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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 1
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup? Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
The man I have been seeing has asked me to marry him but my worry is that we are older and both facing retirement in less than 2o years. He has some financial issues, namely related to his health and a foreclosure on a property he owned with his ex-wife that she refused to sell. He has a great job that he has held for 20 years and some retirement savings, but a "small amount of credit card debt".

He has no other assets other than an old car and now has poor credit due to the foreclosure. I, on the other hand, have no debt, own my home, have investments, retirement, income property and a nice car. Am I wrong to want to protect my own retirement security against the possibility of divorce by asking for a pre-nup and full disclosure of all financials before I accept his proposal?
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 2
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 2:10:37 AM
I'd do it and make sure you cross all the Ts and dot all the Is. In my state for a pre-nup to be legal the other person has to have their own attorney review it for them, and that attorney can't be the same as yours. Also you need to consider what his poor credit rating will do to yours. I don't know but I see a lot of 'red flags' there. Be careful, very careful that you don't get taken. Best of luck and I hope it works out for you.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 3
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 2:37:51 AM
Absolutely get a prenup.

Whether you marry or live together.

Protects yourself and him and both of your dependents.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 4
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:33:28 AM
I would too.

I was badly burned by my ex financially - lost my life savings - money which I had before we married. Also, because we live in Canada, I got half of his debt upon divorce, for credit cards I didn't even know existed !

Protect yourself. I know if there's a next time for me, I will, even if just living together.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:39:19 AM
Sounds like one of the practical reasons why many of us do NOT want to remarry, just reconnect as mates. The laws and financial institutions of the land aren't designed to make the individuals have the best life they can, they are designed by the moneyed interests to maximize their returns.

I would suggest that you will need more than a pre-nup to keep from having the sort of legal entanglements you are concerned about. You will need to rearrange the details of your ownership of what you have, in complicated ways that require financial attorneys to work out. Otherwise, the FACT of your marriage will be used by the financial institutions to ignore your prenup, which only protects you from your SPOUSE trying to pull a fast one.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 6
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 3:52:01 AM
Yes,Op,DO get a pre-nup to protect yourself.

You never know what the future holds.

Your fiance will hopefully understand this
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 7
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:42:27 AM
@ OP One of the big problems with this forum is just like a lot of other stuff it's too global. We can't really give any advice. Laws differ from state to state. Some pre-nups have a 3-yr window. Some are just so full of loopholes. Another dynamic of getting involved at our age. RETIREMENT. Some folks never will. Do you want to spend your quality years with some one still working? Do you want to retire them? Are you talking marriage? Really? That's a big step. You did not mention children. That is also a huge issue. Make a mistake now and you could be a another workplace casualty. Would you financially alienate your children for a future potential mate? Hmmmmmmmm
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 8
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 6:59:31 AM
You are a smart woman.

YES ... get a prenup.

I did for my second marriage and it saved my butt.
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 9
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 7:00:20 AM
Absolutely should look into how to do a legal pre-nup.

If he gets upset about that, then you probably should reconsider his complete motives in wanting to marry. Yes, he may love you, but.

Also think on this... in many things his bad credit will effect your credit standing once you're married.
Remember... it is OFTEN heard "my husband/wife flucked up MY credit".

Also think on this... YOU will be the one signing for anything needed in the future.

Also think on this.. in another thread you said he wasn't in very good health and over-weight. Think - medical bills. Think - stuck with his financial obligations if he dies.

Also, as someone else pointed out.. a pre-nup will only 'protect' you from him in case of divorce (and sometimes it simply can get over-rided).
It won't protect you against credit people or medical people or corporations or businesses hassling you.

With all that said,
and also with you saying in the other thread words to the effect of "this seems to be the best I can get" (as if you're 'settling' for this man)..
maybe you should decline the marriage proposal?
You don't have to 'break up' with him!
Just ask if he can wait and see how things look in a year of being together.
It's usually wise to do that anyway!
If he's not all that greatly in love and his purpose is mainly to be married to someone.. he'll let that be known.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 10
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 8:07:45 AM
People have brought out some excellent points here- it's not just about your current and already existing financial picture, but you need to study the impact marriage may have on any federal or state pensions you receive in retirement, and issues of financial responsibility in the event of long-term care being needed by either one of you. Some of those matters cannot be controlled by a pre-nup.

If your personal belief system doesn't permit cohabitation as an option , then I think you need to proceed very cautiously. I think that already the financial imbalance between the 2 of you is causing you concern.


and also with you saying in the other thread words to the effect of "this seems to be the best I can get" (as if you're 'settling' for this man)..


If you do not absolutely and whole-heartedly love this man, if you are looking to marriage for companionship or some kind of external validation, then I think you should NOT be considering marriage.
Cindy O
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 11
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 9:31:45 AM
Two attorney's helping you two set up what will work for the both of you.

Starting a separate "trust" for each of you can help make sure that money you bring to your marriage will go to your family only, and how that works. It is wise to keep separate bank accounts, credit cards, and other financial documents. You can easily have one joint account that the both of you contribute to each month, but the remainder of your assets should be protected individually.

You will need to know the common law marriage laws for your state, and follow the attorney guidelines for showing that you are separate but equal when it comes to assets, other than what you preplanned to put together. A pre-nup, is just one of many items to look at carefully.

Easier at times to just take turns living at each others house, and keeping everything separate in every way possible. The courts will look at much of this differently, if one sells their home and moves in the home of the other, and how each of them contributes to the household. It just seems to me that staying single is less complex, unless planning on having a family.

cd...........
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 12
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 9:34:34 AM
it’s hard to believe the number of folks in our age category that simply have no financial plan for the future and are simply looking for a sugar Daddy/Mommy to cover their short comings.
You’ll have to make the decision but I sure would question if finance played a big part in the demise of his first marriage...
Definitely protect your assets legally...
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 13
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 9:44:22 AM
...AND when you speak to a lawyer, also find out how inheritance works where you live.

Most of us are of an age where we have aging parents - here in NS, inherited 'gifts' are excluded from matrimonial law, so unless the receiver add their spouses name, it is safe and remains the property of who inherited it. That's not always the case and might be worth checking into as well.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 14
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 1:00:55 PM

You did not mention children. That is also a huge issue. Make a mistake now and you could be a another workplace casualty. Would you financially alienate your children for a future potential mate? Hmmmmmmmm


Both of my children are grown and so are his...my parents were divorced in their 40's and both remarried successfully but they put unrevokable stipulations in their wills that provided equally for all of their surviving 6 children/stepchildren after the passing of the surviving spouse so that there would be no fighting amongst their children...smart parents.

And I agree...as for specifics, this topic is too global, but I am looking for general advice. If you were the one with less than desireable financial aspects, would you be offended if the man/woman you loved enough to want to marry told you a pre-nup would be part of that equation? And if you were the more financially stable, how would you go about broaching the subject of a pre-nup with someone who is in every other aspect a wonderful person?
 rec_diver
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 15
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 1:14:16 PM
Screw the marriage.

It's a worthless outdated concept and most marriages fail anyway.

It's not going to make your relationship more secure, only harder to get away when and if things go sour, and the odds are close to 70% that it will.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 16
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 1:18:08 PM
Also, thank you all for your input. It is good to get other's perspective, especially when too close to an issue to see it clearly.

To those who ask if I am settling, believe me when I say that I am definitely NOT when it comes this man...he's absolutely wonderful and would be a loving, caring husband/life partner. His health and finances are issues; love is not. However, at our age, there is little time left for course correction so our path forward from here must be picked carefully and wisely. Have any of you ever had to have this conversation with someone they loved before...how did you approach the subject and how did it turn out for you?
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 17
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 1:47:22 PM
I had the conversation and a legal agreement. About 5 months after starting to live together.
We were not marrying just living together. Here in Australia it is called a cohabitation agreement as we were not marrying.

Check your laws. At that stage living together for 6 months mean't that either could make a claim. In death it is 1 day. Living together includes a few days a week visiting rights.

I used the approach of protecting both of us, so that what is his is his, and mine is mine. Anything we gain or buy, whilst together is shared.
Also to update wills.

So if for example he dropped dead then his children would still inherit, not me.

I had nearly triple his assets. So even though I used those terms it really was protecting me.

Did it help or hurt?

His lawyer told him not to sign as he was potentially giving up a lot of money.
He did sign and we lived together for 18 months. Or should I say he moved in with me.

The sad part is that money and other issues did raise their ugly head later, once my rose coloured glasses came off and the first flush of love / lust whatever wore off.

I found myself supporting a man who would come home from work and sit in front of the TV. Sex, conversation, outings etc all stopped.

He also wanted 'us' to buy a boat. When I asked how he was going to pay for his half. He said. You can buy it and I will pay you back when I can.

Thank goodness for the agreement because all I lost was what I had spent on supporting him. I still had my house.

Love can be expensive.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 18
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/23/2012 2:07:07 PM
My Mother ended up her last years in a home due to health issues and dementia where the family just wasn't able to care for her properly. If it wasn't for proper estate planing the estate would have had to repay medicare/medicaid a large sum. There are ways to protect your assets but it has to be properly done.

If it wasn't for her good health care plan from work, and their pledge to keep her covered no matter what happened. My wife's 7 years fight with cancer would have left us penniless and homeless.

Good luck and I hope the best for you.
 aboutgettingby
Joined: 2/18/2011
Msg: 19
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/26/2012 2:01:11 PM
I have a question, how important is debt, is there any way to guarantee that you do not become responsible for any debt your partner had at the time you happened to get married.

I kind of assume that debt that accumulates after you marry becomes shared, is existing debt the same.
 Glenoran1
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 20
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/26/2012 2:10:02 PM
WOW! There's sure a lot of pitfalls here that I never knew about. Perhaps that's why some folks I know each kept their own house and they spend their time together at each other's house, mostly each their turn. They have the best of both worlds, and none of the financial risks.

Frankly, there's a lot to be said for such an arrangement, by the looks of it.
 charlie_girl_2
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 21
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/27/2012 9:02:06 AM
Just rent a classy cabin in the Rockies during the winter. Ski and make love.
Just rent a classy villa in Italy. Drink and make love.
Just rent a classy resort in the Caribbean. Snorkel and make love.

Forget the marriage thing... too many legal issues in today's age for "our age". Much different for the much younger and their first marriage. Just live together and love each other. The rest will fall into place!
 swimapolis
Joined: 11/20/2011
Msg: 22
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/27/2012 7:15:18 PM
I would say no. If you are having thoughts like pre-nups are you going into it thinking that it will fail? If so then why do it. I don't have much but I would not ask for a pre-nup.
 Larrytwa
Joined: 8/1/2006
Msg: 23
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It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/28/2012 10:50:53 PM
Why not just live together?

Marrying with a prenup in my opinion just preparing for the finally, called divorce if your already thinking divorce why get married?
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 24
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/28/2012 11:15:24 PM
Expect the best, prepare for the worst.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 25
It's getting serious...Should I ask for a pre-nup?
Posted: 1/28/2012 11:19:52 PM
Living together during the engagement is the plan but we are both marrying kind of people...both of us attend church and were both married for many years before our marriages ended (mine because my ex was gay, he because his ex is severely bipolar and refuses medication).

No one plans to divorce, but we live in a common law state and we both were financially damaged in our divorces. I was left homeless for six months and his ex forced him into a foreclosure. It has taken 3 years and a lot of hard work for us to recover financially and I have been far more successful. I now have a house, savings, stocks, retirement, etc. He has a 401K and a good job but he also has health issues due to old injury, alimony/child support and a bad credit.

What I have heard in the forum is that we should have a cohabitation agreement drawn up before we move in together since it is my house and a pre-nup to protect us both if, God forbid, things do not work out. And that is what I am going to suggest to him before I will accept his proposal.
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