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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)      Home login  
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 3
I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Here,,,I'm gonna put this down in a format and in black and white since you seem to be unable to keep your thoughts in any form of order.

YOUR sons are NINE months old,,,,they NEED YOU NOW and for the next 10 years. The first years of ANY child is the MOST important for their uprbringing. In other words,,,,if you are gonna phuck up as a mother,,,this is NOT the time to be doing it.

YOU are TWENTY years old WITHOUT a job,,,,or a career,,,,or whatever. Ask YOURSELF how YOU are going to supply with your TWO sons with a positive enviroment of which they can be raised????? The father of these TWO has shown his true colours,,,,do NOT think or believe he will change. He ain't gonna. Period.

It's up to YOU to raise YOUR boys. YOU. Not any boy,,,man,,,that you decide to invite into your the life YOU have today. YOU better get it into YOUR head right now, that YOUR main job right now,(and the next 10 years) is to be a MOTHER. A MOTHER. Take this job seriously,,,,for the sake of YOUR children. The children YOU decided to carry full term and then gave birth too,,,and brought into this earth.

Get YOUR priorities straight RIGHT NOW young lady. RIGHT NOW!!!!! Once you do so,,,you can come back on her and tell us what you decided. Okay???? Good. I'm done now talking to children about their children. Someone should have given you a few of these pointers a longggggggggggggg time ago. I'm sorry they didn't. Make sure you're not,,,,,,sorry.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/29/2012 4:42:53 AM
The dry version of what you've described is, that you simply have a hard time ahead of you, as all very young single mothers do. There's no getting around the extra hard work you'll have to do to raise twins, while still not having a career on going, or education completed.

As for your "inability to stop thinking about the bum," that's standard youthful infatuation with fantasy. You can't let go of him emotionally, not because you want him, but because you aren't ready to grow up and let go of your handsome prince childhood dreamworld.

One day, you will realize that that guy was NEVER who and what you thought he was. He was always who he really is. The gist of what most people are likely to tell you now, whether they say it angrily (as in shouting that you have to look after your children now, and shouting that you were a little fool for what you did to get yourself into this mess), or more kindly, is the same. You have to purposefully wake yourself up from your kid dream of a rock star Adonis (one of the modern equivalents of a handsome prince on a shining steed), and look directly at the world you actually live in. There really are wonderful things to enjoy, even in the toughest situation, that do not involved skirting your responsibilities to yourself and your children. But you wont have access to them, until you decide firmly to wake up, and recognize reality itself.
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/29/2012 5:20:09 AM
My friends and family can see that I'm very lonely, and have been pushing me to start dating again. I just don't see it happening though.

Sounds to me like you need to STOP dating and work to establish yourself as a working/ self supporting person.. of course this will be hard to do until your kids are in school full time, but you can start reseraching it.
You will then NEVER be dependent upon a man, his moods or acceptance of you. You will be able to stand on your own and do it well. You will certainly make better choices then too, about love and what it is.
Your heart is mixed up......... as you do not love someone who does not love you back and treat you well. You need to learn to make more mature choices and the only way to do that is to mature yourself.
best to you.
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 6
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I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/29/2012 5:50:58 AM
It seems that the first time you saw him you developed very intense feelings - very exciting and positive ones. And they seem to override the reality of what's actually happening now. Having intense feelings for someone doesn't mean that the person is right for you...or your children. If you can have these feelings for him you can have them for someone else...if you open yourself up to it.
Although you now have some serious adult responsibilities to contend with you seem emotionally immature. I would encourage you to get some help for your sake and the children's.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 13
I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/30/2012 6:43:21 PM

You clearly didn't read a word of my post

Actually I did,more than once,and this really stood out for me.

I'm sorry about the wall of text, and the unclear nature of what kind of help I want. I just don't know what to do. I'm struggling a lot with myself over this.

You remember typing it?????

And my words were telling you WHAT TO DO. You don't have to like what I had to say,,,it wasn't there to make you warm and fuzzy,but, as the previous poster stated, you are in la la land right now about this "guy". And this, I am sorry to tell you is NOT the time to be in "la la land". Your two sons are now your reality. You have to figure that out real quick,and please don't tell me you have. I can quote allllllll kinds of "stuff" from your post showing you the complete opposite.

I spoke of a job, a career, or some way of for YOU to have the ability to raise YOUR children,,,because YOU are the one that will have to. Not your sperm donor,cause we know were he is.(not beside you) And if you actually want to hear me be "rude", I could speak to you like I have spoken to my daughter about "stuff" like this. She got it. Are you going to "get it"??? It ain't about you anymore young lady. Far from it. There are TWO, I said TWO people in this world that will be looking up to you for guidance and direction,,,,,,starting NINE months ago. Are you ready yet????? Eliminate the fairy tale vision and get on with the reality of it all. The sperm donor is done. Simple.

YOUR sons NEED you!!!!!!
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 17
I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/31/2012 10:16:46 AM
@ OP: Just another old phart weighing in. GET THAT $ FOR YOUR KIDS. That's huge. Oh, excuse the caps. It sounds like you're doing OK and taking some positive steps. You know, both Walt and I, and I'd assume the other experienced gentleman have daughters. So, you can imagine the gravity of this kind of story on guys like us. Just askin........Did you communicate well with your Dad? BTW , Enjoy those boys. There are a lot of folks out there doing without.
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 18
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I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/31/2012 1:02:30 PM

One day, you will realize that that guy was NEVER who and what you thought he was. He was always who he really is.

Damn straight...

This is one of the things that makes relationships so hard. People are...well...people, not static objects that we can make into what we want. They do things that we couldn't/wouldn't, think things that we can't/won't, and are free to be whomever they really want to be as opposed to extensions of ourselves.

Own yourself, and only yourself. Let him be whatever person he will be; let that go and own up to your own feelings and actions. In the end, it doesn't matter (for your own soul and wellbeing) what "he" does. It only really matter what YOU do.
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 21
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I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/31/2012 5:42:17 PM
First off...HUGS. It sounds like you needed that. These forums can be a hard place to find empathy sometimes. The underlying messages might be well intended but the tone and delivery isn't quite what it could be given your current state.

I think you are doing the right things like some of the others have said. Sometimes we don't always make the right decisions in life but once they are made we just have to "make them right". You are doing that by getting your education, taking care of your boys, moving on with your life and looking for someone new. Sometimes its easy, other times it's a day-by-day or second-by-second kind of effort. You are grieving and that's ok. If a mother lost her son, and he was a douchbag at times, it doesn't mean she still wouldn't miss him, focus on when they had good times and wish he was there every once and a while. I think many women do this too much though...we forgive bad behaviour since we seem to lead more with emotions and sometimes we do and say thing we don't mean to...I figure its related to the same side of us that keeps us from abandoning our children when they won't stop crying...or you your case feeding them to a dingo lol.

It's hard to get your heart and your head to reconcile - easier said then done for sure - but it will get better. Who knows, you may never get fully over him. For some there is just that one person that sticks with you - it doesn't mean you stop looking. You liked him for so long, you shared some good times together, you had strong feelings for the man you thought he was, your brain is trained to think of him a certain just turns out he's not who you thought he was. Jenny McCarthy had a great line that her therapist said to have an amazing ability to bleach red flags white. Loved that line. I do it too and have paid the price. Now, even though you have had some bad experiences you continue to have an anticipatory response when you think of him. You have trained your brain to focus on the "idea of him"..the bleached white version. Now you need to spend just as much time retraining it to see him for who he really is. And its ok to still like his good least now you know what you like in the next guy...just make sure you acknowledge the bad and avoid those going forward. I agree having people bash him doesn't never does me. You just need some people who can help you acknowledge both sides until your heart strings let go some more. If you have some good friends or family to talk to, then reach out. If they can't relate and its too much for them, ask your dr for a therapist. Here in Canada you can get into places that you pay based on income so it won't cost you much (if anything). Maybe they will have the right things to say that will help you make sense of it all.

Good luck.
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 23
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I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)
Posted: 1/31/2012 6:25:11 PM
You're welcome:) I just happen to come up with that the other day to deal with my own heartbreak. It helped. That's the key for me too...finding the right words and relatable example to explain the craziness of the emotions. Love is love, it doesn't matter who it's directed hurts just the same. Grieve, cry when you need to...just don't get stuck in that spot!!
Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > I need some excellent advice please (wall of text)