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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > He doesnt like SEX? really?      Home login  
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 addsomesparkle
Joined: 3/3/2010
Msg: 1
He doesnt like SEX? really?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I am an avid Forum Reader, but very seldom do I post. However...What better place to get answers to questions then in POF forums. So I have a question.. rather an issue, I am hoping that I can gather some insight from different opinions. Then I can mull over said opinions and attempt to have some sort of logical explanation in the end, or not, but at least I feel I am getting some form of venting.

I am in the most amazing relationship with the most amazing guy ever for about 4 years. (almost amazing)

We get along beautifully, he is affectionate, supportive, hard working, caring, and makes me feel special every day. We rarely fight and when we do fight it is always the same thing.. we fight about. SEX

I want sex all the time, he rarely wants sex.

I parade around in sexy outfits, or naked. I send him random sexual texts, drop hints, offer an abundance of bjs. We have discussed this before and when I bring it up he gets very defensive. In some conversations we have had on this topic that I have been able to keep us both calm and not on the defensive, the answers I get are, I just dont think about it, or I just dont feel like it, OMG what.. you are a dude.. seriously?? Dont you do most of your thinking with that thing.

So we compromise that he will at least try to have sex with me once a week, but then 3 weeks goes by and I wait patiently, try to remain calm until boom, I lose my mind because the build up is so freaking intense I end up smoking a pack of cigarettes and staying up all night. (like tonight) One night I started to masturbate in front of him to get his libito started, and he seemed to take offense to that. I have tried asking, just saying honey I am hurting I really need sex, could you just take one for the team and give me 15 minutes of your time, and if you cant finish or you just want to take care of me I am cool with that too, and still nothing.
For the record, I am about 140 lbs 5'5 and by no means a model but appearance not an issue.

Needless to say this all leaves me feeling very "ugly" undesirable and all around really shitty. It is hurtful and the frustration of the situation has put me into silent tears more nights then I can count. It makes it very difficult because I do love him so much, respect him and try to give him the space and time to get into the mood.. but it just happens so rarely.

Gents.. please if you have any answers or suggestions..I would love to hear them
 oknow0602a
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 2
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/1/2012 10:14:47 PM
Move closer to me!
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 3
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/1/2012 10:55:53 PM
It is not uncommon for people to have different sexual drives. But significant differences can be insurmountable obstacles. First, is this the way he has always been with you? (I doubt that is the case as you have been with him for 4 years, but if there was a change, was it dramatic or gradual?) Is there any significant stress going on in his life? Is he depresseed? If it is none of these (or even if some of these are present), he should be checked out by his physician. Thyroid disease, low testosterone, or medications could be the culprit.

This is not a reflection of your attractiveness. If it is not something medical or psychological, then you have to decide if you can live with a reduced amt. of sex. It would be nice if you could find some acceptable middle ground. But you will most likely always be the initiator of your sexual encounters. Yes, "he should be taking one for the team". Although it would be nice if he was more in to it. I definitely think that you should go to couples counseling (if there is no medical reason). Given the fact taht you have had fights about this, it can be difficult to discuss this in a way where he or you might not feel defensive about your positions.

Good luck and I hope it works out for the both of you.
 CountryCowgirl9
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 4
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/1/2012 11:20:23 PM
he's probably getting his fill at the local Y and only dating you for "cover"
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 5
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/1/2012 11:31:21 PM
So he's capable but just doesn't have the sexual desire?
Any medications? Steroid use?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 6
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/1/2012 11:36:28 PM
OP - he is either having sex with another woman, OTHER women...



OR

he has sexual issues...


OR

he is just with you until he finds someone else he is MORE attracted 2 sexually.



its that simple.
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 7
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:27:13 AM
5' 5".........140 pounds..........height weight proportionate if you ask me.

Maybe a little light, assuming that it is distributed nicely.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 8
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:39:46 AM
OP..

Have your boyfriend go to a Doctor, and see if he has low testosterone, or some other internal problem.

Obviously, your libidos don't match. Did they previously?
 HeartOn64
Joined: 2/9/2012
Msg: 9
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:17:40 AM
I just dont think about it, or I just dont feel like it.


He sounds asexual.And I don't know how you can consider this an "awesome relationship" when there's no way this sexual incompatibility doesn't bleed into the rest of your relationship.

Maybe he's gay.Does he watch porn at all?What kind?

If I was you,it would be REALLY hard to not take that crap personally.

Has he been this way for the past 4 years? Was there at least a time that you two went at it like banshee's ever?

What does he expect you to do? Lay around and play with yourself until he NEVER get's in the mood?

I think I would be outta there unless he's willing to admit to the truth of why he isn't into sex and does something to change it!
 softy599
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 10
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 5:34:50 AM
Ask him to see a doctor to rule out anything physical going on.

If all checks out fine, depending on the answers to many of the above questions, you just might have to think about ending it OR dealing with it. If he really is as amazing as you say in all other aspects, perhaps you should just learn to love yourself.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 11
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 5:46:25 AM
Love how automatically the majority of people here jump to the conclusion that he's either gay or cheating. Really people? Really??

I'd suggest he sees his doctor and has his hormone levels checked. Thing is, even if his testosterone is low.. if he doesn't want to change things, if he likes his life the way it is, it won't really change anything between you two.

At that point you have to decide what to do. Stay and adjust accordingly. Leave and find someone more compatible. Or something else. It all depends on what the two of you want and what you both feel is important in your relationship.

Traditionally I have had a higher libido than the majority of my partners. *shrugs*

I can tell you.. hounding someone won't change things. It will usually have the opposite effect that you want.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 12
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 5:59:47 AM
OP, after reading other posters' comments, I feel there is not enough information in your post to give advice other than shooting in the dark...Let's see, posters have covered:

- Medical issues (thyroid disease, low testosterone, medications, etc.)
- Sexual issues (gay, asexual, low libido, sexual anorexia)
- Other woman/other women
- Falling out of desire for you
- Drug abuse (steroids)

Just shooting in the dark, I would add is there:
- Increased alcohol consumption
- Increased job stress/lack of employment
- Children/parent/relatives issues

Have I missed anything? Your post talks about what you have done to attract him to get him to have sex, but without saying what your boyfriend likes/dislikes or any issues he may have.

Just saying....
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 13
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 6:33:45 AM
there has never been a time in my life when I wasnt thinking about where and when my next piece would occur
that being said your guy needs to run not walk to the doctor ..especially if his lack of libido is new found .. this is one of the first symptoms of prostrate cancer and his next symptom very well could be death

im not a doctor but I had an uncle who lost his sex drive but had no other symptoms ..this was a contention between him and his wife for about three years ..his next symptom was nearly three years later and consisted of a sharp pain in the lower back..he then went to doctor ..3 days later we put him in a box and buried him

his doctor said if he had come in when the sex drive left the cure would have been most likely 100% likely.. including a return of his sex drive
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 14
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 7:14:59 AM

I have tried asking, just saying honey I am hurting I really need sex, could you just take one for the team and give me 15 minutes of your time, and if you cant finish or you just want to take care of me I am cool with that too, and still nothing.


If he is not willing to consider your needs at times (no matter if he is gay, asexual, or cheathing) then i'd be rethinking the relationship.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 15
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 8:00:43 AM
I want sex all the time, he rarely wants sex.

You two will never be a good match because of this. I don't think you should take his lack of interest personally, but the difference in your sex drives obviously bothers you and it probably feels like unwanted pressure to him. Why don't you just call it a day and cut each other loose?
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 16
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 8:08:40 AM
Do you know how many men that are married, or were married, that sang that same song to their friends and/or counselor for years and years....only with the reversed issue?

I would say that one of the top reasons for divorce, is lack of sex, lack of sexual stimulation, lack of sexual discussion, did I say, lack of sex????? It amazes me how many couples are out there, where one is craving sex often and the other barely thinks about it. It is as if nature has been cruel to many of us and paired us with a partner that somehow becomes just the opposite of what we are sexually.

The real hard part about most of this, is that our partners were not that way when just starting to date and/or living together. It is like one day one gets up and looks around and becomes asexual, leaving the other wondering what the hell they did wrong.

So OP, time to take that man of yours to the doctor and find out if his blood flow is good, and/or some medical condition is causing this, and if not, you will have to consider what many of us had to decide upon.......move on to someone that will please you in and out of bed, or be satisfied with what you currently have.

cd.........
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 17
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 8:51:23 AM
I agree he probably has low testosterone levels or some other medical issue. Just remember if you like him the way he is mentally increasing his testosterone will change him and sometimes not for the better.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 18
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 8:53:02 AM
could be he has a low sex drive,he could have issues
but it could also be you, maybe,you are not a very good lover,
wanting sex all the time sounds great
but if you are just not interesting, he could be bored out of his mind
 CinnamonGirl769
Joined: 2/21/2012
Msg: 19
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 9:17:40 AM
The bottom line is:
If you two have come to find major differences in sexual desires, and this has been discussed time and time again AND he is unwilling to do something about it: You need to figure out if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Staying with someone for all the other reasons you say are wonderful but yet feel unsatisfied in an area that IS so important to you will only build and build into resentments and that is not fair to either of you.
Start having the 'are you willing to do something about it to figure out the WHY'S discussion and go from there.
You can then start the process of figuring out what is really important and needed for you in a relationship and make the decisions you need to make for yourself.


Carpe Diem!
 Devilsfan58
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 20
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 10:01:24 AM
1) Does he smoke? I would have a real hard time now...with that alone. I swear that is the most disgusting habit I have ever faced or endured. It's everywhere the smell and the taste. Lick a Nipple it's there. In the hair, on the breath.... Depending on what type of person you are dealing with....that is a lot to ask and I'm certainly no clean freak.
2) Has he or does he worry about you getting pregnant and him having to fork over a boatload of money for the next...18-25 years? While a BJ will prevent that, intercourse may leave him anxious.
3) Was he ever a victim or taken advantage of sexually? While most casually blow it off as it was a boy and he liked it....A lot really have deep grudges and bad feelings.
4) According to an Oprah Show a few years back if your not having sexual relationships 5-7 times a week, the relationship is not going to survive. I think they were right...but I don't have to worry about the repercussions for quite awhile either.
 raxarsr
Joined: 7/10/2008
Msg: 21
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 11:15:27 AM
does he smoke?....is he diabetic?...........if hes both.......it could explain it........also........meds could cause it.........espically certian combinations..............i went thru it once........i got hurt at work.......was on a combination of vioxx and[?]....something else.......found out later..that that particular combination not only takes away much of a guys ability......it also takes away the desire

i agree with a lot of others here.........it sounds like he might have a medical prob......shoot.....even blood pressure meds effect some guys like that........

and as far as him not seeming to be concerned?...........might be embaressment.........seriously......what guy wants to admit he cant perform?..............like 95% of us guys......he might just be ignoreing it and hopeing it goes away
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 22
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 11:26:10 AM

Gents.. please if you have any answers or suggestions..I would love to hear them

Does anything turn him on, like other women or porn or sex that doesn't necessarily involve you? If not, perhaps he should see if he has a medical problem that could be addressed mediclly. If yes, then perhaps he's bored with your sex life. Walking around in slinky clotyhes and offering bj's, whatever is not going to change that. If he's bored, then the only way he won't be bored is to do something different that he may fantasize about. I had a girlfriend I lived with for 6 years who was really really attractive, but she just wasn't very exciting in bed. She liked sex, but she had no imagination or sensuality bout her that made sex all that interesting after a while. Being willing to do whatever I wanted was a turnoff, actually. What I wanted was for her to tell me what she wanted and that it be interesting because it was something different.

First you need to figure out if he's just asexual or if it has more to do with the sex itself.
 addsomesparkle
Joined: 3/3/2010
Msg: 23
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 11:31:07 AM
Wow, thanks. Some fantastic answers and a lot to think about! I am concerned about medical issues brought forth and will definitely approach him on the subject.

I really do not think he is gay, or cheating but I am not 100% sure, I mean who is right?

And yes there are many factors that can contribute to his "condition" , for lack of better words.
We use to have a very healthy active sex life, it was never 7 days a week as I always wished but I was happy to settle on 2 or 3x a week at best. It has gradually declined to the point it is almost non existent. We use to role play quite often and dabbled in the BDSM scene for a bit, nothing to serious, just some bondage and a few floggers. We learned so much from one another, limitations, TRUST, everything about each of our bodies. Good times. Sometimes he still likes to have a "sesson" but it happens so rarely and I get so excited I cant even think straight. We have learned he is definitely more Dominant and likes to initiate and really is turned off when I do, so that makes it helluva hard to get things started.

I do not hound him, when I am having one of my pouty, cant sleep cause I need sex so bad I'm gonna die nights.. I just get up, clean the house, read forums and stay far away from him so I don't start an argument. He works early in the morning and he works long hours so I respect his need for a good nights rest.

Leaving is an option.. I have thought about it..but wow I love that guy and its just not that easy.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 24
He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 12:36:32 PM
He feels used !! It makes him feel like you only want his body. That is all women ever think about is sex. Their is more to a man than just sex all the time. Can't you just appreciate his brains, for gosh sakes, lady, give this guy a rest already. He works all day and comes home and cooks and cleans and sex is the last thing on his mind. He is tired.
 NicolaSeven
Joined: 5/21/2009
Msg: 25
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He doesnt like SEX? really?
Posted: 3/2/2012 1:58:32 PM

I would just flat out ask him "what's up"? And can we "fix" this? If not....might be time to move on.


Me too.. investigate any 'fixes', decide if there are over-riding compatibilities.. and stay or go.. whichever is more important to you..

Did I read you have been together for 4 years? If I did, I think you're blowing in the wind.. you must know if you can live with this or not.. maybe by the fact you're posting here there's an indication you're not happy.. so live with it or get out of it
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