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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it      Home login  
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 yupyupyup1111
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 1
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sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with itPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I started dating a guy I have known for 10 years through work about year and 3 months ago. I feel God led me to him as he helped me with issues I was having and I felt like he was the only one who could relate to me becuase he had a similar situation in the past. He is a great guy. Awesome with my son and my coworkers and family loves him. We get along great, work with each other wonderfully and he is so giving and loving. The nicest guy I have dated. He is a keeper and I can see myself with him in the long term if you do not count in sex. I have very little sexual attraction to him and sex with him is a get it over quickly thing and I avoid it at all possible
In the past, I have had relationships with a lot of attraction and satisfying sex. With him no. He does not believe in using toys and always is parinoid of them in relation to his size which is not that great, but I have had small and satisfying so no big deal. He is very closed off to play that would help me get aroused so I just give up. Now we are 38 and 48 - he being older and we both do not want to be alone and again we get along great. Sex is just not that big of a deal for us. Also I have gained some weight so that could be a source of my sex blahs. I do masterbate to porn in secret behind his back 4-5 times per week and that seems to quell urges. Do you think this is wrong? Is it ok to stay with someone becuase you are compatible with everything else but sexually and just help yourself? Maybe I should just accept the fact that I am past my prime sexually and that is ok.
 yupyupyup1111
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 2
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sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 7:01:15 AM
By the way, I am a woman.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 3
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sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 7:06:47 AM
Long as your BOTH really ok with it... then it's ok... but to me from your post. does not sound like your 100 percent pn board with it.
???
You still are interested in sex........... just not with him.

I would not be involved in this situation and keep looking for someone who is like him but that I am also sexually attracted to and enjoy sex with... one who is more open to sexual things... as this guy sounds like a boring and unappealing person to be a lover with.

That you masterbate 4 to 5 x a week without him, says you should keep looking.... I would say to stay with him if you were both asexual... or much older and asexual.
Your situation just ain't right.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 7:29:55 AM
There is a thing called Sex Therapy.

Search it out and sign both you and your guy up.

Living a life of unsatisfying sex will cause difficulties later on down the line.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 7:57:01 AM
to me, what you have is a good friend.......... not a marriage partner or lover.... how sad your short changimg yourself like that and secretly masterbate away your life...
and in your sexual prime. I find it very sad you do not value yourself as deserving more from a relationship.
Your life, your choice.... if you were 75 or 85 years old, I could understsand, but not at your age.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 6
sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 8:27:05 AM
You know this guy through work. If you were to break up with him over this or any other issue, how that affect you at work? Do you want co-workers gossiping about the two of you if there's any tension between you and him? Dating co-workers gets too tricky.

You say you feel God led you to him, but you have no sexual attraction to him and the sex is lousy. I guess God was having an off day. Maybe this guy feels the same way you do: he has no sexual attraction to you, and maybe more so now after you gained weight. I don't understand how you can be with a guy with statements like:
"In the past, I have had relationships with a lot of attraction and satisfying sex. With him no."

On top of that, you're using sex toys to pleasure yourself in place of him. How do you think he would react if he was to find out? And this has been going on for 15 months? It sounds like you can't stand the idea of being alone, so he's there just to fill space. You need to let him go so he can find someone who is actually attracted to him-obviously you're not. And you need to look for someone who you are attracted to from the beginning. What happened to those guys you were having mind blowing sex with who you were attracted to? No matter how hard you try, you can't force someone you're not attracted to, to suddenly become a sexually attractive being. Especially if you're going to compare him with the fantastic sexcapades you've had with other guys.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 7
sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 3:30:35 PM
Sounds like you "need" this guy for issues in your life,
instead of really wanting him.
Sometimes women date and stay with guys who they feel are "good for them"
in some way....without any passion involved.

If you can live without the passion...
a good match.
If you can't....
definitely not a good one.

In this case I think when you work thru whatever issues you need him for....
the need for him will be gone as well.

Just be sure of your deeper motivations.
what you really want long term.
and what you really can endure.

good luck.
 luv2lol
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 8
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sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 5:54:11 PM
For me it would be a deal breaker and has been in the past...but they weren't great in all the other ways you describe so not worth trying to fix. You aren't past your prime, your sex life wasn't good from the beginning so it's not your weight, you are self satisfying 4-5 times a week - he just isn't trying to make it worth your time to take your panties off if he won't be open to the things you like. If the sex isn't good it's hard to get the hormonal connect needed for attraction. Some women need the toys and some men need the help...:) It should be more about making your partner happy and not being so selfish about their ego. I say try to get him to talk to a counsellor to see if he'd open up more so you both can enjoy it.

I've had friends try to settle for less in the bedroom...it never lasts long term and they regretted the time wasted. Wouldn't it better to end it now and try to salvage a friendship then wasting more time being roommates?
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 9
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sexual chemistry - deal breaker or deal with it
Posted: 2/15/2012 7:52:03 PM
Little sexual attraction? There has to be something...anything...
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