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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?      Home login  
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 albert496
Joined: 10/7/2005
Msg: 1
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Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
When you meet someone the first time, and you think of going out with him or her, do you need to feel an instant attraction?
Can attraction develop over time, even though you did not feel it at first?

Can you miss out on someone really special because you did not feel
sparks for him or her?

Personally, I think many people are far to quick to reject people
who might be a very good match.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 2
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/17/2012 7:57:32 PM
Some people don't know how to deal with the backwards nature of online dating.

Offline, attraction usually starts the process with people you cross paths with and don't know. You haven't talked to the person yet or developed any sort of bond. In fact, a lot of people on a daily basis choose never to talk to you based on lack of attraction, you just don't know about it because there was never any interaction.

Here it's undetermined until you meet face to face. Once that happens though, yes - you can usually tell pretty quickly if you have attraction or not. Since here you've already talked and created a bond and a hope that you'll be attracted, unless you both are or aren't upon meeting, one will be disappointed.

Sure it can grow more over time or be killed off by an undesired personality trait, but the basic attraction has to be there. I'm sure if you have the attraction upon meeting and the other person doesn't - it seems like a snap judgement. It isn't.

Besides, someone who doesn't think they are into you but keeps accepting dates would be seen as "leading you on", no? I'm sure there are a million great matches out there for all of us - but if there's no romantic attraction, why would you want to date?
 riuser
Joined: 8/31/2010
Msg: 3
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Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/17/2012 8:03:45 PM
The easy answer is, Of course. But there is a difference between wanting someone as a friend and wanting someone as a mate. We have to determine to what degree we need to be attracted to someone else. Anything better than that should just be considered a bonus. Looks fade and, therefore, in the long run, it will be so much more about personalities. But there has to be some degree of attraction. That will mean that there will be some great people that you will just not be attracted to. It is not fair to you or them to be in a romantic relationship with someone if you have no romantic feelings for them.
 MustangGirl1965
Joined: 3/9/2012
Msg: 4
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/17/2012 8:40:23 PM
I've had profiles on a few dating sites over the past 6 mths or so. Initially I didn't think much about what I was looking for other than a relationship with someone who I felt a connection with, but over time, I've refined what I'm looking for. I used to look at profile pictures and make decisions based solely upon how a man looked before reading anything about him. If he looked attractive, I'd want to know more but if he didn't immediately appeal I'd move onto the next profile. Then I realised that looks are just "the packaging" and I really wanted the product. So I thought about things more seriously and re-invented my list of what I was hoping to find. The next few guys to contact me were not the sort of look I usually went for, but I thought it was worth chatting to them. And I'm so glad because my current boyfriend was one of them whose looks I would have previously dismissed...he's got all the qualities I've been searching for: trustworthy, honest, genuine, sincere, kind, considerate, a gentleman, affectionate, open and expressive, a truly lovely man. I feel very lucky to have met him and I hope we continue to build that bond where we end up spending the rest of our lives together. He's amazing and I could have missed out on knowing him! What got me in was who he really is; his physical appearance obviously appeals to me or we wouldn't be together...his smile is gorgeous and his eyes light up when he sees me. That's more than enough for sparks to fly as far as I'm concerned.
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 5
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/17/2012 8:48:45 PM
no such thing as instant attraction.........that's nothing but lust..............
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 6
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Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 2:40:12 AM
I take attraction to mean,"To pull or cause to move towards". It's my experience on here that a pic or a profile may prompt me to initiate contact with a person. On a secondar level there are different types of things that can "attract" me to others; be it physical, intelectual etc. Cheers
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 7
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 4:14:23 AM
OP,

I think you're asking about the often used "Chemistry" factor; and truth be told there's scientific evidence that your brain releases chemicals if / when we're attracted PHYSICALLY to someone within the first 10 seconds (or in that vicinty) that we meet. And while I'd be lying if I said physical attraction isn't part of my initial interest in a woman, what is under the pretty exterior would be nice to MEET as well.

However, the attraction / chemistry reality is the linchpin, if there is none initially I've rarely gotten beyond that stage. Not by design, but that is how it's gone for me personally.

Can you miss out on someone special? Absolutely. But here's the undenialble truth that the physical attraction is the intial catalyst and for the most part it's out of our control since it's a chemical reaction.

Best wishes,

G
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 8
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 4:18:24 AM
I don't need "instant attraction" as in "I think I'm in love with you before the waitress brings the check", but I at least need to like a guy enough to want to take time out of my busy day to get through yet another date with him. For the most part, I found out all I needed to know on the 1st date. How many times do you think people actually need to meet before one or both of them say "it ain't happening"?? I'll give you 2 dates on the bleeding outside edge. Most people, most of the time, will have already made a decision before then.


Personally, I think many people are far to quick to reject people
who might be a very good match.

What you are saying is that you think people should give it more time, "give them a chance". Sounds nice, but meanwhile, the option of being "a very good match" isn't even within the realm of possibility if somebody who agreed to meet you because they were initially attracted, decided after meeting you that they were no longer interested. Is that a mystery?


So in the end, you're really just asking people to be as wishy washy as you are, for a longer period of time. The only reason *anyone* would do that is because "being in a relationship" is the overarching goal and "giving somebody a chance" is the prerequisite next step to getting there.

That sounds tedious as hell to me. I have better things to do with my time, even if I'm alone while I'm doing it. And people who objectify relationships like that creep me out, so it's pretty much a dealbreaker for me.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 9
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 4:23:41 AM

When I see you I know in minutes if I would kiss you.

That's really the bottom line. Do you want to be near this person? Would you kiss them? Are you wondering what they look like naked? If so..bingo...that's physical attraction. And sure, it's lust - but before I know a lot about a person, lust is a damn good start. Once I know more, that can totally become a multidimensional interest.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 6:03:58 AM
Physical attraction is PART of what attracts me to a person. Even then, what I "see" is MORE than just her "looks". What attracts me to a person sometimes is what they are doing, how they are doing it, with whom, and why. An example, helping or playing with children. That action alone will melt my heart. Throw in that the person doing it is the right gender and the right age group(sometimes THAT one doesn't even have to "match") and I'm "attracted". In other words, you could be a "hotty",but if your actions are not what I find that attractive, you're phucked.

One of the reasons this place doesn't work so well for me is that I usually don't get to "see" what I "need" to see here to be "attracted or not" to a person. I can't see actions, only words describing such,and yes,we all know people will fib here. Or they just put down generic lines of description of themselves, things that the "majority" will find "attractive".

I'm not the majority.
 darthbanker
Joined: 2/14/2012
Msg: 11
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 6:37:16 AM

When you meet someone the first time, and you think of going out with him or her, do you need to feel an instant attraction?

Implied here seems to be the idea of attraction as an absolute. That someone is either repulsed by someone, or they are crazy about someone.

I need to feel an amount of attraction to motivate me to be attracted to the idea of dating them.


Can attraction develop over time, even though you did not feel it at first?

Attraction that develops over time isn't really "attraction" it's simply "association."


Can you miss out on someone really special because you did not feel
sparks for him or her?

Theoretically everyone is "really special."
Billions of mothers can't be wrong, can they?


Personally, I think many people are far to quick to reject people
who might be a very good match.

Personally, I think people don't reject other people quick enough because there has grown this stigma and mental game regarding rejection rather than simply accepting the decisions of others, other people knowing or feeling what's best for them.
You reject me = you the bad guy, something wrong with you for not seeing me as really special.
I reject you = because you're the bad guy, something wrong with you.
Too many people need to turn rejection into this dramatic crap where someone has to be the bad guy, someone the victim, that there is something bad and wrong.
 Andromache
Joined: 12/9/2011
Msg: 12
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 6:54:52 AM
Sparks have to fly instantly or else there is no point. If you wait around looking for that spark to appear and stay just because they are nice, you will wait forever.....like I did.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 13
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Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 7:02:12 AM

When you meet someone the first time, and you think of going out with him or her, do you need to feel an instant attraction?
Can attraction develop over time, even though you did not feel it at first?

Can you miss out on someone really special because you did not feel
sparks for him or her?

Personally, I think many people are far to quick to reject people
who might be a very good match


When meeting someone for the first time there has to be some attraction or it's a no go. The attraction varies but for the most part, people are looking for a physical attraction...... to find that person attractive.
I CERTAINLY DOES NOT STOP THERE, because once you have that initial meet... and if there is some attration or a whole lot... things can change quickly based on NON PHYSICAL things !!! Like personality, lifestyle, job/ income, living situation, marital status, health, bad habits ( smoking, drugs, etc) and a hundred other things that will bring "atttraction" to NO THANKS.

If there is no physical attraction on any level ... there is no trying to find some...
there are some people who you just will not have any physical attraction for and even the good things about them will not make you have attraction for them.

About the only situtaion where sometimes people trade in low attraction to someone is if they are major high income people... and yes there are some who lurk on dating sites ( yes I met a few, secret multi millionaires) Often rich and rejected even by their own kind, they come slumming on dating sites hoping to find beautiful people to love them, overlooking gross issues like VERY physically or socially nasty... or being some slime ball type rich people who got rich breaking others, perhaps owners of strip clubs ( I met a couple of them and get away from them as soon as I foudn out how they make their money).......
but some people will overlook major physical or other issues if someone is flithy rich...
other than that.......
no one is going to overlook your hunch back, missing teeth, bad body odor, etc..........
yes it has to start with some sparks but if a fire results from that is another matter. Could just end with a big cloud of smoke from spark going out quickly.

Being older, I found a lot of men over 45 with little kids, that is a turn off... guy could be hotter than hot looking but I would run with any news of him being a daddy to kids under about age 15... yucko.
Maybe there is a nice looking person but they have major financial problems, or not exactly divorced, not exactly over an ex... maybe they drink too much.. and for all that its adios for me.
That is why it took a long time for me to find someone. I did not want to get involved with someone with huge amounts of baggage or life problems.

So there has to be some spark there but the spark can die out quickly depending on that person and there life, habits, hobbies and situations.
 jeep1127girl
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 14
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 8:24:44 AM
I think it depends on the person. I dated this guy for about 8 months, when I first met him I was not attracted to him but his personality was awesome and I could tell he was quiet and gentle, it was in time when the attraction grew strong.
I recently went on a date with this guy, before I met him his looks were intimidating to me, when I finally did meet him in person..I thought my heart jumped out of my chest, I had an instant love at first site attraction.
 tlcme1964
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 15
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 9:07:05 AM
It is typically mutual attraction first. We all know this from experience. That you may be a good match is irrelevant without it.
 Carla1954
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 16
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:00:10 AM
I'm wondering the same thing!! I don't have any 'sparks' with anyone I meet...so am wondering if I'm still hung up on the ex...who I had an instant attraction and was good looking.
So maybe I'm shallow.
So I will give you my sister's experience's instead. lol
She had met a guy at a church group. She had a list in her head of all the qualities she wanted in a guy to marry. (never married...40's)
He had them all. Complained to me how bad he was in bed. She believed love "grows", and sighted 'arranged marriages' as examples. After a year, her feeling changed to disgust. He was cheap, he was this, he was that.
O.k. she joined E Harmony. Met a guy she was not normally attracted to. (she dated tall thin men...he was short and stocky...like her) By 2nd date, he told her he thought he was falling in love...she thought "YIKES", by the 3 rd date she liked his sense of humor. Soon they had sex. FANTASTIC!!! They are married.
So with her the sparks flew soon after. But NOT on the initial LOOKS factor...but on personality.
Now about me. I personally would NEVER date him. I have no attraction to him. And he's controlling and....well...we would never work.
So again...maybe I'm just too picky...
I was attracted to about one guy in the 15 I met. He flirted with me in person first. (not on dating site)He was 34, and I'm 57. So there you go....I guess I am shallow.
 CulturedBlackMan
Joined: 2/20/2012
Msg: 17
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:07:52 AM
For me there is an immediate attraction...a sense of YES, tell me more...I wanna know.

For me the attraction is the door I either open or leave closed....if there is no attraction I'll never know what a wonderful personality she may possess......superficial? yes.....something Ive learned to live with
 MDIYM59
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 18
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:24:22 AM
To me first impressions are a bit over-rated unless they are really good or really bad impressions. Looking back at my longest and most enjoyable relationships, they started with good but not great first impressions. When I have had those "great" first impressions they faded just as quickly. So while a great first impression feels good, I have learned not to read too much into it, and a not so good first impression isn't a dealbreaker for me either.
I have talked to many people who believe a great first impression is mandatory, yet all have had relationships go terribly wrong even after having gotten the great first impression they were seeking. Just my two cents worth.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 19
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:47:06 AM
I don't specifically "look" for a spark when I'm dating. I always thought when sparks flew, that typically meant people of the opposite sex had great chemistry right off of the bat. Or as some people define it, love at first sight. As a matter of fact, sparks within the opposite sex should happen naturally. If it isn't there, then it isn't there.

I suppose "sparks" would be important, say if I was actively searching for a long term relationship. However, physical attraction is important to me as it is to a majority of people.

Why continue hanging around a person, if there is no attraction from the start? Pointless if you ask me.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 3/18/2012 10:47:42 AM
Serious fireworks? Not necessarily, but I do need to get the urge to know more about him, and I have to be attracted physically.
People such as co-workers, neighbors or cassmates can grow on you as time goes on but you are talking about someone you are going to get romantic with, so the desire had better be there from the beginning. Why go on a date if the first meet is about as exciting as picking out wallpaper?
 mrbreezeet1
Joined: 11/7/2005
Msg: 21
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 6/21/2012 2:38:46 PM
Yeah, but like what if you think someone is attractive, and you think, yeah, this could work, but there all standoffish?
This has happened to me before. So, it's like there is no spark, even though there was spark on my end, if that makes sense?
 FunnyGirly1
Joined: 5/17/2012
Msg: 22
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 6/21/2012 2:44:36 PM
Yes when you first meet for the first time there has to be sparks and attraction right away. you need to have attraction physically and personality wise
 MisssButtons
Joined: 7/30/2011
Msg: 23
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 6/21/2012 3:01:19 PM
More than attraction, I would say I have to feel a connection. If there is also an attraction that is great. It's easier to connect to people than be attracted to them. Attraction can grow from a connection is how I see it. To clarify when I say attraction I think sexual attraction, when I say connection I think a mind and ease of being connection. So no, sparks don't have to fly but their should be an undercurrent of something, that's the connection.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 24
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 6/21/2012 3:28:17 PM
I think you can find a perosn atractive and interesting and not know if you have actual chemistry unless you kiss, or else not know how MUCH chemistry you have until you kiss.

I know that because I have hit ita few times. Big time.

I have never had NO chemistry turn into chemistry; but I have had what I assumed was just a little bit at first; that once I grew to know the person better and when we kissed; it blew my (and their) socks off.

One time to the point it scared me HOW strongly they reacted to the kiss.

So yes, you can i think have chemistry grow if there is SOME kind of chemistry there initially.

But if you are not attracted (a person can be attracTIVE without you being attracted) or if there is brother/sister vibe?

Then no, I don't think that would be the case.

But I think people should look long and hard before rejecting immediately out of hand; because I have been massively surprised in a couple instances... and I would have missed out on a lot had I walked away based on what I thought was my "level of attraction" to them as a person and a man initially. The first date (one was in real life; one was online) and who they became once I knew them and they knew me and we found out how we clicked romantically. It is still hard for me to believe that it wasn't there from the first minute itw as so strong when it hit; but it wasn't. It was kind of idling, but waiting to be ignited. If that makes any sense.
 onlydateIF
Joined: 11/15/2011
Msg: 25
Attraction immediate or delayed. Must sparks fly?
Posted: 6/21/2012 4:43:00 PM
Consistency and good character revealed over time matters more to me than instantaneous 'sparks'. Most of all it's how I feel in relating to him :)
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