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 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 1
Standards, Preferences and other foolishnessPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I always sought a sophisticated blonde ex hippie chick with interest in world affairs and an affinity for culture. What I wound up with is a brunette Iowa farm girl with a decidedly parochial world view and inane interests. I didn't know what hit me.

Over the years, I met several women who possessed all that I wanted but even after several years of trying not a one could make the sale. The farm girl locked me up in a single day. The blondes had it all. The brunette had nothing on my list.

Now after two years of unqualified joy, I have come to the conclusion that my preferences meant squat. I don't necessarily think that this means opposites attract. Rather, it means that one's desires can easily be superseded and made void.

How common is it that people flush all of their wants in exchange for something really grand?
 jojoaus
Joined: 10/28/2007
Msg: 2
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/24/2012 9:54:14 PM
It's not so much that I flushed my wants as that I wound up with someone totally the opposite physically that I had always been attracted to. However trite it may sound, I fell for his mind not his body.

He may be physically different from my usual taste but I have to say we mesh politically and spiritually though. I really don't think I could partner someone who was diametrically opposed to me on issues which are very important to me.

I do like how fate toys with us though
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 3
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:10:04 PM
How common is it that people flush all of their wants in exchange for something really grand?


It's quite common for individuals to have "needs" that take precedence over their "wants". Sometimes the two can conflict.

A woman might want a rich man, but she also needs a man who is attentive to her and makes her a priority in his life. The rich man might be a workaholic who doesn't have enough time in his busy schedule to give her the attention she craves, so she ends up with a man with a modest income, who puts her first.
 4everRadiant
Joined: 1/16/2011
Msg: 4
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:25:44 PM
For me, a *mutual* connection is key.

If I meet someone who isn't 'the exact type' I would normally be attracted to, yet he and I connect on multiple levels, there's nooo question I would say "yes" to explore a relationship with him.

Even if he's quite different from the type I'm usually attracted to, as long as we fundamentally connect in mind, body and spirit, I would most definitely be willing to transcend any notion of "preordained wants."

I would not, however, be willing to forego my essential relationship need, which is to mutually and deeply connect in the ways that are most important to me.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 5
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:58:41 PM

I wound up with someone totally the opposite physically that I had always been attracted to. However trite it may sound, I fell for his mind not his body.


Jojo,same here!
My man is physically nothing like other men ive been involved with but his mind just captivated me from our first meeting and the more i saw him,the more intoxicating his company became :)
I'd met heaps of men and was kinda "settling" coz i couldn't find anyone who actually interested me.
Then he came along and *shazzam!!!!*......totally blew everybody else outta the water and now,i dont need or want anyone else.

Life is bliss
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 6
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/24/2012 11:05:52 PM
congrats on your success.
certainly proves
Realism works!
:-P
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 7
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:09:24 AM

How common is it that people flush all of their wants in exchange for something really grand?



Preferences can be fluid and changing.... however, ultimately I think it's core values that will matter more in the long run. If two ppl's core values are not matching then it doesn't matter how much they modify their preferences ... fundamentally, their values will still be a defining factor in the health of their relationship .. And IF one starts to compromising one's values I would see this as treading on thin ice.
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 8
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:23:16 AM
So you were searching for Ginger and found Maryann?

Congrats... you can continue to question it or just accept your good fortune.

Why expose yourself to, or go looking for trouble?

Now stop wasting your time in a singles' site and focus attention on your lady.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 9
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:47:53 AM
I don't have set in stone preferences...I can date bald guys.. or full heads of hair.. gray.. or blond.. thin or fat.

but it is very hard for me to bend on common interests..I am tired of fitting into "HIS" life.. but he doesnt fit into mine. My ex husband even dictated what i listed to on the radio or watched on TV.

Most the men who hit on me.. (i assume) figure that if i am Doable.. then im Dateable.

BUT... most the men that do NOT have any common interests.. nor are they attractive.. therefore not Doable
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 10
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 7:51:34 AM
Yep, yep, yep ...been there, done that.

I've always been attracted to intelligent, affectionate, compassionate men.

I married a guy who was dumber than a post and colder than a stone because he looked like Kix Brooks (formerly of Brooks & Dunn) because he looked good in that black cowboy hat ... go figure.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 11
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 8:10:48 AM
When we are deeply attracted to someone, the lists often get thrown out. Sometimes it works out, too, but sometimes you eventually discover that key compatibilities are missing. I hope that never happens to you, OP.

As for me, I met someone who more than met my standards and preferences, who was - and is - incredibly attractive to me, and who felt the same way about me. We are deeply compatible in all the areas that matter to us, and also share many interests and passions. We have it all, and I'm glad I didn't compromise or settle.
 _Italiangirl_
Joined: 12/5/2010
Msg: 12
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 9:43:39 AM
Halcyon Skies said it well.
Needs are deep seated and cannot be changed. Wants, i.e., "preferences" are easier to abandon when one's needs are suddenly met.
I too have preferences, but the two males in my life (many years apart) who met my needs best weren't in line with those. Their natures, minds, and hardwiring fit beautifully with mine, however, and the preferences ceased to matter.
Interestingly in my case, just like you, OP, the "image" of the male with whom I felt I'd best fit was nothing like the actual males with whom I did fit.
And oddly, the physical type that remains my preference, rarely contains the nature to which I'm best suited.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 13
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 9:53:33 AM

How common is it that people flush all of their wants in exchange for something really grand?

Because when you meet a really great NICE person, that is way more attractive than all the other stuff. Sure, there also has to be physical desire for her; but beyond that, not too much. I've always been of the opinion that what most men find most important in a woman is this: Someone we're physically attracted to, someone who's attracted to us, someone who's nice to us. Anything else would be nice, but not necessary. People make a big deal about having lots of activities in common; but in reality, all you need is a few things that you enjoy together. After all, no one can be 'everything' for the other. We need friends in our lives that fill the other needs as well.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 14
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 11:29:47 AM
OP, that is how life actually works for most of us.

We say to friends we like blondes...but a red head or a brunette walks by and there is something about him/her that makes you sit up and take notice.

This is one of the biggest issues with online dating. That person we say we wouldnt be interested in, isnt walking by us in real life. We cannot smell thier sexy scent, hear thier sexy laugh, or see the way thier eyes light up when they see something they like. All of these things can build an attraction. Regardless of what we thought we preferred.

Online we get to see a few 1 dimensional photos and read some text. It is easy to disregard the ones who dont fall into our pre set preferances. Yet...we cannot expect people to set aside time to meet anyone they are not interested in...

Real life is where it is at. Online is a plan B really...like the lottery you cannot win without a ticket, but dont think you can plan a retirement by winning the lotto.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 15
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 11:49:03 AM
I wanted something grand,
I pursued that across the globe.
I found someone grand;
glad I never stayed local
glad I never settled
never lost sight

(the Ginger or Mary Anne debate ! a tale nearly as old as time - Ginger for the glam and the glitz.... but when it is time to be serious - Mary Anne - every time; of course the writers only developed a one sided charicuture of each - reality is much closer approximation of a mix of the two)
 A_Gent
Joined: 8/18/2011
Msg: 16
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 12:39:01 PM
But given the choice between the two ... preference is definitely MaryAnn!

Or maybe you prefer... A Lavern or a Shirley?

 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 17
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 1:18:45 PM
hmmmm...I'm not really looking, so who knows what the future holds for me BUT Magic, I am very happy 4 u & your Lady cuz I know u deserve eachother...

You guys give hope to the rest of us

Also, I like the IRL thing where people meet by chance w/ their guards down & fall in love.

I guess I got tired of guys who email me & 17 other chicks, yadda yadda yadda...I'm ready to be someone's special lady too...
 egowitch
Joined: 6/5/2011
Msg: 18
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 1:47:06 PM
Yours is a perfect example of why I think that often, online dating can work against all of us. We each have our little "lists" and preferences, and systematically weed out those that don't fit "on paper" , so to speak.

I myself have a hunch that there's more than a couple folks I've met on here, that I should have given more of a chance to ...
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 19
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 1:47:50 PM
You guys all have hit slightly different aspects of the experience. I think all of it carries the seeds of truth. It's good to know I'm on the right track. I expected to hear a lot about never settle and stick to your standards but I don't see much of that here. I guess I'm in good company.

As I type this she is sitting behind me on her own computer playing some FB farm rubbish. I tried it and it bores me all to hell. Still, I find it charming that that is what she spends her time on. I reach backward and touch her pony tail and she leans into my hand. We do this night after night after night.

The new and exciting part is long dead. What I am living on now is the residual good will and solid comfort. If this is what it is like when things get mundane and boring, I am going to ask for some Barry Manilow CDs for my birthday.

I hadn't thought about the Ginger/MaryAnn thing. I thought I was going for a Michelle Phillips II. No matter. What I got makes MaryAnn look like a jet setting swinger. I'm prepared to stick with it.

Thanks for the analysis folks.
 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 20
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/25/2012 2:09:25 PM

Now after two years of unqualified joy, I have come to the conclusion that my preferences meant squat. I don't necessarily think that this means opposites attract. Rather, it means that one's desires can easily be superseded and made void.



Atleast you admit....A lot of people have a hard time realizing how "full of s&^*" they are.
 Colemin8r
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 21
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Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/27/2012 8:53:15 AM
It's akin to going to different fancy restaurants and ordering the same kind of dish - what is ordered is what's expected, but easy to pick apart and compare to other restaurants...

However, if a completely different dish is ordered - one which normally wouldn't be contemplated before, and it can either be foul and horrible, or a completely refreshing surprise.

How's this for another trademark metaphor? If you set your telescope to see nothing but Saturn, you'll completely miss the beauty of Mars or Venus.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 22
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/27/2012 12:37:26 PM
I get what magic is saying BUT...let me put it this way...my IQ is 131. I have an ad on another site...I got emails from 2 men who had nothing to say...could not spell...put a thought together...I am used to dating intelligent men...anyone other than that would bore me to tears...

All the dating in the past, I was not picky about their looks, tall short, thin, fat, etc. but intelligence & the ability to carry on a conversation is a must
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 23
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Posted: 1/27/2012 12:55:28 PM
Just goes to snow you eh?
I'm with someone who is certainly not the person I envisioned yet I'm really enjoying myself getting to know this kooky fellow with traits so different than just about everything I thought I would want. That being said, I am attracted to him, he to me, and we do share the same core values.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
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Posted: 1/27/2012 3:36:09 PM
I don't know, the only things on my list are if they are disgustingly gross in some area, like a bigoted twit or some such thing, so I have never gone around thinking I need someone who fills out my list of wants.
 114M3
Joined: 4/19/2011
Msg: 25
Standards, Preferences and other foolishness
Posted: 1/27/2012 8:25:40 PM
Physical and personality (shy, talkative, chatty, outgoing, introvert, extrovert, etc..) preferences can change - for some people, but myself I think no matter what the case I could never change my preferences for someone whose intelligence, character and integrity I could not respect. -- Again this ties back to to having core values that align.
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