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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?      Home login  
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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 1
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
My ex’s best friend had an abortion when she was 17. She’s on her second marriage now. I recall my ex (before she was an ex) asked her if she told her then boyfriend about the abortion. She hasn’t told anyone-not the first or second husband or any guys she dated in between. She has a son and daughter from the first marriage.

For the guys: If you were dating a woman who had an abortion, would you want or care to know?
For the women: Would you tell a guy with potential long term about an abortion if you had one?

As I see it, there are two sides of the argument. The one side is whatever happened in the past before you met a partner is left in the past and no need to disclose past history. The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.
 dp300
Joined: 2/19/2012
Msg: 3
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 3:12:58 PM
For the guys: If you were dating a woman who had an abortion, would you want or care to know?


I wouldn't care either way. It wouldn't change my opinion regardless, so if they felt like sharing it I wouldn't mind. People shouldn't get so hung up on the past, and stay focused on the present and the future. Same thing with everyone wanting to know the other persons number of partners. Why would you want to know that? What the hell does it prove? If they are clean and tested who gives a damn.


As I see it, there are two sides of the argument. The one side is whatever happened in the past before you met a partner is left in the past and no need to disclose past history.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.


The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.


In my opinion Nobody has a right to know everything about you. Your partner is not a possession that you have some rights over. If they don't want to tell you something about the past then you should respect that.

The only time you would have a "right" to know is if you were the father of that unborn child.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 4
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 3:40:28 PM
I think it would be a tricky situation and could cause tension if a woman really likes a guy and is hoping to have a future with him, but either the guy is a member or the rest of his family are members of a church that preaches abortion is murder. So concealing what happened would be viewed like concealing a murder.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 5
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:05:41 PM
I would not feel I have to tell him.


<div class="quote">The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.

I wouldn't assume that the experience was traumatic. They might be thinking it was a life saver for them.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 6
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 4:06:05 PM
Choosing to have an abortion is the decision of the people involved and nothing to do with anyone else.

I have not had an abortion but a friend of mine did and it was not a a decision she took lightly and even now, 30 years later, she says she sometimes wonders about who that child would have turned out to be.

Unless there is some reason to disclose this information from the past which affects the future, I don't think anyone else needs to know. Nobody gives full disclosure about every event in their past and that would be an unrealistic expectation from another.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 7
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 5:38:48 PM
Why do you feel someone has the right to know about previous traumatic experiences from the past?

I would think that the only entitlement they would have to that information is if it currently impacted their relationship.

Based on what you have said, I can't for the life of me see how her telling any men that come into her life she had an abortion when she was a teenager being any benefit. Based on certain age groups, some unwed teen mothers were forced to have abortions by their parents. I even have a friend who says that if her daughter has a teen pregnancy, she will make her have an abortion.
 mistersomeoneelse
Joined: 9/2/2010
Msg: 8
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 5:56:59 PM
I think I would want to know, if only to understand what was happening with her emotionally. That being said, I think a lot of it would hinge on their reasons for having an abortion in the first place.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 9
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/3/2012 10:45:21 PM
I don't think most guys would care much, or think it was something important for them to know.

Thats not true, Lots of men care?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 6:15:28 AM
I disagree with the idea that " the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past." I am very cagey about declaring that one individuals rights supersede another's by rote.

I would instead suggest, that it would be a logical move, for the one with the traumatic experience, to let the one know, who they most want to understand and care for them. It's a practical consideration, not a moral one. It is bound to cause one's behavior to be different from someone who has not had the experience, and it is bound to affect how they decide things in their life.

If their partner doesn't know the real reason for the difference, they will repeatedly misunderstand the other, and that will eat away at the relationship, either causing it to end for the wrong reasons, or to be crippled throughout it's duration by the hidden information.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 8:47:09 AM
It seems like the consensus is a woman shouldn't tell a partner about an abortion if it happened before they met. Is that the same feeling with any other obstacles that occurred in the past before meeting a partner, such as previous drug or alcohol addiction, got in trouble with the law, a major illness that's not an issue now, etc.?


 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 12
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 8:55:54 AM
Seriously dude you are comparing apples to oranges.

In your OP, you said the chick was 17 at the time of the abortion. Let's assume she is now your age 57. That was 40 freaking years ago. What bearing on the present would an event 40 years ago have be it cancer, DUI's, or substance abuse?

Unless someone is specifically asked about something and they lie, not telling something personal that they may not have come to terms with or are embarrassed by are meaningless.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 10:55:47 AM
My opinion is the same, regardless of what is being left undisclosed and in the past. If it affects who you are in the present, by keeping quiet about it, you limit how well your partner understands you.

Some things will make a difference, and some things wont. It depends as well upon the other person, what they expect, how much they've been through, and so on. There are people who can know every sordid detail about you, and you might have a lot of sordid details to be known, and they will care for you all the more for it. Others will be unable or unwilling to accept whatever is in your past.

I would NOT suggest that someone make it a policy to disclose masses of past history at the beginning of a relationship, as a policy, to try to head off concerns. Rather, be ready to discuss things as they become important. Thus, if you had an abortion in the past, and it has nothing at all to do with your present life, it needn't be discussed. However, if your new partner lets it be known, for example, that they despise anyone who would have an abortion, then it would now be very significant to the present relationship.

If you have a criminal record, that would have an ongoing effect on all financial concerns. Insurance companies and loan companies will change how they deal with you and what they charge, and that will again have an effect on any present day relationships you have, such that your partner would need to know and accept the effect it would also have thereby on their lives.

And so on. Use rational good judgment, taking into consideration how you would fell of equally important data were withheld from you.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 14
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 11:02:24 AM
I would say yes
it is a really big thing to a lot of people
and generally the truth always comes out sooner or later...
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 15
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 12:24:02 PM
The other side is the partner should have the right to know about any previous traumatic experiences from the past.


That is her personal business & no one else's. Why would she want to relive the experience by re-telling it to every person she has a relationship with? No partner has "the right" to know. It's none of his business & she is not under any obligation to confess this to him or anyone else.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 16
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/4/2012 8:20:29 PM
A guy is welcome to ask the object of his intentions how she feels about it before sleeping with her if he wants to assure it wouldn't happen to his child. To sleep first/ask questions/pass judgenent later is lame!
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 17
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/5/2012 1:44:59 PM

For the guys: If you were dating a woman who had an abortion, would you want or care to know?


Yes.


She hasn’t told anyone-not the first or second husband or any guys she dated in between.


If no one else knows about it, except the doctor (patient confidentiality), then her secret would be safe. But if someone who could conceivably tell, knows about it, the secret could be disclosed accidentally, or even on purpose, and possibly cause problems in a given relationship, depending on how the other party feels about it.

 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 18
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/5/2012 2:11:15 PM
For those women who feel it's none of the guy's business to know, let's reverse the situation. Let's say a guy has a child, but the child died for whatever reason. Then you meet the guy. Would you consider it none of your business to know that? Or if this guy got another woman pregnant before meeting you and the pregnant girlfriend had an abortion. Or if this happened multiple times-let's say the guy got ten women pregnant and they all had abortions. How many women would still feel it's none of their business to know any of this while dating a guy?
 PutYouOnBlast
Joined: 1/18/2012
Msg: 19
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/5/2012 3:40:21 PM

For those women who feel it's none of the guy's business to know, let's reverse the situation. Let's say a guy has a child, but the child died for whatever reason. Then you meet the guy. Would you consider it none of your business to know that? Or if this guy got another woman pregnant before meeting you and the pregnant girlfriend had an abortion. Or if this happened multiple times-let's say the guy got ten women pregnant and they all had abortions. How many women would still feel it's none of their business to know any of this while dating a guy?


It still wouldn't be anyone's business. Abortions an ex of the person a woman has dated is his ex's business, and has no bearing on me. If he feels a need to unload, great. I would be understanding of the fact that it affected him. However, if he chose to keep it a secret, then great again.

People chose to end pregnancies for reasons personal to them. Just like it is a woman's right to chose what she wants to do with her body, it is also her choice to keep that a secret. None of what you posted above still doesn't change the responses from your OP.

I vote that it is still none of my business, again, because it will not make my life better knowing any of that.
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 20
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 6:11:51 AM
There is no reason for her to tell any future partners. It's between her and the guy that knocked her up end of story. As far as guys having a child that dies...Cmon that's an actual child not an aborted fetus. None of your arguments make sense at all. You are comparing one extreme to another and neither are remotely similar. Unless the abortion has left her in an unstable mental state or she has a breakdown on the anniversary every year there isn't a reason to bring it up.
 WinterIsComing80
Joined: 11/21/2011
Msg: 21
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 7:30:05 AM
Does the fact that she had an abortion at a young age mean she will have another later in life? No it does not. If I were a woman and got knocked up as a teenager I'd probably do the same thing depending on the circumstances.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 22
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 8:06:29 AM
I say then...if you have the belief that abortion equals murder...and you would not want to be involved with a woman if she did in fact have an abortion in her past-then ask these questions early on before attachents arise. Doesnt mean you will always get a truthful answer...but never assume someone shares your ethics/morals-ask!

I have not had an abortion...but I do believe that it is persoanl information that should be shared willingly, when people feel safe to do so.

On the other hand...I do believe that if a woman had one and she knows she is dating a man who feels very strongly about it, she should either tell him so he can choose if he accepts it, or bow out herself. I would never advocate lying or just not telling a man who has strong feelings about the procedure. The truth always comes out in the end, so just deal with it head on and let the chips fall where they may.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/6/2012 10:42:12 AM
What I find curious is some of the responses who are almost militant about keeping it a secret and who keep professing that it's none of the guy's business.

I can see if it's a guy you're causally dating and not wanting to be a open book about everything that happened in your life. But if you're in a relationship/marriage, it would make me wonder what other topics and life experiences are off limits to discuss with a partner. That would raise red flags to me. If I'm in a relationship, I don't have any "don't ask me" topics. I will discuss any topic, issue, life experiences, any phase of my life-from early childhood to present. I have never told a partner "it's none of your business". I have nothing to hide. I would expect the same from a partner I'm with. If I was in a relationship with someone who kept this a secret and I found out later and she used the "it's none of your business" route, that would be the beginning of the end. I would be constantly wondering what else is being kept a secret, which means the trust is gone in the relationship.
 runningout
Joined: 8/19/2008
Msg: 24
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Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/7/2012 4:08:47 PM
No sense changing the theme in the middle of the thread. When you started this thread, what I got out of reading your OP was that the abortionist in question does not tell men she had an abortion like 40+ years ago. No where did it say that she was ASKED and then lied about it. Huge difference.

I don't divulge everything that has happened in my life with men I date. I was almost raped 29 years ago. I have come to terms with what happened, and it is no longer an issue. So really what would a man gain by me telling him this.
 nikkisenko
Joined: 9/5/2011
Msg: 25
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/7/2012 5:57:35 PM
I have never had an abortion, but I know a couple of people close to me who have. I don't believe a significant other has the "right" to know.

How an abortion impacts the women varies greatly from person to person. Each will process whatever feelings they may or may not have about it in their own way. Some may carry feelings for a long time. Therein lies the issue - it is a very personal issue and no one is "owed" information about personal issues.

The effects can still linger, especially if the woman has unresolved feelings about it. But, either way, the experience is a part of who that woman is today.

If I had ever had an abortion, I would hope I would feel close enough to anyone I felt was a long-term partner to "want" to share this information with them. Because, it would be a part of the experience that created me and I want to share that.
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 26
Should A Woman Who Had an Abortion Tell Mate?
Posted: 3/23/2012 11:40:03 PM
absolutely not. It's none of his business. actually, the past on either side is none of the other person's business. there are no 'shoulds' about it. I would never be with someone who made me fear the past coming out should the subject come up. and I wouldn't let that possibility coerce me into divulging information either.
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