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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious      Home login  
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 risingmist
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 1
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxiousPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
This is something that no one wants to discuss yet in this age group and advancing forward, it is an increasingly prevalent situation. When dating, it is assumed that the parter is fit and operational yet that is not always the case. By the time it is revealed, it is incredibly awkward (to put it mildly). And in the times it has happened to me, the males raged about my dismay, not taking any responsibility about their own bodies nor were they even willing to talk about it! Most people (myself) don't wait until the are deeply in love, before intimacy. Love would be a reason to work with the man, his doctors, etc. to reinstate sexual function.

I think it is terribly unfair to women to be set up for this amazing let down. I have met 5 men over the course of my lifetime who were very aware that they could not function, yet somehow thought I would be able to make the miracle happen. Only one got off the blame couch and got medication that worked like a dreamy charm.

I never intend to go through this humiliation again, yet how can one ask about such a personal thing? And what about the liars? This isn't about being on special meds that make erection impossible, or medical conditions, this is about the natural lessing of testosterone production in many men as they mature. And the men not dealing with it. Denial? Or thinking the "right woman" will make it stand at attention again?
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:00:59 PM
I never intend to go through this humiliation again, yet how can one ask about such a personal thing?

In our generation, many people are beginning to have health issues of various sorts already.
I personally have never had that particular picker problem, but hear some stories from friends that about 10% older people do...
Your best bet is to upgrade your picker picker, to select the active and truly athletic men that go out on very long walks daily, hike mountains on weekends and still can run miles.
IF you can keep up with them, chances are about 99% they can keep UP with you when you provide the proper sensual/emotional warmth context and not just always create a tremendous challenge/hurdle set that you require them to jump...

VVV Maybe she should stock some of the blue pills, bring one out and casually ask her partner if he may need one or not...
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 3
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:04:37 PM
No need to ask directly. Casually mention in conversation that you, or someone you know, had an unpleasant letdown from some fellow who did not mention he had the problem. If he isn't a complete imbicile he'll get the hint and come clean. Be prepared for most guys to offer on the spot to demonstrate their capability. Also consider dating younger men.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 4
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:15:57 PM
When you meet a guy for the first time, you don't have to say a thing. Just reach over and start rubbing his crotch. If he gets a stiffy, you don't have to worry about him having ED.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 5
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:26:09 PM
This reminds me of the guy I was chatting with with told me he didn't have ED, but that he needed at least a 45 minute blow-job to get a hard-on and then I'd have to jump on top real quick because we'd only have a minute! I'm not sure which was funnier -- that he actually thought I'd give him a 45 minute blow job or that I'd consider having sex with him at all.

All funny stories aside, if I'm chatting with a guy for any length of time, and the subject turns to sex, a lot of them have told me they have ED. If they don't offer it, I'm not sure there's a nice way to bring it up.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 6
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 4:47:40 PM
Casually mention in conversation that you, or someone you know, had an unpleasant letdown from some fellow who did not mention he had the problem. If he isn't a complete imbicile he'll get the hint and come clean. Be prepared for most guys to offer on the spot to demonstrate their capability.

I concur. Conversation rolls around to previous POF experiences, sometimes during a first phone call. They mention finding a guy they clicked with and then a month or two later, discovered he was unable – to their disappointment and frustration.

I feel for the guys. I feel for the women. There’s other ways to play but there’s nothing like the deep connection. I tell them I’m grateful for good health. And the conversation moves on.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 7
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 5:09:09 PM

This reminds me of the guy I was chatting with with told me he didn't have ED, but that he needed at least a 45 minute blow-job to get a hard-on and then I'd have to jump on top real quick because we'd only have a minute! I'm not sure which was funnier -- that he actually thought I'd give him a 45 minute blow job or that I'd consider having sex with him at all.



 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 8
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 5:36:14 PM
Hmmmm.... I am sorta speechless. Already FIVE men with ED syndrome? Wow! Too much Starbucks coffee drinking with Seattle men or what??

I am scratching my head as to how you would solve this problem of knowing fersure before you play Adam & Eve with your next partner. Is there a possibility that when you become seriously interested in someone, you begin to explore through non-threatening questions about his medical/prescription drug history. And of course, there are other subtle physical means during "pre-intimate" intimacy encounters to try for you to gauge his ability to "experience" excitement (obvious examples: sexy slow/dirty dancing at a bar with great music after an evening of romantic dinner with drinks; movie at home with a bottle of wine and "playing" on the sofa).

What puzzles me is that I would think that you know of these obvious solutions and wondered why you have not discovered this issue with your men before actually ending up in the bedroom. Care to shed some light?
 hotmerlot
Joined: 11/3/2011
Msg: 9
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 5:49:47 PM
I don't know how to figure this out ahead of time. But if you find out the answer then please let us know!

Poor diet, lack of exercise and heavy drinking can all lead to this.
 Yankee again
Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 10
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 6:00:07 PM
There are clues. Not all follow thru but there are clues.

Poor health, Uncontrolled blood pressure or on Blood pressure meds.Uncontrolled diabetic, or on meds. Heavy drinker.

These are clues along the path.
 Josie52
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 11
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 6:07:19 PM
Sadly for some men this problem can start as young as age 40. As a woman we have the responsibility to ourselves and to the men we are desiring a relationship with to be understanding, yet honest in this situation. Having a open, honest, and frank discussion with a man you feel like "taking the next step" with is a necessity. At this point in our lives we should be mature enough to discuss health issues that can affect any aspect of a relationship. This shouldn't be any different than the person who takes blood pressure meds (which can affect libido!), bad knees, or horrific snoring!
After this discussion if you go forward and discover that his reassurances that everything is functioning perfectly are less than accurate than that gives you insight to this persons true character.
After all, who wants to be involved with anyone who is less than honest about something that is so important? Run like the wind!
 risingmist
Joined: 10/6/2011
Msg: 12
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 6:34:44 PM
Yes, when younger I went dancing often and my friends and I most definately used to measure up our potential partners through the slow dance. Will have to invite my dates onto the dancefloor. I did have occassion to notice the absence of excitement in one man, who brought up the subject himself that day and went to his doc the next. With the others, each situation was different. And there are occassions when functional men can't (too much drinking that night, first time with new person fear, etc.), so you don't want to through the baby out with the bathwater either. Yet when it came down to brass tacks, twas too late. An inexact science.

I have a male friend who has run into the same problem with women. To discover that they are not able to have relations, the latest due to simply having a genetic plumbing issue that causes her intense pain. She didn't announce her inability to him either, nor will she have surgery to correct the issue. So now, he asks questions of new dates, phrasing it along the lines of the state of their libidonal health.

I agree with one writer who stated that mature people can at least try and have a health related discussion. And she is correct about the age issue, my youngest disappointment was only 44. My angst came when he disclosed that this had been a life long issue with him, thus unfair to his would-be lovers to make them/us go through the efforts, etc.
 PureSentiment
Joined: 1/28/2012
Msg: 13
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 7:26:37 PM
I've had it happen a few times.. and its not funny for either of us!
I'm not mad and I'm not upset. I"m worried. Disappointed too, but that is secondary at that point.
First and foremost I want to know they have been checked by a doctor. I don't want someone I care for and am intimate with dying of a cancer that could have been prevented. ED is a pre sign of prostate cancer. So that is the first thing on my mind.

Second.... if its just a temporary or confidence thing it can be overcome. We can work on it!

and lastly... I'm finding men in my age group don't seem to have the oomph or the get up and go any more for the sex. Their libidos seem to decline a lot. So I've gotten accustomed to less is best--> as long as it is their best when we can!!!!

Sex isn't everything, but it is important. Cuddling and intimacy go a long way and sleeping beside my special man every night. That.. is more of a turn on these days. I'd be happy with just that Most of the time.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 14
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 7:50:47 PM
I've found that a few of the men I've met on this site were rather forthcoming with any ED problems they may have right from the beginning of communication. I was rather surprised they were so upfront on the subject but I appreciated their honesty. I wouldn't have turned down a man with ED problems as long as he was willing to see a doctor and address the issue. There are other ways for a man to pleasure a woman if an erection is an impossibility and for her to pleasure him, and as long as they are willing to explore that with each other, then their sex life can be quite fulfilling. But whether male or female, honesty in regards to sexual ability and/or desire should be paramount.
 Landra2
Joined: 6/4/2009
Msg: 15
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 9:12:12 PM
I'd ask him if he's ever had an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
Oh and are you on HRT?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 16
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 9:46:14 PM
By the time it is revealed, it is incredibly awkward (to put it mildly.

Then, find out sooner.

I think it is terribly unfair to women to be set up for this amazing let down.

Lots of things in life are unfair. What if a person is terrinble in bed? What if a person doesn't like XXX and that's a dealbreaker? If it's important to you, make it your business to find out.

I never intend to go through this humiliation again, yet how can one ask about such a personal thing?

The same way anyone else asks anything. Just ask and be prepared to get shut down for asking.

And what about the liars?

I'm quite sure you can figure out how to answer the question definitively.

this is about the natural lessing of testosterone production in many men as they mature.

Anabolic steroids (i.e., testosterone) are politically incorrect for doctors to prescribe. It's not like you going to the doctor and asking for estrogen replacement.

Yes, when younger I went dancing often and my friends and I most definately used to measure up our potential partners through the slow dance. Will have to invite my dates onto the dancefloor.

Unless you're going after teenagers, I think the guys you're interested in are unlikely to get that much of a thrill from slow dancing. I mean, by that age, it's just another slow dance unless the guy hasn't been around a women in a long time.

I'm finding men in my age group don't seem to have the oomph or the get up and go any more for the sex. Their libidos seem to decline a lot.

There's another possibility. If you do anything often enough, it gets boring if it's always the same.
 DrGeek
Joined: 7/20/2009
Msg: 17
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 10:26:41 PM

I have met 5 men over the course of my lifetime who [snip] could not function


You can consider yourself ahead of the game. Men are dealing with this bullshit 24/7 since puberty...that is finding a compatible partner for sexual release. I do think the overwhelming majority of men in North America can commiserate with your plight, considering an estimated 50% of the female population is said to be afflicted with female sexual disorder, and 90%+ of them are just peachy with it. That includes many women in committed relationships. Dr. Laura wouldn't have a career without this problem.

In your case you have the benefit that the men sincerely do care, but it's often their attitude that prevents them from seeking help. In a great many cases, it's just psychological, and because of that I would suggest you try to work with him if he meets your desires in other aspects of life. Tell him that often, all a guy will need is a few sessions of a Viagra type drug with with his chick to get his confidence & all will be fine thereafter. However men are stubborn & usually reject help...so if you have a guy that you really like, push him. If he is THAT stubborn that he won't listen to you & seek help, then you have a picker problem. If he won't tune his pecker, then you need to tune your picker. Stop bringing home stubborn idiots.

Men aren't indestructible & do take wear & tear...even psychological, over the course of a lifetime. All it takes is a smidgeon of adrenaline to be produced in the body, and poof...Woody is gone. There are a lot of reasons to be afraid of you by this age...which is why young men often don't have this problem. Youth is naive.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 18
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/6/2012 10:41:44 PM

Yes, when younger I went dancing often and my friends and I most definately used to measure up our potential partners through the slow dance. Will have to invite my dates onto the dancefloor. I did have occassion to notice the absence of excitement in one man, who brought up the subject himself that day and went to his doc the next.


OMG that made me remember when I was in my 20's there was this guy who was always out dancing in these skin tight pants; he had a wreck one night and they found a banana strapped to the side of his thigh!

I think if I slow danced with a guy and he got excited I would be overly concerned especially if we had just met and not known each other very long...
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 19
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 8:11:20 AM

risingmist: in the original post, msg number 1:

This is something that no one wants to discuss yet in this age group and advancing forward, it is an increasingly prevalent situation.

In another thread, you (the OP) stated:


I exclusively date men at least 10 years down to avoid the expectation from men in my age group


If you’re only dating men 10 years younger than yourself (and your age is 44), then you’re only dating men 34 and younger, correct? So what do you care about ED problems in men over 45?
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 20
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 8:41:03 AM

And in the times it has happened to me, the males raged about my dismay, not taking any responsibility about their own bodies nor were they even willing to talk about it!


Well it could have been your dismay that caused them to rage? It is a very difficult thing for a lot of men to discuss.. Being that I have worked with quite a few of them losing unwanted pounds I could usually tell if function returned.. Often that was the time I saw a huge smile on their face and they told me why.. It was not something most of them discussed before hand. For some of them it does, others that have been in this condition for a number of years did not..

Short of taking drugs you might not be able to restore function and taking these drugs are not advised for those experiencing certain problems.. Not something I would ever want my love one to take period..

You have to understand hope that is what the man is feeling hoping you will be the one to heal him.. That he never has to address it to anyone at all, because it will be like a ship that passed in the night.

If you feel humiliated, just imagine how humiliating it is for him..

nativerock
 abraham05
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 21
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How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 10:25:24 AM
Any guy who states he has not had trouble with ED and is over 55 is an out and out liar.

Just be nice and ask the guy. if says no dump him quick. The little blue pill is a friend of many old farts like me. I don't use them. If a lady likes or loves a guy she will understand if not she is not worth it.

Sex is a big part of a relationship. But, it is only an hour a day. If that is all the sex is to a relationship then get an ugly guy that is over sexed and turn the lights out.....

And that would be shallow....
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 22
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 10:58:02 AM
"Sex is a big part of a relationship. But, it is only an hour a day." Wrong, it's more than an hour a day, it's the whole sensuality and sexuality of a relationship, it's starts with a kiss good morning and all that is between that and a kiss good night. I want honesty in regard to ED issues and I want someone open and honest about getting some sort of treatment whether it be diet, exercise or the little blue pill. It is the WHOLE of the relationship, not just the hour.

And don't disregard that women have issues too with low libido, painful intercourse or just plain old "I could care less about sex". Women can fake it way better than men can. Women should seek treatment if they have an "I don't care" attitude about sex.

A relationship is not based solely on sex but it is a major part of it. BOTH partners should enjoy each other fully and completely.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 23
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 11:05:01 AM
@abraham05

I think you arent understanding that what the women are having trouble with is the men who have health conditions that cause the ED and then refuse to do anything about those conditions in part to include acknowledging they have ED until it's THAT MOMENT!

I have had men write to me and tell me they have ED but they think with me it won't be a problem cause they are turned on by my pics or something...which a pic is only a second froze in time and who can't look great for a second! I just explained I had no desire to be part of their experiment that with the right woman they wouldnt have ED cause then they would imply THEIR ED is OTHER WOMEN fault...and it is no one's fault unless the man is in denial of his health conditions.

Some men can not take the blue pill, it doesnt mean they are less as a man, atleast not to me and I wouldnt turn a man down if he had ED and couldnt take a blue pill if he was working on the reasons (grant some men might never be able to perform but again it does not make them less of a man) It is about finding the person you are sexually compatible with along with all the other elements of a relationship.
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 24
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 11:46:40 AM

THEIR ED is OTHER WOMEN fault...and it is no one's fault unless the man is in denial of his health conditions.


Unfortunately from what I have heard this happens a lot. Heard this also happens with a lot with women that unfortunately cannot conceive.
 jsphn11
Joined: 12/24/2007
Msg: 25
How to approach the subject of ED without being obnoxious
Posted: 2/7/2012 4:25:54 PM

And don't disregard that women have issues too with low libido, painful intercourse or just plain old "I could care less about sex". Women can fake it way better than men can. Women should seek treatment if they have an "I don't care" attitude about sex.

Actually, I don’t think that women with painful intercourse can fake it. That condition requires a lot of treatment as well.
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