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Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 2
Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
My reaction?? Holy crap... she DANCED with a guy! I think you really need to get a grip! I agree it probably wasn't wise to go out and get drunk but again... it was just a DANCE!!!! Jeeeeez.
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 4
Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 3:09:21 AM
OK bud, I still think you're overreacting but if it's an issue you feel THAT strongly about then I think you need to sit down and talk to her and tell her how you feel. Her reaction - and more importantly, her future behavior - will tell you volumes.

I didn't say I'd be thrilled if my SO did such a thing but I think I'd just chalk it up to a foolish mistake made while drunk.
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 12
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 4:49:16 AM
Sorry, I can't lurk on this thread.
Not sure what club YOU hang out in. I'm a DJ in London and I go to clubs in Chicago and Indianapolis and I don't see ANY dry humping going on. (not seeing the dry humping to "Moves Like Jagger" or "DJ got us falling in love again")
Not sure what music is being played but the music I play and I've seen others play, dry humping isn't easy to do to the beat that being played.
I've also been to some Salsa dance clubs in Munich and Morocco.Those can be pretty touchy feeling, but not very invasive.

That being said, you are VERY pissed over your GF going out to a night club. EXTREMELY pissed. And she didn't do herself any favors texting you what she doing while she out. The ONLY reason I can think she did this is someone, somebody saw her out that knows you and she did a pre-emptive strike "coming clean" (but I could be totally wrong).
But, in answer to your question, no it isn't justified. But, in your mind, you are hurt and I don't think ANYTHING we can say will take that hurt away.
Before you go into the, "but what if it were your GF" My ex-wife use to go Salsa dancing twice a week without me for years and it didn't bother me one bit.

Seems like you want a gf that doesn't go to nightclub with their GF or if she does, she has to just sit in her chair and not dance with anyone.

I don't see a bright future for this relationship if you get this wound up 4 months into it
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 16
Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 5:39:39 AM
She's sounds quite immature. If she felt so guilty dancing with a guy and blamed it on:
- being drunk
- you not being there

I think there is more to the story.

I think you do too, which is why you're on the forum.

What did she think she was going to do at a club, sit in a corner?
You go to dance and drink. She should have gone with you then. period

Talk to her and find out the whole truth. And if you don't believe her then move on.
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 19
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 6:59:56 AM
People accusing the OP being controlling are way out of line. He said they discussed this already and established boundaries. Yes if a woman says no I have a boyfriend, it means no, so if a man continues "pursuit" that can be considered harassment/stalking. This is why clubs have bouncers for a reason.

To the OP, don't hold back about discussing this because if it happens again, she may claim you were okay with it the first time...*drumroll* because you didn't voice your concern.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:07:24 AM
Very nice, muting suggestions from mutedenthusiasm. I commend them.

I do want to add a bit of my own run down for you though OP. You are confusing yourself, even lying to yourself here. This is not uncommon, but you have to overcome it if you are to deal with this, or any other such situation well.

Now keep in mind i'm not the jealous type at all.

You repeated that claim more than once, but your entire thread from beginning to end is the sort of thing that would fit perfectly in a book describing jealousness and jealous behavior, and I think you are well capable of recognizing that. In short, you are a very jealous type.

Perhaps this is due to previous negative experiences not mentioned here, it usually is. Perhaps those negative experiences do logically explain your present extreme fears. Nevertheless, you must stop pretending to yourself that you are not jealous, if you actually want to do anything at all to resolve things.

You also contradict yourself in the extreme here:

I'm pretty sure that nothing at all did happen..but i feel hurt and angry and disrespected..

and here, you choose to leave factuality behind, and instead use the sort of self-created, heavily doctored memory that Muted makes allusion to, to try to justify your fury:

"We had a talk about this, and
I'm pretty sure that she told me that she'd never do something like that.
" You are pretty sure that you had a talk where she promised not to dance with strangers while you weren't there. But you are going to run off the cliff emotionally over "pretty sure."

As for your method of proving to yourself that she did horrible disrespectful things, your evidence is nothing that she told you, and nothing that you witnessed first hand at all. Instead, you use your existing very clear prejudicial disrespect for all of the people you have previously witnessed dancing in that club, to make up a fictional account for yourself to rant about here. Again, I am confident that you are capable of recognizing the difference between your assumptions, and of what little actual facts you have to work with. But so far, you have decreed to us here, that you are not willing to discipline yourself to deal in facts, and that you instead want support from us to demand that your friend accept your imagined affronts as the truth.

As long as you continue to choose to delude yourself about both you, and the reality of the world you live in, you will be unable to accomplish anything positive at all in your relationships. This is why some people are already telling you to leave this woman alone.

One thing that you have mentioned that I do quite agree with you on, is that someone who uses their drinking as an excuse for crossing lines of good behavior, is not a good person to associate yourself with. Were I in your situation, though I would not necessarily have any problem whatsoever with the fact that she danced with strangers, the fact that she used drinking as an excuse for why it shouldn't matter would make me tell her that we could be no more than friendly acquaintances. As might be true for you as well, I dealt in my past with women who also claimed that they were not responsible for their actions if they were drinking, and it only took me two such experiences to conclude that no one who refuses to be responsible for themselves at all times, is compatible with me. But I don't get angry and freaked out, as you have portrayed yourself doing here, I calmly recognize that I can't have the sort of trusting relationship with such a woman that I want, and I explain such to her, and part company.

That is what I suggest you to do here. You need to recognize that you are the jealous type. As with other human maladies as that, the correct way to deal with your being the jealous type, is to not place yourself into situations where you will make a mess of things because of it.

Don't try to manage long-distance romantic relationships, until your imagination comes to be under your own control.

Apparently, a distance of 75 kilometers is too much for you. (reference:
But the issue here is that i live here in kitchener and she lives in burlington.
Until you can integrate your emotions and your logical mind to the point where you are dealing with only factual reality, restrict yourself to dating girlfriends who you can see nearly constantly in front of you. Otherwise, this sort of situation will repeat.
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 21
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:10:23 AM
HAVE A TALK WITH HER! Better yet, maybe you should go dancing with her. The best of both worlds!
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 22
Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 7:35:05 AM
Would you rather she had said nothing to you????

Hmmm I'd err more to being thankful for having someone so open and honest?

After all... it's just a dance right?
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 23
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:21:33 AM
Trust is a HUGE problem for people in general, including all those who are saying that you're blowing out of proportion or that your comments are dripping with jealousy/insecurity.

If you've been burned before then you're likely to see similar behaviors in new partners and automatically get suspicious - its called human nature. The difficult part is not becoming a slave to the emotions, so your options (a) talk with her about your feelings and where they stem from (b) don't act on suspicions or treat her differently unless you KNOW something happened that jeopordizes the relationship.

True it may have just been dancing, but dancing can and is many times a personal act - bodies touching/rubbing against each other and when drunk or under the influence one's judegement is NOT to be trusted as safe/good/in their own best interest much less their partner's. Let's not even get started on the "guys friend's intentions"......

You have concerns, they are valid....what will you do?
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 25
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:28:49 AM
"Would you rather she had said nothing to you????

Hmmm I'd err more to being thankful for having someone so open and honest?

After all... it's just a dance right?"

She communicated what she did was wrong driven by guilt to reveal this, but he needs to reciprocate that he is hurt by it.

She may mistake his silence as acceptance, which is not true and will make things worse later if this happens again.
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 27
Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 8:53:30 AM
puppydog I totally disagree with you. If she had respect for him she wouldnt bei in a bar without him nor would she be dancing with any other guy. They agreeed to be exlusive and what she did to me was a mild form of cheating. If i was dating a guy and he went out and danced with another woman like she did I would end the relationship. I dont think that what she did was right, There are poeple who think the same way as me that dancing with someone else is not exceptable. I have dated men before and I would not go out with out them much less dance with another guy, She went to a pick up place why did she even go there.. that would bother me too/ Simce you live far away are you sure she isnt looking for smoene else? I think she may keep you till she finds someone. In anycase be glad she was honest with you.
Joined: 2/15/2012
Msg: 31
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Feeling Hurt....Is This Justified ?
Posted: 2/25/2012 11:00:58 PM
Hi..From a Female point of view.....Most men don't dance like that unless you are at specific types music & clubs. Most men are feeling a little awkward when dancing with girls. I think u should relax a bit. Feel safe that she shared this info with you and teusted u. Give it a day and then when u next see/talk to her, tell her breifly how u feel. Don't make a huge deal but be honest.
Hope that helps some.
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