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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > To tell or not?      Home login  
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 southmeetswest
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 2
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To tell or not?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
this is better left alone. nothing to be gained by you telling. the wife will find out, he will tell or she will figure it out. a tough situation for him and god only knows what is rolling through his mind. but, i would leave it alone because it is between him and her.

kaylee
 goodkindacrazy
Joined: 3/3/2009
Msg: 3
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:20:45 PM
It could end up bad for your friendship whether you tell or not. If you don't tell her and she finds out that you knew and didn't say anything she may very well be angry. If you do tell her, you might end up being shot as the messenger. Its a tough situation for you. Perhaps another option would be to tell her husband that you know he was fired and that your friend deserves to know the truth. Tell him it would be better coming from him than from you. Give him a chance to come clean.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 5
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:33:33 PM
None of your business.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 6
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:47:04 PM
Don't be a busybody. Surely you have your own life to take care of.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 7
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:56:30 PM

It could end up bad for your friendship whether you tell or not. If you don't tell her and she finds out that you knew and didn't say anything she may very well be angry. If you do tell her, you might end up being shot as the messenger. Its a tough situation for you. Perhaps another option would be to tell her husband that you know he was fired and that your friend deserves to know the truth. Tell him it would be better coming from him than from you. Give him a chance to come clean.


Good advice. To those of you who say "none of your business", I wonder what kind of friendships you have with good friends.
 HeatherLynn120
Joined: 5/1/2011
Msg: 8
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:42:56 PM
I agree. I'd wanna know if something like this was happening to me but I'd want to hear it from him. Like 2 people said before me, confront the husband and give him a chance to come clean. If he doesn't then you should. She needs to know. It's not right that he gets to get away with lying about something like that.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 10
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 11:06:26 PM

To those of you who say "none of your business", I wonder what kind of friendships you have with good friends.

Not the kind based upon malice or degradation.

I can see telling a friend of an an impersonal development that he could take advantage of. I could even go so far as to give him vague advice on personal matters. But saying to him that I know his girl friend's ex and he tells me she took it in the ass nightly and she blew a musician in the back of a cab last month is unconscionable.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 11
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/24/2012 11:10:38 PM
somehow....eventually...
he'll have to tell something.
Just let the natural flow of events play out.
 Blue-Eyes-Shine
Joined: 11/26/2008
Msg: 12
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 12:06:20 AM

I know his girl friend's ex and he tells me she took it in the ass nightly and she blew a musician in the back of a cab last month is unconscionable.


You are in the wrong thread.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 13
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 3:06:00 AM
I agree with this…

Tell him it would be better coming from him than from you. Give him a chance to come clean.

and this…

give him a chance to come clean. If he doesn't then you should. She needs to know.

Hopefully he will follow that suggestion. Perhaps you would even keep an eye open for other jobs in his field… if your faith in him is strengthened a little first.

If he refuses, you’ll tell his wife there is a little problem at work that you’ve asked him to tell her about. And if he hasn’t done so within a few days, you’ll warn her that she better postpone any major purchases.

That way you’ve acted in good faith, offered options, taken steps to intrude as little as possible, and fulfilled your duty to warn.

Then step back; give them space to sort things out between them without your further involvement. When the dust settles, you should be in a pretty good place.
 raid_on_me
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 14
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 3:32:49 AM
I'd tell her or I'd asked the husband why he hasn't said anything. I'm not sure why people are telling you not to tell her. I guess she supposed to find out when the house is being foreclosed, huh?
 Former_Yamaha650_Rider
Joined: 9/4/2011
Msg: 15
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 3:59:43 AM
He has his reasons for not having told her yet, he might be trying to find another job before he tells her so that she is not getting too alarmed, he might be afarid of how to tell her, etc..

Friend or not, it's not your business to tell her. Sooner or later she will find out. Leave it alone.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 16
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 4:38:14 AM
Leave it alone.

It's THEIR marriage, not yours, EVEN though you know info.

The last time I shared info to another woman (about a guy she had only ONE DATE with) she turned into a ballistic, competative shrew. I can only imagine what someone would do if they learned that about their husband.

Good luck to you & your friends.
 softy599
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 17
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:24:55 AM
Holy crap, if a friend of mine new my man was lying to me and didn't tell me, we wouldn't be friends!

Bring it up as though you assume she knows. Say something like, "I am SO sorry to hear about ---- losing his job!"

Does he have an excuse for lying to his wife? Of course, all liars have excuses. If he misses that much work, to get fired for it, he is probably a loser anyways. lol
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 18
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:32:46 AM
While I would tell a good friend about a cheating spouse I would not tell her this. Certainly she's going to notice the lack of money in the bank soon. I agree he's probably trying to find a new job before telling her about being fired.
Let him decide when to tell her.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 19
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:39:16 AM
OP I'm in the "it's none of your business" camp.........sorry.

In the event you don't tell, and it happens to get found out you knew and your friend ended the friendship, well, then, they weren't a true friend anyway. IMO, there has to be a line somewhere. And too, you can't know what's going on behind closed doors.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 20
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:58:21 AM
You could be coy about it. Maybe ask your friend how her husband's job search is going, as if you assumed that he would have told her.

Her husband will get angry with you for spilling the beans. You have to consider that your friend will not leave her marriage, and that in the future you will be viewed as someone who once drove a wedge between them. Telling her about this could very easily cost you the friendship.

If she questions why you didn't tell her once she does find out, just say you were not able to for confidentiality reasons.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 22
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 6:08:18 AM
If it was an actual friend...someone I have had in my home and such, not just a casual friend...Id tell.

I wouldnt care of she got temporarily angry at me, the messenger usually does get shot...Id be prepared for that. I would feel worse though if she went out and bought a car or something because she didnt know her fiance was now unemployed. And knowing my closest friends-if they found out I had known all along and didnt tell -They wouldnt be my best friend anymore after that. They currently know I have thier backs-if I didnt tell and they found out, they would question that for sure. And I wouldnt blame them.

Doing what is right is seldom what is easy....lots in here seem to prefer the easy peasy way of living, but thats not how I roll.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 24
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 6:27:40 AM
If your friend confronts you of course you have to tell her. But when it comes to potential disputes between a married couple it is best to stay out of it most of the time.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 25
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 6:28:59 AM
I've learned from personal experience that it's best to stay out of other peoples marriages, no matter how good your intentions may be. If they come back to you with "Did you know about this? Why didn't you tell me?" I'd say... Look, I consider you a very good friend but I don't feel comfortable getting involved in your marriage. I felt it was your husband's place to tell you the truth and I figured he's already told you.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 26
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:20:16 AM
There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. It is essentially a lose/lose situation anyway you slice it. In the end the original poster must make the judgement call. But unless she has evidence he is fooling around now with his free time it is best not to be tangled up in a potential marriage dispute. If what the original poster says is true, that her friend handles the finances this will surface soon enough.

Some people want to be a hero, but sometimes you have no choice but watch the trainwreck happen. Life isn't fair and the feeling you can do more is there. But being the catalyst for driving a potential wedge isn't good either.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 27
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:23:15 AM

OF COURSE the answer is to tell your friend. Anything other than telling your friend is a horrible thing.


Actually, this could be considered disclosing confidential information and create problems for the OP (and her brother) with her employer.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 29
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:24:53 AM
Yes there may be legal ramifications tied to this as well which is why it is best not to be tangled up into this potential mess.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 31
To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:54:54 AM
Ask HIM how the job hunt is going.. and look up a few on the online unemployment sites and tell him about them.

She will notice the lack of income rather soon.. thats my take.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 32
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To tell or not?
Posted: 1/25/2012 8:20:27 AM

I just thought of something, do you really want to deal with " I know this because my brother fired him"
She would probably wonder why you know something after the fact but were unable to offer information before he got canned. It's is going to get very messy if you open your mouth.
Better to pretend your brother was professional enough NOT to divulge this information.


I went back and forth on this. And like Carolann0308 my advice flipped also.

I'm usually in the don't tell camp, but since this guy worked at her place, him being fired is a no-brainer.
But, more info is his whereabouts can be explained by "call outs" and the only way she could have known he was fired would be a manager opening his mouth when he shouldn't have.

Long story short, in "this specific instance", don't say anything.

BTW, the husband is a real piece of work. Way too many people know the the truth that is close to his wife.
Co-worker, that is a close friend of wife and the brother of that friend, fired him and he is lying about still working there?

If I were the OP, I'd mention to the husband what a piece of work he is and tell him his deception has a VERY SHORT shelf life.

Wow.
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