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 frienddoug
Joined: 2/17/2012
Msg: 1
without warningPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I have a generic query that needs an answer because I'm hearing of this more and more from friends, and friends of friends, and strangers—which is decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them. Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.

It's bad enough that these men are hurt and confused emotionally but it's also financially as well; and these women have absolutely no remorse for what they've done.

How can these women justify their actions? Were they hurt by a man/men in their past and feel righteous in the same thing to another human being? Well, two wrongs do not make a right!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 2
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:00:27 PM

decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them.



women are supposed to do this for the man they love, even if he doesn't love them....


when men do it - it confuses MOST women...


kinda goes against the natural order of things...


many/most seem to would view this kinda man as being weak....feminine...
 Sussieee
Joined: 2/28/2012
Msg: 3
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:02:26 PM
We've all been there. Weather or not is has to do with the woman/man before you is always the question.
But at the end of the day the other person walked away because they weren't getting what they "needed." Sadly, some people never really know what they want or need.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 4
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:07:42 PM

I have a generic query that needs an answer because I'm hearing of this more and more from friends, and friends of friends, and strangers—which is decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them. Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.

It's bad enough that these men are hurt and confused emotionally but it's also financially as well; and these women have absolutely no remorse for what they've done.

How can these women justify their actions? Were they hurt by a man/men in their past and feel righteous in the same thing to another human being? Well, two wrongs do not make a right!


Couldnt tell you...if I break it off with someone, I give plenty of warning that I am not happy. No one is ever surprised...although they will go around and tell anyone who will listen that I just decided one day I didnt want to be with them. For no reason. The hours of talking about the issues, hours of him seeing me in tears...all those memories seem to go right out the window when he is retelling the tale of our demise. Funny how that works...eh?

Bottom line is, you are only hearing one side of these stories. I can guarantee...no one leaves a 'good thing' for no reason. These men you spoke to...either they are not willing to admit thier relationship had issues...or they really didnt see the issues..either way, not a good sign. Anyone who can walk away from a relationship and honestly think they did NOTHING to contribute to its demise is delusional. It takes 2.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 5
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:10:34 PM
There is always a warning sign, a signal, a big clue, a red flag etc. walking around with your head in the sand does not help.
Unless a person gets abducted by aliens you usually tell when they want to leave.
 Chrisdan57
Joined: 1/31/2012
Msg: 6
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:11:42 PM

Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.


There are warnings. There are reasons. Some people just arent perceptive enough to see the signs and intelligent enough to understand the reasons.
 Interception
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 7
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:15:03 PM
It's a double-edged sword for many men to devote themselves as you are indicating. This is the 21st Century and women are very different than they were even 15 years ago. However there is something hardcoded in our genetics that has never changed over the years. Women are attracted to strong men, who are confident with themselves, and can provide for them and make them feel safe. Men are attracted to women who are strong and usually physically able to bear their children. When a man puts a woman on a pedestal he starts to lose his "strong" image and in some cases it becomes a sign of weakness. Similar to how women complain to their Nice Guy friend about how much they are angered by their SO yet run back to him after they're blown off steam. Women walk away from the devoted guy because they're no longer attracted to a pushover.
 ker-ree
Joined: 3/4/2012
Msg: 8
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:16:14 PM

I have a generic query that needs an answer because I'm hearing of this more and more from friends, and friends of friends, and strangers—which is decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them. Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.


That is because a lot of husbands are remarkably complacent. They think if they earn a living, don't cheat and don't beat, they've done all they need to do.


How can these women justify their actions? Were they hurt by a man/men in their past and feel righteous in the same thing to another human being? Well, two wrongs do not make a right!


I would guess the women figure they only have one life and they want to be happy.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 9
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:19:26 PM
decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them. Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.

Some of it might be traced back to evolutionary genetics and how certain brain processes evolved for survival of the fittest amid tribal society with occasional famine/scarcity..

When something/someone is always plentifully there and maybe underfoot, it becomes less valued by the primate brain which evolved to be a hunter/gatherer of scarce commodities...
That attractive member of the tribe who stays aloof or just out of reach becomes much more interesting/valuable-seeming than the one who fawns over you all of the time...


When those scarce commodities are no longer scarce, they are perceived to be less valuable and the default focus of the brain becomes hunting/shopping for NEW things and stimulation from new experience...

If partners fall into the same old same old routines for 5-10 years or more, then one or both are usually looking elsewhere for that excitement/spice/challenge to overcome with a new and "mysterious" person..

Soo, to keep a LTR relationship from fading each partner must bring new stimulating challenges for the other, and maintain at least a smidgeon of "mystery" instead of "giving their entire heart and soul" away...
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 10
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:27:31 PM
female connection

you are only hearing one side of these stories. I can guarantee...no one leaves a 'good thing' for no reason. These men you spoke to...either they are not willing to admit thier relationship had issues...or they really didnt see the issues..either way, not a good sign. Anyone who can walk away from a relationship and honestly think they did NOTHING to contribute to its demise is delusional. It takes 2.

Absolutely....true!

I have witnessed friends of mine split up and I am so astounded how the man is usually saying he was "blind sided....had no idea anything was wrong".
Meanwhile I know...for a fact the woman has tried to talk it out or express ...she was unhappy...to no avail or solution.

I, myself...left a man because of his "drinking"....and all the stuff that goes with it.
I made many attempts to talk and understand his point of view....after being told I was ridicoulous or yelled at....I gave up and called it quits!!
.I know, for a fact...he didn't tell his friends...that was why!

Regardless...on who blames who on the "whys" of the relationship falling apart.
If someone isn't happy or doesn't love you anymore....why would you expect them to stay??
 13karat
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 11
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:32:37 PM


Then without warning, for no good reason—sometimes no reason at all—the men are told to get out of their lives completely.

There are warnings. There are reasons. Some people just arent perceptive enough to see the signs and intelligent enough to understand the reasons.

Funny how that works.... my ex said I left "without warning... for no reason".... yet I found out he had an affair on the go.... and we hadn't had sex for over six months. Sorry, I don't buy the "without warning... for no reason" story. As many other posters will agree.... the signs are always there.... and the reasons are usually quite obvious if one cares to look.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 12
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:33:22 PM
It's bad enough that these men are hurt and confused emotionally but it's also financially as well; and these women have absolutely no remorse for what they've done.
-------------------------------------------------------------
There are women out there that don't know how to love anyone but themselves. There are also women out there that love so much that they neglect themselves. If you experienced this I'll bet if you give it some thought you will say to yourself "I should have seen it then." There might come a time that you need to let go (whether her choice or yours). As far as the financial abuse, there are ways to protect yourelf. Learn them if you don't already know, even if you think you have nothing to lose.
 AngelWithGuns
Joined: 1/16/2012
Msg: 13
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:39:14 PM
I cannot speak for others, I can say when I have terminated a relationship, it is not without warning. Ever. I think what happens , is some people are in denial and do not see the signs.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:39:29 PM

ker-ree (Msg 8):
That is because a lot of husbands are remarkably complacent. They think if they earn a living, don't cheat and don't beat, they've done all they need to do.


I guess the moral of the story is men should beat women, cheat on them, and quit their jobs to make the marriage more exciting.
 RAMPERBILL
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 15
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:43:59 PM
That is because a lot of husbands are remarkably complacent. They think if they earn a living, don't cheat and don't beat, they've done all they need to do.

I would guess the women figure they only have one life and they want to be happy.
-------------------------------------------------------------
This falls in the category of "I should have seen it then."
 OzzGirl22
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 16
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:45:07 PM
As the other posters have said it is never without warning. Saying that it was is just a way to try and sidestep some of the blame for the failed relationship.
 PurpleFusias
Joined: 8/16/2011
Msg: 17
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:45:09 PM
@xheavenandhellx
I completely agree, my last boyfriend cheated on me and lied repeatedly and still "doesn't understand why I all of a sudden didn't love him anymore." Haha
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 18
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:46:08 PM
your scenario has no credibility because it's a straw man, and a particularly clumsy one at that. the devoted, generous hero. the capricious, soulless villain. c'mon.
 therdtymesachrm
Joined: 7/17/2011
Msg: 19
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:50:50 PM

when men do it - it confuses MOST women...


kinda goes against the natural order of things...


many/most seem to would view this kinda man as being weak....feminine...


Not in my book! But then again I appreciate a guy who does those things.

As for the OP- as others have stated there are two sides to every story. No one leaves a relationship for no reason. There is a always a reason. And this behavior is certainly not restricted to women only. Men do the same thing. It's not a gender issue. It's a relationship issue.
 wildandfreee
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 20
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 2:53:05 PM
Justification i dont know if there is any, sometimes i think people man and woman should think before getting in life of someone else , i mean in a long term relationship
ps yeah agree dameright sometimes that may happen as well
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 21
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 3:02:18 PM
You either didn't hear her or she was afraid of you and your response. Which is it?
If she walked instead of talked, that tells me something about YOU. Sorry but it does take 2. Own it or repeat the same mistakes.
 darthbanker
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 22
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 3:48:03 PM

How can these women justify their actions? Were they hurt by a man/men in their past and feel righteous in the same thing to another human being? Well, two wrongs do not make a right!

You don't give a lot of information.

But my first thoughts on this were being reminded of reading a lot of profiles that went something like this:
"I've cooked for a man, cleaned for a man, nursed a man, had his kids, did whatever they wanted sexually, loved him, and got nothing for it...now it's my turn..."

So when I read someone complaining about

decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them.

I tend to think they weren't really doing those things because of who they are, but because of what they thought it could get them. They did it as a means of payment to get what they wanted. They chose those things because someone told them certain behaviors were "good."
The behaviors outweighed the motives for doing so.
But when the motives aren't pure, it's going to show in the behavior and expectations.

So I can see, if a guy is really doing all of these things he can point to and say "see? I'm a good person. I do these things for you and you throw them in my face." They are really just doing them so they can say that part "I'm a good person."
They aren't a good person, they just want to be perceived as good.

But if they aren't good people, other things are going to come out in the periphery, "little" things that add up that show the "good" things to be a lie. Simply tools that were used to manipulate a relationship, an image. Payment to get what is wanted, and if it's denied then the person denying them is judged as "bad." Even if they are things the "good" person knows is not what the "bad" person wants to do. It doesn't matter if it's not good and right to the "bad" person, so it's against their personality to do it.
It only matters that the "good" person acted "good" so feels entitled to getting what they want.

And it just took a while for the women to figure out the "good" guy really wasn't a "good" guy at all, or at best they "really" weren't all that compatible, so they left.
 cheryl1229
Joined: 6/13/2011
Msg: 23
view profile
History
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 3:54:52 PM
From your profile:


"It's mind over matter—if I don't mind, it really doesn't matter" and "the only thing you can count on is don't count on anything" are my credos. I've also been compared to an old cat who loves to nap,


You and the women evidently have different ideas about what defines "decent guys who give their heart and soul to the woman in his life (wife/fiancé/common-law) and do anything and everything for them."

If YOU don't mind, it really doesn't matter? Even is SHE minds, then does it matter? And "don't count on anything" is your credo? When does the guy "giving his heart and soul to the woman in his life" come out to play? Because frankly, I do not see him in your profile.

And compared to an old cat that sleeps all the time? Sound romantic--NOT!

The really decent, nice guys understand that relationships are about communication, support, and compromise. You can agree to disagree, but you can't say that her opinion doesn't matter. And the works for both genders. If a man keeps telling her that her opinion doesn't matter and he can't be counted on for anything, then any sane woman will leave with no remorse. IMO.
 13karat
Joined: 2/29/2012
Msg: 24
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 4:01:34 PM


That is because a lot of husbands are remarkably complacent. They think if they earn a living, don't cheat and don't beat, they've done all they need to do.

I guess the moral of the story is men should beat women, cheat on them, and quit their jobs to make the marriage more exciting.

I was having a similar discussion with a male friend of mine the other day.... he was going on about how his girlfriend was upset with him when he came home and just slept.... and he did not feel like going out, etc.... generally lamenting how she 'just didn't understand.'

My answer to him "Would you tolerate a starfish woman in your bed?" He did not get the connection initially, but after I explained to him that while he wants her to be 'totally present' in the bedroom (aka: not a starfish) she wants him to be 'totally present' also.... and that is usually about doing things together.... and that is how many women evaluate effort in a relationship. JMHO
 bwena
Joined: 2/5/2012
Msg: 25
without warning
Posted: 3/8/2012 4:04:51 PM
Nice people get hurt. It has nothing to do with women. Or men. Some people are loyal, some are not. Some cheat, some don't. That's why character is important when getting to know someone.

But without knowing details, who says he's a decent guy? I have a friend that goes around telling everyone his wife is cheating on him and generally feeling sorry for himself, but he fails to mention that he drinks, belittles her, spits on her, etc... However, he paints himself out to be the victim. We NEVER know the whole story.
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