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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...      Home login  
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 me_to_u1974
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 1
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...Page 1 of 1    
I have been single from my daughters mum since 08 and have my daughter, now 5, living with me, there are reasons which I wont go on to on here.

When I was younger I dated women with children and they said children come first, which I totally agree with , however, since being single and full time dad I have adopted this same approach, but when the tables are turned the girls I have dated seem to disagree.

I would just like a girls perspective on a few questions and advice what to do. Keeping it brief as poss, I have had a few relationships whereas I wont let them meet my daughter until i am sure it will work and trust has kicked in and I have to think for my daughters feelings too, however some dates have not respected this, hence why I am still single.

Dates have asked why I have my daughter and where is the mum, this is the common question, what do I tell them, - bearing in mind the truth sometimes hurts. In general, I also hear women complain about the "dead beat dads" but also when a dad takes the responsibility of being a dad, it goes against us dads as they should be with the mum .

The school were taking the children to the theatre, there were 2 tickets per child, my daughter wanted to go with me and her mum, a new g/f did not respect this wish of my daughter, was I right to go with my daughters feelings and explain this or should I have ignored her. We spilt over this. She did not like me talking to my ex regarding our daughter (i.e. arranging telephone contact between mum and daughter) . This is not the first time a thing like this happened and its happened with other dates too, being told to put them first over my daughter, i am hoping i am just meeting the wrong ones as she comes first....

any tips...
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 2
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 2:54:56 AM
You can always do what I did and stop dating until your kids are grown, over 18 and/ or moved out of the house.... worked well for me. I could focus on my job and role and when I was done, could focus on me. I recently met and married the right guy and have no regrets. Maybe dating just isn't in the cards for you right now, so stop trying and work on balancing your life and your kids right now. Dating can come later.
You will have dating opportunitys at 50, and 60 years old too...
 SmileyWoman1961
Joined: 1/20/2012
Msg: 3
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 3:05:25 AM
Yes, your daughter comes first. She will not be a little girl forever, she will be grown up and gone to live her own life in what will seem like the blink of an eye.

I think you are right in protecting her from meeting new women, you are stopping her from having to deal with loss or rejection of others.

It's not complicated really, any woman that doesn't respect your decisions about your daughter has no right to be around her.

You will have opportunities and you will meet someone else worthy of the love of your little girl and you. In the meantime keep her away from immature girlfriends/dates - she shouldn't need to feel that she has to compete for your attention.

Good luck - and good on you for being the parent!
 me_to_u1974
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 4
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 3:21:42 AM
Thank you :) - I have loads of girls as friends - and thats through sitting in circle

im really family orientated, I suppose it is because my parents are still together and our childhood was very good, I want my daughter to be the same and grow up in a two parent family, but know that is not going to happen, well yet anyway....just looking for the right one
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:18:53 AM
im really family orientated, I suppose it is because my parents are still together and our childhood was very good, I want my daughter to be the same and grow up in a two parent family, but know that is not going to happen


this is not your situation as your child will never grow up in a household with her biological parents ( as you did)... she will have to learn to adjust if you choose to marry or date seriously because you cannot make your daughter the center of your world and also have a new wife.

Best if you just wait till daughter is 16 to 18 before starting to date so you can be a man to your dates, not a daddy looking to fit in with his daughter, under 2 serperate households. 2nd marriages have a very high divorce rate, usually fail due to children and issues with them/ raising and ex's.
You would be wise to do your parenting yourself, then marry when you are done child raising. Save yourself another divorce.
I hope you are not holding out for someone to date who will place your daughter as the center of attention in the relationship because that my friend is not going to happen and rather unrealisitic for you to even think a little it could happen.
 RIPTIDE59
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 6
Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 7:35:53 AM
@msg 6 .............Holycow. You're correct; it's best not to get married or have someone live with you until the kids are older. Maybe 16-18? But stop dating? That's a little extreme. BTW.......my daughter has met some very good role models through my dating.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 7
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:06:52 AM
no winters... I did not want to expose my kids to men I was just dating........
and with all the needs of kids, decided to just postpone the dating all together until I could do it and not fear of repercussions from it.
Worked well for me.

I think anyone who is either cusdodial parent or in a situation of part time parenting where the child lives with you half the time and the child is small or young... best to just do your job and save dating for its time.
You never know when you could meet s0meone who will not be what they seem and why take the chance and expose kids to it?
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 8
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 8:43:58 AM
You know I think you are doing everything right in the decision making department.  You say your daughter is your priority, you make her the priority.  You wait to introduce them until the time is right, you ensure the mother is still involved in her life, you continue to work with the mother to make decisions for her, etc.  None of your examples show poor judgment on your part. 
 
What I’m not sure about is how you are handling the communication and negotiation of these situations…and I get that some aren’t up for negotiation but approaching it that was to come to an understanding is important so she knows she is also important to you.  Also it’s possible it’s more about their insecurities and ego and only they can manage that but perhaps the way you are addressing them with issues is also a factor.  I could be wrong but I’ll give my 2 cents since you asked. 
 
As a person without kids, who has dated people with kids, allowing the other person to make their child a priority isn’t as easy as you think.  The main challenges I faced were that as the gf, I had to be second fiddle to the child at all times…so the child’s moods and requests take priority over your plans and availability to be with the other person which sometimes led to disappointment.  Also children take your partners time, money and attention…all things needed when starting a relationship.  The beginning is the hardest too since you can’t incorporate them into your activities so time is very limited and it can make the gf feel like you are on “your/their” schedule…which as a ego hit it makes the gf feels that she is not important and it’s not a partnership.  Some can’t see far enough in the future to see how things will get better once everyone can be around each other. 
 
I think the key with me is good communication and feeling that I was part of the decision making.  If you just call to let the other person know you are cancelling or changing plans and they have no say, as opposed to calling to tell them what is going on and discuss the options and decide together the reaction will be very different.  Odds are the same decision would be reached if it’s the right one, but you let your gf feel she was part of the process.  For me, I could be making plans for a great romantic night together or looking forward to sharing a certain experience and bam, plans changed.  Very disappointing.   
 
I know another thing that bugged me about one guy was he never seemed to have money to take me out for a date (heck even swiss chalet would be ok) but he could take his child on weekend trips and buy them whatever they wanted.            
 
As for the xmas concert where there were only 2 tickets, did you try to get another one?  I doubt you are the only family that may have more then 2 parents to consider.  Had your gf already met your daughter and thus is now part of her life?  I think if you can make an effort to include her and it didn’t work at least she’ll know you tried to include her. 
 
If you tried these and it didn’t work out then you have to chalk it up to their insecurities and inability to compromise.  You can try patience with them but I know sometimes you just have to let it go.  Perhaps next time talk about the realities and experiences with the next gf so she maybe has a better understanding of what prioritizing your child might look like to her. 
 
2 cents over and out…
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 9
Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/1/2012 9:21:08 AM
I wont let them meet my daughter until i am sure it will work and trust has kicked in and I have to think for my daughters feelings too
I think that is very wise, it is a good approach to get to know the person first before you bring the kid into it.


Dates have asked why I have my daughter and where is the mum, this is the common question, what do I tell them
Whats wong with telling them the truth?


The school were taking the children to the theatre, there were 2 tickets per child, my daughter wanted to go with me and her mum,
Ok I may get disagreement on this one. Your daughter is only 5 so of course she hasnt grasped the concept of her parents arent together anymore. Why cant you say, someday mommy and daddy cant be there together it may just be me or it may just be your mommy.


She did not like me talking to my ex regarding our daughter (i.e. arranging telephone contact between mum and daughter) .
That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard of. You need to communicate with the childs mom, what did you childs mom get herself pregnant?..RED FLAG

Relationships take balance..from both parties.
 me_to_u1974
Joined: 1/22/2012
Msg: 10
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Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/3/2012 6:23:27 AM
My daughter was not a mistake - we were planning kids and were to get married, unfortunately my ex fell ill, i was with her 10 years and did not suspect any mental illness, and she disappeared, just what her own mum had done to her. This is the basics of what happened as i am not going to go into full details on a public forum

I think this last post refers to both sexes as their are unmarried mums with children as well
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 11
Dating with Children - should it be so complicated...
Posted: 2/3/2012 8:13:43 AM
I didnt date until my son had a social life that wasnt dependant on me always being available.

Once you and the ex have a schedule that is working well, no shakeups, changes all the time at last minute...and you are not required to intervene in disputes with the ex etc...THEN try a relationship.

You cannot have it both ways, and say 'my kids come first' and drop all other things...and expect someone to put YOU first. That is not how a relationship works.

We dont 'deserve' it all, we dont 'deserve' second chances. If we get them...it is pure gravy, but to expect it, that is not realistic. Life is not always fair.

So...get a schedule going with the ex that becomes stable. Wait until your child is not always asking for BOTH parents to attend functions...and THEN try and have a serious relationship. Because until this happens, your child really does need you too much for you to split your attention between the child and a new woman in your life.

Expecting a newcomer to come along, put up with always being 2nd place, and have to listen to you deal with ex issues on visitation etc....is not going to net you a quality spouse. Expecting a newcomer to put up with the dangly bits from your past relationship is asking too much.
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