Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Your partners ex got more than you      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 5
Your partners ex got more than youPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OP - maybe u NEED to step ur game up as a MAN


come stronger and more DOMINANT....





perhps u are bein TOO much of a nice guy ...



as in catering to women.




hint: that is not attractive to women.....
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 6
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 1:17:12 AM
I find it really odd that you would have this level of conversation with all three women such that you could compare all of these criteria. It's like you have something to prove about your value compared to their former partners.

You are annoyed because they chose one form of contraception with a former partner but something different with you?

You can't work out your 'worth' to someone based on decisions they made in previous relationships.
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 7
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 1:29:15 AM
You are kidding.............................right?
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 9
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 1:38:30 AM
You should have introduced them to your family and friends...??
 lionheart101364
Joined: 4/14/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 1:52:43 AM
What does it matter what the other guy's got or they don't got. Maybe you should be more of a leader in your relationship, just remember leaders don't follow others. If you are more worried about other men, you already failed as a man to her.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 4:05:13 AM
I must say, the way you describe this... phenomenon, does come across as more of a fixation on your part, than as a real set of situations.

There is no way to quantitatively measure most of the things you are talking about here, especially not "feeling valued & part of their life." Hence, my suspicion is that you have a built-in issue left over from your own past, of feeling undervalued or cheated, and therefore when you look at your current relationships, you see the same thing over and over. Almost like it's painted on the inside of your lenses.

Some things you complain about are subject to rational change with experience, such a "contraception choices." Each relationship experience that people go through, especially if they have a strong negative reaction to it, will tend to make them try a different method or different parameters on the next one (unless they are the type who come here complaining that every time they run straight at a brick wall head first, that they get a headache, and don't know why). For you to complain that someone chose a different path with you, in hopes of things going better for them, comes across as selfish and short sighted on your part.

Therefore , all in all, as you have presented this, yes it is entirely unreasonable for you to expect someone to do with you, what caused them to have a bad time with someone else, just so that you will feel that you "got the same stuff off them." As for me, I clearly remember working out during my teen years, the illogic of holding such irrational expectations. So yes, I remember feeling that way, but not for a very very long time.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 19
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 6:13:15 AM

I asked her if she was prepared to give me the same as other men, the answer was yes. Then 2 days later, after she’d changed her mind, she said that the psycho control guy had asked the same question. So you can guess the rest..tarred with the same brush!



Or, she learned that doing the exact same things over and over again will only net her the same crappy relationships, so she is changing things up. Isnt the definition of insanity, doing the same things over and over and expecting different results?
 Ocee
Joined: 3/5/2012
Msg: 30
view profile
History
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 11:04:17 AM
I've never cared what someone's ex "got".

I bet those are some fun conversations.

"So, did you ever _____ with _____ at the ____?."

Yup, that's some bond building stuff there...
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 32
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 2:15:04 PM

She is your f*** buddy. Publicly minimize any apparent attachment. Don't admit to being exclusive.

It sounds to me like this is exactly what's happening to the OP...he's not being given an all-access pass to every area of her life. He's a dating partner,or a FwB, or a f*** buddy, and he resents that.
The problem is, you can't MAKE somebody give you something they don't want to-with words, complaints, opinions from a dating site forum.


Maybe they think it was a mistake that they spent all that time with their exes and then the relationship ended, so they decided to be more independent this time around?

That's another possible situation.

However, from what I can determine-the OP IS getting the same as the exes-a relationship(or whatever) that is OVER.

IDK if the OP is dating women in his own age range-in which case the women just may not want a "complete sharing of lives" type of relationship at the moment. Or maybe not ever again. Or is it only MEN who get to play the "once burnt, twice shy" card?
Cindy O
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 34
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/12/2012 4:15:34 PM
I never think about my ex's.... much less their ex's.
If they are not with me...
what they get or gotten hardly matters.
But I hope they got/get alot!
Tis no skin off my nose.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 43
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/13/2012 12:59:19 PM

OP, I also think that's a really wierd thing to ask. Never heard of such a thing. Why are you so obsessed with her ex's? Who's talking about them, bringing them up? Most people don't spend their time talking about their exes, and I've never been involved with a man who was obsessed with mine and what we did together. This is not healthy. Stop obsessing about getting 'equality' with the exes. It's really wierd.


Ditto here on that, its bizarre. They're ex's for a reason. The only thing I need to know the 'ex's got' that I haven't (hopefully) is an STD.

Beyond that, all I want from "her" is *her*... her feelings, her thoughts, commitment, etc.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 44
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/13/2012 6:37:05 PM

So my question is...how do you KNOW what her exes got????
Obviously you must question and grille the poor woman for every little detail about her past....
and then keep score...
How exhausting you would be.....

^^^This..
Your answer to this will be very enlightening OP.. Just how do you know how much (of everything) this woman gave to her ex's?? That is something i would never even consider asking a man in my life..
I can just imagine the grilling - How many times a week did you see him? - How many times a week did you have sex? - How many times a week did you give him a blow job? -How many times did you give him a massage? - How many times a day did you call him? - How long before you went bareback with him? - Did you let him cum on your face ?- Did you let him .............................................etc etc etc
THIS kind of insecure behaviour would drive most people mad, but to be able to compare yourself with so many things from her past you have to be asking those kind of questions... The minute any man started with that kind of cr*p with me i would've said bye bye... What she did or didn't do with her ex's is none of your business, and what she decides is ok to do with you has nothing to do with what she did with someone else.. Stop asking those kind of questions and enjoy what you have together without stupid comparisons..
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 46
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/14/2012 11:09:51 AM
OP-anyone who sees "red flags" or finds a relationship "unacceptable" on even ONE front, should of course exit the relationship if it appears that there is no correction possible.

However, to expect to be immediately granted the exact same things that might have been given a previous partner over a fairly long term of time, is a little unrealistic.


the more I heard about the things they did with their exes and what they were given, the more I realised just how much more they got than me.


Over how long a period of time did these exes get what they got. How did that relationship start out?


This applied to time together, holidays, commitment, feeling valued & part of their life, invites and staying over, contraception choices, meeting their family and friends.


Again, how did these prior relationships start? How long did they last? Is it possible that the woman felt that some of the things she granted proved to be unwise decisions?

I'm sorry, but I have to tell you, that with a guy I met thru a dating site or some other limited type of contact, I would be taking things slower than with someone I met through other means where I had more of a chance to get to know him first, and to be able to get more of a sense about his character and history from others who knew him, I might be quicker to move the relationship along.

Perhaps this woman decided to take things slower with you because being more liberal with previous relationships turned out to be a bad idea for one reason or another?

I'm still somewhat baffled that you have all this information about what all privileges might have been granted sooner in previous relationships...either the woman talked all the time about her ex, you DID "grill" her, or you structured conversations for purpose of eliciting this information, so as to give you some grounds to "demand" the same degree of privleges, or have a tantrum if it wasn't forthcoming.

Cindy O
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 51
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/15/2012 1:58:07 PM
I can't get passed how these conversations even come up. Your email made me stop and try to recall ever having these types of conversations with anyone, let alone someone I'm dating. I came up empty.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by talking about your exes. It's probably wise to avoid those conversations.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 52
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/15/2012 4:17:15 PM

For all we know she could be telling him, "I was faithful to my last husband and he divorced me so as God is my witness I will NEVER be faithful to ANY man ever again! So, bite me!" If she is saying never and ever to anything of significance, he pretty well must set her aside. On the other hand, if she is saying that she will never shoot heroin ever again even if he asks nicely, that would be another matter entirely.


Well, going back to the OPs own words in the OT


the more I heard about the things they did with their exes and what they were given, the more I realised just how much more they got than me. This applied to time together, holidays, commitment, feeling valued & part of their life, invites and staying over, contraception choices, meeting their family and friends.


Where in this information do you see references to faithfulness, saying "never and ever to anything of significance", or heroin?

The other thing that crosses my mind, is that perhaps there is a "not being on the same page" situation,that the last 3 "relationships" the OP is complaining about-were only "relationships"in HIS perception-perhaps the women in question saw the involvement as more of a "dating" or even a "fwb"-not the committed, exclusive"intent to be LTR" that would be more apt to provide these privileges he felt were being denied him.
IF these women were voluntarily talking about their exes, perhaps they were intentionally also avoiding forming a "relationship",because they didn't feel ready to get back into LTR situations. I wonder if they didn't tell him as much, and he just simply refused to hear it?

If this might be the case, maybe the OP needs to figure out why he's being drawn into situations where he's more of a "dating","short-term" relationship, or fwb. If these women are talking constantly about their exes, then the OP is not in a "relationship"-he's in a "rebound dating" situation and he is NOT going to get treated as a Longterm Significant Other.

To be completely fair/give equal time, perhaps the OP has just had a run of bad luck, dating women who don't wish to treat him as a serious,"significant other" relationship partner. Or women who want to have revenge by proxy, through intentionally withholding "perks" that generally come with a pair-bond "relationship".
Cindy O
 sedonajazz
Joined: 6/8/2010
Msg: 53
view profile
History
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/15/2012 9:45:29 PM
I don't understand why you are comparing yourself to your partner's exes? I mean seriously, how old are you? Sounds to me like you need to quit sniveling about what you think you're missing out on and grow up already. It just makes you sound very immature and all of this would be (and is) a complete and total turn-off for me as well as for many other women I'm sure!
 ControlledFolly
Joined: 2/17/2011
Msg: 57
view profile
History
Your partners ex got more than you
Posted: 3/16/2012 10:23:08 AM
the common denominator is is you. Its your feelings that matter and you are feeling cheated. Stop comparing yourself to their exes, treat the relationships as individual in their own right. you have made the choice to allow this to happen, its down to you to ring the changes.

Stop living in the past, dont worry about tomorrow, do what is right in the now.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Your partners ex got more than you