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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.      Home login  
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 wtyl
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 1
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
After doing time on the forums for a few weeks, I decided this week to go 'unhidden' and have gotten quite a few inquiries. Due to being on the forums perhaps I have looked at messages I've been sent with a different eye.

Based on (an admittedly small) sample of people who have written to me this week, I have to say that 45+rs seem to be a LOT more negative than younger guys. And negative right off the bat (on their profile, in their first message, in a follow up still early on getting to know you conversations).

Happily there ARE some notable exceptions but it has just struck me - it's almost self-sabotage.

I mean, I get it - folks get older and maybe have had more baggage but GOSH it's not attractive. I keep reading "I never get a response" forum posts (though those aren't all from 45 or 55 year olds) but I know I'm much less likely to answer someone that has a negative or angry profile, complains about 'the terrible women' on PoF in a first (2nd or 3rd) communication. is just down right nasty/yucky, starts the conversation saying 'I know you won't answer me' or 'I'll look to see if this is deleted/unread later', takes a bullying type posture.

Men, in general, do you find older women are more negative than younger?
 DrummingNut
Joined: 4/26/2010
Msg: 2
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 10:43:06 AM
I think PoF negativity is spread around equally between the ages and the sexes.

I see it in many profiles (I check profiles of all ages/sexes in the forums).

*Almost* want to say that I see it more in the (all ages) female profiles than the male.
Don't this and don't that.. because they've been bothered or burnt on here.
 wtyl
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 3
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 11:01:17 AM
Like I said, a smallish sample (~100 or so maybe) but the older guys who have written me have a much higher percentage of negative messages/profiles than the younger ones who have just seemed to have a better sense of humor, were actually more polite and didn't get nasty if I turned them down.

I just find the negativity as such a turn off/red flag I guess.
 xenolith23
Joined: 12/26/2010
Msg: 4
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Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 11:28:57 AM
I think the OP's theory is logical. As you get older, you inevitably collect more negative experiences, and the temptation to express bitterness or disappointment is hard to ward off. I haven't been collecting any 'data' sets so I can't say if it really is statistically true, but there does seem to be somewhat more negativity in the older men's profiles. I can't say if this is true in the female profiles as I don't read as many. I suspect older women feel every bit as bitter/negative, but I think women might be more 'politic' in hiding it--in other words, they understand better that expressing negativity is a big social turn-off.

Also--this probably will bring out some disagreement!- --'agreeableness' is one of those psychological traits that is higher is married people, and probably lower in older divorced people. Translation: if we were all good at being upbeat, cheery, co-operative, and empathetic toward others, we might not find ourselves divorced or never-married at midlife. : Yeah, some of us are the totally innocent victims of evil former spouses, but a fairly large percentage .... aren't. And that overall personal negativity, grumpiness, or social cluelessness shows up on the profiles.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 5
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 12:12:44 PM
There should be no question that young people are more optimistic than older people.

I kind of like to hear about someone's trial and tribulations, so that part doesn't bother me. But I suspect this overall negativitly afffects women's ability to freely enjoy sex, which does bother me.

If I retire and want or need to date, I will move to another country.
 wtyl
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 6
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 12:34:31 PM

I kind of like to hear about someone's trial and tribulations, so that part doesn't bother me.


I don't mind hearing about someone's experiences, but the general negativity in an initial communication is a turn off (at least to me).

I also have found that some older men seem to be a bit less (gosh what is the word?) subtle (no that isn't it exactly) about sex. It's like a lot of the 'charm' that young guys exhibit (including humor) is just gone. I'm not talking about looks - this is strictly based on words.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 7
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 12:35:58 PM

There should be no question that young people are more optimistic than older people

Yes....how's that song go....".I wish I didn't know now..what I didn't know then"..lol
OP....I am sure the older crowd is more jaded..stubborn...set in their ways!
I'm pretty sure if someone did a poll.....most of them really don't know why they are on here and what some are truly expecting...lol.
I am not trying to meet right now but some of the stories my friends have told lately...leaves me shaking my head.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 8
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 12:36:55 PM
I'm not sure it's proportional to age, but then I don't scout out
profiles of young people.
I do think it's proportional to time and energy spent in fishes.
It's easy to become cynical and jaded in here what with reading
posts, checking out profiles and constantly picking the wrong
people and/or asshats to meet.

After reading my profile, one might come to the conclusion I'm
a cynical, negative biotch, and they might be right.
But I'm only a cynial, negative biotch in here.

In real life I'm actually quite happy and well adjusted.
Unfortunately, 99% of the people I meet in here will never know that.
And that's okei with me.
 Ashburnguy99
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 9
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 12:53:29 PM
Assuming that the average person (male or female, young or old) is on a dating website to actually meet someone that they might like to date, I think you should view your profile as an opportunity to present yourself in an attractive light. Everyone has negative qualities, and everyone is angry about something, but why would someone put those things in their profile? For that matter, why would someone bring it up during their initial communication?

It’s a fact that women (especially interesting, attractive women) get lots of e-mails. One woman told me that she got several hundred e-mails right away when her profile went live. It’s also a fact that women usually only respond if they are interested. That’s ok. Why would a man gripe and complain about that? If a man is confident enough to reach out to a woman, then he should be confident enough not to take it personally if she does not respond. That’s just part of the online dating gig. If men were totally honest with themselves, they would realize that they do the same thing. If a woman reaches out to a man, and the man does not find them physically attractive, or does not find their profile to be interesting or compatible, then he probably won’t respond. Again, that's how the online dating thing works. If someone has a problem with that, then they should try another way to meet people.

Most people find confidence and a positive outlook to be a turn on. On the flip side, most people find negativity and pessimism to be a turn off. We should all learn from that!
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 10
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Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:04:39 PM
I am not certain that the older folks are more negative, I do not check profiles for younger women (except occasionally for forum posters). But I do know there is a lot of negativity in the profiles that I do read when I am looking for a date.

“Do not contact me if” followed by a long list of deal-breakers.

“I’m tired of “ followed by another long list.

I agree with wtyl, the original poster, it is “self-sabotage”. I do some of the same thing here in the forums, but I attempt to keep my profile upbeat, and I try very hard to keep my messages to potential dates as positive as I can.

To the OP: I think part of the reason you’re seeing things like “I know you won’t answer me” is because you are so damn good looking. If you were closer, I would definitely hit you up for a date. I would not expect you to answer, but I also would not shoot myself in the foot by expressing those doubts.
 Ashburnguy99
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 11
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:05:02 PM

I also have found that some older men seem to be a bit less (gosh what is the word?) subtle (no that isn't it exactly) about sex. It's like a lot of the 'charm' that young guys exhibit (including humor) is just gone. I'm not talking about looks - this is strictly based on words.

You seem to be having a hard time expressing exactly what you mean, but I think you may be talking about the witty, edgy, funny, flirtatious communication (phone, chat, text, etc) that takes place between a man and a woman. To me, that's one of the most enjoyable aspects of dating, especially early on. It adds to the sense of excitement, adventure and anticipation of things to come.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 12
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:16:06 PM
browneyesboo, I thought your profile was amusing, the part about heifer made me laugh. I liked the hat you wear, has a certain style, and asshats is a funny way to describe some people you might meet. So I wouldn't say you sound all negative, maybe to pragmatic?

I have met plenty of weird distasteful people IRL, maybe on the interent we just meet them quicker.

I think on a place like PoF, there are many unhappy souls that are very quick attack someones weak points. I had a friend, a nice guy unless you crossed him, he was very good at knowing how to attack someone using their weaknesses. Some of the stories he told made me cringe. But in general, IMO women are more capable of inflicting emotional pain than are men.
 wtyl
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 13
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:19:09 PM
^^^^
Well, I've just been surprised at how GRAPHIC (crude?) the sexual references are from a good number of 50+ year olds and not a single 30-something, even though I think the 30-somethings may have the same goal.

There is a way to be witty, charming, flirtatious without being so crude (IMHO) . You (and I don't mean YOU Ashburnguy99!) don't HAVE to continuously say f**k or be clinical in descriptions of sexual acts for a woman to know what you are talking about.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:21:16 PM
Nope. If anything, in general, I find that all people get more selective as they learn what they like. That can come across as being negative I suppose.

I keep coming back to my recognition of the influence of venue on these observations. I fix stuff for a living, so everyone I meet at work, has a broken machine, and therefore don't tend to think of what ever machine they have, in a positive way.

If I go to a bar to meet people, I expect to find very few who prefer tea, to beer.

I really don't know how the people on a dating site will differ from those who aren't, but I am quite certain they will be different. I have already seen, for example, that although every person I know in "real life" who ever got separated from their spouse, never went back to them, that here in "dating site land," it happens the other way all of the time. Hence my "real life" venue experience isn't of much use here.

Reading in the forums limits who you get to hear from too. As with the machines I fix, happy folks usually don't bother to start forum threads about problems. Even those who respond to threads, tend to be different from what ever the average person on the real world is.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 15
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:27:42 PM

IMO women are more capable of inflicting emotional pain than are men

Careful....this thread will head in the direction of gender bashing.
We all have a story....
My feeling is both sexes while we have aged may have lost that flirtatious attitude and it may have come across as more 'matter of fact or crass' to some...lol.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 16
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:28:01 PM
wtyl I have gotten the feeling that many older men are crude in that way, not sure why that might be. Maybe they can only get their kicks by being crude, and in reality they can 't move around much or can't perform in bed, so they substitute verbal sex for reality. Or maybe they haven't grown up with the internet like so many young people, and all the porn and graphic discussions on forums may affect their way of thinking.

Beats me, I don't need to understand 50+ men, or for that matter 50- men, so I seldom give them any thought.

But what is wrong for you to date 30 year old men? They are more charming, more active, etc, it seems like a win win for you.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 17
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:34:04 PM
whiskyrivers, foolish people may think that was gender basing. I think women understand emotions better than men, and many threads acknowledge women can more easily obtain causal meaningless sex if they so desire, Vs men.

Men can be crude and hurtful, just in a different way.

I think it isn't really just age, but exposure to too many negative people then makes many more negative. Someone that was in a long, loving relationship won't be like that even though they might be the same age as those that we describe as crass.
 Ashburnguy99
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 18
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 1:44:59 PM

There is a way to be witty, charming, flirtatious without being so crude (IMHO) . You (and I don't mean YOU Ashburnguy99!) don't HAVE to continuously say f**k or be clinical in descriptions of sexual acts for a woman to know what you are talking about.

I would hope that if you are on the phone with these men, you hang up immediately, if you are chatting with them online, you disconnect immediately, and if you receive an e-mail, you delete it immediately. If you don't, and you continue the dialogue, then you are only encouraging behavior that you find offensive. Of course if you find it amusing rather than offensive, then that's another matter!
 wtyl
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 19
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 2:35:39 PM
^^^

Oh I get out of the conversation and block. I told someone I've felt the need to block nearly 10% of the people who have contacted me and almost to a person they were 50 or older.

It just strikes me as odd.
 wtyl
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 20
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 2:37:52 PM
a bit further up:


many threads acknowledge women can more easily obtain causal meaningless sex if they so desire, Vs men.


That may be true, but in a cruel twist of fate, I think that fewer women WANT casual meaningless sex. Maybe I'm wrong and/or projecting (as it's not something I want)

I don't mean to start a gender war or anything.
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 21
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 4:08:11 PM
This is my reading of your observations:

First, this is a free site and thus a greater proportion of "el cheapos" likely to inhabit this space. This in turn would lower the level of "classiness" on this site. On top of it, this medium affords anonymity and of course that has an effect that I call the "internet drunkenness" in that people feel uninhibited to say anything they want, and such brazen behavior simply goes unchecked. Probably same explanations apply to "negative" outbursts because the overall population here has experienced plenty of frustrations (this is the other "POF") in navigating through romantic terrains.

So, please keep in mind that your sample population is already skewed towards the "underiables". With all that said, I do feel sorry that you had to wade through 100 emails in one week! Holy cow! We men have very little idea of how some women on here have to suffer through the syndrome of overstuffed email inbox.
 Ashburnguy99
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 22
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 4:23:47 PM

I've felt the need to block nearly 10% of the people who have contacted me


Well that means that 9 out of 10 people who've contacted you have been ok. Those are pretty good odds I think!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 23
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 4:23:56 PM
Men, in general, do you find older women are more negative than younger?

Yes, for starters. I found older women (around 40 and up) just generally more difficult to deal with in every way than younger women, so I didn't bother to contact women my age or date them. I couldn't see any reason to jump through hoops for someone who was 45 when a 35 year old woman would meet without a lot of angst and paranoia. There are exceptions, so I would have considered dating women my age if I crossed paths with one who was exceptional, but I didn't look for them as a general rule.

That may be true, but in a cruel twist of fate, I think that fewer women WANT casual meaningless sex.

It would only be fate if it wasn't a choice on their part.

Maybe I'm wrong and/or projecting (as it's not something I want)

No, you aren't projecting. The attitudes most 40+ women have about sex were just one of those aspects I mentioned above that I didn't find to be a plus, i.e., younger women aren't generally as uptight about sex.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 24
Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 5:52:54 PM
I just haven't found this to be true. I don't find many negative profiles, I look at a lot of profiles that don't have much information in them, two or three sentences at best. As for emails, I've never had any negative or nasty emails from my age group. I get a ton of emails from the 20 to 30 crowd that figure I'd love to bed a young stud, ain't happening. I did have dinner with one fellow that stared at my breasts the whole time but I figured, what the hell, I have nice ones. He wasn't my type so who cares.

I've only met one fellow who on the first meet up headed into the sex conversation about half an hour in. He wasn't going to get date #2 out of me anyway but it was sort of funny and I just added the experience to my list of odd dates.

I like men my own age, I find them witty, charming, intelligent, adventurous, sexy and the majority I have dated were great guys - just we didn't click. No harm, no foul. And any guy I dated for any length of time has remained a friend even though we didn't match up in the relationship department.

I don't want younger, don't need younger - I like who I have met in the 50 to 60 age range. Yes, there are a few duds out there but I will never generalize and say "most" or "the majority" of men my age are negative - I've found the opposite to be true.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 25
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Negativity Proportional to Age? One week's worth of experience.
Posted: 2/2/2012 9:17:50 PM

abelian:
The attitudes most 40+ women have about sex were just one of those aspects I mentioned above that I didn't find to be a plus, i.e., younger women aren't generally as uptight about sex.


Interesting observation. I am dating women in their 50’s and 60’s, so no overlap with the age ranges that abelian is talking about. What I have observed is that the better looking women, the women that men are still pursuing, have much better attitudes about sex. The women who are no longer very attractive tend to be bitter, and have a very bad attitude towards sex. These women tend to brag in their profiles about how attractive they are. The ones who really are attractive never mention how attractive they are.
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