Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the c      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 NJ_Phil
Joined: 10/1/2011
Msg: 4
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I would say it's just a matter of time. I've never heard of a happy ending where 2 people met after one of them cheated on their spouse for the other, granted there must be exceptions.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 9
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 3:04:29 PM
Personally, I believe once a cheat, always a cheat. I've never seen any different and if it has ever happened, I would think it would be more that the opportunity to cheat did not occur again rather then the leopard changed his/her spots.

I've known people who cheated and set up with the person they cheated with - but there isn't a complete trust between them. They get a short leash on each other. That's not living to me.

I want a partner who chooses me each and every time because I am the person he loves, not because I have to keep him within my sights for the rest of our lives.

Once someone has cheated, they've shown who they are. I believe them and walk away. I wouldn't trust them again. And I'm not choosing that for myself.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 10
view profile
History
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 3:30:14 PM
I think it depends on the person and their motivation to cheat in the first place. Ignoring the serial cheaters, I'd think that someone who only cheated due to great dissatisfaction with their prior relationship, is unlikely to cheat if they enter a good relationship.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 11
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 3:33:16 PM
I think 99% of the time, yes...if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

Although there are many reasons a person can cheat, the very fact that they will do it demonstrates a problem handling issues within their original relationship. Unless they do some significant growing, they will handle any problems with you in the same way.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 12
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 3:56:45 PM
if it's someone that always deliberately does it and feels not remorse then yes they are always a cheater. If someone cheated once and the person is really sorry for it and is fighting to get you back, that might be another story. But most cases usually once the damage is done, IT'S DONE.
 abee_normal
Joined: 12/6/2011
Msg: 15
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 4:59:05 PM
The answer is:

If they want to do it, they will. If they don't. they won't.

Most are not the game playing types that are cheaters seeking long term romantic relationships. Most are everyday folks, that have lapses in judgment. sometimes its situational. sometimes its puposeful relationshp suicide.

The saying is mostly a fear driven generalized statement, often by victims of cheaters trying to make sense of the cheaters actions. by generalizing it, they can diffuse any personal responsibility that they may or may not have leading to the partner straying.

The decision to cheat is completely based on an individual and their reasons for doing so. If someone has cheated before, and doesnt understand the underlying motivations within themselves, then yes. it is possible that they would be tempted to solve problems in the relationship again, by thinking that going outside of the primary relationship is okay.

To maintain a solid relationship, there has to be good communication. once that breaks down, both are responsible. thats where the victims personal resposibility comes in.

keep in mind that people swing.. having multiple partners is okay if both partners in the primary relationship do not demand it. its the "hiding" element that defines cheating, not the need to be monogamous.

Both parties cheated, techically, if they knowingly did so. Both are faced with the same inherent trust issues
monogamy, exclusity, and trust are gifts we give those that we love, not demands to be forced upon our partners.

 FloridaLady46
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 22
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 6:07:13 PM
People always have the free will to change their behavior if they really want to, so I would say that yes, it is possible they could be faithful in the future. Unfortunately, the odds are in favor of them repeating the past behavior, and a lot of folks will be saying "I told you so" when it happens!
 Bobster999
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 23
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 7:10:45 PM
Of course its true. That should be obvious.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 24
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 7:24:49 PM
This brings up another issue. A lot of people claim to have friends of the opposite sex and some are friends with their ex's. If someone has a cheated in the past, would you feel comfortable with that person who has friends of the opposite sex and/or is friends with ex's?
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 27
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 8:38:24 PM

When people cheat in relationships, generally it is because the relationship is already in trouble.


I think this has a lot of truth to it but the reason you need to add "generally" is because there is a much simpler, more basic underlying issue. Cheaters are selfish, fair-weather sort of folks. The second things get difficult, they bail.

I'd say in more cases than not, the relationship is in trouble because of the cheating.

Cdn_Iceman mentioned a point above where cheating behaviours cross over into different aspects of a persons life (well that's what I think he was saying anyway) and I think this would be for the same reason.

Which is why Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater rings so true for so many of us.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 29
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/15/2012 9:52:41 PM
I wouldnt trust a man who'd cheated coz i wouldnt like that aspect of their personality.
To *me*,its a real character flaw ie: its in their nature.

Im NOT a cheater because i couldnt do that to anyone or look at myself in the mirror.
Its all the lies and deception that accompanies it
 isseycat
Joined: 9/18/2011
Msg: 31
view profile
History
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 11:56:30 AM
oh yes they will cheat again eventually my ex did, when i met him i did not know i was the other woman, and when he was chasing after me he was living with his then partner and 3 children, i found out after i had given up my job,and home and moved to the town he came from, the reason he got away with it was long distance relationship, fast forward 8 years and he is now my ex because he did the same thing to me cheated, and before anyone says marriage must have been in trouble , no it wasnt we had a good life together still good love life all the normal stuff he just couldnt help going for the chase again, the ego boost, the grass is greener on the other side, so serial cheaters always do it again at some point
 Kings_Knight
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 32
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 12:17:27 PM
The answer that holds up over time is 'Yes'. I fail to comprehend how people can engage in an activity which, on its face, is an exercise in misplaced trust, yet, through another exercise in 'magical thinking', can believe the same person / people who took part in an activity outside the bounds of their promises to others will view them as the 'special one' on whom the other would never dream of cheating after being the one they cheated with.

Dream on. It seems the only way some lessons are (or can be) learnt is the hard way.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 36
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 1:15:32 PM
I think it would be naive to ignore the fact that someone has cheating in thier past.

I am not a generalist, where I will paint everyone with 1 brush, but knowing something like this would definitly give me pause.

I have never cheated or been cheated on myself. I dont want that in my life. The man in question would have to have one hummdinger of a story to make me look the the way.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 37
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 2:12:11 PM

Once cheated on, always cheated on...........


Have to say, I do see this a lot.

There have been many men who have tried to accuse me of things I would never in a million years ever do, and they figure because thier ex did it, then everyone else would do it as well.

When I said I dont want cheating in my life, I meant in this capacoty as well. I refuse to be punished for someone elses crime.
 Della D
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 38
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 2:20:02 PM
Could it be possible? Could be, I guess, but highly unlikely. Pathological cheaters are hardwired to cheat for myriads of reasons and has nothing to do with what they do not get at home, meaning these reasons have nothing to with any particular partner.

Therefore, there isn't any reason to believe that this cheater will meet any person they will be faithful to.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 40
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 2:28:16 PM
didnt read the whole thread yet so im not sure if this viewpoint has been presented ..this coming from an old ex player/cheater/sex-addict ..yes even old cads eventually get tired of playing... I did it for years it cost me almost every good thing I ever found .. but at the time I didn't have the power to stop..its like any addiction you only can break it when you hit bottom .. my last and current relationship is the only one to which I have been true ..and it was a do over of a past relationship..maybe its like alcoholism cant whip it till you admit your an addict ..but its been over 10 years since I had the desire to cheat ..and yes I have had temptations and opportunities.. I guess there could be circumstances where a person could be pushed to cheating but one thing for sure .its 100% easier the second and subsequent times
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 41
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 2:30:19 PM

Once cheated on, always cheated on...........life aint that simple, bitterness sticks out like a sore thumb on a dating site forum frequented by middle aged single people.


Any chance you consider yourself a reformed cheater who has learned his lesson? My life experience thus far has shown me that loyalty is a rare thing. I don't think that makes me bitter, just smarter...lol
 chowe1948
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 42
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 3:31:37 PM
Always.. sweetie.. if they cheat with you they will cheat on you.. they just hone their skills ... never seen it fail... remember he or she is capable of it so be ware... the thrill of the chase.. and after they get you ... mmm watch out...
 chowe1948
Joined: 8/28/2011
Msg: 43
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 3:37:15 PM
amen ...you sure said it all... sometimes they want the one back they were cheating on when they are with their new love.. how sick is that? So some times they try to keep us all.... oh they are sure to have one warming up in the bull pen at all times... disgusting..
 long2b
Joined: 7/12/2010
Msg: 44
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/16/2012 4:33:24 PM
there never is a "happy ending" if that were true there wouldn't be an ending.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 45
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/17/2012 4:17:38 AM
^^^^..message 50... I made this profile about 6 years ago when I was single .. got interested in these forums ...made lots of forum friends ..when I got back with my ex I deleted the pictures ...gave my wife my password and made it perfectly clear that I am still here only for the forums ... the only friends I am interested in are forum friends who live miles away..many times countries away...and I will never meet ... now I visit the forums when I am bored ...which is quiet often because of the type work I do...and my wife looks at my posts and profile any time she wants...so I don't see it as tempting myself
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 47
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/17/2012 4:54:52 AM
^^^^^..Message 54.. yes my wife has read my profile and I changed my profile again just for you just now ...No I'm sorry before that I'm pretty sure it has been a long time since I changed my profile ..yes I wrote those likes /interest just for her ..your mistaken I'm sorry it has been years since I have been looking to meet ..actually I have just recently started coming back on here for about 2 years I have been doing the facebook game thing but that has become such a hassle ..so I have come back to visit the forums ..I even had to get my password back ..I had forgot it ..But if you don't believe me Im sure there are still a few of the old forum regulars that will vouch for me ..Ask ..Kayleycat ...msmicky or whytwater ..they have been here since my days as a single fish

POF did play a part in my wife and I getting back together

whether you believe me or not maters not ..I only use my stories to support my opinions ...because my life stories have formed my opinions ..the forums have actually been a blessing to me ..they have taught me to be a better person ..they have showed me how others view things that I have done in my past ..so I guess the first statement in this paragraph is false ...I do care what you forumites think of me ..because I now want to be the best i can be ..and maybe help others to avoid my mistakes
 newlysingle31
Joined: 12/14/2011
Msg: 50
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/19/2012 4:23:52 AM
"The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour."

I don't know who said it, but it's true. If he/she, while in a relationship, doesn't respect the boundaries when they find someone attractive (and normally someone they barely know), then what makes you think he/she will not become enamoured with the next person who fits that bill and cross those boundaries again?

As someone looking for a committed partner which will hopefully one day become a wife, I don't want to play those odds. Would you?
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 52
view profile
History
If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??
Posted: 1/19/2012 5:29:01 AM
As a man who was cheated on by his (now) ex-wife...

I have spent long hours contemplating this issue. The one thing I can come up with is this. Both of us were unhappy at one stage in our marriage. I became clinically depressed. She stepped out. Niether of us had the skills to reach towards each other. Thank God I have "done the work" in therapy, and when I began to emerge from my depression, my instinct was to reach towards her. But she had already gone and had entered another relationship behind my back.

I think character is like a pane of glass. Once you break or crack it, it will never be as strong as it was before. Once you have said "I quit," on one thing, it is easier to say it again on other things. This is why the military uses such extreme methods of training their SEALs and special forces. Because if you can quit in training, you can quit even more quickly in the field. The reverse seems to hold as well. If you can stick it out through the hard moments, then you are stronger afterwards.

I don't know if my ex-wife will cheat on her current lover. Frankly it is my own pettiness that would wish her (and him) ill anyway. I do know this... If I were him, I wouldn't relax when she is on the internet at 3am, gabbing with "a friend."

Thankfully, I no longer have to worry about that.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If they cheat with you, will they cheat on you. Is this always the case??