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 GASailor
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 1
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What to do about a surplus?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
When I first started this online dating thing I asked about the ethics of juggling more than one conversation at the same time and was advised to keep juggling because I would probably only get one date out of 3 or 4 attempts.

Well, I have had several very successful dates with three very nice, intelligent and attractive women and all three are pushing for more. I am afraid that if I don't take some action soon I am going to find myself in deep doodoo. For reference, none have progressed further than some moderate petting. Evidently they found me to be a very good kisser but I don't want it to progress further until I get this sorted out.

How do you break off a thus far very successful relationship without feeling like an A Hole?
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 3
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:45:22 PM
I agree with ChrisDan. Very well put.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 4
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:49:01 PM
The only thing you can do is be honest. You are only responsible for your own behaviour not someone's actions or reactions.

As long as you have not lead any of these women on, I don't see why there should be a problem.

Maybe you will luck out and the two you wanted to drop will have done the same thing and want to drop you. If only life were that easy.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 5
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 2:54:11 PM
You seem like a very nice man.
Hence these 3 ladies are enjoying your company and all want more.
I do not blame them.

No matter what you say or do someone will feel hurt.

All I ask is that you tell them in person, not via email or text.
Please also do not just dissapear.
 GASailor
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 6
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:09:14 PM
Well, this is not going to be easy. They are all very nice ladies. Far better than anything I expected to find here. Sure hope I pick right. And yes, I could not do it any other way than face to face.
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 7
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:21:33 PM
I would proceed on the principle that three heads are better than one and introduce the ladies to each other as soon as possible.

They may find that some of them prefer to go on dating other men, or that one of them is the most suitable match for yourself, or that they'd each in turn like to offer you a probationary trial period. At any rate, they’re probably more capable of deciding these things as a committee than you are as a lone individual.

Let them sort it out and get back to you with their decision.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 8
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:24:14 PM
How do ya do it OP???? I can't even remember what day it is half the time. Now, seriously, I can/could only date one at a time,just because of what you are going thru. Good luck, and don't forget to duck!!!!!
 SnowMoon2012
Joined: 1/21/2012
Msg: 9
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:27:14 PM
one for Monday ,Wednesday, Friday
one for Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday
cut one lose...
 GASailor
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 10
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:31:27 PM
That's true. How about this: I let them all know that I am new to this and still "playing the field" and let them decide if they want to continue. (They do still use that term don't they.)

And Bill, the ratio is at least 20 to one in my age group. My Like to Meet page is full of very ample, Bible thumping, conservative farm widows. But for a liberal, non religious guy looking for intelligent companionship south Georgia is a desert with only a few oasis.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 11
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 3:33:42 PM

How do you break off a thus far very successful relationship without feeling like an A Hole?

if you've adhered to your standards of honorable behavior, you have nothing to feel bad about.

we all take the same risk when we enter the dating arena - that someone we want to continue with won't want to to continue with us. men and women alike. if these women have their hearts and heads in order, they'll know they've signed on for that. and they won't be so invested in you that any disappointment will be more than brief.

you don't need to explain anything. in fact, it's better for her if you don't. 'i'm sorry, but don't see us as a match. good luck in your search.'
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 13
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 4:19:12 PM
Hey GA, you are going to have to pick just one it seems, unless you an figure out how to keep dating them all !!!



if you want to break off all but one.. your going to have to muster up all your
good man traits and directly tell them that yu are very sorry but are going to have to back off.
Some of the women may get very angry.......... nothing you can do about that, keep it short and sweet.

ps, In the future, date one at a time... ! ... pick one, see if it works, either go with it, or let it go and progess to the next.
Your way is not the way unless your a player and you will end up with some mad women.
<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_12.gif border=


and OH god, do NOT tell them you ahve been playing the field ! WRONG choice of words !~!! trust me!
tell them you met a few others and have decided one of them is best for you and will ahve to stop seeing the other.
do not tell them yu have been playing the field, you just met a another and its working out, you want to explore a relationship with that one
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 14
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 4:24:43 PM
Landra2 is right.....you are just dating, so even though a couple women are going to be disappointed, I don't think you are doing anything to feel like an a$$hole about....yet.

If you were having sex with all three it would be a different story.

I have ever only "dated" one at a time. A lot less complicated. I like less complicated.

Oh.....and I have to tell you.........you ROCK GASailor!!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 15
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 5:51:44 PM
You know what I found? When I am meeting or talking to more than one (and that's rare since it's hard enough to find one I like at at time, let alone more), the ones who aren't right will naturally weed themselves out. If you wait long enough, since they are usually also talking to or meeting more than one, and will at some point choose someone else.

The only time it kind of sucks is when they all choose someone else, but hey that's what happens sometimes. The cycle repeats.
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 16
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 6:09:34 PM
Invite them all 3 to dinner and pass out straws.

It's an option
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 17
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 6:39:11 PM
What's a surplus? I'm operating in a deficit!
 kmxplore51
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 18
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 6:49:31 PM
First, congratulations being the exception that proves the rule on POF (I mean the proverbial rule on POF forums that no one can find a suitable date here!).

The fact that you have not naturally progressed to a selection perhaps suggests that you are not ready to do that yet? If so, like you stated later on, why not continue with all three but letting them know you are dating others. If one of them discontinues dating you as a result and you end up missing her more, you can always reach out to her again... no?

Hey, you could have a bigger dilemma selecting if all three of them are also equally willing to go on for a 6 month sailing trip with you! What a sweet problem to have, huh?
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 19
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 6:58:16 PM
{quote] "Playing the field" without sex does not make you a "player".

So playing the field with sex DOES make you a player?

IMO a "Player" is someone who uses false pretenses (lies) in order to get something they want from another person.

So if you told ALL of the people you were sleeping with, that you were sleeping with multiple partners. You would not be a player.

You also could be deemed a player if you lied in order to gain something other than sex from another person.

It's not always about Sex. Although sometimes it seems that way.
 Jayne0927
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 20
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 7:21:57 PM
I mean no disrespect, yet how can you say you "hope you pick the right one"? Don't you have some inkling as to which woman you feel closest to and not cloud your judgment by other things. I have found that a relationship based on total honesty and communication is the one that will last the longest.

Good luck.
 Kathynaturally
Joined: 11/15/2008
Msg: 21
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/2/2012 11:21:18 PM
I agree with many of you. We are now at the age where we want to find the "right person who is right for me and for who I have become today". It is a lot more intricate than those early teen years when one was a complete blank. The research does not present itself on the first date though probably and hopefully by the 5th date depending on honesty. Isn't dating a time to get to know each other? Why not have fun learning and enjoy the companionship.

Yes, sexuality has a lot of issues given STDs, respect of another's sensitivities ..Yes,we are all sensitive human organisms, that is one of my by-lines. "Hops in the sack" are not that fulfilling today once I had experienced true love's passion. Finding that again takes time.

I would expect someone in the initial, first dating stage with me to still be seeing other women. By the 5th date, if there is a 5th date, then it's probably time to be honest with each other where expectations are.
 GASailor
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 22
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/3/2012 1:08:40 AM
I believe you have all helped clear my mind on this. I have been out of circulation for almost 30 years and didn't realize how fast these things are happening today. I find it impossible to know enough about someone after only 2 or 3 dates to decide so I will just tell everyone what is happening and let them decide if they want to keep dating me.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 23
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/3/2012 3:07:38 AM
Do any of them like sailing?
Considering you are building a boat and your dreams that could be a deciding factor.

I have certainly learned that what people say about sailing and the reality can be very different.



 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 25
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/3/2012 12:25:12 PM
I feel yer pain sailor! lol

Vett and prioritize... let the rest sort itself out, two of the three will probably blow the crazy fuse before much longer.

 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 26
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/3/2012 12:49:11 PM
Just keep on doing whatever it is you're doing and SHE will make it easy for you to make a decision because it won't feel right after a while to be with anyone else but her.
And if sex is important to you, you are going to have to put that in the equation and see if you are going to be satisfied that way too. It is NOT being a player to find this out.
Because when all else is equal...sex can be the deciding factor, that and Sailing;) of course!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 27
What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/3/2012 5:05:52 PM
Come on, dude, you were hedging your bets, keeping women in reserve in case it didn't work out with the first or second one.

You should have been upfront since the beginning, telling each woman that you were seeing others--I bet you didn't do that, eh?

You don't have any successful relationships: you have three women whom you have allowed each to think that she was the "one."

Wise old cliche: You made your bed, now lie in it.
 GASailor
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 28
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What to do about a surplus?
Posted: 3/3/2012 5:51:56 PM
Well, it was a matter of timing. I met #1 on and we had a couple of very good dates then she dropped out of site for a month. I didn't find any more prospects on OKC so I came over to POF and hit it off with #2 almost immediately. Then #1 reappears. I told here about #2 and she was cool with that. #3 then comes along and I told her about the others and she is fine with that too. So now the only one who is completely in the dark is #2 and I have a date with her this week so it is time to tell her.

To complicate things #1 and #3 are 100 miles away and #2 is 150 miles away and I think it would be best to talk about it face to face rather than email.

I am trying to do the right thing by everyone but the only option I see right now is to get everybody on the same page and just let whatever happens happen.
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