle with cancer myself, and the ex was not helpful in any way. However, for myself...this would be all about my son.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 9
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:56:08 PM

I have had a battle with cancer myself, and the ex was not helpful in any way. However, for myself...this would be all about my son.


sorry to hear that- i hope u had support from friends & other family members

you are a very good person to still be willing to help the ex bec of your son.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 10
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:59:51 PM
Good post. But, sad. I'm in agreement with most of you. For once. Extra time with my daughter; well that goes without saying. Rides to Dr. , sure. $, hell no. Some x's (m & f) would try to financially exploit their situation. You do have to draw the line at some point. There was a reason she became an x. Her new man has to be responsible for something. Also, her biological family has to step up as well.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 11
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 12:59:54 PM
The answers to hypothetical questions such as this will be all over the map. It depends on what people assume. So I would take anything you get here with a huge grain of salt.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 12
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An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 1:05:22 PM
Being I am someone who has had breast cancer.. I find it odd and unbelievable an ex would tell him she "MAYBE" had it.
People who fear they have cancer usually wait for test results and either confirm or rule out cancer.. they do not go around saying they "might" have it....

so in this case her telling him she "might" have cancer, I would have told them to let me know they test result as there is no way to diagnose cancer without a boipsy.

NO biopsy, no way to tell, thus just attention seeking behavior.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 14
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 1:49:55 PM

you are a very good person to still be willing to help the ex bec of your son.


Thats nice to say.

I really dont think of it as being nice, but rather being supportive to my son, who I would do anything for in his hours of need...and even if I dont like my ex a whole lot...he is my sons Dad and my son would be devastated if his Dad was seriously ill and no one was stepping up to help out. I just could not do that to my boy. I also would look at it as an opportunity to help my son see the 'water under the bridge' and all that. I consider that my job...to show him what being compassionate, empathetic means. It is not just nice words, it is action.

On a side note, I kicked cancer's AZZ!
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 15
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 1:54:14 PM
@ holycow. Yep. That's what I meant. Unfortunately, some low lifes have been known to exploit this kind of situation. Wow, don't you even hate to mention that kind of behavior?

KUDOS TO YOU FEMALE CONNECTION!!!!!!
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 17
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 2:59:50 PM
My ex wife, who I have not spoken to for over 6 years,
has recently developed some serious medical issues.
Of course I am concerned and compassionate towards her.
She is the mother of my sons so her health affects them greatly.

If she needed my help and support I would be there for her.
As she doesn't... I have not contacted her.

( We divorced amicably and do not stay in contact
simply because our kids are grown..she lives at great distance...
and moved on with her life...as I did with mine.
There is no bitterness or bad blood between us.)

So my advice would be for him to listen to what she needs
and offer support in a way he can.
If doing so is uncomfortable for him...then he should hold back.
But if moral support and being a shoulder to lean on is doable....
without causing him greif or her confusion...then he should do that.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 18
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 3:35:30 PM
I would probably put some action in to support my ex b/c he is the father of my kids, and they would want me with them as they are helping him. One is a young adult and the other 2 are still kids. If all my kids were older, I'd probably do what I'd do for any friend who was not my best friend or not otherwise alone--help with pre-made meals, offer to drive occasionally, those kinds of things. He may be my ex, but he is not a horrible person and no one really deserves to suffer alone.

If my ex was completely alone and the kids were not available to help him (when adults), I'd probably do more--he is still their father and if I had any friend who was really isolated from family support, I would know it is up to friends to step in at that point. I'd esp. help them find the resources to provide the support I couldn't provide--home health nurses, if needed, those kinds of things. I don't have to love someone to want to do as much as I can when they are in a really difficult situation.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 19
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An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 3:53:15 PM
I was just thinking about this yesterday. I know if my ex got sick my kids would expect me to help him. I know he wouldn't help me.
I also know I wouldn't refuse to help him in any way because of my sons. I would do it for them.
I think your friend needs to do what he feels comfortable doing. Each one of us would probably have certain boundaries/limitations depending on a lot of factors. He has to live with himself.
 Former_Yamaha650_Rider
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 20
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 5:29:42 PM
OP,
I'm confused as to why you second guess yourself? You gave him your opinion. It's for him to do what he wants with it.

You say you're not sure what you would do now. Why would you do anything?
 a_lonewolf
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 21
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 6:10:52 PM

When they cheat on you and you are forced to divorce them, you owe them nothing. Your friend owes her nothing. If she's so shallow to cheat on him, she'd probably be so shallow as to not support him if he was the one with cancer. In his shoes, I'd let her rot and silently hope it was as painful as possible on the way out

It's pretty sad that some one would have this mentality. What if it was you that developed cancer? As it was in my case. Yes my ex cheated on me, I ended our relationship because of it, yet she was the one who kept me company when I was sitting there for 7 hours taking chemo every second week. She was the one who made sure I had food in my house for when I was sicker than sh!t and couldn't do it on my own.
Go figure.
Would I help her? Absolutely. You tend to take things for granted until it happens to you.
You'd be suprised who would step up to the plate and who doesn't.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 22
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 6:12:59 PM
@ msg 27: Mr. Start, Your story is my story. She is still the mother of my wonderful daughter. Forgive and forget. Move on. Fresh start.
 Senab
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 23
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An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 6:33:06 PM
Help with the child because that is the only responsibility really. But as you said...she chose her path and he owes her nothing..only the child.
Karma
 aboutgettingby
Joined: 2/18/2011
Msg: 25
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 9:51:14 PM


I think if my ex husband called and told me he had cancer I would be very sorry for him and his family (he is my children's father after all) and ask if I can help in any way.

Needing moral support does not mean she wants to reconcile or still loves him, nor should her past infidelities give him reason not to do the right and moral thing which is to reach out and help. Taking the low road is not an option for me no matter what.
As the father to her child he needs to know exactly what is going on, anything less would be hiding information from him in case he does need to step it up. Offering a ill person a ride to the hospital or a shoulder to lean on is hardly a huge imposition.


+++++++++

I would hope at the most basic level this would be true not matter what your relationship was/is, great response.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 26
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/12/2012 11:07:58 PM
Maybe I'm overdue for my nap but I fail to see what the problem is. Exes, one gets sick and comes to the other for some kind of support...and what?

Aren't we pretty much all in agreement that we'd help someone we were close to when called upon to do so? Is anyone suggesting the sick ex should be turned away?

Did your friend get back together with his ex? Is that the part I missed?
 Former_Yamaha650_Rider
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 27
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 3:46:28 AM
OP,
I don't think your opinion was non-compassionate. Your friend has to make his own decisions and it's up to him at what level he wants to render support.
I don't know the full story about their relationship but it sounds like she didn't pay him much respect when they were together. If I was her I wouldn't expect much help and support from him and rightfully so.
He needs to live his life and not get too involved in someone elses. If he feels in his heart that he should help out, for no other reason that humanitarian ones, then he should. But he should be careful to become someone she would rely on completely.
Should he find himself in that situation it will severly hinder him in fullfilling his own goals and his on quest for happiness with a new woman, if that is indeed what he's doing.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 28
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:00:13 AM
This one is a tough one,,,but even tougher when children are involved. I know I've gone thru a couple things in the past 2 years,but, the LAST person I would be asking or even telling my story to would be my ex. But, that's me. Plus,my daughter is at an age where she knows bits and pieces,and knew what the "potentials" could have been,and WE were dealing with it,without the ex.

Now,,,I don't even know "if" my ex would come towards me with this kind of information????? I'm guessing she would more than likely send the message thru our daughter,because of the ex's second child and her future.I'm a big part her "other" daughter's life,and if anything did happen to the ex, one of my "jobs" would be to make sure that one had me around during her growing up years. That would not change if my ex dropped dead tomorrow, in fact,it would only increase.

I guess what I would do, is to make sure my ex KNEW that I would stay around and keep an eye out on the little one. But,my ex already does KNOW that. It really doesn't even have to be said.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 29
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:11:13 AM
OP you shouldn't be beating yourself up for what you told your friend .......... he came to you and asked for your opinion and you gave it to him.......perhaps since you've had a change of heart you should talk to him again since you seem so close........

It is a tough situation..........in my case I don't believe my ex husband would come to me with that kind of information, however, if he did, I imagine I would try to help out in any way I could.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 30
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 5:58:47 AM
@ msg 40: Hey Walt, Getting involved with the "other" daughter is too cool. You're the man. Well, from your responses to previous posts we can see you "do the right thing" as Spike Lee would say. Hope the last 2 yrs. were not too rough. More than that, hope it's all cool now. You're right the x already does KNOW that.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 31
An ex gets cancer, what would you do?
Posted: 1/13/2012 7:07:42 AM
"I'd rather die knowing I loved fully and completely, than die knowing I let pride or past hurt kill any compassion for someone who once meant the world to me."


^^^^I agree with what Landra said, 100%.

I think in your friend's situation, despite whatever his ex did or didn't do, he, in essence, has both the human and spiritual opportunity to decide "Okay, my ex has cancer, and when together my ex's behaviour was ___________.
Given this, who or what am I going to decide to BE in relationship to all of that?"

Anyone of us could say "I will be love and compassion." We could also say "I choose not to be love and compassion because _______." Yet whatever the "because" is, IT just may kill us. We may not be clear about how we are eventually going to die (the disease or the circumstance), but we can be clear about how we are going to decide to live, today.

In my experience, how people die (the process) will very much be a reflection of how they chose to live. When I worked with the dying, many people I knew in my personal life would ultimately state, in one way or another, "I wonder how I'm going to die."

My current response would basically be the same as it was then: "That's easy. Ask yourself how you're currently living, for that is how you will most likely die. If you're happy with how you're living, then don't change a thing. If there are certain things you'd like to change, do it now. Now is all you have. Now is all anyone of us have.
Yet, that is everything."
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