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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Importance of a wedding to a marriage?      Home login  
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 24DegreeAngel
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 1
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Importance of a wedding to a marriage?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am pro marriage but an actual wedding does NOTHING for me. Never dreamed of the day, the details bore me and the price tag scares me. My bf really wants a wedding - a huge, fancy and expensive one and apparently it's important the bride be there also. (shucks) Needless to say it's a source of debate as we get further into the relationship.

One argument he mentioned was it's important in the process of blending our two families together. Which is a good point, our families live 4500 miles apart and key members may never meet without a wedding. Mind you I see the logistical nightmare of getting a large family on both sides together over all that distance and if they would almost never interact is it all that critical?

If the wedding was free and planned 100% by someone else and all I had to do was show up I'd probably do it (but it wouldn't be the best day of my life) but I still don't see why I should have one. He thinks that totally selfish to neglect the importance of our support network in a marriage.

I know many POFers have been married ... or more life experience... or just a general change of perspective from mine. Is there actual reasons why a wedding is important to a marriage that perhaps I don't see? (perhaps from the family perspective mostly)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 1:04:30 AM
In retrospect, I don't think that my wedding had much, if anything to do with all those things you mention. Blending families? Naah. One day with my dad in a suit, and everyone drinking champagne, was followed by 20 years of no contact between the two groups.
By the way, none of them showed up for the separation, and I don't expect any parties at the divorce either.

It's all symbolic, and it really is just ONE day of festivities. But then symbolic things do mean a lot to some people, hence your husband-to-be being so intent about it.

One thing you could consider, if you want, is a sort of reverse-marriage arrangement. Instead of the traditional massing at a single location, the two of you take a marriage-tour of your family sub groups, and have small parties with each. You'd get to travel that way, sort of a combined honeymoon and wedding. It wouldn't fulfill the image of two families joining forces to make a mess in a grand dining hall, but it would save money, and still let you celebrate with everyone.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 3
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Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 1:32:29 AM
No formal wedding here OP... and we are ok with it. totally. We used the money for other things we would use and enjoy day to day and week to week instead. We are happy we did too, more so since we have some friends close to out age who had the big wedding and went into debt 20,000 dollars that they could have better used in a small private ceremoney and had money for things they use day to day and week to week. Instead they begin marriage broke.
to each their own. I have no regrets for my choices.
Our situation much like yours w/ family either living far away, all over the world or deceased... so it was much on the crux of that ... that was used to make our choices.

a family that cares will support you if you elope, have a private cermoney or a big shin dig.... they will care all the same. It's them who has to show support and acceptance of your marriage.. you throwing a big party and big expensive cermoney for THEM is not support.
ps, we even recycled gold and diamonds we already had for rings... no going out and buying all new and expensive stuff for us. Marriage outcome is not dependent on how much money you spend !

<div class='quote'> One thing you could consider, if you want, is a sort of reverse-marriage arrangement. Instead of the traditional massing at a single location, the two of you take a marriage-tour of your family sub groups, and have small parties with each. You'd get to travel that way, sort of a combined honeymoon and wedding.
excellent idea.
and be sure its them who throws the party and pays costs... not you. Its them who can show support for the marriage then !!! you show up and let them support and welcome you.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 4
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 5:48:47 AM
I am pro marriage but an actual wedding does NOTHING for me. Never dreamed of the day, the details bore me and the price tag scares me. My bf really wants a wedding - a huge, fancy and expensive one and apparently it's important the bride be there also. (shucks) Needless to say it's a source of debate as we get further into the relationship.

One argument he mentioned was it's important in the process of blending our two families together. Which is a good point, our families live 4500 miles apart and key members may never meet without a wedding. Mind you I see the logistical nightmare of getting a large family on both sides together over all that distance and if they would almost never interact is it all that critical?

If the wedding was free and planned 100% by someone else and all I had to do was show up I'd probably do it (but it wouldn't be the best day of my life) but I still don't see why I should have one. He thinks that totally selfish to neglect the importance of our support network in a marriage.

I know many POFers have been married ... or more life experience... or just a general change of perspective from mine. Is there actual reasons why a wedding is important to a marriage that perhaps I don't see? (perhaps from the family perspective mostly)

We, us, ours not me, or I...
Read the bold words in your post, your answer is there. This is mean, but if you don't change your attitude, he should dump you
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 6:53:51 AM
big fancy weddings usually for young, first time married with no kids whose parents are footing the entire bill...........

be kind of foolish to shell out a bunch of money of your own, then going into a marriage in debt, esp in this economy !!!
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 6:59:23 AM

...our families live 4500 miles apart and key members may never meet without a wedding.


Why does there have to be a wedding in order for family members to meet, no matter how far apart they are? If they never make the effort to visit each other any other time, it's not the bride and groom's responsibility to make sure they meet. If the details of planning a wedding bore you, hire a wedding planner.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 7
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:13:25 AM
I'm a wedding pianist and have worked hundreds of weddings from very simple to very elegant. My dream is to find a devoted husband to share the rest of my life with - much more important than dresses and flowers, etc. Why start off a marriage breaking the bank or going into debt when that one day comes and goes in the blink of an eye? Simple is lovely - cherish your partner and family and friends gathered to share your devotion and commitment. I have seen couples have a formal ceremony on a Friday evening and then have a very casual reception at a park, bringing in an independent caterer to barbeque and grill. There is no right or wrong - it is the couple's day to do what makes them happy. Of course I will tell you leave the ceremony music to a professional- Aunt Tillie and Sister Kate may love to sing in the shower, but in front of a crowd of people they may melt into a puddle, and your nephew in his 2nd year of lessons may only know the big note five finger version of "Here Comes the Bride." CDs are too awkward as only a professional live musician can time it just right.
 xlmagboy
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 8
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:22:21 AM
Since everybody comes from seed. I wonder how close people are if they could trace their geneology all the way back to the days of Christ or farther yet. Perhaps weddings are away to see how close people actually are to each other. Afterall it is a small world.
 Hopeneverdissapoints
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 9
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Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:47:43 AM
There is a running joke among clergy that watching how a couple handles the stress in the days leading up to the wedding is a better indicator of how the marriage will do and the stresses the marriage will feel than any ammount of pre-marriage counseling can.

The "importance" of a wedding is determined by the people involved. Some people are quite comfortable with little to no ceremony. As a Pastor, I can only speak for my theological understanding and tradition that says the crucial thing is not the color of the dress, or how many people you have present, or any of the other things that surround the wedding, but the PUBLIC VOWS the couple makes to each other and the presence (in one form or another) of the CHURCH which prays for the couple and vows to honor and support the couple in their life together. The legal stuff can be done at the courthouse, or in Vegas, or wherever.

You have to work it out with your fiancee and your families what traditions and ceremonies are important. That's all part of the marriage.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 6:10:59 PM
I don't know how important the wedding itself is to a marriage,but, I can say,without any doubt at all, weddings did help with my alcohol intake on the day of.Actually, come to think of it, I missed an awful lot of Mondays after a weekend of a wedding. And here I thought they only lasted a couple of hours in length???

Damn it!!!! I'm confused,,,,,,,again.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:26:36 PM
Is there any place a woman can rent a wedding gown? Guys can rent tux's, so there should be a place where a woman can rent a wedding dress. Why pay a king's ransom for something that's worn once?
 Kings_Knight
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 12
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/5/2012 9:46:42 PM
Tell him you really really really want to ELOPE. Speaking strictly for myself, weddings are pointless expenditures which are put on solely in the hope that publicly 'committing' to each other will be a strong enough form of societal coercion to ensure the 'pair bond' remains stable - the purpose of which stability is to guarantee (insofar as is possible) the issue produced by mating within the aforementioned 'marriage'. It is the ultimate and highest form of 'peer pressure'. Additionally, it does absolutely nothing to ensure the marriage is stable or permanent. If that were the case, there'd be no need for divorce attorneys. Finally, if the two families are 4,500 miles apart geographically, this will be a one-off meeting never to be repeated which is undertaken at great expense to all involved, what with airfare, hotels, taxis, meals, etc. all done for one day's 'participation'. I do hope the two of you have not committed to fronting the expenses for all the attendees. To do so would be to experience freeloading on the grand scale. I see no reason to spend the amount of money the occasion will demand be spent in order to achieve some fictional 'blending' of the two families. Distance will work to keep that from happening. The money spent on this do could be put to far better use were the two of you to have a simple civil ceremony, after which you will have far more bankable cash than it appears you'll have at this time. People can gush all they want about 'love', but money is what gets you past the crunch points. I hope you can persuade him a ceremony of this magnitude is both unnecessary and infeasible.
 WanderingRain
Joined: 3/9/2008
Msg: 13
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Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/6/2012 7:40:24 AM
Not that it'll ever happen to me, but I think blowing thousands of $ in one day isn't a good way to begin married life. I'd rather just buy a new car with it --or a bunch of electronic goods like a laptop, ipad, etc... permanent things.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
Importance of a wedding to a marriage?
Posted: 2/6/2012 10:04:59 AM

A wedding day should be special and should represent the beginning of your life together with the man that you love and want to spend the rest of your life with


If a couple live together first, then get married, their life together has already started before the marriage circus. At that point, marriage is nothing more than getting a piece of paper so that they show up in the government statistics as being slotted in the married category. In most places, if you live with someone for a minimum specified time frame, you're classed as married anyway. It's funny that every bride wants to wear a white wedding gown. The original purpose of wearing white was to tell everyone that the bride is a virgin-white is the color of virginity/purity. It's funny that men never had to wear a specific color to prove they are virgins and pure. The whole traditional marriage ceremony is out-dated.

Just out of curiosity OP, are you going to have a pre-nup? What are your thoughts on that?
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